"silent night, holy night
all is calm, all is bright
round yon virgin mother and child
holy infant, so tender and mild
sleep in heavenly peace"
years ago our house would be full of guests for christmas eve. my grandparents would be visiting from bellaire and chris would be in from pickerington for the night. to make room for the extra people, my brother would move into my room and sleep on the floor. one of my fondest christmas memories is laying in bed delaying sleep, staring at the ceiling singing silent night with my big brother, taking turns to create the coolest harmonies.
then there was the first time i ever heard my grandfather sing. although mom and dad tell me that he used to sing me czech lullabies to help me sleep, the first time i remember my grandpa singing was when i was in middle school. it was at our christmas eve worship service during silent night. the tender sweetness in his voice gave me chills. if i could have seen into his mind during that song, i think i would have seen childhood memories of singing carols with his many siblings in snowy st. joe, ohio.
tonight, as i sang the song for the millionth time, i couldn't help but marvel at the many changes over the years. sure, i was in the same church i had spent christmas eve most years of my life, but as much as time seemed to stand still, the faces around me told a different tale. the new faces sitting in the pews around me, the many old familiar faces that have gone missing over the years...the bible study mentors who left such a strong impact on my theological thought process, the youth group friends and their families who shared so many experiences, missionary george who taught me what it was like to be a servant leader, worship team leaders who challenged me to let the holy spirit out of the box, best friends who showed me unconditional love, family who now has families of their own, family who have died.
so many people were missing. so much has changed. and yet, the song is a constant. year after year we sing the verses and raise our lit candles in the air. for those few minutes, all truly is calm. babies who have screamed throughout the service are somehow hushed, noses that sniffled and sneezed are dry, hearts that have been hurting finally sense the hope that the newborn baby we sing of brings. for maybe the first time in the busy holiday season, we think not about what is missing in our lives, but about who just arrived.
i can't help but think of mercyme's lullaby told from joseph's point of view - "i believe the glory of heaven is lying in my arms tonight, but Lord i ask that He just for this moment simply be my child." this hope that we've all been waiting for, this knight in shining armor - He's here. but for now, he's just a child. for now, we must remain patient. for now, we cherish the still calm night, because it is only a matter of time before Jesus goes to work in us and through us to change the world.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
boston
if friends are defined as people who love you the way you are and stick around long enough to see who you become, then i have surely been blessed with more friends than i deserve.
over the past week, i have enjoyed a lovely vacation in boston where i have had the privilege of spending time with three such friends:
adriane and i met in middle school. we were in separate grades and although we ran in different circles, we gradually bonded through band competitions and choir trips to new york city. when adriane graduated from high school, we were (un)affectionately known in our little group of friends as the giddy patrol. we were always smiling, always giggling, always having fun together.
sean and i met in college. he was friends with my roommate's crush. the four of us (me, my roommate, her crush, and sean) became fast friends our freshman year. most of my early college memories revolve around the four of us getting ourselves into trouble in one way or another. whether it was sean and greg sneaking onto our dorm roof to escape pledging craziness, saving sean and kelly from drowning in the river, or jumping into the pond at our seventh and final formal together, well, we were living life to the fullest.
charlie and i met a couple years ago at a mutual friend's wedding. i had heard his name consistently for at least five years, but had never met him. instantly, i knew this guy was someone i could appreciate. he could carry on worthwhile conversation, liked to people watch as much as i did, and his facial expressions and good humor kept me laughing most of the night. as much fun as we had that night, i wondered if i would see this new friend again. luckily, i have.
i could have been anywhere this past week - boston, buckhannon, or buckeye lake. what made this vacation so soul swelling was the friends who accompanied me on the little journey. i went to bed early and woke up late, but in between those times i spent time with friends who have allowed me the ebb and flow that comes with growing up.
during this vacation my body rested and my soul stretched, but tomorrow i head back to the village. in six hours i will board a plane and return to a lifestyle that stresses my psyche and tires my feet. i will rush into the office to make the necessary changes to the weekly newsletter before going to print at 9am. then i will put the finishing touches on my presentation for class before going to a staff meeting that will take most of the rest of the morning. i will grab lunch, teach class, and have just enough time at the end of the day to skim through the pile of mail that is surely waiting at my desk.
my prayer is this... that God would quiet my mind long enough to enjoy the last few hours i have of freedom and that i might remember that my life was made for more than work. my life was made for friendship and adventure and love and laughter. may God remind me of those times spent as a giddy little girl with adriane and a trouble-making teenager with sean because healthy doses of those will help me to one day become the unforgettable woman i was created to be.
over the past week, i have enjoyed a lovely vacation in boston where i have had the privilege of spending time with three such friends:
adriane and i met in middle school. we were in separate grades and although we ran in different circles, we gradually bonded through band competitions and choir trips to new york city. when adriane graduated from high school, we were (un)affectionately known in our little group of friends as the giddy patrol. we were always smiling, always giggling, always having fun together.
sean and i met in college. he was friends with my roommate's crush. the four of us (me, my roommate, her crush, and sean) became fast friends our freshman year. most of my early college memories revolve around the four of us getting ourselves into trouble in one way or another. whether it was sean and greg sneaking onto our dorm roof to escape pledging craziness, saving sean and kelly from drowning in the river, or jumping into the pond at our seventh and final formal together, well, we were living life to the fullest.
charlie and i met a couple years ago at a mutual friend's wedding. i had heard his name consistently for at least five years, but had never met him. instantly, i knew this guy was someone i could appreciate. he could carry on worthwhile conversation, liked to people watch as much as i did, and his facial expressions and good humor kept me laughing most of the night. as much fun as we had that night, i wondered if i would see this new friend again. luckily, i have.i could have been anywhere this past week - boston, buckhannon, or buckeye lake. what made this vacation so soul swelling was the friends who accompanied me on the little journey. i went to bed early and woke up late, but in between those times i spent time with friends who have allowed me the ebb and flow that comes with growing up.
during this vacation my body rested and my soul stretched, but tomorrow i head back to the village. in six hours i will board a plane and return to a lifestyle that stresses my psyche and tires my feet. i will rush into the office to make the necessary changes to the weekly newsletter before going to print at 9am. then i will put the finishing touches on my presentation for class before going to a staff meeting that will take most of the rest of the morning. i will grab lunch, teach class, and have just enough time at the end of the day to skim through the pile of mail that is surely waiting at my desk.
my prayer is this... that God would quiet my mind long enough to enjoy the last few hours i have of freedom and that i might remember that my life was made for more than work. my life was made for friendship and adventure and love and laughter. may God remind me of those times spent as a giddy little girl with adriane and a trouble-making teenager with sean because healthy doses of those will help me to one day become the unforgettable woman i was created to be.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
moonlight
pete and i were taking our daily midnight stroll when i looked up and saw the most beautiful full moon. the clouds though, they were moving so quickly that the moonlight was something like a strobe light. with halloween approaching on the calendar my mind instantly went to classic cinematic moments in film when you know that something big is about to happen because the shot focuses on the moon just as clouds cover it in darkness. before i completely creeped myself out by thinking about horror films and halloween ghosts my mind switched gears and landed on a completely different train of thought.
i don't know what is different this year, but i feel like i am working 24/7. i work all day, then i come home and i work on my computer all night into the wee hours of dark. tonight, for example, i finished at 1:20am. with this crazy pace of life, i'm having a hard time keeping focus on the bigger things of life.
chris used to say, "don't get so lost in the urgent that you lose sight of the important." i'm lost in the urgent and i have no map to get out. i can't get past the "have-to"s and the "must-be"s to be able to think about the "want-to"s or the "could-be"s. even as i write, i'm thinking about work - the "want-to"s and "could-be"s for Pfeiffer.
the more important things of life, though, are health, family, friends and faith. and i'm not doing so well in any of those areas. i called my brother and sister-in-law last night and realized that i nearly forgot my niece's birthday next week. i would not have remembered had nicole not mentioned it. i'm trying to get together with friends and the first day i have free is october 30th, and i don't even have the full day. i have work that evening. i have been trying to get back to the gym for weeks, but i can't find time in the day to make it happen. i keep saying, "i'll go tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes.
and then there's my faith. church isn't worship for me right now. i go and i try to center my mind, but i can't help but run through my to-do list over and over again wondering if it will end on time and whether i can get out of the door without being stopped for conversation so i can get back to my office and cross something else off of my list.
work is clouding the Light from shining in my world.
but something big is about to happen.
i don't know what it is yet, but the horror film suspense is killing me.
Monday, August 30, 2010
locked out
i’ve been staying at a friend’s house for the weekend, but yesterday i drove back to misenheimer for a few hours to take another friend out for her birthday and pick up the bill from a student activity at the local movie theater. at the end of the night i drove back to charlotte to stay with my friend. when i showed up at her door around midnight i called and i texted, but heard no response. i noticed that her bedroom light was still on, so i rang the doorbell. the light turned off. i called again. no response.
we lock our doors at night to keep out strangers and thieves. we lock our hearts for the very same reason.
one bad experience too many and we build up walls to protect us from being hurt again. you say you're not into public displays of affection because it’s easier than admitting that you’re completely insecure about your body. you tell people you don’t want to have kids because it’s easier than confessing that your heart broke the moment the doctor told you that you couldn’t. you believe his it-will-be-different-this-time lies because it's easier to be with someone who's wrong for you than to wait for that someone who is right.
i've got pentagon worthy security systems around my heart. i use sarcasm as a deterrent and when all else fails, there's always self-sabotage to finish the job.
i once dated a guy who (after we broke up, of course) told me that i wasn't affectionate enough. i didn't hold his hand in public or sit on his lap at parties. i didn't give him enough love. i told him that it was probably because i didn't love him. the truth is, though, that after months of dating i was still so uncertain of his affection for me that i was unwilling to risk my own.
so i'm standing in front of my friend's house, about to cry because i'm so exhausted from a long couple days. i text every friend i have in charlotte. well, every friend that just might still be awake at 1am. no one answers. i decide to drive back to misenheimer, but everyone there is asleep, including the student who is petsitting at my house for the weekend. i have nowhere to sleep in charlotte, and i can't go back to my house either. i'm homeless. i have nowhere to go. in a spirit of desparation i post a status on facebook and one of my lovely colleagues immediately offers for me to crash at her place.
my friend called me at 3:30am when she woke up and realized that i had never come back. she was considerably worried and overly apologetic. i drove back to charlotte and walked up to her house, and she immediately promised to have a spare key made for me so this would never happen again.
relationships are all about taking risks. sometimes we see the light on inside and it gives us hope that the door will be opened for us, that those self-built walls will come crumbling down. we call and text and bang on the door just to see the light go off and be left alone out on the street. sometimes, though, you're invited in and even given your very own key.
we lock our doors at night to keep out strangers and thieves. we lock our hearts for the very same reason.
one bad experience too many and we build up walls to protect us from being hurt again. you say you're not into public displays of affection because it’s easier than admitting that you’re completely insecure about your body. you tell people you don’t want to have kids because it’s easier than confessing that your heart broke the moment the doctor told you that you couldn’t. you believe his it-will-be-different-this-time lies because it's easier to be with someone who's wrong for you than to wait for that someone who is right.
i've got pentagon worthy security systems around my heart. i use sarcasm as a deterrent and when all else fails, there's always self-sabotage to finish the job.
i once dated a guy who (after we broke up, of course) told me that i wasn't affectionate enough. i didn't hold his hand in public or sit on his lap at parties. i didn't give him enough love. i told him that it was probably because i didn't love him. the truth is, though, that after months of dating i was still so uncertain of his affection for me that i was unwilling to risk my own.
so i'm standing in front of my friend's house, about to cry because i'm so exhausted from a long couple days. i text every friend i have in charlotte. well, every friend that just might still be awake at 1am. no one answers. i decide to drive back to misenheimer, but everyone there is asleep, including the student who is petsitting at my house for the weekend. i have nowhere to sleep in charlotte, and i can't go back to my house either. i'm homeless. i have nowhere to go. in a spirit of desparation i post a status on facebook and one of my lovely colleagues immediately offers for me to crash at her place.
my friend called me at 3:30am when she woke up and realized that i had never come back. she was considerably worried and overly apologetic. i drove back to charlotte and walked up to her house, and she immediately promised to have a spare key made for me so this would never happen again.
relationships are all about taking risks. sometimes we see the light on inside and it gives us hope that the door will be opened for us, that those self-built walls will come crumbling down. we call and text and bang on the door just to see the light go off and be left alone out on the street. sometimes, though, you're invited in and even given your very own key.
Monday, August 23, 2010
humpty dumpty
i was in such a hurry that i was at the door before i realized that i hadn't yet put shoes on. i ran back up the stairs to my closet and pulled out my favorite 4-inch nine west wedges. they matched my outfit perfectly and i rarely get to wear them these days. i buckled each shoe in record time before darting for the stairs.
my left foot didn't leave the top stair. the rest of me, however, kept tumbling down the stairs. eventually, all of me ended up at the bottom of the staircase. if i weren't in such a rush, i would have shed a tear over the broken shoe that still hung from my left foot, dangling so pathetically, but there simply wasn't enough time for crying. so i ran back up the stairs and put on a pair of tan leather peep-toe pumps and hurried off for a full night.
it wasn't until a couple hours later while i was sitting on the front row for an hour-long lecture that i began to notice the straining in my calf muscle and the ache in my shoulder. i took a handful of aleve tonight in preparation for a long night and even worse morning of pain.
sometimes life has us going so fast that it isn't until we stop and sit still for a little while that we begin to feel the hurt and the disappointment caused along the way.
my left foot didn't leave the top stair. the rest of me, however, kept tumbling down the stairs. eventually, all of me ended up at the bottom of the staircase. if i weren't in such a rush, i would have shed a tear over the broken shoe that still hung from my left foot, dangling so pathetically, but there simply wasn't enough time for crying. so i ran back up the stairs and put on a pair of tan leather peep-toe pumps and hurried off for a full night.
it wasn't until a couple hours later while i was sitting on the front row for an hour-long lecture that i began to notice the straining in my calf muscle and the ache in my shoulder. i took a handful of aleve tonight in preparation for a long night and even worse morning of pain.
sometimes life has us going so fast that it isn't until we stop and sit still for a little while that we begin to feel the hurt and the disappointment caused along the way.
Friday, August 20, 2010
rope bone roots and ballerina dreams
as i threw away the last strings of the rope bone pete had finally shredded to bits, i couldn't help but think about bringing him home that first night. i was in class until 5pm then went to the smith household to pick him up. they sent us home with a bag of rawhides, a huge bag of food, a bright red collar (which as soon as we got in the car to leave i immediately switched out for the cute blue one he's wearing in the photo), and this thick rope bone that has lasted far longer than any other rope bone i've brought home. i don't know where they bought it, but it's lasted nearly nine months and every other one i've bought to replace it has never lasted more than a week.
i was a chronic thumb-sucker as a child, but i couldn't suck my thumb without holding my blankie right at my nostrils so i could smell the comforting scent of home. eventually, my parents hid my blankie in hopes that i would quit sucking my thumb. society had decided that i was too old to be a thumb-sucker and my parents agreed. it was time to move on. on some level, i bet the guilt i felt as i threw away the final strings of pete's bone into the trash can is similar to the pain my parents felt as they snuck in my room and stole my blankee as i was sleeping. there's guilt, but there's also power and a strong sense of caring in knowing that what you're doing is best for the one you love, even if they won't think so at the time.
funny how our roots stick with us long after we've left. when i was a little girl i dreamt of being a ballerina waitress. i wanted to invent this new profession where one could twirl in tiny circles as she danced her way to deliver food to her customers. like pete's red collar, that dream got switched out for one more fitting as i got older.
other dreams though, they haven't disappeared so quickly. i had a plan for my life. at twenty-seven i was supposed to be married with two children, maybe another one on the way. i was supposed to have already had an exciting career and a busy big city life. instead, i live in a village with a dog who destroys toys and a cat who still hasn't forgiven me for bringing home the dog. i'm not married. and i don't have any kids, either. and although my job keeps me on my toes a lot, i can't honestly call it "exciting".
like pete and his beloved rope bone from the smiths, i've held on to old ideas. ideas of what my life 'should have been'. but like the single lifeless string hanging from pete's lips, those dreams are useless. i barely notice them in myself, but the danger of their ability to strangle my insides still exists. i must let go of them in order to embrace new dreams.
i'll keep buying different brands of rope bones until i find one as durable as his first. and i'll keep dreaming dreams until i find one worth truly chasing. dreams are only dreams. but when you find one worth chasing it becomes more than a dream. it becomes your life.
i'm tired of merely dreaming. i'm ready to live.
i was a chronic thumb-sucker as a child, but i couldn't suck my thumb without holding my blankie right at my nostrils so i could smell the comforting scent of home. eventually, my parents hid my blankie in hopes that i would quit sucking my thumb. society had decided that i was too old to be a thumb-sucker and my parents agreed. it was time to move on. on some level, i bet the guilt i felt as i threw away the final strings of pete's bone into the trash can is similar to the pain my parents felt as they snuck in my room and stole my blankee as i was sleeping. there's guilt, but there's also power and a strong sense of caring in knowing that what you're doing is best for the one you love, even if they won't think so at the time.
funny how our roots stick with us long after we've left. when i was a little girl i dreamt of being a ballerina waitress. i wanted to invent this new profession where one could twirl in tiny circles as she danced her way to deliver food to her customers. like pete's red collar, that dream got switched out for one more fitting as i got older.
other dreams though, they haven't disappeared so quickly. i had a plan for my life. at twenty-seven i was supposed to be married with two children, maybe another one on the way. i was supposed to have already had an exciting career and a busy big city life. instead, i live in a village with a dog who destroys toys and a cat who still hasn't forgiven me for bringing home the dog. i'm not married. and i don't have any kids, either. and although my job keeps me on my toes a lot, i can't honestly call it "exciting".
like pete and his beloved rope bone from the smiths, i've held on to old ideas. ideas of what my life 'should have been'. but like the single lifeless string hanging from pete's lips, those dreams are useless. i barely notice them in myself, but the danger of their ability to strangle my insides still exists. i must let go of them in order to embrace new dreams.
i'll keep buying different brands of rope bones until i find one as durable as his first. and i'll keep dreaming dreams until i find one worth truly chasing. dreams are only dreams. but when you find one worth chasing it becomes more than a dream. it becomes your life.
i'm tired of merely dreaming. i'm ready to live.
Friday, August 13, 2010
i want to vomit
i hear the word "racism" and i think of the sixties. but, in light of dr. laura's recent radio ridiculousness, i have to ask - is racism still an issue in america today? sadly, yes it is. and homophobia and sexism and...and...the list could go on forever.
i hear the six-letter N word and the three-letter F word and i am utterly flabbergasted. how does anyone on this earth think that it is okay to use such vulgar langauge? i see "that's so gay" and "that's so retarded" littering facebook pages and i want to pull my hair out.
no matter how many degrading prejudices surface in conversation, i am always surprised. every time. it never becomes normal and it never becomes expected. i still can't believe that people think it's okay to speak that way.
i've heard students express concern about sharing a room with a homosexual person and i've heard parents demand that their child get placed with a roommate of the same race. SERIOUSLY?!
my heart is hurt and my stomach is sick. i want to vomit.
how do we fight these prejudices? we have to speak up. we have to. when we hear someone use offensive language, we need to address it. immediately. and consistently. and we have to educate each other about our differences. i believe that prejudices are created out of our fear of the unknown and the only way to disband them is to learn more about each other.
one day we will finally live up to those words of Jesus to "love one another" (john 13:34). such a simple commandment, and yet we just can't get it right. until we can truly love each other without prejudice, can we really call ourselves "christian"?
i hear the six-letter N word and the three-letter F word and i am utterly flabbergasted. how does anyone on this earth think that it is okay to use such vulgar langauge? i see "that's so gay" and "that's so retarded" littering facebook pages and i want to pull my hair out.
no matter how many degrading prejudices surface in conversation, i am always surprised. every time. it never becomes normal and it never becomes expected. i still can't believe that people think it's okay to speak that way.
i've heard students express concern about sharing a room with a homosexual person and i've heard parents demand that their child get placed with a roommate of the same race. SERIOUSLY?!
my heart is hurt and my stomach is sick. i want to vomit.
how do we fight these prejudices? we have to speak up. we have to. when we hear someone use offensive language, we need to address it. immediately. and consistently. and we have to educate each other about our differences. i believe that prejudices are created out of our fear of the unknown and the only way to disband them is to learn more about each other.
one day we will finally live up to those words of Jesus to "love one another" (john 13:34). such a simple commandment, and yet we just can't get it right. until we can truly love each other without prejudice, can we really call ourselves "christian"?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
27 gifts for 27 years
last year i offered 26 memories for 26 years. to honor my birthday this year, in no particular order, i will share the 27 best gifts of my 27 years:
1) mr. darcy. kara appreciate my love of the book and developed a tradition of always giving me a gift related to pride and prejudice. mr. darcy was my birthday gift several years ago. he is the perfect cat. he plays fetch, he drinks from the faucet, he defends my honor. i love him :)
2) my bed. my grandmother spent most of her life as a clothing buyer for stone and thomas department stores. shopping wasn't just a hobby, it was her life. she loves to shop, and i love to shop with her.
3) broadway light series. jenny and sally are two of most generous people i have ever known - they are constantly caring for the people around them through the gifts of their love, their time, their service, and of course, theater tickets.
4) scripture note. kelly set a high standard for my roommates that came after her. she was bold, strong, funny, caring, and extremely supportive of every one of my dreams. one day, just when i really needed it, i came back to our dorm room to find a note on my desk with an encouraging scripture verse. it's been 9 years and that index card still encourages me from the bulletin board above my work desk.
5) banana pudding. gloria and chris came to visit me shortly after my gallbladder surgery with a wonderful dinner, including homemade banana pudding. i've never tasted anything so delicious. for days, all i could eat was bootsie's pimento cheese and gloria's banana pudding.
6) mirror. chris had put a very unique mirror in the family yard sale. i saw it and brought it back inside. it is the centerpiece of my kitchen and the inspiration for the entire decoration.
7) sex and the city. andrew gave me the complete series one christmas. when i get lonely in the village sometimes, carrie and the girls keep me company :)
8) my house. sure, the roof rotted through and the bathroom plumbing was leaking through my walls, but i love this house and it is so nice that pfeiffer lets me live here. it truly is my home.
9) my box. heather decoupaged a wooden box representing countless memories. i catch a glimpse of the box and i can't help but grin thinking of all of the fun times we had.
10) chopper. chandra introduced me to the wonderful world of pampered chef with a vegetable chopper several years ago when she began working for the company. i've been hooked ever since.
11) nativity. mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa all came together to gift me the entire willow tree nativity set. at dilworth, i left it up year-round. it's just too beautiful to keep in a box 11 months of the year.
12) zedica. trevor and nicole didn't give birth to zedica as a gift to me, but every day with her feels like opening gifts on christmas morning. she is such a joy and adds so much to my life.
13) goodbye gift. lynn gathered families at dilworth and gave with such generosity that i could have never said "thank you" enough. it was so far above and beyond and it really helped me to walk away without the overwhelming stress of being jobless and without income.
14) music. i don't know what i would do in this world if i could not appreciate the delicate melodies and intricate harmonies of my favorite musicians.
15) cat ornament. while i worry that the fact that someone randomly bought me a cat ornament may imply that i am turning into a cat lady, the idea that someone thought of me and wanted to gift me something anonymously is beautiful. thank you, whoever you are!
16) my first car. rhonda the honda. she was a 1999 civic and she was well loved. i used to sing "help me rhonda" to her on our long road trips together. she was smashed to bits on park road one dark day in charlotte. i made it out alive from the accident, but she didn't. i miss her...
17) my job. kathleen and gloria reached out to me at a time when my faith in the church was lost. they had faith in me, even when i had none in anything. chris took a chance on me, a stranger with more employment baggage than a 23 year old girl could carry. he had faith in me, even when i had none in anything. what was supposed to be a 10 month detour from my path toward being the best youth pastor to ever walk the earth turned into a complete change of direction. and i couldn't be happier.
18) bean bag chair. i don't remember which birthday it was, but brad and chandra got together and gave me the most random assortment of gifts. among them was a bright blue bean bag chair. i loved that chair. and i loved that it was from two of my favorite people.
19) trophy. jacob showed up at my doorstep one morning before high school and presented me with a bowling trophy. he had covered the name plate with masking tape and hand wrote "world's best girlfriend" with black ink. i am sure that he found it at goodwill for ten cents, but the surprise was cute and the goofy sentiment appreciated. it still makes me laugh awkwardly when i think of it.
20) mission trip survival kit. bootsie and amy were the best coworkers in the world. we made an incredible team! when i left for my first mission trip with the dilworth youth, they handed me a survival kit. it was hilarious! it had the essentials - bug spray, asprin, etc. it also had some fun things to keep me sane like bubble and a princess tiara. good times, haha
21) smores kit. the lewisburg youth gave me a smores maker kit when i finished my internship with them so many summers ago. we had made lots of smores together over the summer and every time i pull it out i think of those girls and the amazing summer spent with that community.
22) art. i had the most amazing art teachers. mrs. cheney and mrs. beall inspired me to be creative when other teachers were merely teaching memorization. i struggle sometimes to jump outside of the box, but i still hear their encouragement.
23) pete. pete was rescued by the smith family in charlotte. they put out a massive e-mail search to find a home for him, and i simply answered the call. the family took him to the vet and cared for his initial shots and surgery then gave him to me without accepting payment. he has been such an incredible addition to my little family and i couldn't thank pam enough. (and bootsie for forwarding me the e-mail!)
24) mix cds. rich, heather, and adriane are notorious for making the BEST mix cds. in the days of ipods, few people take the time to thoughtfully put together a good mix cd and these three do an awesome job.
25) birthday breakfast. katy made me birthday breakfast last year and it was delicious! it was a great surprise and the whole office came out to enjoy the yummy delicacy. this is just one of the many culinary creations that katy shares with me on a regular basis.
26) hockey. many moons ago jon briggs introduced me to the wonderful world of ice hockey. i think we watched every hockey movie ever made during that summer in ohio. then along came katie, whose love of buffalo sabres hockey is off the charts. it is so intense that it's contagious ...and i caught the disease!
27) my barbie house. grandpa made all kinds of things for me over the years - bedroom furniture as a little girl, mascot signs in high school, shelving and bed risers for college... but the best was my barbie house. two story home painted pink with white shutters. sliding glass doors to the patio. rolling garage door. real toilet paper, cut and rolled up in the bathroom. spiral staircase. real tile flooring. handmade curtains, thanks to grandma. it was every girl's dream, and it was made especially for me. i can't wait to give that to a special little girl.
1) mr. darcy. kara appreciate my love of the book and developed a tradition of always giving me a gift related to pride and prejudice. mr. darcy was my birthday gift several years ago. he is the perfect cat. he plays fetch, he drinks from the faucet, he defends my honor. i love him :)
2) my bed. my grandmother spent most of her life as a clothing buyer for stone and thomas department stores. shopping wasn't just a hobby, it was her life. she loves to shop, and i love to shop with her.
3) broadway light series. jenny and sally are two of most generous people i have ever known - they are constantly caring for the people around them through the gifts of their love, their time, their service, and of course, theater tickets.
4) scripture note. kelly set a high standard for my roommates that came after her. she was bold, strong, funny, caring, and extremely supportive of every one of my dreams. one day, just when i really needed it, i came back to our dorm room to find a note on my desk with an encouraging scripture verse. it's been 9 years and that index card still encourages me from the bulletin board above my work desk.
5) banana pudding. gloria and chris came to visit me shortly after my gallbladder surgery with a wonderful dinner, including homemade banana pudding. i've never tasted anything so delicious. for days, all i could eat was bootsie's pimento cheese and gloria's banana pudding.
6) mirror. chris had put a very unique mirror in the family yard sale. i saw it and brought it back inside. it is the centerpiece of my kitchen and the inspiration for the entire decoration.
7) sex and the city. andrew gave me the complete series one christmas. when i get lonely in the village sometimes, carrie and the girls keep me company :)
8) my house. sure, the roof rotted through and the bathroom plumbing was leaking through my walls, but i love this house and it is so nice that pfeiffer lets me live here. it truly is my home.
9) my box. heather decoupaged a wooden box representing countless memories. i catch a glimpse of the box and i can't help but grin thinking of all of the fun times we had.
10) chopper. chandra introduced me to the wonderful world of pampered chef with a vegetable chopper several years ago when she began working for the company. i've been hooked ever since.
11) nativity. mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa all came together to gift me the entire willow tree nativity set. at dilworth, i left it up year-round. it's just too beautiful to keep in a box 11 months of the year.
12) zedica. trevor and nicole didn't give birth to zedica as a gift to me, but every day with her feels like opening gifts on christmas morning. she is such a joy and adds so much to my life.
13) goodbye gift. lynn gathered families at dilworth and gave with such generosity that i could have never said "thank you" enough. it was so far above and beyond and it really helped me to walk away without the overwhelming stress of being jobless and without income.
14) music. i don't know what i would do in this world if i could not appreciate the delicate melodies and intricate harmonies of my favorite musicians.
15) cat ornament. while i worry that the fact that someone randomly bought me a cat ornament may imply that i am turning into a cat lady, the idea that someone thought of me and wanted to gift me something anonymously is beautiful. thank you, whoever you are!
16) my first car. rhonda the honda. she was a 1999 civic and she was well loved. i used to sing "help me rhonda" to her on our long road trips together. she was smashed to bits on park road one dark day in charlotte. i made it out alive from the accident, but she didn't. i miss her...
17) my job. kathleen and gloria reached out to me at a time when my faith in the church was lost. they had faith in me, even when i had none in anything. chris took a chance on me, a stranger with more employment baggage than a 23 year old girl could carry. he had faith in me, even when i had none in anything. what was supposed to be a 10 month detour from my path toward being the best youth pastor to ever walk the earth turned into a complete change of direction. and i couldn't be happier.
18) bean bag chair. i don't remember which birthday it was, but brad and chandra got together and gave me the most random assortment of gifts. among them was a bright blue bean bag chair. i loved that chair. and i loved that it was from two of my favorite people.
19) trophy. jacob showed up at my doorstep one morning before high school and presented me with a bowling trophy. he had covered the name plate with masking tape and hand wrote "world's best girlfriend" with black ink. i am sure that he found it at goodwill for ten cents, but the surprise was cute and the goofy sentiment appreciated. it still makes me laugh awkwardly when i think of it.
20) mission trip survival kit. bootsie and amy were the best coworkers in the world. we made an incredible team! when i left for my first mission trip with the dilworth youth, they handed me a survival kit. it was hilarious! it had the essentials - bug spray, asprin, etc. it also had some fun things to keep me sane like bubble and a princess tiara. good times, haha
21) smores kit. the lewisburg youth gave me a smores maker kit when i finished my internship with them so many summers ago. we had made lots of smores together over the summer and every time i pull it out i think of those girls and the amazing summer spent with that community.
22) art. i had the most amazing art teachers. mrs. cheney and mrs. beall inspired me to be creative when other teachers were merely teaching memorization. i struggle sometimes to jump outside of the box, but i still hear their encouragement.
23) pete. pete was rescued by the smith family in charlotte. they put out a massive e-mail search to find a home for him, and i simply answered the call. the family took him to the vet and cared for his initial shots and surgery then gave him to me without accepting payment. he has been such an incredible addition to my little family and i couldn't thank pam enough. (and bootsie for forwarding me the e-mail!)
24) mix cds. rich, heather, and adriane are notorious for making the BEST mix cds. in the days of ipods, few people take the time to thoughtfully put together a good mix cd and these three do an awesome job.
25) birthday breakfast. katy made me birthday breakfast last year and it was delicious! it was a great surprise and the whole office came out to enjoy the yummy delicacy. this is just one of the many culinary creations that katy shares with me on a regular basis.
26) hockey. many moons ago jon briggs introduced me to the wonderful world of ice hockey. i think we watched every hockey movie ever made during that summer in ohio. then along came katie, whose love of buffalo sabres hockey is off the charts. it is so intense that it's contagious ...and i caught the disease!
27) my barbie house. grandpa made all kinds of things for me over the years - bedroom furniture as a little girl, mascot signs in high school, shelving and bed risers for college... but the best was my barbie house. two story home painted pink with white shutters. sliding glass doors to the patio. rolling garage door. real toilet paper, cut and rolled up in the bathroom. spiral staircase. real tile flooring. handmade curtains, thanks to grandma. it was every girl's dream, and it was made especially for me. i can't wait to give that to a special little girl.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
untamed and uncut
if you've ever had cable, then you have likely caught a glimpse of animals gone wild 'untamed and uncut', battling in the wilderness. i see such rage and i can't help but stop and stare.
well, animal planet's got nothing on what i witnessed tonight.
leo is my outdoor cat. i don't know that he's been introduced to the blogosphere yet. here he is:
leo adopted me several months ago and i instantly fell in love. we had a few rough days at first. some blood was shed. (mine, not his.) just until i learned that even though he rolls over and teases like he wants you to scratch his belly - he does NOT in fact enjoy that and he WILL attack your hand.
leo is a free spirit. sometimes he sticks around the yard for days, sometimes he only comes by every couple days to eat. this time though...well, he's been absent for a month. so when kevin said that there was a sweet orange cat hanging around the north side of campus, i invited him to bring it over to my place in hopes of keeping it fed and, maybe more importantly, keeping it out of the residence halls when students return next week.
this is where the real story begins...
part one:
tonight, as i was finishing up my last batch of lemon blueberry biscuits, kevin called. he had the cat and wondered if it would be a good time to bring it over to the house. "come on over..."
when i walked outside to greet kevin and my new feline friend, i saw a cat that looked so much like my childhood cat - buddy. it was an orange tabby and so very lovable. she let me hold her (we're pretty sure it's a girl though i didn't get a good look, since it was so dark outside..) and came over to join leo for dinner.
leo wasn't having it. he chased the orange cat away, growling and hissing the whole way. the two cats disappeared into the dark night. part of me was proud, knowing that this meant that leo claimed this place as his home. the other part of me was fearful that i'd find a wounded cat on my doorstep in the morning.
part two:
it isn't long before both cats return. leo is eating from his food bowl at the end of the sidewalk again. the orange cat is underneath my car. clearly, the issue before was the food. so i bring out another dish of food and put it near the car before walking over to pet leo and check him over for any damage. he's happy as can be without a cut or a scratch.
the orange cat appears but bypasses the food and waltzes straight up to the house door. i leave leo to check out this new cat and make sure that she's okay. i feel something wet by her ear, but it turns out to be nothing. she is sweet as can be, even curling up in my lap purring.
suddenly there's a third cat in my yard. it's grey. i've seen it maybe once before, but this is the first time he's really approached the house. he's big. and strong. i can see that from yards away on my porch. my new friend, the orange cat, isn't really interested in this new development at first, but leo perks up almost immediately. after a long staring competition leo and the orange cat chase the grey cat into the woods. they've apparently joined forces.
leo goes back to eating. orange cat returns to me. i get up to go in the house, and she follows me without hesitation.
part four:
i open the door and let this new cat come inside. mr darcy is on his usual perch right inside staring down at the new cat, but not making a move or a sound. things seem to be going well until pete comes barreling through the kitchen to meet his new friend.
the cat freaks out. it was like something out of a cartoon. arched back. fur spiked. eyes huge. before i can get pete restrained the cat literally scales the corner of the room with his claws, bouncing from wall to wall and nearly hitting the ceiling before dropping to the ground again.
by this point pete is almost peeing himself. what happened next though, is the stunning part. mr. darcy quickly came to pete's rescue. he got between pete and i and this new cat, making noises that i could never imagine coming from any living being. the pitch and volume of his growl were unearthly. clearly, i don't speak 'cat', but mr. darcy must have threatened that cat something fierce because as soon as i got that door open even a crack she was out like lightning.
well, animal planet's got nothing on what i witnessed tonight.
leo is my outdoor cat. i don't know that he's been introduced to the blogosphere yet. here he is:
leo adopted me several months ago and i instantly fell in love. we had a few rough days at first. some blood was shed. (mine, not his.) just until i learned that even though he rolls over and teases like he wants you to scratch his belly - he does NOT in fact enjoy that and he WILL attack your hand.
leo is a free spirit. sometimes he sticks around the yard for days, sometimes he only comes by every couple days to eat. this time though...well, he's been absent for a month. so when kevin said that there was a sweet orange cat hanging around the north side of campus, i invited him to bring it over to my place in hopes of keeping it fed and, maybe more importantly, keeping it out of the residence halls when students return next week.
this is where the real story begins...
part one:
tonight, as i was finishing up my last batch of lemon blueberry biscuits, kevin called. he had the cat and wondered if it would be a good time to bring it over to the house. "come on over..."
when i walked outside to greet kevin and my new feline friend, i saw a cat that looked so much like my childhood cat - buddy. it was an orange tabby and so very lovable. she let me hold her (we're pretty sure it's a girl though i didn't get a good look, since it was so dark outside..) and came over to join leo for dinner.
leo wasn't having it. he chased the orange cat away, growling and hissing the whole way. the two cats disappeared into the dark night. part of me was proud, knowing that this meant that leo claimed this place as his home. the other part of me was fearful that i'd find a wounded cat on my doorstep in the morning.
part two:
it isn't long before both cats return. leo is eating from his food bowl at the end of the sidewalk again. the orange cat is underneath my car. clearly, the issue before was the food. so i bring out another dish of food and put it near the car before walking over to pet leo and check him over for any damage. he's happy as can be without a cut or a scratch.
the orange cat appears but bypasses the food and waltzes straight up to the house door. i leave leo to check out this new cat and make sure that she's okay. i feel something wet by her ear, but it turns out to be nothing. she is sweet as can be, even curling up in my lap purring.
suddenly there's a third cat in my yard. it's grey. i've seen it maybe once before, but this is the first time he's really approached the house. he's big. and strong. i can see that from yards away on my porch. my new friend, the orange cat, isn't really interested in this new development at first, but leo perks up almost immediately. after a long staring competition leo and the orange cat chase the grey cat into the woods. they've apparently joined forces.
leo goes back to eating. orange cat returns to me. i get up to go in the house, and she follows me without hesitation.
part four:
i open the door and let this new cat come inside. mr darcy is on his usual perch right inside staring down at the new cat, but not making a move or a sound. things seem to be going well until pete comes barreling through the kitchen to meet his new friend.
the cat freaks out. it was like something out of a cartoon. arched back. fur spiked. eyes huge. before i can get pete restrained the cat literally scales the corner of the room with his claws, bouncing from wall to wall and nearly hitting the ceiling before dropping to the ground again.
by this point pete is almost peeing himself. what happened next though, is the stunning part. mr. darcy quickly came to pete's rescue. he got between pete and i and this new cat, making noises that i could never imagine coming from any living being. the pitch and volume of his growl were unearthly. clearly, i don't speak 'cat', but mr. darcy must have threatened that cat something fierce because as soon as i got that door open even a crack she was out like lightning.
they say the easiest way to bring people together is to give them a common enemy. i've never seen such a vivid reminder of that fact like i did tonight. leo and the orange cat joining forces to rid their home of the stranger grey cat. mr. darcy defending pete and quite possibly sparing him the loss of an eye to belligerent claws.
i will never forget the sound mr. darcy made. i swallowed the sound and heard it in my soul. it was the sound of power and it was the sound of fear. it was the sound of love and hate intertwined together.
i'm writing a book
title: for pete's sake
section one: life
section two: love
section three: faith
i'll be trying out some chapters on here (already have, actually).
be sure to let me know what you think!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
deal or no deal?
know the show 'deal or no deal' on nbc?the premise for the show is this: 25 people hold 25 suitcases, each representing anything from $5 to one $1,000,000. one contestant chooses one suitcase, in hopes that it is the one that holds the million dollar prize. he or she chooses case after case, thus eliminating the possibilities of the case they chose originally.
although i'm not a big fan of the show, i catch it here or there as i flip through channels and i can't help but wonder....isn't this a perfect picture of life?
in faith we choose the truths we will live by, believing that we've chosen right by eliminating the possibilities through our experiences with them. as we get rid of cases that hold $5, $50, $500 we get cocky. we press forward knowing without a doubt that we hold the million dollar truth. but then we choose case #14, secretly holding the half million and it feels like we've been punched in the gut. it hits too close to home. we begin to doubt whether or not we hold the truth. and then the banker offers us a tempting $40,000 and we can't help but weigh the options. a solid, actual $40,000 or faith in the $1,000,000 long-shot? it's tempting...
there's the banker, and then there's the other people holding the suitcases of chance. and instead of competing with the contestant, the people holding the 24 other suitcases cheer them on, sharing in the joy or the disappointment as each new case reveals whether or not the contestant will be going home with a big prize. i swear, some of the case holders take the news with more animation than the contestant! tears of defeat and shrills of triumph - you would think that they were the ones winning or losing the million dollars.
isn't that what the church should be?
isn't that how churches ought to treat other churches? if we believe in the same God, then why do churches compete with one of another? why do we even think about who has the better vacation Bible school, the better praise band, or the larger youth group? when shouldn't we be cheering each other on? the closing of the church down the street is a failure for all of us. the growth of another ministry is a success for us all to celebrate.
so, my comrades of faith: can we break down the barriers of competition and build bridges of shared experience? can we move forward into the world as one unified Body? deal or no deal?
Friday, July 23, 2010
the silence says it all
he's not in the room anymore. i hear his long nails on the old linoleum flooring in the kitchen. then nothing. i hear nothing."PEEEEETE!!!"
he's done it again. i can tell by the silence in the other room. he's jumped up on the counter and eaten some of my cookies from off of the cooling rack. it's happened so many times i don't even have to see it - i know it from the next room.
pete and i, well, we aren't so different. sometimes i try to sneak away from the Master Chef to get a taste of a life that isn't so healthy. i think to myself, "if i'm not supposed to, then why is it right here within arms reach, so easy to get to? surely this is a sign that it's okay, right?" maybe that's what pete was thinking too.. but God knows my steps like i know pete's. God knows my wrongdoings from my silence.
when i'm drifting, my prayer life disappears. i get so hung up on my own ideas for my life that i forget about communicating with my Maker. i forget about communion with my God. and i bet the Master Communicator can tell by my lack of conversation that i'm treading in dangerous territory. i'm in the next room eating the cookies that will eventually make me sick.
i yell a severe "NO" as i arrive in the kitchen just as he jumps down from the counter. he knows that he's in trouble. his head turns low and his ears pull back. i look him square in his big sad eyes and sternly say another "NO" as i point at lips that might as well be quivering, they look so guilty. he always jumps a little at the word - i think he knows what comes next. he lowers his bottom in hopes of avoiding the inevitable smack on the butt.
the worst part about disciplining pete has been the need to pop his butt. he hates it. i hate it. it's a mutual hatred. i wish that a good stern "no" did the trick. but it doesn't. clearly, the message hasn't yet sunk in that jumping on the counter tops and eating people food is not okay. so what next? maybe i'll try the water squirt in the face method again.
i am so frustrated. he knows he shouldn't jump on the counter. clearly, he knows this by his guilty response when i catch him in the act. he knows he shouldn't, but he does it anyway. he knows that the pop on his butt will hurt, but he does it anyway.
...i know that i shouldn't. i know that the consequences are painful. but i, too, choose the mistake time and time again.
will we ever learn? i sure hope so. for pete's sake and for mine.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
pete ate my dinner
in the past 48 hours, pete has successfully:
1. eaten 3 freshly baked chocolate cookies from off the kitchen counter
2. eaten half of my dinner from my plate while i looked away for a moment
3. peed not once or twice, but three times on katy's floor
4. pooped on her floor as well
5. utterly refused to get out of the car and come inside
he has me on edge. well, a lot of different factors have me on edge these days, but his behavior sure isn't helping the situation. it's exhausting when it only effects me. it's humiliating when he acts so horribly at katy's as well.
why is pete acting out like this? clearly he's not happy. i left him. abandoned him for an entire week. and sure, he had the best petsitter a girl could ask for, but i've never left him for that long. and then i came home and have been working nonstop ever since i hit the village again. (it's that time of year again, when i realize that my student leaders return in less than two weeks, that summer as i've known it is coming to a quick end, and that i have not accomplished near what i had planned. it's a stressful time in the stokes penthouse...) so i've been bringing home work every night and hammering away at it while i sit on the couch and all but ignore poor pete.
he's lonely and he's begging for attention.
so am i.
okay, not exactly... more than lonely, i'm frustrated. and more than attention, i crave recognition for my work. ironically, part of my "homework" tonight was to revise the student leader handbook (yet again) and add a section on the importance of recognition in student organizations. i found myself paralyzed. i stared at the blank screen not sure of what exactly i wanted to write. when i finally began, my fingers typed not an explanation to students of the research associated with the direct correlation between sincere recognition and job performance, but instead they shared the fatigue of an over-worked, under-appreciated soul.
as i write, i almost want to take it back. i know that my work is appreciated. i see it in the smiles of students engaged in meaningful activities and i feel it from the support of my fantastic student development cohorts.
but as nicole nordeman sings, "we all need an atta boy or an atta girl" sometimes. we need a pat on the back (not on the head). studies show that job performance rises with the implementation of recognition programs. we all do better when we celebrate our successes. too often we forget to say "thank you". but if you want your organization to be successful, then you must take time to appreciate your accomplishments as individuals and as an institution.
so tomorrow, instead of working on the millions (okay, only 24) items on my weekly to-do list, i'm going to work on creating a recognition program for my little corner of the university. we need ways to thank colleagues and students for their service, ways to recognize their dedication to excellence.
i will also take pete for an extra long walk which will commence with an extended game of fetch in the front yard. maybe i'll even treat him to a bath. he really does love bath time...
in addition, i have a few words for my summer office teammates:
to katy - your work on the curt project is remarkable. it is exciting to see you so excited about this opportunity!
to paula - your endurance with helicopter parents is incredible. you answer phone calls by the dozens every hour with the sincerity and patience of a saint.
to will - you consistently go above and beyond and it does not go unnoticed. your ability to see a need and fill it before anyone asks is inspiring.
to lindsey - you are deeply missed. i sat in your office yesterday in silence to soak in the fact that you are gone. without you i would have gone crazy this summer. your positive attitude and frank analysis were just what the doctor ordered.
to rachel - your ability to take a task and complete it with perfection is absolutely ideal. i never have to question the level of work i will receive. this is rare. (especially for an opinionated perfectionist like me.)
to becca - your level of expertise in the areas of residence life and alcohol education are critical to student success. you are not only a joy to work with, you are needed here. your knowledge is extraordinary, especially considering your years in the field.
1. eaten 3 freshly baked chocolate cookies from off the kitchen counter2. eaten half of my dinner from my plate while i looked away for a moment
3. peed not once or twice, but three times on katy's floor
4. pooped on her floor as well
5. utterly refused to get out of the car and come inside
he has me on edge. well, a lot of different factors have me on edge these days, but his behavior sure isn't helping the situation. it's exhausting when it only effects me. it's humiliating when he acts so horribly at katy's as well.
why is pete acting out like this? clearly he's not happy. i left him. abandoned him for an entire week. and sure, he had the best petsitter a girl could ask for, but i've never left him for that long. and then i came home and have been working nonstop ever since i hit the village again. (it's that time of year again, when i realize that my student leaders return in less than two weeks, that summer as i've known it is coming to a quick end, and that i have not accomplished near what i had planned. it's a stressful time in the stokes penthouse...) so i've been bringing home work every night and hammering away at it while i sit on the couch and all but ignore poor pete.
he's lonely and he's begging for attention.
so am i.
okay, not exactly... more than lonely, i'm frustrated. and more than attention, i crave recognition for my work. ironically, part of my "homework" tonight was to revise the student leader handbook (yet again) and add a section on the importance of recognition in student organizations. i found myself paralyzed. i stared at the blank screen not sure of what exactly i wanted to write. when i finally began, my fingers typed not an explanation to students of the research associated with the direct correlation between sincere recognition and job performance, but instead they shared the fatigue of an over-worked, under-appreciated soul.
as i write, i almost want to take it back. i know that my work is appreciated. i see it in the smiles of students engaged in meaningful activities and i feel it from the support of my fantastic student development cohorts.
but as nicole nordeman sings, "we all need an atta boy or an atta girl" sometimes. we need a pat on the back (not on the head). studies show that job performance rises with the implementation of recognition programs. we all do better when we celebrate our successes. too often we forget to say "thank you". but if you want your organization to be successful, then you must take time to appreciate your accomplishments as individuals and as an institution.
so tomorrow, instead of working on the millions (okay, only 24) items on my weekly to-do list, i'm going to work on creating a recognition program for my little corner of the university. we need ways to thank colleagues and students for their service, ways to recognize their dedication to excellence.
i will also take pete for an extra long walk which will commence with an extended game of fetch in the front yard. maybe i'll even treat him to a bath. he really does love bath time...
in addition, i have a few words for my summer office teammates:
to katy - your work on the curt project is remarkable. it is exciting to see you so excited about this opportunity!
to paula - your endurance with helicopter parents is incredible. you answer phone calls by the dozens every hour with the sincerity and patience of a saint.
to will - you consistently go above and beyond and it does not go unnoticed. your ability to see a need and fill it before anyone asks is inspiring.
to lindsey - you are deeply missed. i sat in your office yesterday in silence to soak in the fact that you are gone. without you i would have gone crazy this summer. your positive attitude and frank analysis were just what the doctor ordered.
to rachel - your ability to take a task and complete it with perfection is absolutely ideal. i never have to question the level of work i will receive. this is rare. (especially for an opinionated perfectionist like me.)
to becca - your level of expertise in the areas of residence life and alcohol education are critical to student success. you are not only a joy to work with, you are needed here. your knowledge is extraordinary, especially considering your years in the field.
morality
why is it so much harder to disappoint someone else, then to disappoint ourselves?isn't that what morality is all about anyway? it's about avoiding judgment and seeking affirmation. whether from a deity, a society, a family, or an institution, it's all about what others think about us. even when we think that morality comes from some evasive truth within ourselves, well doesn't that just develop from what we've read, who we've known, what we've been taught, and how we've been raised? does one ever really develop a moral code completely out of the blue? no. prove me wrong, but i truly believe that morality comes completely from our societies.
maybe that's why tonight, when i was straying from what i believed to be the "right path" i reached out to my friend katie. katie has always been someone to tell it like it is. never one to sugar coat anything, i knew that katie would slap me across the face with the truth. the truth, also known as morality in this case, was that i am better than the situations i let myself get into. that i was already knee deep in the water and if i were to continue down the path i was headed, i would drown. as dionne farris sings, "don't go near the water if you don't like to swim." if you won't like the outcome down the road, don't entertain the idea at all.
it's a slippery slope. maybe that's why christians regularly pray, "lead me not into temptation" because every bad situation begins with a seemingly small decision for the wrong. it all begins with temptation. and as katie reminded me tonight, sadness, loneliness, boredom - all of these things and more can cloud our judgment in tempting situations. if we let them, those feelings can lead us down dark paths that may offer us fulfillment for a short while but never long-term happiness. typically, when all is said and done, we're left just as we came (and sometimes worse) - discontent and depressed.
katie was exactly the person i needed to talk with tonight. first, she reassured me of her unconditional love and respect for me. second, she reminded me of things i already knew - of honor and commitment. she reminded me of the kind of person i seek to be and the simple truth that every decision i make has consequences even well beyond my reach.
she told me nothing i didn't already know. she said nothing i had not already considered but hearing it from her was more powerful than anything i thought myself.
accountability. it's what keeps morality in practice. because morality is dead if others quit passing judgment on us. as i said earlier, if i would only disappoint myself with bad decisions then i'd probably make them more often. the thought of disappointing katie though? that is more than i care to bear.
so i alter my behavior as well as my attitude. as i've said before, we change our lives one decision at a time, and sometimes we have to keep making that same decision over and over again to keep heading in the direction nwe've chose. today, i again decide that i deserve more than what i've settled for before.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
reunion
"maybe one day i can have a reunion with myself." ~ sebastian bach
it's been anywhere between 5 and 8 years since the last time i spent time with my dear old friend, ryan. we became fast friends in a 1st period high school art class. it wasn't long before ryan, chandra, and i were inseparable. at the time ryan was one of the most important people in my life.
many times over my years, being a youth pastor with teenagers and now with my work in the university setting, students have shared with me stories of hearts broken and friendships lost. i tell my students to cherish every moment they have with the people they love, because when one chapter of your life closes and you move on to the next you may be surprised by who goes with you and maybe even more surprised by who doesn't.
when i left high school and moved on to college life, i thought i was sure of the friends that would stay in my life. ryan was one of them. so how did we end up here, 9 years later and having to catch up on a greater third of our lives? well, i'm not sure... life happened, i guess. i went to college out of state and lost contact.
then yesterday we were reunited. through the wonderful world of facebook, we reconnected and set up a lunch date during my drive from michigan back to north carolina. it felt like a reunion with myself, remembering the person i once was when ryan was last in my life.
more importantly, i could have sat there in conversation with him all day. and nothing, absolutely nothing in this world beats a hug from ryan. somehow i had forgotten...
as i tell my students, sometimes friendships change as you move through life and that's okay. it's only natural. i have been blessed with incredible friends throughout every phase of my life. i have friends today that have been a part of my life since the church nursery, but i've also lost contact with some fantastic people like ryan over the years. reuniting with him yesterday felt like finding pieces of myself again.
so, to my dear friend ryan: thank you. thank you for staying the same lovable, funny, artistic, intelligent guy while evolving into such an incredible man over the years. it is an honor to call you my friend once more.
take some time today and thank the people in your life who have helped to shape you into who you are becoming. cherish the friendships that blossom each day. find people who will make you laugh, share your tears, challenge your mind and strengthen your soul and hold on tight. life sure is a lot more fun and lot more meaningful with them around.
it's been anywhere between 5 and 8 years since the last time i spent time with my dear old friend, ryan. we became fast friends in a 1st period high school art class. it wasn't long before ryan, chandra, and i were inseparable. at the time ryan was one of the most important people in my life.
many times over my years, being a youth pastor with teenagers and now with my work in the university setting, students have shared with me stories of hearts broken and friendships lost. i tell my students to cherish every moment they have with the people they love, because when one chapter of your life closes and you move on to the next you may be surprised by who goes with you and maybe even more surprised by who doesn't.
when i left high school and moved on to college life, i thought i was sure of the friends that would stay in my life. ryan was one of them. so how did we end up here, 9 years later and having to catch up on a greater third of our lives? well, i'm not sure... life happened, i guess. i went to college out of state and lost contact.
then yesterday we were reunited. through the wonderful world of facebook, we reconnected and set up a lunch date during my drive from michigan back to north carolina. it felt like a reunion with myself, remembering the person i once was when ryan was last in my life.more importantly, i could have sat there in conversation with him all day. and nothing, absolutely nothing in this world beats a hug from ryan. somehow i had forgotten...
as i tell my students, sometimes friendships change as you move through life and that's okay. it's only natural. i have been blessed with incredible friends throughout every phase of my life. i have friends today that have been a part of my life since the church nursery, but i've also lost contact with some fantastic people like ryan over the years. reuniting with him yesterday felt like finding pieces of myself again.
so, to my dear friend ryan: thank you. thank you for staying the same lovable, funny, artistic, intelligent guy while evolving into such an incredible man over the years. it is an honor to call you my friend once more.
take some time today and thank the people in your life who have helped to shape you into who you are becoming. cherish the friendships that blossom each day. find people who will make you laugh, share your tears, challenge your mind and strengthen your soul and hold on tight. life sure is a lot more fun and lot more meaningful with them around.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
qualities of presidential proportion
as the institution searches for a new president, it seems as though everyone has an opinion on what they should be looking for and who they should hire. although i may not be as vocal as some others, i too find myself defining what it is i would like to see in the candidates they consider.
and so...to the search committee...the following is a list of qualities i'd like to find in our new president:
1. clear vision. whatever the department, we must all truly measure our objectives against the priorities of the university as defined by our mission statement. if our values have changed, then we need to realign our purpose.
2. transparency and communication. we need someone who will be open and honest about the goings on of the university and demand the same from her/his cabinet.
3. innovative fund-raising. it is no secret that most businesses are hurting these days, and institutions of higher education are not exempt.
i find great satisfaction in creating order out of chaos. at grandma's, i pulled all 100 items out of her linen closet, cleaned and reorganized it. in my office, i spent one evening overhauling the entire file system. my favorite, however, is untangling knotted necklaces. untangling the mess, memorizing each strand - where it came from and how it connects, knowing that somehow some way it will all make sense again. that the necklace will be wearable again someday. such a sense of accomplishment is realized in the end.
there are others like me out there in the world. they see a mess and their blood begins to race. the excitement over the opportunity to fix something is astounding.
that is the type of president we need. someone who is not afraid to stare at the necklace and memorize chain patterns until you pinpoint the problem and address it. someone who wants to get to know faculty and staff and all of the processes we abide by, pulling the loose ends free from the knots and beautifying the piece once more. because this institution is a beautiful community, and we are meant for greatness.
and so...to the search committee...the following is a list of qualities i'd like to find in our new president:
1. clear vision. whatever the department, we must all truly measure our objectives against the priorities of the university as defined by our mission statement. if our values have changed, then we need to realign our purpose.
2. transparency and communication. we need someone who will be open and honest about the goings on of the university and demand the same from her/his cabinet.
3. innovative fund-raising. it is no secret that most businesses are hurting these days, and institutions of higher education are not exempt.
i find great satisfaction in creating order out of chaos. at grandma's, i pulled all 100 items out of her linen closet, cleaned and reorganized it. in my office, i spent one evening overhauling the entire file system. my favorite, however, is untangling knotted necklaces. untangling the mess, memorizing each strand - where it came from and how it connects, knowing that somehow some way it will all make sense again. that the necklace will be wearable again someday. such a sense of accomplishment is realized in the end.
there are others like me out there in the world. they see a mess and their blood begins to race. the excitement over the opportunity to fix something is astounding.
that is the type of president we need. someone who is not afraid to stare at the necklace and memorize chain patterns until you pinpoint the problem and address it. someone who wants to get to know faculty and staff and all of the processes we abide by, pulling the loose ends free from the knots and beautifying the piece once more. because this institution is a beautiful community, and we are meant for greatness.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
this i believe
"if you started a church, i just might consider going"
i spent part of my adolescent life trying to convert my brother to my form of christianity. like most young christians (both in age and in spiritual maturity) i was naive and i saw everything in the black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. if God was real and the Bible was fact then my brother was wrong.
fast forward a few years: it is the summer before my senior year of college and i'm living in lewisburg, wv interning at lewisburg united methodist church, one of the final steps to earning my christian education and religion degree. i met regularly with the senior pastor for what we liked to call our "spirituality sessions", sanctioned meetings to prepare me for the realities of a life in professional ministry. we were in the middle of one of those spirituality sessions at a little ice cream shop on east washington street discussing my upcoming vacation for my brother and sister-in-law's wedding when she asked me, "do you think your brother is going to hell?" it wasn't completely out of the blue but it wasn't entirely expected either. she took me quite by surprise.
i stumbled over an answer. i knew in my heart that i wanted to say "no", but how could i explain that against the plain and simple gospel that i had grown up on? through college i had studied the writings of augustine and tillich, aquinas and barth, wesley and bonhoeffer, bultmann and merton, and let's not forget not one but two niebuhrs. didn't every one agree that in order to get into heaven we must believe in Jesus Christ as Lord ans Savior? didn't every one agree that without Christ, there was no heaven? didn't every one agree that if not heaven, then hell?
didn't they?
or didn't they...
boldly, i replied "no", not knowing what her reaction would be. without a twitch, she continued eating her ice cream and said, "me neither" as if we were agreeing about the state of the weather and not about the future of my one and only brother's very soul.
such a simple moment, but a page-turner for the development of my own personal faith. throughout my 10 years spent in deep theological academic spiritual study i have believed a lot of different things about God, all that we call "creation", and the relationship between the two. i've gone back and forth on the existence of heaven and of hell. i've believed that conservatives have it right and i've believed that only the liberals know the truth. i've begged for both thick books of denominational doctrine and simple three word mission statements. i have prayed to God the Creator, Abba Father, Master Artist, Mother, Great Deity, Ultimate Love, and the Answer. i think the ebb and flow is only natural for the amount of religious study that has consumed my life.
when trevor said that he would visit a church if i built it, it made me wonder...have i watered down the Gospel to the point that anyone can ascribe to it? or have i dug through enough of the man-made gospel and have finally found the God-given truth? knowing my audience, i know some of you will fall on either side of that question.
i choose not to fall, though. i choose to live in the question. (and that's different from sitting on the fence, for those of you already pointing fingers and quoting scripture at me.) and i know that there are a lot of christians out there who choose to embrace the gray areas of faith along with me. i'm not alone in my belief, but outsiders of the church (and yes, i will call them that. not because i am the norm and they are the "other", but because the church has kept them outside, sometimes even purposely.), outsiders of the church only hear what either far side of the widely varied christian spectrum have to say. they only hear the extremists, most of whom many of us would revoke their christian membership card if we could. (that's a whole different discussion right there.) no wonder they want nothing to do with our God... how do the 80% of us who don't protest military burials or burn piles of religious books speak up? how do we share our understanding of faith?
the bottom line is that my spiritual mentor many years ago in lewisburg, wv spoke a truth i still believe when she said, "i think God gets us all in the end, one way or another" because i believe that God had us all before we were even conceived. i believe in a God that is in every bit of creation including each of us. God gets us all in the end, one way or another, because God had us in the beginning and never let us go. loving others is not just about sharing your faith, it's about unifying the one God within us and around us.
a few things i know i believe:
1. God is neither male nor female. God is greater than any human explanation.
2. God's ways are bigger than my human brain can comprehend.
3. God never gives up on us. never.
4. Jesus is the Master Teacher of how to live a perfectly faithful life.
5. The Holy Spirit is the source of creativity and the inspiration for love.
6. the bottom line is not heaven or hell - it's Love.
i spent part of my adolescent life trying to convert my brother to my form of christianity. like most young christians (both in age and in spiritual maturity) i was naive and i saw everything in the black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. if God was real and the Bible was fact then my brother was wrong.
fast forward a few years: it is the summer before my senior year of college and i'm living in lewisburg, wv interning at lewisburg united methodist church, one of the final steps to earning my christian education and religion degree. i met regularly with the senior pastor for what we liked to call our "spirituality sessions", sanctioned meetings to prepare me for the realities of a life in professional ministry. we were in the middle of one of those spirituality sessions at a little ice cream shop on east washington street discussing my upcoming vacation for my brother and sister-in-law's wedding when she asked me, "do you think your brother is going to hell?" it wasn't completely out of the blue but it wasn't entirely expected either. she took me quite by surprise.
i stumbled over an answer. i knew in my heart that i wanted to say "no", but how could i explain that against the plain and simple gospel that i had grown up on? through college i had studied the writings of augustine and tillich, aquinas and barth, wesley and bonhoeffer, bultmann and merton, and let's not forget not one but two niebuhrs. didn't every one agree that in order to get into heaven we must believe in Jesus Christ as Lord ans Savior? didn't every one agree that without Christ, there was no heaven? didn't every one agree that if not heaven, then hell?
didn't they?
or didn't they...
boldly, i replied "no", not knowing what her reaction would be. without a twitch, she continued eating her ice cream and said, "me neither" as if we were agreeing about the state of the weather and not about the future of my one and only brother's very soul.
such a simple moment, but a page-turner for the development of my own personal faith. throughout my 10 years spent in deep theological academic spiritual study i have believed a lot of different things about God, all that we call "creation", and the relationship between the two. i've gone back and forth on the existence of heaven and of hell. i've believed that conservatives have it right and i've believed that only the liberals know the truth. i've begged for both thick books of denominational doctrine and simple three word mission statements. i have prayed to God the Creator, Abba Father, Master Artist, Mother, Great Deity, Ultimate Love, and the Answer. i think the ebb and flow is only natural for the amount of religious study that has consumed my life.
when trevor said that he would visit a church if i built it, it made me wonder...have i watered down the Gospel to the point that anyone can ascribe to it? or have i dug through enough of the man-made gospel and have finally found the God-given truth? knowing my audience, i know some of you will fall on either side of that question.
i choose not to fall, though. i choose to live in the question. (and that's different from sitting on the fence, for those of you already pointing fingers and quoting scripture at me.) and i know that there are a lot of christians out there who choose to embrace the gray areas of faith along with me. i'm not alone in my belief, but outsiders of the church (and yes, i will call them that. not because i am the norm and they are the "other", but because the church has kept them outside, sometimes even purposely.), outsiders of the church only hear what either far side of the widely varied christian spectrum have to say. they only hear the extremists, most of whom many of us would revoke their christian membership card if we could. (that's a whole different discussion right there.) no wonder they want nothing to do with our God... how do the 80% of us who don't protest military burials or burn piles of religious books speak up? how do we share our understanding of faith?
the bottom line is that my spiritual mentor many years ago in lewisburg, wv spoke a truth i still believe when she said, "i think God gets us all in the end, one way or another" because i believe that God had us all before we were even conceived. i believe in a God that is in every bit of creation including each of us. God gets us all in the end, one way or another, because God had us in the beginning and never let us go. loving others is not just about sharing your faith, it's about unifying the one God within us and around us.
a few things i know i believe:
1. God is neither male nor female. God is greater than any human explanation.
2. God's ways are bigger than my human brain can comprehend.
3. God never gives up on us. never.
4. Jesus is the Master Teacher of how to live a perfectly faithful life.
5. The Holy Spirit is the source of creativity and the inspiration for love.
6. the bottom line is not heaven or hell - it's Love.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
waiting
pete has a wretched rash on his belly and legs. i noticed it a couple nights ago and did what any sane, rational person would do - i googled it. the first website that popped up on the search told me that it was cancer. it was a message board where someone had described exactly what i saw on pete and asked what people thought it was. the first response read (no lie), "it's cancer. get him to a vet immediately!" i knew better than to begin worrying that pete had cancer, but i couldn't help but laugh a little at the absurdity that someone would perpetuate such fear.
my internet diagnosis attempt ended there. the next morning i made an appointment with the vet and took pete in that afternoon. it's merely a common skin irritation, most likely caused by an allergic reaction or the extreme heat we've been experiencing here in the carolinas. we were sent home with steroids, antibiotics, and a medicated shampoo.
i am so lucky that pete is a behaved bather. from day one he has loved getting his weekly bath. well, last night he wasn't quite so happy. i doused him with this medicated shampoo (which didn't suds up, so i'm sure i used entirely too much) and then made him sit in the bath for a long 15 minutes before rinsing him clean, just as the instructions indicated.
15 minutes to get through airport security is a breeze. 15 minutes for a dog soaking wet sitting in a bathtub is a lifetime.
he sat quietly for the first couple minutes, but then he got antsy. he looked at me with eyes begging for a release, but i came prepared for war. i pulled out a brand new rawhide bone and held it in the tub while he gnawed and wagged his tail. at 14 minutes he had grown tired of the bone and pushed to get out. he was struggling free, but i pushed back, holding him in the tub, determined that we would make it the full 15 minutes. at 14.45 he tried the sneak attack to escape, but i outsmarted him. i started the water again, rinsed him clean, dried him off, and set him free. he grabbed the rawhide and ran through the house, happy as a clam. you would have never known that i had just put him through hell.
waiting is no fun.
waiting for...
dinner to come out of the oven
a phone call from a potential employer
tickets for your favorite band to go on sale
your professor to post your final grade
the addiction to subside
miraculous healing of body or soul
the test to reveal a pregnancy
real honest unconditional love
i've heard it all the past few days. so many friends and students seem to be waiting for something and all will agree that it's not easy. it's hard to be patient while you're waiting for the next chapter of your life to unfold.
as tom petty sings, "the waiting is the hardest part".
but you know what makes waiting a little more bearable? good friends who will entertain you, support you, and yes, even restrain you in your time of waiting. friends who will outsmart you when you try to cheat and keep your feet planted when everything inside you is convincing you to run away.
this time, waiting for whatever it is - it is a gift. and we can choose to pout. or run. or give up. or we can choose to embrace the wait as part of the journey and accept the love and support of friends who help us get through til dinner is ready, the phone call comes through, healing occurs, motherhood begins, love sweeps us off our feet.
we are not defined by what we wait for, but in how we handle the journey to get there.
my internet diagnosis attempt ended there. the next morning i made an appointment with the vet and took pete in that afternoon. it's merely a common skin irritation, most likely caused by an allergic reaction or the extreme heat we've been experiencing here in the carolinas. we were sent home with steroids, antibiotics, and a medicated shampoo.
i am so lucky that pete is a behaved bather. from day one he has loved getting his weekly bath. well, last night he wasn't quite so happy. i doused him with this medicated shampoo (which didn't suds up, so i'm sure i used entirely too much) and then made him sit in the bath for a long 15 minutes before rinsing him clean, just as the instructions indicated.
15 minutes to get through airport security is a breeze. 15 minutes for a dog soaking wet sitting in a bathtub is a lifetime.he sat quietly for the first couple minutes, but then he got antsy. he looked at me with eyes begging for a release, but i came prepared for war. i pulled out a brand new rawhide bone and held it in the tub while he gnawed and wagged his tail. at 14 minutes he had grown tired of the bone and pushed to get out. he was struggling free, but i pushed back, holding him in the tub, determined that we would make it the full 15 minutes. at 14.45 he tried the sneak attack to escape, but i outsmarted him. i started the water again, rinsed him clean, dried him off, and set him free. he grabbed the rawhide and ran through the house, happy as a clam. you would have never known that i had just put him through hell.
waiting is no fun.
waiting for...
dinner to come out of the oven
a phone call from a potential employer
tickets for your favorite band to go on sale
your professor to post your final grade
the addiction to subside
miraculous healing of body or soul
the test to reveal a pregnancy
real honest unconditional love
i've heard it all the past few days. so many friends and students seem to be waiting for something and all will agree that it's not easy. it's hard to be patient while you're waiting for the next chapter of your life to unfold.
as tom petty sings, "the waiting is the hardest part".
but you know what makes waiting a little more bearable? good friends who will entertain you, support you, and yes, even restrain you in your time of waiting. friends who will outsmart you when you try to cheat and keep your feet planted when everything inside you is convincing you to run away.
this time, waiting for whatever it is - it is a gift. and we can choose to pout. or run. or give up. or we can choose to embrace the wait as part of the journey and accept the love and support of friends who help us get through til dinner is ready, the phone call comes through, healing occurs, motherhood begins, love sweeps us off our feet.
we are not defined by what we wait for, but in how we handle the journey to get there.
Friday, July 2, 2010
grandpa died
i had just arrived in wilmington. we stood at the glass door, watching pete, omen, and bodhi introduce themselves.
"are you pete's mommy?" zedica asked.
"yes. i am pete's mommy." i replied.
"who are his grandma and grandpa?"
"the same as yours - grandma sue and grandpa tom."
"who are his great grandma and great grandpa?"
"well, the same as yours - grandma marilyn."
zedica paused for a moment, then said
"grandpa tater died."
with the tender certainty only a three year old can muster.
my eyes filled with tears as we stared out that glass door together. one drip of heartache rolled down my cheek before i composed myself enough to change the subject.
i haven't really been able to say those words yet. i've mentioned "his passing" and i've said that i "miss him", but to say "grandpa died", well that takes more strength that i have to give just yet. i haven't been able to change my address book in my cell phone either. it still reads "grandma and gramps". deleting the word feels too much like deleting him.
we're not just mourning a grandfather. it's so much more than just a person that was. it's about the future that will never be. it's knowing that grandpa will never teach zedica to fish. that he'll never teach her to pick out a proper paint brush or sand down a freshly cut piece of wood. he'll never teach her to sing "don't worry, be happy" while driving around in his old buick. he'll never draw her cartoons to tell her that he misses her while he's vacationing the winter in florida and she'll never get grossed out when he puts velveeta cheese on his chocolate donut.
we all have to live with the "never"s and the "never again"s, i guess. i will never dance with him to harry belafonte's 'turn around' at my wedding like i've had planned since i was much younger. the last time we danced together was at trevor and nicole's wedding. i wish someone had taken a picture so i could remember that moment forever...
selfishly, i'm jealous of zedica though. because at least she knew him. at least he got to hold her. at least he got to hear her tell him that she loves him. at least there are pictures of them together that she can look at when she's older. my children will never have that...
grandpa died. ...there i said it.
i miss him...
"are you pete's mommy?" zedica asked.
"yes. i am pete's mommy." i replied.
"who are his grandma and grandpa?"
"the same as yours - grandma sue and grandpa tom."
"who are his great grandma and great grandpa?"
"well, the same as yours - grandma marilyn."
zedica paused for a moment, then said
"grandpa tater died."
with the tender certainty only a three year old can muster.
my eyes filled with tears as we stared out that glass door together. one drip of heartache rolled down my cheek before i composed myself enough to change the subject.
i haven't really been able to say those words yet. i've mentioned "his passing" and i've said that i "miss him", but to say "grandpa died", well that takes more strength that i have to give just yet. i haven't been able to change my address book in my cell phone either. it still reads "grandma and gramps". deleting the word feels too much like deleting him.
we're not just mourning a grandfather. it's so much more than just a person that was. it's about the future that will never be. it's knowing that grandpa will never teach zedica to fish. that he'll never teach her to pick out a proper paint brush or sand down a freshly cut piece of wood. he'll never teach her to sing "don't worry, be happy" while driving around in his old buick. he'll never draw her cartoons to tell her that he misses her while he's vacationing the winter in florida and she'll never get grossed out when he puts velveeta cheese on his chocolate donut.
we all have to live with the "never"s and the "never again"s, i guess. i will never dance with him to harry belafonte's 'turn around' at my wedding like i've had planned since i was much younger. the last time we danced together was at trevor and nicole's wedding. i wish someone had taken a picture so i could remember that moment forever...
selfishly, i'm jealous of zedica though. because at least she knew him. at least he got to hold her. at least he got to hear her tell him that she loves him. at least there are pictures of them together that she can look at when she's older. my children will never have that...
grandpa died. ...there i said it.
i miss him...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
the discount bin at manifest disc
"where's the discount christian music? the 25 cent bin?" he practically yelled across the store. i couldn't help but cringe a little. a slight cringe quickly followed by overwhleming guilt.
i was embarrassed. for so many years i've turned my nose to typically christian artists. a student came to my office the other day to show me a website with the 5 worst worship songs and i laughed with absolute pride, knowing that i too hated all of the songs listed.
side bar: it's okay to hate a worship song. a song in and of itself is not worship. it is the hearts who sing it and the spirit it inspires that makes it worshipful. so, it is perfectly okay to hate a worship song. for example, awesome God sends a sharp pain down my spine and sends me into near convulsions every time i hear it. it quite possibly could be the number one worst song i have ever known. for others, it is truly awesome. for me, it conjures up memories of my teenage years, and a crazy man running up and down the aisles of youth annual conference while we sang the chorus eight million times. the song isn't that great to begin with, but sing it eight million times while thousands of teenagers roll their eyes? terrible.
the christian music i listen to is of the non-christian variety. i'm talking about the christian radio rejects like derek webb, over the rhine, or sean mcconnell - the type you never hear on the radio because their band names aren't scriptural references and their songs aren't entitled "Jesus is my boyfriend" or anything ridiculously shallow like that. instead, they write about hypocrisy and injustice and *gasp* even write about drinking or doubting or depression or sex. themes of hope and love and, yes, even faith in Jesus Christ are found in the underlying meanings as you read between the rugged lines of their poignant poetry.
so to hear rich yell "christian music" to explain what i was looking for, well, that was tough.
then to hear "25 cent bin" only worsened the pain. not only was i looking for christian music, but apparently i was looking for the really crappy stuff that no one else wanted. i cringed.
have you ever cringed over faith?
i have. many times. i'm embarassed every time i see fred phelps on the news. i'm ashamed that other people may think we share the same faith because we both call it "christianity". i'm embarassed every time i hear churches justify their exclusivity (race, political agenda, gender in preaching, sexual orientation, etc.) with scripture. i'm ashamed that the very people they exclude will think that they mean less to the Creator. i'm embarassed when i hear preachers like joel osteen teach prosperity theology. i'm ashamed that christians would be more concerned about their own lives being blessed than advocating justice for the the millions of people who are physically starving in the world. ...i've cringed a lot over the years.
not to compare christian music with westboro baptist church, but it has been one of those questionable areas under the umbrella of christianity with which i'd rather not be associated.
well, for better or worse, i followed rich to the discount bin and he pulled out my so-called crappy christian cd.
jon foreman. double disk. fall/winter. $1.00 (not quite a quarter sale, but close enough.
i've listened to the cd every day since i left that store. i can't put it down.
tonight at 3am, i find myself praying the lyrics to God as i fall to sleep.
"you remember me before i learned to run.
...i am still running.
build me a home inside your scars
build me a home inside your song
build me a home inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong"
~jon foreman 'i am still running'
i was embarrassed. for so many years i've turned my nose to typically christian artists. a student came to my office the other day to show me a website with the 5 worst worship songs and i laughed with absolute pride, knowing that i too hated all of the songs listed.
side bar: it's okay to hate a worship song. a song in and of itself is not worship. it is the hearts who sing it and the spirit it inspires that makes it worshipful. so, it is perfectly okay to hate a worship song. for example, awesome God sends a sharp pain down my spine and sends me into near convulsions every time i hear it. it quite possibly could be the number one worst song i have ever known. for others, it is truly awesome. for me, it conjures up memories of my teenage years, and a crazy man running up and down the aisles of youth annual conference while we sang the chorus eight million times. the song isn't that great to begin with, but sing it eight million times while thousands of teenagers roll their eyes? terrible.
the christian music i listen to is of the non-christian variety. i'm talking about the christian radio rejects like derek webb, over the rhine, or sean mcconnell - the type you never hear on the radio because their band names aren't scriptural references and their songs aren't entitled "Jesus is my boyfriend" or anything ridiculously shallow like that. instead, they write about hypocrisy and injustice and *gasp* even write about drinking or doubting or depression or sex. themes of hope and love and, yes, even faith in Jesus Christ are found in the underlying meanings as you read between the rugged lines of their poignant poetry.
so to hear rich yell "christian music" to explain what i was looking for, well, that was tough.
then to hear "25 cent bin" only worsened the pain. not only was i looking for christian music, but apparently i was looking for the really crappy stuff that no one else wanted. i cringed.
have you ever cringed over faith?
i have. many times. i'm embarassed every time i see fred phelps on the news. i'm ashamed that other people may think we share the same faith because we both call it "christianity". i'm embarassed every time i hear churches justify their exclusivity (race, political agenda, gender in preaching, sexual orientation, etc.) with scripture. i'm ashamed that the very people they exclude will think that they mean less to the Creator. i'm embarassed when i hear preachers like joel osteen teach prosperity theology. i'm ashamed that christians would be more concerned about their own lives being blessed than advocating justice for the the millions of people who are physically starving in the world. ...i've cringed a lot over the years.
not to compare christian music with westboro baptist church, but it has been one of those questionable areas under the umbrella of christianity with which i'd rather not be associated.
well, for better or worse, i followed rich to the discount bin and he pulled out my so-called crappy christian cd.
jon foreman. double disk. fall/winter. $1.00 (not quite a quarter sale, but close enough.
i've listened to the cd every day since i left that store. i can't put it down.
tonight at 3am, i find myself praying the lyrics to God as i fall to sleep.
"you remember me before i learned to run.
...i am still running.
build me a home inside your scars
build me a home inside your song
build me a home inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong"
~jon foreman 'i am still running'
Thursday, June 17, 2010
fireflies
fireflies ushered me home tonight as i drove the usually dreary US-52. these tiny lights of summer flashed spontaneously around my car as i approached my driveway and i couldn't help but smile.
summer has finally arrived :)
fireflies are the ultimate sign of summer. since i was a little girl, the sight of these luminescent bugs in the nighttime sky meant that summer had commenced, which translated in my child mind to school-less days and flashlight tag filled nights.
today, at twenty-six, not much has changed. a smile still creeps across my face at the sight of such wonder. fireflies are still just as much a mystery to me now as they were when i was a child. did the Creator pinch a piece of stardust and implant it into these bugs? or is it sunlight? or liquefied bliss?
i'm sure science could give me a reason for these lighted bugs, but i prefer childlike imagination.
two of my favorite students were married this morning. it was on my first pfeiffer fall break mission trip that their love began and it was my honor to be part of their day today. sarah walked down the aisle to the peanuts theme song, and they left the ceremony with "you've got a friend in me". they share a deeply spiritual love for one another, but they aren't afraid to keep the silly child inside alive and vibrant. with music from peanuts, up, and toy story as music in the ceremony and including ultimate frisbee as part of the reception activities we couldn't help but get swept away with the beauty of their love story.
when was the last time you let the child inside of you out for the world to see?
when was the last time you skipped down the sidewalk?
made a mud pie?
played on a swing set?
ran through a field?
built a fort in the middle of your living room?
played flashlight tag with your neighbor friends?
laughed til you cried?
smiled so big that it hurt?
don't be afraid to be a bit childish sometimes. it is so good for your soul...
tonight when i pulled up to my house, i got out and chased fireflies across my yard for ten whole minutes. i'm sure that if my neighbors saw me, they thought i was crazy but i don't mind because the fireflies and i, well, we were having a blast!
summer has finally arrived :)
fireflies are the ultimate sign of summer. since i was a little girl, the sight of these luminescent bugs in the nighttime sky meant that summer had commenced, which translated in my child mind to school-less days and flashlight tag filled nights.
today, at twenty-six, not much has changed. a smile still creeps across my face at the sight of such wonder. fireflies are still just as much a mystery to me now as they were when i was a child. did the Creator pinch a piece of stardust and implant it into these bugs? or is it sunlight? or liquefied bliss?
i'm sure science could give me a reason for these lighted bugs, but i prefer childlike imagination.
two of my favorite students were married this morning. it was on my first pfeiffer fall break mission trip that their love began and it was my honor to be part of their day today. sarah walked down the aisle to the peanuts theme song, and they left the ceremony with "you've got a friend in me". they share a deeply spiritual love for one another, but they aren't afraid to keep the silly child inside alive and vibrant. with music from peanuts, up, and toy story as music in the ceremony and including ultimate frisbee as part of the reception activities we couldn't help but get swept away with the beauty of their love story.
when was the last time you let the child inside of you out for the world to see?
when was the last time you skipped down the sidewalk?
made a mud pie?
played on a swing set?
ran through a field?
built a fort in the middle of your living room?
played flashlight tag with your neighbor friends?
laughed til you cried?
smiled so big that it hurt?
don't be afraid to be a bit childish sometimes. it is so good for your soul...
tonight when i pulled up to my house, i got out and chased fireflies across my yard for ten whole minutes. i'm sure that if my neighbors saw me, they thought i was crazy but i don't mind because the fireflies and i, well, we were having a blast!
Monday, June 7, 2010
life happens when you're not looking
today i got stung on the very tip of my finger by an imaginary bee. i say imaginary because i never saw it. all of a sudden, my finger just began to burn with paralyzing intensity. i headed straight to the freezer and pulled out an ice pack. i stood there wincing in pain as i iced my finger, only pulling it away periodically to see if the stinger had worked its way out yet. eventually it did, and the swelling came down and the burning ceased, but it got me thinking...
how is it that a little bee sting can send me over the edge with pain, but the gallbladder attacks never phased me? it was months before i finally saw a doctor and found out that i needed emergency surgery to remove it. how is that my finger bothered me more than the cartwheels i did on the beach with a broken collarbone? i went on a mission trip for a whole week after my car accident before seeing a doctor and realizing that my clavicle had broken in half.
it's ironic that the imaginary bee got me as i was fearfully brushing away a spider web on my porch. i stared at the spider with such intention, scared to death that it would get to me before i got the web cleared from my pathway. that spider didn't get me, but something else did. it's like i was having a staring competition with that spider and she sent in the bee as a pinch hitter.
it happens all the time. we focus so intently on the thing we fear that we are unaware of other surrounding dangers, as if we're playing chicken with a car in oncoming traffic, but miss the semi that t-bones you from the right.
my grandma has been receiving a lot of phone calls since grandpa passed away a couple months ago. they ask for "alfred" and she defiantly responds with, "he's not available right now, can i take a message?". when i was in ohio she received one of these disturbing calls and the caller id read "kingston". i did a reverse search with the phone number, and sure enough it was from kingston, jamaica. dad called the number back, but couldn't get anyone on the other end to speak sensibly.
grandma called her credit card company this morning as a result of a phone call when someone knew the last 4 digits of her card number and found out that someone had made fraudulent charges on her card. those charges were made in jamaica. absolute craziness.
because of all of the stress she's felt with all of the phone calls and credit card business, she forgot to make her weekly call on sunday to her cousin doris, who has been in the hospital for several weeks. after everything was dealt with about the charges, she dialed the hospital. the nurse on the other end of the line politely told her that doris was not longer at the hospital. grandma explained that she was a relative and asked where she had gone. "...she passed away on wednesday."
it's that imaginary bee stinging my finger,
that semi truck slamming into the side of your car.
"life happens when you're not looking."
that's what they say...
how is it that a little bee sting can send me over the edge with pain, but the gallbladder attacks never phased me? it was months before i finally saw a doctor and found out that i needed emergency surgery to remove it. how is that my finger bothered me more than the cartwheels i did on the beach with a broken collarbone? i went on a mission trip for a whole week after my car accident before seeing a doctor and realizing that my clavicle had broken in half.
it's ironic that the imaginary bee got me as i was fearfully brushing away a spider web on my porch. i stared at the spider with such intention, scared to death that it would get to me before i got the web cleared from my pathway. that spider didn't get me, but something else did. it's like i was having a staring competition with that spider and she sent in the bee as a pinch hitter.
it happens all the time. we focus so intently on the thing we fear that we are unaware of other surrounding dangers, as if we're playing chicken with a car in oncoming traffic, but miss the semi that t-bones you from the right.
my grandma has been receiving a lot of phone calls since grandpa passed away a couple months ago. they ask for "alfred" and she defiantly responds with, "he's not available right now, can i take a message?". when i was in ohio she received one of these disturbing calls and the caller id read "kingston". i did a reverse search with the phone number, and sure enough it was from kingston, jamaica. dad called the number back, but couldn't get anyone on the other end to speak sensibly.
grandma called her credit card company this morning as a result of a phone call when someone knew the last 4 digits of her card number and found out that someone had made fraudulent charges on her card. those charges were made in jamaica. absolute craziness.
because of all of the stress she's felt with all of the phone calls and credit card business, she forgot to make her weekly call on sunday to her cousin doris, who has been in the hospital for several weeks. after everything was dealt with about the charges, she dialed the hospital. the nurse on the other end of the line politely told her that doris was not longer at the hospital. grandma explained that she was a relative and asked where she had gone. "...she passed away on wednesday."
it's that imaginary bee stinging my finger,
that semi truck slamming into the side of your car.
"life happens when you're not looking."
that's what they say...
Friday, June 4, 2010
every breath is a second chance
i was talking with a friend the other day when she looked at me and said, "i don't want to be the hook-up girl anymore" and laughed. it was the sort of laugh that is birthed from insecurity. we've all done it - said something in jest that held more truth than we were willing to admit. knowing this wasn't the time nor the place to dive into a deep discussion about the reasons we do the things we do and who she was created to be, i laughed along and moved the conversation in another direction.
tonight, though, i'd like to revisit the topic. someone once told me "you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh." it was advice given for a rather shallow fraction of my life, but it has become my mantra for so much more.
i was once in a pretty crappy relationship. well, calling it a relationship might be inaccurate. it lasted (on and off) for a couple of years. i didn't know that i deserved anything better, so i just kept going back. he wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't the right guy. i didn't like the person i became when i was with him. it was toxic. it was like an addiction. i knew it wasn't a healthy situation, and i was hurt and angry more often than i was happy. then one day i remembered...you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh.
so i didn't pick up the phone the next time he called. the next party i was invited to that he would be at, well i didn't go. i even went so far (looking back, maybe too far) as to all but cut our mutual friends out of my life. i decided that i deserved more and i walked away.
since we were little girls, we have been taught that if you get the prince to kiss you then your true life will begin. ever heard of snow white? prince kisses her and she wakes up from a coma. cinderella? prince kisses her and the next thing we know they're married and living happily ever after. it's been ingrained into our very beings that the goal is to get the guy to kiss you. so my friend isn't too far off, right?
but i believe that we were created to be in communion with each other, not just relationship. relationship is just another word for a connection or association. but to be in communion with another person, well that's something quite a bit deeper. to be in communion means to share. you don't just know the other person, but you share with them your thoughts, your feelings, your bread, your wine, your heart, your mind, the very soul of your life. and i think deep down we all crave not a relationship with another person, not a fleeting kiss or a weekend romance, but communion. we crave communion because that's how we were built to live. we settle for less because we forget that we deserve so much more.
it hasn't always been easy. i still run into the guy i spoke of earlier from time to time and he's still just as charming as he ever was. the thing is...you don't turn away from your old life one day and never look back. you change your life with every decision you make, every moment, and sometimes you have to keep making the same decision to want more for your life over and over again to keep your life on the right track.
this song by julie miller has been running through my head for the past couple days and it seems appropriate for tonight:
You can have my heart
though it isn't new
it's been used and broken
and it only comes in blue
it's been down a long road
and it got dirty along the way
if i give it to You will You make it clean
and wash the shame away
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
if You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make things old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
so beyond repair
nothing i could do
tried to fix it myself
but it was only worse when i got through
but then You walked right into my darkness
and You speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child
til my frozen tears fall at Your feet
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
in You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
~broken things, julie miller
tonight, though, i'd like to revisit the topic. someone once told me "you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh." it was advice given for a rather shallow fraction of my life, but it has become my mantra for so much more.
i was once in a pretty crappy relationship. well, calling it a relationship might be inaccurate. it lasted (on and off) for a couple of years. i didn't know that i deserved anything better, so i just kept going back. he wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't the right guy. i didn't like the person i became when i was with him. it was toxic. it was like an addiction. i knew it wasn't a healthy situation, and i was hurt and angry more often than i was happy. then one day i remembered...you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh.
so i didn't pick up the phone the next time he called. the next party i was invited to that he would be at, well i didn't go. i even went so far (looking back, maybe too far) as to all but cut our mutual friends out of my life. i decided that i deserved more and i walked away.
since we were little girls, we have been taught that if you get the prince to kiss you then your true life will begin. ever heard of snow white? prince kisses her and she wakes up from a coma. cinderella? prince kisses her and the next thing we know they're married and living happily ever after. it's been ingrained into our very beings that the goal is to get the guy to kiss you. so my friend isn't too far off, right?
but i believe that we were created to be in communion with each other, not just relationship. relationship is just another word for a connection or association. but to be in communion with another person, well that's something quite a bit deeper. to be in communion means to share. you don't just know the other person, but you share with them your thoughts, your feelings, your bread, your wine, your heart, your mind, the very soul of your life. and i think deep down we all crave not a relationship with another person, not a fleeting kiss or a weekend romance, but communion. we crave communion because that's how we were built to live. we settle for less because we forget that we deserve so much more.
it hasn't always been easy. i still run into the guy i spoke of earlier from time to time and he's still just as charming as he ever was. the thing is...you don't turn away from your old life one day and never look back. you change your life with every decision you make, every moment, and sometimes you have to keep making the same decision to want more for your life over and over again to keep your life on the right track.
this song by julie miller has been running through my head for the past couple days and it seems appropriate for tonight:
You can have my heart
though it isn't new
it's been used and broken
and it only comes in blue
it's been down a long road
and it got dirty along the way
if i give it to You will You make it clean
and wash the shame away
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
if You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make things old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
so beyond repair
nothing i could do
tried to fix it myself
but it was only worse when i got through
but then You walked right into my darkness
and You speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child
til my frozen tears fall at Your feet
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
in You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
~broken things, julie miller
summer concert series 2010 kick-off
"when you're lost and you're found
and you're found then you're lost
when you're dancing with no one around
you're coming home to Me
just remember...you're coming home to Me.
when you get there you'll know
that's as far as you go
when you get there you'll see
you were already free"
~coming home to me, patty griffin
i didn't realize how little my friends knew about patty griffin until she came to charlotte and rich was the only one excited to go to the concert with me. (i can't expect everyone can be as music-minded as heather and rich, haha)
patty has been a favorite of mine for some time, but it seems like some of you just don't know her music. or maybe you do... kelly clarkson, dixie chicks, jessica simpson, emmylou harris, bette midler, the wreckers, brandon heath, joan osborne, miranda lambert, reba mcentire, martina mcbride, and heck, even susan boyle are among those who have recorded her songs. or maybe you heard her singing along with dierks bentley, joshua radin, buddy & julie miller, shawn colvin, willie nelson, or elis paul on their albums.
well, tuesday evening i had the pleasure of finally going to see her in concert. below is a video from another person at the concert - you can get a taste of what we saw.
you know patty griffin's music has power when it completely steals my attention from the distractions of the funky facial expressions of her little drummer boy and the subtle sexiness of the piano man in her band. sure, sitting in the direct middle of the fifth row, so close to one of your musical idols, well that doesn't hurt either. but the way she sings with her whole being is intoxicating. (be sure to download her song "coming home to me" and search for her and buddy singing "gasoline and matches" - my two favorite moments of the night.)
carole king the other night was the same way. she may be nearing 70 years old, but i tell you, that woman can still rock it all night long. and there were these tender moments when she would look up from the piano and smile so sweetly at her dear friend as he played the guitar smiling back. every time james taylor smiled back at her marisa and i would audibly "awww" with the rest of the crowd. it was like two dear friends invited us into their living room that night to play some music just for us.
both nights - patty and buddy miller on tuesday and carole and james on wednesday - were absolutely incredible. it will take me weeks to process all that bubbled up in my soul. the concerts were worth every penny.
so what makes a concert worthwhile? for me, it's not just about good music - intonation, harmonization, tempo, etc. it's about soul. it's about sending a message. it's about sharing who you are and what you believe about life. it's about telling a story.
each of the four artists over those two nights of music aren't just songwriters, they're storytellers. (remember that show on vh1, storytellers? i loved that show. do they still have that? i don't have cable, so i wouldn't know.) they're not selling a concert, they're promoting an experience. they interact with their audience not to sell albums, but to welcome others into their story.
a good concert in my opinion is one where the artist shares some stories about their life and their music. you can feel their appreciation for their fans and you can see the gratitude they have for their band. most importantly, i want to hear something musically that i can't hear on your record. if i come to your show and you play your music exactly as it is on the record then i'll be extremely disappointed. i love stories and i love a good jam session. (although some take it a bit too far, i.e. dave matthews, and i get bored.)
carole king and james taylor gave us two encores. the first was my favorite song of theirs. carole wrote the song, but both recorded it and it always reminds me of 12 marion street. i loved the song before living there, but it sort of became an anthem during that time. i miss that roof...
as you can see, summer concert series 2010 is well under way at this point. friday night we added rich and his usual gig at the wine vault to the list. as marisa said, we like to mix it up with big names and local talent alike! next up: jack johnson and g love? barenaked ladies? we'll see. definite shows in the series this summer include lilith faith, brad paisley, and darius rucker (of course). this is going to be a great summer :)
and you're found then you're lost
when you're dancing with no one around
you're coming home to Me
just remember...you're coming home to Me.
when you get there you'll know
that's as far as you go
when you get there you'll see
you were already free"
~coming home to me, patty griffin
i didn't realize how little my friends knew about patty griffin until she came to charlotte and rich was the only one excited to go to the concert with me. (i can't expect everyone can be as music-minded as heather and rich, haha)
patty has been a favorite of mine for some time, but it seems like some of you just don't know her music. or maybe you do... kelly clarkson, dixie chicks, jessica simpson, emmylou harris, bette midler, the wreckers, brandon heath, joan osborne, miranda lambert, reba mcentire, martina mcbride, and heck, even susan boyle are among those who have recorded her songs. or maybe you heard her singing along with dierks bentley, joshua radin, buddy & julie miller, shawn colvin, willie nelson, or elis paul on their albums.
well, tuesday evening i had the pleasure of finally going to see her in concert. below is a video from another person at the concert - you can get a taste of what we saw.
you know patty griffin's music has power when it completely steals my attention from the distractions of the funky facial expressions of her little drummer boy and the subtle sexiness of the piano man in her band. sure, sitting in the direct middle of the fifth row, so close to one of your musical idols, well that doesn't hurt either. but the way she sings with her whole being is intoxicating. (be sure to download her song "coming home to me" and search for her and buddy singing "gasoline and matches" - my two favorite moments of the night.)
carole king the other night was the same way. she may be nearing 70 years old, but i tell you, that woman can still rock it all night long. and there were these tender moments when she would look up from the piano and smile so sweetly at her dear friend as he played the guitar smiling back. every time james taylor smiled back at her marisa and i would audibly "awww" with the rest of the crowd. it was like two dear friends invited us into their living room that night to play some music just for us.
both nights - patty and buddy miller on tuesday and carole and james on wednesday - were absolutely incredible. it will take me weeks to process all that bubbled up in my soul. the concerts were worth every penny.
so what makes a concert worthwhile? for me, it's not just about good music - intonation, harmonization, tempo, etc. it's about soul. it's about sending a message. it's about sharing who you are and what you believe about life. it's about telling a story.
each of the four artists over those two nights of music aren't just songwriters, they're storytellers. (remember that show on vh1, storytellers? i loved that show. do they still have that? i don't have cable, so i wouldn't know.) they're not selling a concert, they're promoting an experience. they interact with their audience not to sell albums, but to welcome others into their story.
a good concert in my opinion is one where the artist shares some stories about their life and their music. you can feel their appreciation for their fans and you can see the gratitude they have for their band. most importantly, i want to hear something musically that i can't hear on your record. if i come to your show and you play your music exactly as it is on the record then i'll be extremely disappointed. i love stories and i love a good jam session. (although some take it a bit too far, i.e. dave matthews, and i get bored.)
carole king and james taylor gave us two encores. the first was my favorite song of theirs. carole wrote the song, but both recorded it and it always reminds me of 12 marion street. i loved the song before living there, but it sort of became an anthem during that time. i miss that roof...
as you can see, summer concert series 2010 is well under way at this point. friday night we added rich and his usual gig at the wine vault to the list. as marisa said, we like to mix it up with big names and local talent alike! next up: jack johnson and g love? barenaked ladies? we'll see. definite shows in the series this summer include lilith faith, brad paisley, and darius rucker (of course). this is going to be a great summer :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
65 years
65 years. that's what anniversary grandma and gramps would have celebrated this past saturday. 65 years of being madly in love with each other and i can't even imagine being in a relationship past a few short months without feeling the need to be on my own again and ending it.judging by my calculations on my current age and relationship status, as well as the average lifespan these days, it is impossible that i will ever celebrate a 65th wedding anniversary. i guess grandma and gramps didn't quite make it either, but i've been thinking about all of the reasons that their love will always be the ruler my relationships are measured up against:
1. nicknames. i hate mushy nicknames, but theirs were funny - tater and twerp.
2. vacations. grandma has dozens of albums filled with photos from all of their vacations. they were always traveling together with their friends and the photos prove that they always had a good time.
3. hobbies. grandma loves to shop and she loves to sew. gramps loved carpentry, painting, and fishing. gramps would draw patterns for her sewing and she would pack lunches for his fishing. they always supported each others passions.
4. food. nothing beat a good meal as a family.
5. friends. they had a great group of friends surrounding them with love and support both as individuals and as a couple.
6. humor. gramps didn't say much, especially as he grew older, but he would always surprise you with a one liner and a smirk. and grandma's laugh, oh it is contagious! she laughs with her whole body. she stiffens up, her face smushes together and she silently laughs hysterically. it's a sight to be seen for sure.
7. care. grandma always made sure that he was comfortable, and gramps took care of her like the queen that he believed her to be.
8. love. even in their 80s, you could catch glimpses of that high school crush when they looked at each other. i truly believe that they fell more and more in love with each other every single day.
i want a love like that.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
i came back to ohio but my city was gone
"how could you ever give all of this up and move away?" he said so seriously.
i called west virginia home for four years of my life before moving to charlotte. charlotte was exciting. it was fresh-faced and fast-paced. i had a new apartment, new job, new restaurants, new shopping, new friends. i had a new life.
initially, i left ohio for college. i wanted to study christian education and wvwc was my best option. i was happy to leave. i had no reservations about packing up and getting out of this boring state i had lived in my entire life. i wanted something new. i wanted an adventure.
now that nothing in north carolina seems new anymore and i've just spent an incredible three days with friends and family who would love to see me move back here to ohio, i too pose the question, "why did i give all of this up and move away?"
tara and scott once said to me, "you're the one who got away." i didn't just get away. i fled the scene. i wanted something new and exciting. something anything but ohio.
the pretenders have a great song about the deterioration of ohio called 'my city was gone'. the lyric perfectly describes a few of the reasons i was so ready to leave as well as the reasons i am hesitant to return for good. i loved west virginia and the beautiful land there, while ohio seems to keep building shopping malls and paving parking lots where beauty once grew. i have very fond memories of growing up with faithful friends whom i love to visit, but i've always wondered if we'd have as much fun together if i were here more permanently. the biggest reason i resist returning though, is that i fear it will be the final destination for me.
ohio sucks people in and they never leave. there are so many places in this country where i've dreamt of living and i know that if i don't fit them in before moving back to ohio then the dream of living in denver or nashville or savannah or boston or new york is over. if i go back to ohio, i'll probably stay forever, and this commitment-phobe just isn't ready for that.
i ran as fast as i could to get out of ohio, and i'm glad i did but, while my city may very well be nearly gone, my state is not (sorry pretenders); and weekends like this make me homesick for the life that could be waiting for me here. spending time with chandra, derek, and the kids in the hocking hills (one of the most beautiful areas i have ever been to in my lifetime). catching the zombie walk in columbus with jacob. going to a clippers game with scott and tara. enjoying a cookout with garrick and mary. sleeping in, eating breakfast, and reading the paper with andrew. making smores over the backyard fire with brad. catching up with mike, ashley, and the fam. having lunch in amish country with grandma. watching tv on the couch with mom and dad. all of these things make my heart smile so big that it hurts.
but then the question becomes, how could i ever give up everything i have in north carolina? groupie evenings on the tour bus with marisa. wine vault performances by rich. cookouts with kara, monica, and jess. broadway talk with haley. broadway shows with jenny and sally. birthday dinners with the refugees. having kelly just down the highway a few hours. ikea outings with emily. going to the gym with becca. walking to work. office shenanigans with my amazing colleagues. tuesday and wednesday night tv with katy. my crazy students. the pfeiffer puppy pack. my home.
i guess this is a good problem to have, this being loved by and loving too many people in the world. who knows what the future holds. we'll just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
it's complicated
facebook status phenomenon: "i'm in a relationship and it's complicated."
really?
i see the status of friends and students change back and forth between "in a relationship", "single", and "it's complicated" so swiftly that i can't help but wonder, how do we define our relationships today?
is a relationship only a relationship if it's happy and carefree? are we single again when we're fighting? is it "complicated" when i'm upset because things don't go my way?
aren't all relationships complicated? i have a complicated relationship with my parents because sometimes they get me and sometimes they don't. i have a complicated relationship with my best friend because our individual neuroses sometimes confuse our communication. i have a complicated relationship with my hair because sometimes it wants to style the way i like it, but most of the time it rebels like the devil.
being in community with another human being is the beginning of complication in our lives. add a level of dependence and a notion for romance and the complication only rises. our relationships become complicated the moment we enter into them. ...a "you had me at hello" sort of thing.
so let's just go ahead and agree that all relationships are in fact complicated. then why carry that distinction on facebook? what's the point? and why do we distinguish certain types of difficulty in relationships as "complicated"?
i think we classify relationships as "complicated" when emotions and confusion are heightened. we say "it's complicated" when we don't feel like explaining that the distance is unbearable, or the addiction has resurfaced, or the heart has started to wander. we say "it's complicated" the same way we say "i'm good, and you?" as we cross paths with a coworker who asks how our day has been. we don't have the time or energy or desire to go into detail about how crappy of a day it has been and how you just wish you could go home and nap with your dog for the rest of the afternoon. we say, "it's complicated" because we've become lazy.
we don't care to divulge our dirty little secrets, and quite frankly it's no one else's business anyway. so why do we post it on facebook for the world to see? even today, in America the free, our status is somewhat defined by whether or not we have someone significant in our lives. whenever i go back to ohio, one of the first questions i always get is, "so hava, are you seeing anyone special?", which is gentle compared to the frankly rude, "why aren't you married yet?!" any woman who is single at a certain age is considered an old cat lady. any man who isn't dating a woman is gay. people fight daily over laws surrounding gay marriage. we Americans hold tightly to our idea of marriage. the cleaver family may not be the norm anymore, but it's still what society expects. fail to live up to that ideal, and you have failed at life.
maybe posting "it's complicated" is somewhat better than owning up to the shame of labeling yourself as "single". maybe posting "it's complicated" is a ploy to get friends to ask what's going on. maybe posting "it's complicated" is a declaration of the simple truth that every relationship is complicated - that every relationship needs the guidance of mentors, the love of friends, the support of family, and the promise from prayer to thrive.
the bottom line to making any relationship work is to treat it as such - work. love is a daily commitment. you have to try. you have to work at it. you have to devote yourself, your energy and your passion to making the relationship grow with each passing sunrise and sunset. that's love....
really?
i see the status of friends and students change back and forth between "in a relationship", "single", and "it's complicated" so swiftly that i can't help but wonder, how do we define our relationships today?
is a relationship only a relationship if it's happy and carefree? are we single again when we're fighting? is it "complicated" when i'm upset because things don't go my way?
aren't all relationships complicated? i have a complicated relationship with my parents because sometimes they get me and sometimes they don't. i have a complicated relationship with my best friend because our individual neuroses sometimes confuse our communication. i have a complicated relationship with my hair because sometimes it wants to style the way i like it, but most of the time it rebels like the devil.
being in community with another human being is the beginning of complication in our lives. add a level of dependence and a notion for romance and the complication only rises. our relationships become complicated the moment we enter into them. ...a "you had me at hello" sort of thing.
so let's just go ahead and agree that all relationships are in fact complicated. then why carry that distinction on facebook? what's the point? and why do we distinguish certain types of difficulty in relationships as "complicated"?
i think we classify relationships as "complicated" when emotions and confusion are heightened. we say "it's complicated" when we don't feel like explaining that the distance is unbearable, or the addiction has resurfaced, or the heart has started to wander. we say "it's complicated" the same way we say "i'm good, and you?" as we cross paths with a coworker who asks how our day has been. we don't have the time or energy or desire to go into detail about how crappy of a day it has been and how you just wish you could go home and nap with your dog for the rest of the afternoon. we say, "it's complicated" because we've become lazy.
we don't care to divulge our dirty little secrets, and quite frankly it's no one else's business anyway. so why do we post it on facebook for the world to see? even today, in America the free, our status is somewhat defined by whether or not we have someone significant in our lives. whenever i go back to ohio, one of the first questions i always get is, "so hava, are you seeing anyone special?", which is gentle compared to the frankly rude, "why aren't you married yet?!" any woman who is single at a certain age is considered an old cat lady. any man who isn't dating a woman is gay. people fight daily over laws surrounding gay marriage. we Americans hold tightly to our idea of marriage. the cleaver family may not be the norm anymore, but it's still what society expects. fail to live up to that ideal, and you have failed at life.
maybe posting "it's complicated" is somewhat better than owning up to the shame of labeling yourself as "single". maybe posting "it's complicated" is a ploy to get friends to ask what's going on. maybe posting "it's complicated" is a declaration of the simple truth that every relationship is complicated - that every relationship needs the guidance of mentors, the love of friends, the support of family, and the promise from prayer to thrive.
the bottom line to making any relationship work is to treat it as such - work. love is a daily commitment. you have to try. you have to work at it. you have to devote yourself, your energy and your passion to making the relationship grow with each passing sunrise and sunset. that's love....
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