making a map of loneliness

"when i get lonely these days, i think: so be lonely, liz. learn your way around loneliness. make a map of it. sit with it, for once in your life. welcome to the human experience. but never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." ~ eat, pray, love p. 65

curled up on the couch with a book, it was only a matter of time before the silence of this house sang me to sleep. the next thing i knew, two hours had passed and i was opening my eyes to the hope of a new reality. unfortunately, what i awoke to was the same quiet loneliness that rocked me to sleep one hundred and twenty minutes earlier.

i guess this is what living alone feels like sometimes... i have kept myself fairly busy thus far: cleaning every inch of the house and reorganizing every closet. however, i came home from work today and there was nothing more i could do. all the work was done. all i could do was relax. what i wanted to do was call some friends and invite them over for a game night or at least a glass of wine and some laughs. unfortunately, i live in the middle of no where and my friends need a little more notice than a spur of the moment phone call.

so i set up shop on the couch with three different books: one for fun, one for Bible study, and one for grad school. i thought by having so many options i would fight the boredom (i'm not much of a reader). i did not succeed...

i am embracing loneliness. there are certain phone calls that i could make that would make me feel a little less lonely for a while, but that's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. no wonder he gets so confused - he calls and calls for months with nothing from me but the occasional "please don't call me anymore" or "i'm not interested", but then he catches me on a night like this and i succumb to the beautiful idea of love and i answer the call. i play along with his antics and pretend like we're a couple again. i laugh at his jokes and i inquire about his day. we theorize about seeing each other soon and make tentative plans to do so. for those moments, it feels worth it.

but then i hang up. then i start to remember all of the reasons why it has never worked and why it never will. then i regret answering the call in the first place and think of the lie i will tell to get out of the date we just planned. then i wonder how many months it will take THIS time to convince him that we're not going to happen.

i put myself through a lot of unnecessary stress. the reality is that my loneliness will subside whether i answer that phone call or not. it's only a feeling and it passes more quickly than the residual guilt of my other option.

i was going to stop here. but just as i typed that last word a couple hours ago, a knock rattled at my door. four of my students decided to drop by. we ended up playing scene it until midnight. have i mentioned lately just how much i love my job and the students i work with? because i do. immensely.

so what if i live in the middle of no where?
so what if my friends live hours away?
i am still in the midst of community
and i need to embrace this...

the scheduled long distance dissappearance

why do we do this? i think it needs to stop.

we see each other. we have fun. we pretend like we’re going to do better at staying in touch. mostly to justify our actions, and prove that we’re not just using each other like pawns in this twisted game of life. to prove that perhaps i’m not as ‘predictable’ as you think. to prove that there are true feelings involved, although if there were then wouldn’t we do better at keeping up the friendship when i come back to nc and we’re hundreds of miles apart again?

but it’s the same every time… we promise to do better. we talk often for a couple weeks, but then it dies down. a week goes by. then two. next thing we know it’s been five months and i’m headed back to ohio, peaking your interest once more, and thus begins yet another turn of this undeniable cycle.

if i’m completely honest with myself, i miss you those months that you disappear. i miss the challenging conversations and the comforting silences. i cut myself today and nearly needed stitches. it was you that i wanted to call after the nurse bandaged me up. i read something that stirred up all kinds of questions in my head, and it is you that i want to discuss it with. i think about you once every day, but i know it will fade. this longing always does…

because the truth is that we both know that it would never work. despite the pull, we live two very different lives. in my head, i know this. in my heart right now, however, i’m still coming down from the last juncture…

progress report

i was thinking today about my hopes for 2009. at the beginning of the year i vowed to make this a year of celebration, a year of forward-motion, and a year of renewed hope. i was thinking about this pledge, and i began to wonder: how was i doing so far? we are now over one third of the way through the year, so i ought to be seeing some progress...

journal entry from january 1, 2009:

darlin', darlin'
so it's been a long year
every new day brings one more tear
till there's nothing left to cry

my, my how time flies
like little children hiding their eyes
we'll make it disappear
let's start a brand new year

darlin' the snow is falling
falling like forgiveness from the sky

if i could have anything
what would i want this new year to bring
well, i'd want you here with me

tear these thorns from my heart
help the healing to start
let's set this old world free
let's start with you and me
selections from "darlin" by over the rhine

i have been praying for snow the entire three weeks that i have been back in ohio. it never snows in north carolina, so i was looking forward to seeing that blanket of white again. mother earth took her time granting my request. as i woke up yesterday i found snow falling from the sky in graceful dancing flurries that hit the ground and disappeared almost immediately. i couldn't help but smile and feel the start of something new in my life. falling like forgiveness from the sky, i felt God's grace pour over me and promise me a new year with a new joy.

i remember that i could not wait for 2007 to be over. january 1st could not come fast enough. i had lost my faith in the local church, quit a job that i loved, was in a horrible car accident, and had no clue where my life was headed. i just knew that 2008 had to be better.

it was and it wasn't. i struggled with my health for the better part of the year and lost a life in charlotte that i cherished. i worried about job security far too many times to count, waiting on grant funding to come through then the anxiety around million dollar budget cuts.

so as i set my eyes on 2009, i find a blissful new outlook on life. as friends prepared for our new years eve celebrations, there were moments of frustration and stress: tights snagged, late-running dinners, etc. these moments could have ruined the joy of the night. as pathetic as it is, i often let little things ruin my entire attitude. however, this night i kept reminding myself that i had too much to be joyful about to get stressed out over the little set-backs.

this is my new attitude. and it is much needed and long overdue. i have a roof over my head and food on my table - why should i worry about my so-called financial woes? am i starving? am i without a home? no. so i have nothing to stress about. sure, i have bills that are often more than i can manage, but what progress will fretting over them achieve? why should i worry about taking so long to finish my masters? i am blessed to even be working on it. so what if it takes me a few years longer than the average joe? i can't speed up the process without completely over-working myself, so why stress over something i can't change?

i could add far too many situations to the list of things i have stressed over this past year. i'm done.

the word 'resolution' in the music world refers to the need for a note or chord to move from dissonance to consonance, sometimes meaning from a deceptive to an authentic cadence. we make the word mean a commitment made at the new year, of which only 12% of people actually succeed. the word loses such depth.

i'm not making any resolutions this year. my life has been one of dissonance, and i want an authentic life. i'm craving resolution...


so where am i now, nearly five months later? i feel as though i am definitely moving forward in the right direction. i am making the most of every moment and enjoying the little things in life like the breeze in the air as it sweeps through the house, the taste of ice cold water as it hits my tongue, or the joy in a friends' eye as she realizes that she is in love. i am watching less television and reading more, sitting less and walking more, procrastinating less and engaging more in the every day life.

i am far from perfect, and i still stress out occasionally. what can i say? i'm a spaz at heart! i am, however, making strides in living a life worth living. i am greeting opportunity with a smile and dropping drama as quickly as it sneaks up on me.

please accept this invitation to join me in the pursuit of an authentic life. it's a pretty fabulous way to live...

nascar for dummies

a simple guide to the 10 things every person should know to prepare themselves for a nascar experience:

1) dress as trashy as possible. this is the only way to be truly accepted by the crowd. men: don't even bother wearing a shirt, unless you plan on taking it off and using it as a flag as the cars race by. women: cowboy boots and camo ball caps are a must.

i apologize for the bad quality! an additional note for men:
you can only go shirtless if you are super scrawny or have a huge beer gut.

2) you must wear a hat of some kind because when your car of choice is in front of you it is a general rule that you must take off said hat and whip it around in circles in front of you, communicating to the driver that they a) need to go faster to pass the next car or b) need to go faster to keep their lead. this is exactly the motivation/coaching the driver needs and he will absolutely be paying attention for you in the stands to give him this signal.

the man/boy in the white shirt here was very hard to figure out:
he seemed young, but had a full thick mustache, dipped, and drank the champagne of beers. he did, however, have the hat waving down to a science. he also perfected the art of pointing to your car as it went around the track.

3) tobacco is a must. several men dipping. thousands of others were smoking. apparently it's cool in nascar country to be entirely unhealthy.


4) forget any laws against forced prayer! a preacher opens the race with a prayer to "our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" for a blessing of the drivers as they "push it to the edge" and let's not forget the obligatory blessing "for our troops who continue to give us our freedom to race" with a lot of "amen" and "hell yes" yelled out by the crowd. (did i stumble into the shooting of a talladega nights sequel?)


5) God bless america is sung before the national anthem. by a lou bega look-a-like.


6) fireworks. lots and lots of fireworks. just for the heck of it.


7) open container laws have no credibility in nascar country. you can walk from your tailgating in the parking lot down the street to the track and none of the twenty policemen you pass will stop you to even ask for ID.


8) you can take in huge coolers of food and beverages into the track.


9) however, you canNOT bring in any umbrellas. they don't care if you bring in anything else, but don't you dare try to keep yourself dry during the rain!


10) the men's line will always be twenty people deep. surprisingly, you can walk right into the women's restroom without waiting. this may be the only place in the world where this kind of dynamic exists.

my secret drawer

countless. that's how many times i have silently pulled open a single kitchen drawer and smiled ever so small.

yesterday, upon returning home from a trip to ohio, i unpacked some of the items i have stored in my parents' attic over the past year. in a few short months my beautiful roommate will be leaving our lovely little home to pursue a doctorate in denver, colorado. for the first time in my life i will live alone. i have been somewhat nervous about this new chapter in my life for several reasons, none of which are worth mentioning here, but as i unpacked my silverware and dishes that have never been used a rush of excitement filled my soul.

i unpacked box after box of silverware, cookware, glassware, and dishes (oh my!) i began to see a new start on the horizon. i carefully cleaned each item in the sink and placed them on the drying rack. (i did this in four loads, as our sink is small and my boxes were quite large.) as things began to dry, however, i realized that i had no where to put them. katie's things still filled the drawers and cupboards.

i don't want katie to feel as though i'm pushing her out, unwanted, because i truly am heartbroken that such a dear friend is leaving me after so short a period of time together. i will sincerely miss this person who has come to be my complete confidant and friend over the past two years. i couldn't begin to pack up her things or move them from their purposeful places just yet.

we have one drawer, however, that is somewhat of an extra space in the kitchen. it is a wide drawer and we just keep all of the lids to our tupperware in it. katie wouldn't mind if i moved those...

i pulled the lids out of the drawer and neatly stacked them at the corner of the countertop. then began the organization process that i love so much. (seriously, i could clean and organize every day of my life!) my cutlery drawer divider fit perfectly in the oversized drawer. i gently placed each piece of silverware in its proper division and filled the extra spaces with other kitchen tools and gadgets. before i knew it, the drawer was complete.

all of my kitchen utensils fit perfectly into this one perfect oversized drawer. this drawer is my reminder now that a new life awaits me. i find myself walking into the kitchen for no other reason but to quietly pull open the drawer and gaze my small, but significant new chapter of life.

nobody number one

"just like me, they long to be close to you" ~ the carpenters

do you have someone in your life that is undoubtedly lovable? and not just in the "oh, they're swell" kind of way. i'm talking about the ones people flock to, the ones that we crave to be near to, the ones who always have someone at their side swallowing every word they say as if it were dark chocolate creme brulee.

i have a couple of people like that in my world. one, for his boyish charm and gracious generosity. the other for his bad boy ways and cunning sensuality. i've never been in love, but i would dare say that i have loved each of these men at different times in my life. i wonder what it would be like to have that much influence over others: with one look, melt a heart and persuade someone to fall in love. with one smile, earn the complete trust of every person you encounter. with one touch, cause another to follow you wherever you may lead.

i tend to take second place. i don't say that as a cop out or a cry for attention. it's simply a truth i have come to discover. i am the best friend, not the love. i am the late night call, not the weekend mini-vaca.

have you ever heard michelle featherstone's "back of the church"? it's a beautiful tune:
i will wait somewhere in the wings,
watch you take your bow.
in the front row is someone else;
they’re clapping for you now.

i will wait on the starting line,
watch you win this game.
i won’t move when someone else is cheering on your name.

i will wait in the back of the church,
and watch you say i do.
i won’t cry when someone else is standing next to you.
i wish there was some way to tell you,
but words just get in the way.
you should know that i will always love you,
forever and a day.

the song has this haunting melody that stays with you for days. i can't help but hear the song in the back of my head as i wonder if i'll ever be that person in the front row. i know that i'll never be like my friends who are center stage to the world. i don't want to be. i'm an intravert, anyway. what i would like, though, is to have one person who somehow sees me as the priority in their life.

i close tonight with some over the rhine:
i'm afraid i've lost the piece of me
i need the most you see.
this puzzle is really just about the need
to be somebody.
i'm afraid i'm not all that you see;
all along the coast of me
i'm camouflaged, a desert mirage,
a nobody...

but you came so close and i assumed
you were looking
for the piece of yourself that's lost.
it is the hiding place inside everybody
and though we love to numb the pain,
we come to learn that it's in vain.
pain is our mother.
she makes us recognize each other.

c'mon now child don't cry.
let's give it one more try.

sometimes i feel so all alone
here in this city i call my home.
they say, hey, you're one of us.
funny, i should feel so anonymous.
but i'm drawn to you
and that still small voice is talking too,
and that's the voice that so seldom can get through.

that's the trouble with you and me;
we always hit the bottom before we get set free.
i'm so far down
i'm beginning to breathe...

a conversation on comfort

"i don't know what it is...despite the fact that we disagree on such fundamental things, i am so comfortable talking with you"

some call me a helpless romantic.
others call me a cynical skeptic.
today i'm struggling in the center.

who knows what prompted this statement - was it words of reassurance or just another line? whatever it was, it has left me in wonderment for the past couple days. i keep hearing his words over and over again, alternating with the judgmental gazes a young man gives as he begins to show that he thinks i’m too open-minded to be a Christian.

from one, i am seen as narrow-minded and naïve. i follow my heart when i ought to follow logic. from the other, i am too open and accepting. i follow philosophy more than i follow scripture.

it just proves that perception simply is not always reality. because if it were, then i would be both narrow and open minded. i would be both too accepting and too judgmental. i would be both a fundamentalist and an atheist.

i’m not saying that either young man is correct in his overall assumptions about who i am, but i would like to say that i hope that i can continue to live up to those first words for the rest of my life. i hope that regardless of the similarities or differences between us, i will always be a person that others can talk to and know that their truths are respected and that they are valued.