the abc's of growing up

"there, there baby.
it's just text book stuff.
it's in the abc's of growing up..."
~ Imogene Heap

in honor of one of my new favorite songs, my abc's of growing up (the 25 yr old edition):

a is for ambition.
it is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.

b is for best friends.
people may come a go out of our lives, but it's pretty amazing to state the claim that my best friends have never left me.

c is for capitalism.
capitalism or consumerism? is there a difference anymore?

d is for doggies.
the older i get the stronger this urge to adopt a dog becomes.

e is for ears.
did you know that your ears get bigger as you get older? it's true. google it.

f is for family.
you're family may not look like what you had imagined when you were a kid, but your family (whether blood or not) is the people who celebrate your victories and mourn your losses by your side.

g is for gadgets.
buy a cell phone or a laptop today and tomorrow it will be outdated.

h is for happy meals.
and not just the mcdonalds kind. good meals with good people and good conversation - this is a truly happy meal.

i is for insurance.
and lots of it. renters insurance, auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance.

j is for joy.
never ever stop searching out the joy in every moment of every day life.

k is for kindred spirits.
the more you see of the world, the more people you will meet who are different than you and the more people you will meet who you just know were destined to be your friend forever.

l is for like, love, and lust.
because it hasn't become easier to distinguish between the three.

m is for mammogram.
squish squash. good times.

n is for newspaper.
it's not just for good for packing fragile items or cleaning windows!

o is for oatmeal.
i don't care how old i get, i still don't like it.

p is for passion.
what would you give your life for?

q is for quiet.
now you understand why mom and dad always yelled at you to turn down the music. sometimes you just crave the quiet.

r is for retinol.
wrinkle reducing AND pore minimizing - the best of both worlds!

s is for secrets.
they just aren't about foolish crushes and petty gossip anymore.

t is for tragedy.
maybe bad things were always happening, but as you grow older you notice the tragedies because the diagnoses, divorces, and deaths are happening to your friends.

u is for umbrella.
you should always be carrying one. which means carrying a handbag big enough to hold one, and the 25 other items you MUST have with you at all times.

v is for vegetables.
glenda was right, you just can't eat enough vegetables in a day.

w is for white hair.
yes, it's true. i am only 25, but i find at least one new white hair on my head every day.

x is for xerox machines.
the bane of my professional existence.

y is for yardwork.
there's something gratifying about cleaning out an overgrown flowerbed and starting over.

z is for zebras.
why not?

haunted

he was in my dream last night. it's been a year and half and i have never dreamt about it, but there he was.

he was smiling.

i still have a picture of us together. smiling.

i keep the picture, in spite of it all. i don't look at it often, but i can't delete it. it reminds me that no matter how well you think you know someone, in a moment they may completely betray your naive trust. no matter how innocent the smile, you just don't know what is going on behind it.

i talked about him yesterday. maybe that's what triggered the dream. although, i've talked about it many times before. why this time?

i don't remember anything about the dream except his smile. his haunting smile.

i don't remember most of that new year's night. still. some people make them selves sick trying to remember. i just want to forget.

i just want to forget.

will i ever forget?

moving forward

he came upon me so quickly that i didn't have time to calculate my response. suddenly, i heard his voice bellowing from over my shoulder. i couldn't even look at him. i made an honest attempt to appear as normal as possible, excused myself from the conversation and walked away without looking back.

people tell me i ought to be over it by now, but i don't know that i will ever be "over it". as natalie maines sings, "forgive? sounds good. forget? i'm not sure i could. they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting..."

it's been two years. and in these two years i have come a long way. i no longer hate him. and boy did i hate him. i know it is a strong word, but two years ago i would have told you that i hated that man for ruining my life, for ruining my career, and for ruining my faith. he may have left me a little bruised and beaten, but now two years later, i can say that i have forgiven him and i have moved forward with my life.

seeing him again was a dark reminder that while i continue to move foward, i have a long way to go before i am completely healed. while my initial faith in other people has returned, a totality of trust has not. although the acceptance of my calling has returned, an assured confidence in it still falters. and however little i may think of him these days, when i am face to face with him again i can't help but tremble in fear and burn up in anger all over again. i cannot force myself to look at him and words are impossible to find.

how can i say that i've forgiven someone but still have such a reaction when i merely hear his voice? some say that you must forget in order to truly forgive. others tell you that true forgiveness mends the broken relationship. i think that both theories are crap. how do you tell a jewish man who suffered through the holocaust that he must forget what he went through? how do you tell a battered wife that in order to forgive her husband she has to endure the abuse and mend their relationship? in theory, these forgiveness policies sound great and noble, but when played out in reality they simply sound ridiculous.

forgiveness isn't about the other person. it's about you. it's about cleansing your soul of the viral bitterness that hatred causes when not properly treated. it's about forgiving others as God has forgiven me. it's about asking God for forgiveness of the part i played in the ultimate downfall. it's about moving forward.

picking petals

"but what do you WANT this to mean?" she said so simply.

i had asked katie to help me analyze a message i had received. i wanted to help me decode his words and figure out what he wanted from me. a friendship? a relationship? nothing?

the reality, though, is that his meaning is not really what matters here. regardless of his intentions for wanting to see me, the real question surrounds what i want it to mean. i can't control his idea of what we are or what he would want us to be. i can barely control my own. his answer to the question matters only after i answer this question for myself.

the bottom line is that before i allow myself to fall any deeper into this situation, i need to figure out just what i'm looking for here. i need to weigh my options and make a conscious decision as to whether or not he's worth it. maybe he is, but maybe he's not...

one decision at a time

"you change your life one decision at a time"

everyone in the office has made the decision to get healthy this summer. we are holding each other accountable and are spending our lunches together, ironically, in the wellness center conference room. we have set total weight loss goals, added new exercise routines, made dietary alterations, or taken vitamins more seriously. every day at lunch, we talk about how we're doing and motivate each other to keep up the hard work.

something tim said the other day has really stuck with me. originally, i had set a weight loss goal and made exercise and dietary plans accordingly. then tim said, "havaleh, someone once told me that it's not about the end goal or the targets we set. you change your life one decision at a time."

this has been my mantra for the past several weeks. one decision at a time, i will change my lifestyle and become a healthier individual. i woke up saturday morning and didn't feel like doing anything, but i went for a hike anyway. i reached into that candy dish at work, but my hand escaped empty. i could have driven across campus for that meeting today, but i walked instead.

every moment of every day we make decision after decision. we decide to get out of bed in the morning, decide whether or not we will go to work, decide what we eat, how active or lazy we want to be, how to spend our money... the list goes on forever.

we change our lives on decision at a time. sure, goals are important because they offer some self-motivation. but ultimately, a goal doesn't make you lose weight. a goal doesn't do your grocery shopping. a goal doesn't make you take your pills every day. a goal doesn't get you to bed a decent hour. decisions do.

and so, one decision at a time, i am changing my life...

undiscovered

"i'm not lost. no, no... just undiscovered."
~ james morrison


i am rediscovering james morrison and his incredible music. his deeply emotional vocals and relatable lyrics haunt my soul these days. his songs are the soundtrack to my dreams each night.

this is one of my favorite songs of his - undiscovered. i can't help but hear some of sting between the lines...

"i'm sending an s.o.s. to the world.
i hope someone gets my message in a bottle.

walked out this morning, don't believe what i saw:
hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.
seems i'm not alone at being alone.
hundred billion castaways looking for a home..."

a heart full of gratitude

"you touched my life, and i thought you should know"

such simple words. how often do we tell the people who have inspired us just how much they mean to us?

i don't do it often enough at all. as i told patrick tonight, i am not good with goodbyes. i'm even worse at telling people just how much they mean to me. i'm awkward and i'm a cynic and a skeptic and a goof to boot. i'm just not good at mushy situations.

i once had a boyfriend who would ask me dance at the end of movies. we'd be curled up on the couch and as soon as music cued the credits he would stand up, offer out his hand, and ask me to dance. most girls would melt in this moment. i cringed. here i was, in the middle of a chick flick moment and all i could think of was how funny it would look to someone passing by. (who would be passing by my living room?!)

i'm wierd, what can i say.

so when i received this phone call today, i was shocked and downright uncomfortable. i hadn't seen or talked to this person for six years or so, but he called to thank me for being a friend to him when he was going through a tough time.

talk about your heart skipping a beat...

what an incredible gesture. in those moments on the phone, he was teaching me a lesson in being humble and in truly showing appreciation for those who have made you a better person. he has such courage to pick up the phone and call people out of the blue to offer a few words of gratitude. do i have that kind of courage? do you?

i wonder if he knew just how much he was allowing God to use him in that conversation...

in the spirit of such an incredible young man, i want to offer thanks to the following:

to my mother and father: for supporting me in every crazy endeavor 100%

to my neice: for inspiring me to be me, no matter how silly i look

to heather: for challenging me to become to woman God has made me to be

to katie: for brutal honesty and asking the questions i won't ask myself

to andrew: for loving me despite everything

to the boys: for sticking with me through all of these years and reminding me where home will always be

to mike: for teaching me that i deserve someone no less than wonderful

to adriane: for always being a shoulder to cry on

to ashley: for standing beside me and holding me up

to the char-latte crew: for opening my eyes to all the possibilities of life

to the hinkle family (chandra, derek, syndey, hunter): for accepting me into your family and never letting me feel alone

to carl and cindy: for showing me what true love looks like

to missionary george: for teaching me to recognize just how rich i am and the importance of being in ministry with those who are not

to ruth: for introducing me to the idea of ministry in the first place

to angela gay: for forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone time and time again

to brooke: for being the big sister i always wanted

to gloria: for teaching me how to find joy in every moment

to chris: for believing in my calling when i sometimes forget

to haley: for encouraging my musing and entertaining my dreams

to amber: for being such a vibrant light in my life

to kelly: for teaching me about unconditional love

to sean: for never letting me forget not to take life too seriously

to my pfeiffer pfamily: for welcoming me into your arms and rebuilding my faith in others

to my fellow refugees: for supporting me through one of the most difficult decisions of my life

to my students: for inspiring me daily through your own ministry, whether you'd call it that or not

three dog night, i mean morning

we rounded the bend in the road and, if we had not stopped in time, nearly hit three little puppies sniffing something in the middle of the road. we sat in stunned silence for a few seconds before katy and i jumped out of the car and called for the puppies. we scooped them up and got back in the car.

what were we doing?

what were we going to do with these puppies?

we couldn't go back to misenheimer to feed them and give them a place to play while we made up our minds. we would miss katie's appointment at the surgery center and there was no way she was missing this surgery. so we drove on, continuting our journey toward charlotte...

how would we orchestrate katie's surgery and taking care of these dogs?

katie and i went into the surgery center to check her in and find out about nearby vets. katy stayed in the car with the sleeping pups.
suddenly, i realize that i know of a 24 hour animal hospital nearby. i relieve katy of her puppy duties. she goes inside to be with katie, and i take the puppies to the hospital. the puppies just sleep in the back seat as i navigate through the city.

i pulled into the parking lot and reached in the back to pick up the puppies. they fought me. i couldn't help but wonder if this was too similar to the last experience they had in a car. they were surely dumped on the side of the road by someone less human to actually act decently and find new homes for these puppies if they themselves did not want them or could no longer care for them.

again, i fight the urge to adopt all three, and i take them inside where the vet immediately takes them in her arms and loves on them. she will clean them up, check them over, and find them good homes.

tonight, over 36 hours later, i am still thinking about these puppies and wondering if God put them in our path that morning. three young ladies about to live on their own; three loving puppies needing good homes?

eh, i would not be a good mom to a puppy just yet.
1) don't have the money
2) don't have a fenced yard that they could play in
3) i live on a highway with active railroad tracks going through my front yard
4) i have a very dominant cat
5) i'm just not home consistently enough

all i can do is pray that each of those puppies finds a loving home and a family who will take care of them the way they deserve...