you are not alone

"and you have your choicesand these are what make man greathis ladder to the stars
but you are not alone in this
as brothers we will stand
and we will hold your hand"

a lover of shakespeare and steinbeck, many of marcus mumford's lyrics allude to their stories.  timshel is no exception.  timshel is taken from the main theme of john steinbeck's east of eden.  it captures the idea of man's free will to choose.  to choose good from evil, right from wrong, excellence from mediocrity, something rather than nothing..

the last thing i did in north carolina was attend a mumford and sons concert with some of my favorite people.  we enjoyed fantastic musicianship and incredible artistry.  as they sang timshel i couldn't help but shed some tears.  and when my soul swelled with emotion, i took a friend's hand and prayed that the gesture would make up for the words i couldn't say.

i think i'm ready though, to tell her those words i couldn't find that overwhelming evening in asheville.

...you are not alone.  if i could find a way to say that enough that you would hear it, then i would say it one million times more than even that.  i know that life is hard right now.  i know it has been hard for a while.  i know that sometimes it feels like you are alone in this world but no matter how many miles away i may reside, i will always be there for you.  always.

believe in yourself.  you are so confident in so many facets of your life.  i only wish you would apply that strength to the concepts of love and trust.  in others.  ...in yourself.  you are intelligent, talented, witty, respected, classy, capable, attractive, lovable, worthy of being treasured and adored.  and should you begin to doubt any bit of that statement then give me a call and i will remind you that you are nothing less than truly lovely.

there is some debate over the exact definition of the hebrew word timshel.  does it mean "thou mayest"? does it mean "though shalt" or "thou must"?  is it a command or a choice?  well, i'm going to break the rules and say "both".

i think that living is both a command and a choice.  we live.  and if we are going to survive in this world, then we must live with intention.  if we are to live in this world, why not thrive?  why not be excellent?  that's where the choice lies...  we choose our purpose.  we choose whether we will be excellent or we will be ordinary.  because mediocrity, that's a choice too.

you, my dear friend, are meant for an extraordinary love affair with life.  
 "and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.when love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.get over your hill and see what you find there,with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."~ after the storm

new chapter development

the civil wars have been playing nonstop in my life for the past year.  i couldn't get enough of their sound and "poison and wine" is one of my favorites on the album.  there's something desperately haunting about their harmonies signing "i don't love you  ...but i always will."  like you can taste the delicate pain on the resounding chords..

i'm not one of those judgmental hipsters, but i do have a deep appreciation for authentic music from authentic musicians.  funny, then, that i should also really enjoy trashy teen television shows like gossip girl.  sometimes the mainstream melodramas can surprise you with philosophy that just sticks in your soul.

"there's a difference between a great love and the right love." - chuck.

i had a great love.  i don't call it love when i speak about it, but in the safety of this journal i'll admit that my feelings were significant enough to be (at least) near to 'love'.  he was charming. handsome. dynamic. intelligent. incredibly fun. talented. clever. appreciated a great variety of good music. 

on day one he told me i was too good for him.  four years later, i finally believed him and walked away.  it might have been a great love, but it wasn't the right love.  despite that truth, though, i've been living the song - i don't love him, but i always will...  well, 'always' ends today.

in some ways, i think moving across the country (can i call it that?) was the best thing for the two of us.  i didn't tell him i was leaving.  when he heard, he was astounded.  he couldn't believe that our chapter was finally coming to an end, but like a dickens novel that never seems to come to a close our story ended long before the last words were written. 

this is a fresh start.  this is an opportunity to turn the page and start a new story.  ...and this time the main character is going to be me.  i have high hopes for the indianapolis chapter of my life.  (for the education junkies out there, i've even created some learning objectives for my time here.)  it's time to start living with intentionality and with purpose.  i'm ready to be the person i've been wanting to become.  as another civil wars song goes, "i've missed you, ...but i haven't met you yet."