adulthood

"i'm waiting, all of my life been waiting
to get it right, but that still seems like its so far away.
and i'm taking all the advice i'm given
trying to find out how a kid like me becomes a man.
cause i guess i'm just scared i'm the only one here growing old,
growing old but not quite growing up"
~ matt wertz, waiting

today i spent a lot of time with a new hire, going over office procedures, employee paperwork and job responsibilities.  several times in our conversation she mentioned that now she's an "adult" but she doesn't quite feel prepared.  it made me think....am i an adult?  how did i feel when i entered adulthood?  did i feel prepared?

heck no.

i spent a lot of time lost in the wilderness of post-adolescence/pre-adulthood.  (the developmental theorists are probably rolling in their graves over that made-up classification.)  i graduated college and i moved to a new city.  eventually, i got a job.  three, in fact.  one to pursue my dreams, one to pay the bills, and one to have money for my social life.

professionally, i was doing alright.  i was one of only a handful of my friends who was actually working (in one of the jobs) in the field that i studied in college.  i had the kind of job that my major prepared me for.  not only that, but i was excelling with my work.  i loved it and it showed, because i was darn good at it.

personally, though, i hadn't grown up at all.  in so many ways, i was still living the college lifestyle.  i made money so i could spend it, and i spent it quickly.  i filled every spare moment by partying with friends and making lots of poor decisions.  i was growing older, but not growing up.

the illusive "they" keep extending the range of adolescence in america.  it used to be that graduating from college or moving out of your parents house or getting your first job were all signs of adulthood.  nowadays, that's not necessarily the case.  parents continue to fund their children sometimes into their thirties and college grads move back in with mom and dad.  more than that, these young professionals are refusing to call themselves "adults".  do they fear the word?  do they think that if they say they're adults that they have to have all the answers figured out?

well, i don't have life figured out.  i still have a lot of questions.  and do i get it right, all of the time?  absolutely not.  but i am an adult. 

i keep trying and i keep striving toward my goals.  over the years i learned how to manage my finances.  i learned how to maintain a healthy work-life balance.  i learned that friendships are stronger when you have more than boys and booze to talk about.

most importantly, i learned to be happy with who i am.  unfortunately, that's not something that you can necessarily teach someone.  it's not a math equation that i can pass along to recent graduates.  if only learning to love yourself were that simple..

i think being an adult is about thinking of more than yourself.  it's about seeing the bigger picture, a picture much bigger than your own little corner of the world.  i think being an adult is about living with integrity and with grace.  i think being an adult is knowing yourself and allowing yourself to be the most authentic version of yourself possible.

ironically, the way that i measure adulthood is based on a lyric from bob dylan's "forever young":
"may you grow up to be righteous 
may you grow up to be true
may you always know the truth 
and see the lights surrounding you
may you always be courageous 
stand upright and be strong
may you stay forever young"

when i think of home

"when i think of home, i think of a place where there's love overflowing" ~ the whiz

i'm not much of a crier, but when i do the flood gates sure do fly open wide.  as i drove away from the "club house" where much life has been celebrated together with my dilworth refugees, i couldn't help but shed some tears.  it was my going away party at jenny and sally's and i was in denial.  these people had become my family.  why did i decide to take a new job that would make me move away from them?

i was scared.  scared that they'd forget me.  scared that i would feel alone in indianapolis.  scared that i wouldn't be able to find people in my new city who cared about me as much as they did.  but then sally said something that i can still hear crystal clear, now months later: "well you didn't know us when you moved to charlotte, either!"

i have been so blessed in my life.  i have friends in my life that i've known since we were three years old together.  i grew up with incredible friends in middle school and high school who gave me such grace through every awkward stage and stuck with me long enough to see me through to the other side.  i remember being at a party sometime around graduation when brad made the comment that we would all be friends forever.  i also vividly remember nate and i laughing at him and telling him that he was crazy, but i guess he was right.  not many people can say that they've been friends this long, but when you grow up in a place like coshocton, ohio with friends like mine, well, you can't help but stick together for life.  it's like your souls are eternally stitched together somehow.

i went to college out of state where nobody i knew would be attending.  for the first two weeks, i called my parents every day and begged them to cross the border into this wretched land of west virginia and bring me home.  it was horrible and i didn't have a car to escape.  eventually though, my roommate kelly talked me into going through recruitment and i joined the wonderful world of sorority.  through experiencing this with kelly i met phenomenal women who continue to teach me what it is to be a woman of purpose to this day.  again, these were friends who gave me grace as i tried to figure out what kind of woman i would become.

after college kara and i moved to charlotte on a whim.  sure, we had each other but we weren't quite sure what we were getting into.  shortly after moving, we reconnected with old college acquaintances who quickly became the best of friends and the infamous "char-latte crew".  then, after a few months, i finally landed a job at a church where i met the equally infamous "dilworth refugees".  both groups of friends became my stronghold in charlotte.  they were my family for so many holidays when i couldn't make it back to ohio.  we joined together for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births and even deaths.  i will never forget the people at grandpa's funeral staring at the gorgeous flower arrangement with the card that was signed "havaleh's refugees".  on a day when i felt like my world was ending, my crazy friends could somehow still make me giggle.

on the side, i was pursuing a graduate degree.  slow and steady was the pace, but through those five years i met some truly fantastic people.  people who are challenging the  relevance of the church and challenging young people to get off their asses and take ownership for their own faith stories.  people who challenged me to be a better professional and a better person.  people who somehow made group projects enjoyable and caused eight hour classes to race by in a breeze.

then came the misenheimer years.  in so many ways, my time in the village can best be described as a holding pattern, but then again it was also a place of self-discovery.  it was in the village that i met three women, who although they all hold a dear place in my heart and share the same name, touched my life in very unique ways.  rich was already constantly making fun of me for having too many katies in my life, but adding katie, katy, and katie to the list when i moved to misenheimer was well worth the ridicule.  each woman let me info her life and allowed me to be fully me, no matter what the circumstance.  in addition to the katie/ys were the wonderful colleagues  and students at pfeiffer who made the 15 hour work days not only bearable, but entertaining and enjoyable.  they were more than just people i knew at work, they are soul friends for life.

so, as the indianapolis chapter of my life begins i look forward to getting to know the newest cardholders of "havaleh's friends for life" exclusive membership program.  one day soon, indianapolis will feel like home but just like every other city i've moved to, well it takes a while...

trouble sleeping

"it's late and i'm feeling so tired
having trouble sleeping
this constant compromise
between thinking and breathing"
~ corinne bailey rae, trouble sleeping

in lieu of my insomniac behavior lately, i'm going to share some strange facts about what keeps me from sleeping as i'm laying in my bed -

things that keep me awake at night:
1. poverty and hunger in america (it's true. i stress myself out.)
2. anxiety about harry potter 7, part 2 (i'll see it by myself if i have to)
3. pete's whimpering and kicking in his nightmares (it's so cute i can't stand it)
4. mr. darcy walking across my face every five minutes (it's so annoying i can't stand it)
5. trying to remember the words to a song i hear on the radio (never can)
6. wondering if the tingly sensation on my back is natural or if it's a spider (it's never a spider)
7. worrying that if i don't fall sleep soon i'll not get enough sleep to function (i always function)

things that ought to keep me awake at night, but don't:
1. the fact that my front door handle won't lock properly
2. wondering if i'll ever see that cute guy from the store again
3. that i continually leave my pepper spray by the front door, instead of bringing it with me to the bedroom at night.

carolina in my mind

tonight marisa sent me a text from the wine vault.  she was sitting there listening to rich (refusing to play jason mraz, no doubt) and felt the loss of my absence.  so did i.  as much as indianapolis is surely becoming home for me, i think i'll always miss the friends i left in north carolina.

so in honor of my friends and "going to carolina in my mind" (james taylor) tonight, i'm going to list, in no particular order, many of the things that i am missing/will miss from the tar heel state:

1. freshly brewed sweet tea.
2. mert's southern soul cooking.
3. lupie's banana pudding.
4. bootsie's homemade pimento cheese.
5. celebrating thanksgiving on the beach in wilmington.
6. checking out great music and mountain men in asheville.
7. weekend hikes with pete at morrow mountain state park.
8. spending weekend evenings at the wine vault listening to rich perform.
9. char-latte crew cookouts complete with college games.
10. office potluck lunches with the village people.
11. midnight puppy play dates at the tennis courts.
12. attempting book studies with the refugees.
13. bank of america. (only no-deposit atms here)
14. finding the perfect dress at a belk sale.
15. uptown parking garage prices.  ($30 here!)
16. deep slow southern accents.
17. peach cobbler cook out milkshakes.
18. beautiful magnolia and crape myrtle lined streets.
19. the truly unique summer concert series - rock, indie, country, pop, folk, jazz, classical & oldies.
20. not having to lock my door or carry keys and pepper spray when i take pete out to pee at midnight.