6 planes, 4 days

last week was a whirlwind. i traveled 5,881 miles over the span of four days via six airplanes visiting six different airports. none of this was planned. it just kind of happened.

i have a habit of sleeping on planes. i sleep, typically, for the duration of the flight. the attendants are lucky if i even stay awake long enough for them to give the safety demonstration. somehow, though, i always wake up as they come back with the drink cart. every time i order the same thing: sprite zero.

why, you ask? 1) because as a kid my mom always gave me 7up when i had an upset stomach and unfortunately i do have a little bit of motion sickness in cars, boats, and airplanes. not enough for dramamine or anything, but enough for a clear carbonated soda. and 2) because regular sprite is too sugary for me.

i drink my sprite and then i return to my usual routine. sleeping.

well, as we were mid-flight somewhere over montana (i think) during flight #2, i noticed such beautiful scenery through the window. the mountains were stunning and there in the middle of the peaks was this vibrant aqua blue-green pool of crystal clear water. (the photo does not do it justice...) i stared. i barely took my eyes off of it long enough to get the photo.

shortly after passing the mountains we rose to a higher altitude, and it wasn't long before we were soaring above gracefully dancing clouds. it was like i was watching cotton candy ballerinas from a box seat above the sky stage. i couldn't help but smile with pure delight and appreciation of the joy in front of my eyes. it was beautiful and delicate and animated, all at the same time.

i didn't go back to my routine sleep. i couldn't. all i could do was stare at these dancing clouds and pray that one day i would find the joy and the peace and the beauty that these clouds had found.  i was mesmerized by it all.

eventually, we had to cut through the clouds and prepare for landing. all of a sudden, this beauty that had me mesmerized was the cause for terrible turbulence. it was a rocky flight for a little while, but as soon as we cut through the clouds it was smooth sailing through the landing.

last night i talked with a friend who has cut through some clouds recently. he's endured the turbulence and came out on the other side relatively unscathed, but our conversation got me thinking about that flight.

we sometimes idealize things from behind the protective lens of our own defenses. he had resigned himself to being single for life. he had given up on the idea of romance and marriage and children and he was okay with it. life had different plans, though. [enter dream girl from stage right.] and the very thing that had looked so full of joy and peace and beauty, turned out to bring him down a rocky path. but even though the relationship is over now, he'll tell you that it was worth it. because he learned about himself and he learned about love. was it the fairy tale? no. but no one can say that he sat by and let life pass him by. he was out dancing with the clouds.

i have a habit of sleeping on planes. i wake up just long enough to get a drink that will help ease the pain, but i quickly fall back into my routine. i miss a lot while i'm asleep. i miss aqua blue-green crystal clear lakes among the mountain tops. i miss beautiful ballerina cloud coverage. and yes, i'd even miss the turbulence.

i fought my instincts and stayed awake for flight #4 and the pay off was totally worth it. the hot pilot asked out for coffee.

so here's to staying awake and experiencing life - because a little bit of turbulence is worth dancing with the clouds.

the mourning kaddish

"man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."  ~ antonio porchia

i struggle with grief. i'm not good at mourning. in an attempt to appear as though i've got it all together, i let the fear and the hurt and the frustration build up until all of a sudden i can no longer function. i freeze. i let the pain overpower me.

unfortunately, my christian tradition didn't give me much to work with when it comes to grieving. our jewish brothers and sisters, however, have a rich language for mourning and i have found it exponentially helpful in times like these.

the first phase is called aninut, or "burial" which lasts between death and burial. during aninut mourners are free from all responsibility. they don't have to do anything but prepare for the funeral. rabbi margaret holub says "mourners are exempt from other commandments during aninut because only the living are obligated by God's law, and in those first days after a death, mourners border on death themselves." more than that, even the community is free from obligation. they aren't supposed to visit or bring food or even try to comfort the mourners. as rabbi holub says, "the death is still happening, so the work of comforting cannot yet begin."

the second phase is called shiva, or "seven" for the first week following the burial. the community gathers at the mourner's home to "sit shiva". in silence, they sit. during this time, the mourners do not leave the house, but rely on the community to bring meals and offer support without offering advice. this is taken from the story of job and it is my favorite part of the jewish mourning process. 

the third phase is called shloshim, or "thirty" and lasts for the next month. finally, the mourner comes out of their house and enters society once more. it is a gradual process, of attending services and talking with friends. 

finally, after the thirty days, the mourner enters the final phase of mourning which last a full year. during this time you pray the kaddish, but you can't pray it alone. by design, you must pray this prayer with a community. it forces the mourner back into the community. you actually say the kaddish twice a day, every day for the the full year after the death, including during shiva and shloshim.

the kaddish is a reminder of who God is and how God is working in our lives. and even if you don't feel like praying, you do it. kind of a 'fake it til ya make it' attitude. you pray the kaddish because you know that even if you don't feel it in that moment, God is there. 

in her book mudhouse sabbath, lauren winner says it this way: "even in the pit, even in depression and loss and nonsense, still we respond to God with praise. this is not to say that the mourner should not feel what he feels - anger disbelief, hatred. he can feel those things (and shout them out to God; God can take it.). you do not have to feel praise in the intense moments of mourning, but the praise is still true, and insisting upon it over and over, twice a day every day, ensures that eventually you will come to remember the truth of those praises."

this is the part i forget, sometimes. i forget to praise God through the pain. i forget that even though i just can't feel it, that God is there and that God is still mighty and powerful and loving and just. that even though all i may be able to see is the darkness and the pain and the doubt, that God is still God.  

i love this process. because it is just that - a process. i think sometimes as christians we talk about grief and we talk about moving forward but we don't do a good job of teaching what happens in between. we bring meals and we send cards, but that typically only lasts a couple weeks or so. after that, the cards stop coming and the doorbell stops ringing. after that, we're all alone. it's expected that we should move on with our lives. 

the jewish tradition recognizes the need for a longer mourning process. it recognizes that we don't move on so quickly. sometimes things never go back to normal. most times, you have to create a new normal, and that takes time. 

tonight, i sit shiva. tonight, i sit in silence as others grieve. tonight, i pray with them the kaddish, because God is still there. amidst the pain and the confusion and even the hatred, God is still there. and God is still God.

may the great name of God be exalted and sanctified,

throughout the world, which he has created according to his will. 

may his kingship be established in your lifetime and in your days, 

and in the lifetime of the entire household of israel,

swiftly and in the near future; 

and say, amen.

may his great name be blessed, forever and ever.
blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled,
honored elevated and lauded be the name of the holy one,

blessed is he - above and beyond any blessings and hymns,

praises and consolations which are uttered in the world;

and say, amen. 

may there be abundant peace from heaven,

and life, upon us and upon all israel; 

and say, amen.

he who makes peace in his heights, may he make peace,

upon us and upon all israel. 

and say, amen.

best of friends

she's been a best friend for nearly two decades. some of my earliest memories include her. like her second grade birthday slumber party or jumping on the big trampoline in her back yard. there were times in our lives when we were absolutely inseparable.

i was there when her daughter was born, stood next to her when she married the man of her dreams and cried the day her son was brought into the world.

she has been a part of me for most of my life.

this weekend, as we celebrated the next chapter of another dear friend's life, i realized just how close we had become over the years. we were sitting at a table with strangers and ended up sharing a plate for bread. when asked about it, i simply replied with "we share a lot. it's fine." a little while later when we ordered a dessert to split, one of our new friends laughed saying, "you guys share everything, don't you?"

at the time, i thought "well, yeah. of course we do."

but the truth is that we haven't always shared everything with each other. we found that out on the car ride home from the bachelorette party. we ended up sharing stories that somehow were never shared before. she almost cried, she was laughing so hard after learning about one of my high school "relationships" that she never knew about. and i wasn't the only one spilling the secrets. i found out about not one, but two different adventures i never knew about before.

we laughed so hard.

it was like old times. ...just like old times.

we even stayed at my parents' house, in the little room downstairs with two twin beds so we could relive the slumber party days of old. i had my best friend back again. no kids. no husband. no worries. no time constraints. just us, hanging out and enjoying life together. i haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

she is my friend for life. forever and ever, amen.
and for that, i am the luckiest girl in the world.


"if only the world wouldn't get in the way
if only people would just let you play.
they say you're both being fools
you're breaking all the rules
they can't understand, the magic of your wonderland
when you're the best of friends"
~ fox and the hound, best of friends

bigger the dog, bigger the poop

when adopting a new canine friend, it's important to weigh your options.

i wanted a big dog, but not so big that i couldn't handle it. little dogs freak me out a little bit. they simply aren't....enough. i wanted more than a dog the size of a football that i could kick across the room but not so big that i couldn't carry him if he broke a leg or something and i needed to get him to the vet.

when i saw pete's picture i knew he was for me. he was so handsome. and sweet. and he was just the right size. 35 lbs of pure muscle and love. he was affectionate and easy going and it just seemed perfect.

through the process of adopting and living with pete, i've learned a few things. the most important thing being that the bigger the dog, the more expensive their meds, the more food they eat, the bigger the poop to pick up. and picking up poop is gross. it smells and sometimes it's not solid enough to pick up quickly.

as pete has grown, so has the risk. he's a big dog. and sometimes he hurts me. he doesn't mean to, but he's stronger than he realizes and when 60 pounds of pure energy comes speeding toward you, well sometimes you get hurt. plus, i can no longer pick him up all by myself. if he got hurt while we were out on a trail, i wouldn't be able to carry him all on my own. i'd need help.

the bigger the dog, the bigger the poop.

relationships are the same.

it's important to pick one that's right for you. sure, a superficial relationship can be fun and it can pass the time alright. and risk is low with love like that. if you don't have to invest too much of yourself, then there's not much out on the line.

but me? i'd rather have a big love. and not the kind on HBO. i'm talking about a love that is big enough to handle me and all of my complexities. a man with the right sized personality. a man who gives the right amount of affection. a man who is the perfect fit. a man who's ...enough.

and the longer the relationship lasts, the more it grows. as the connection deepens, the more things can go wrong. feelings can get messy and the gray area of love can get wider and wider.

as the relationship grows, the risk for heartbreak grows as well. break up in a month? no big deal. i can heal on my own. break up after a couple years? i won't be able to fix it on my own.  i'll need help.  ...the bigger the dog, the bigger the risk.

ask anyone who's found the right thing, though and they'll agree: it's risky, but the pay off is worth it.

i wouldn't trade pete for anything.

stormy weather

for the past few summers, marisa and i have diligently planned our infamous "summer concert series". our series have included quite the eclectic array of genres. we've seen everyone from james taylor and carole king to mumford and sons to darius rucker and brad paisley to g love and jason mraz. i've missed our concert series this summer

there's something about the energy of a live show that invigorates my soul in a way nothing else can. the stories between songs. the banter between bandmates. the comradery of the crowd. and the falling of the stage?

a storm blew in during a concert tonight at the state fair causing the entire stage rigging to fall forward into the crowd, reportedly killing four people and injuring many more. it happened between performers, so luckily neither sara barreilles or sugarland were on the stage when it happened.

i immediately check twitter to see if my friend who was in attendance tonight was okay and see this tweet from a journalist that i follow: "weather. flight delays. meh. just wanna be home." then i check sugarland's website to see if they are making any comments on the incident, which they did - asking for prayers. one fan commented on the blog with, "are you positive the show is going to be cancelled tomorrow??"

cathleen's irritated with flight delays and spooner336 is worried about her date tomorrow night while we're dealing with deaths here in indianapolis.

what storm is in your life right now? is it the irritating kind? is it the kind that delays your arrival time at the next destination? is it the kind that makes you change your plans? is it the killing kind? is it killing you? are you watching it kill someone else, right before your eyes?

because it's all the same storm. it's just about perspective.

did cathleen know that the very storms that delayed her flight were murderous and unapologetic? no. from where she's sitting there are probably blue skies. we don't always see the bigger picture. life is a precious gift and nights like tonight are harsh reminders of the fragility of that gift. we can choose to be aggravated by the menial annoyances or we can remember that sometimes, though we can't see it, there are bigger storms at play.



"in the moment that one thing ends
is the same time that one begins
and return as we must
we are ashes to dust, amen."
hello, sugarland

bully breed

"heavy-elka." i was ten years old and a boy in the lunch line at school called me a nasty name. i don't think i had ever thought about my appearance before that. that was the moment that i noticed my weight, my hair, my clothes. that was the moment that i become self-conscious. it was the moment i lost my childhood innocence.

the name didn't catch on. i don't know why, whether it was friends or teachers who put a stop to it, but no one ever called me that name again. and yet, eighteen years later, i can still hear the malicious tone in luke's voice as he called me fat in front of my friends.

i was lucky. sure, there were days that i hated school just as much as the next kid, but i was never a victim of ceaseless bullying or social scorn. kids today don't have a chance. maybe that's overly pessimistic, but it's the truth. the disparity between the haves and the have nots is so great that there doesn't seem to be any middle ground any more. financially, technologically, socially - it's too easy to see who's got it and who doesn't.

bullying today is out of control. i was just telling someone the other day that i am so glad that i didn't grow up in today's world of facebook and twitter and youtube. i would not have survived. or at least my reputation wouldn't have. people can be cruel. and once it's out there on the internet, it's out there for good. nothing is private anymore and bullying has moved from silly name calling in the lunch line to tireless harassment through a variety of media methods. luke's lunch line "heavy-elka" would have turned into dozens of kids posting such nastiness on facebook and twitter then texting me nonstop until my parents let me drop out of school and i end up in emergency rehab for an eating disorder.

according to his papers, pete is an "american bulldog mix", but ask anyone who has ever met him and they'll place him in the following: pit bull terrier, american staffordshire terrier, boxer, american bulldog - bully breeds, all of them.

before pete, the main pup in my life was omen, my brother and sister-in-law's great dane-pit bull mix. in our family, omen is known as my boyfriend. for some unknown reason this dog loves me. i mean LOVES me. when i visit them in wilmington, omen stays by my side during the day and sleeps with me at night. in his earlier years he would nearly tackle me to the ground and cover me with kisses when i walked through the door.

every preconceived idea i had of pit bulls flew out the window when omen stormed into my life. then came a picture of pete in an email from a friend of a friend. "anybody want to adopt this puppy?" they asked. i didn't see a scary pit bull. i saw a beautiful puppy who needed a home and instantly i knew that his home was with me.

i'll never forget the first time i saw him. my friend becca came with me for the introductions and we fell in love with him almost immediately. he nearly tackled me in the same way omen used to when i walked through the door to meet him. pete was only 35 pounds at the time, so not nearly big enough to actually get me to the ground. only scrappy enough to pull out a hoop earring and stretch it to submission.

i did everything i was supposed to - i played with his toes, put my hands in his food bowl, stole the rag bone he was playing with and watched his jaws as he interacted. he didn't care at all. sure, he was a bully breed but he wasn't aggressive.

bully breeds got their name not for being "bullies" but because their unifying ancestor, the molosser, was known for baiting bulls in 19th century england. they got their bad reputation in the eighties when gangs trained them for aggressive protection. the fact is that these dogs are loyal animals who are unwaveringly faithful to the ones they love. they desperately want to please their owners and will diligently train accordingly.

take pete for example. we were a mess before swiftdogz, but through their canine behavioral training we learned how to communicate. i learned how to tell pete what i expected from him and he quickly followed instruction. all he needed was some structure and consistency.

bullies in school need the same thing. they need love. and not the superficial kind who provide wine coolers for a middle school birthday party because they want to be cool or the fanatical kind who care more about the trophies their athlete or mathlete bring home than the relationship they share. like pete, these are loyal, strong-willed, self-conscious children who desperately want to be noticed by someone who loves them, who critically need authentic loving support, structure and consistency.

what if every parent had to complete a communication and adoration training before giving birth? what if we cultivated supportive cognizant communities of love, rather than competitive societies of greed? well, then i think we could eradicate the bullying problem in our schools (and at our dog parks).

lost and found

have you ever put something into safe keeping so safely that you forget where you put it?

i do it a lot. you would think that i would have learned my lesson by now. i have a horrible memory, so it's no surprise that i would forget where i put important things that aren't used regularly.

today i lost something. something really important. truly very important. a document that can't be reproduced. a one of a kind. it's gone. i can't find it anywhere. i have seen it since the big move, so i know it made it to indianapolis. what's really pathetic is that the reason i know it was in this apartment at one point was because i've already lost it once since moving here. now it's gone again. and i need it. like, now.

i am so frustrated. more than that i'm disappointed. and disappointment is so much more self-deprecating than frustration.

unfortunately, i don't just misplace things, i misplace people sometimes too.  the down side to loving so many fantastic people on this earth is that it is impossible to frequently communicate with every friendship over the years.

there are friends that i put into safe keeping, so to speak. there are 2 minute conversation friends and there are 2 hour conversation friends. it's hard to find 2 hours in a normal day, so i keep the calls at bay. i wait to call until i have time to really devote to the conversation. theoretically, like putting important documents in hiding, this is a great plan. theoretically, it means that i care about those conversations too much to cut them short.

but sometimes i put these conversations on hold for so long that i lose touch with the friendship. i miss important birthdays or anniversaries. i miss life altering moments that occur between phone calls. ...i miss life.

eventually, though, i make the call. or they do. and we talk. we catch up on each others' lives and we swap stories. we take up every moment of those 2 hour conversations with true dialogue, a sincere communion of hearts and minds.

in those moments, i find the meaning of true friendship, even if those moments are few and too far between. in those moments, i am found.

hopefully i'll find the document i was looking for too...

perfectly lonely

to all the mothers out there who thought i would end up with their sons: please stop telling me.

although it is flattering to know that they like me enough to consider being my mother-in-law (and in most cases, i would absolutely love to call them family because of the joy they bring to my life), well, it's awkward and sometimes hurtful.  i don't know how to respond.  in some cases, i did date their son.  maybe their son was a jerk.  or maybe i screwed it up (i'm good at that).  or maybe we were or are great friends.  or maybe i barely even knew them (those are the really awkward ones...).

years ago one of my friends told me, "oh, we're sure that one of us is going to eventually marry you. we just haven't decided which one yet."  i could have punched him in the face.  i didn't.  ...but i could have.  i refuse to be anyone's consolation prize.

if i had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "oh i was sure you would end up with __(fill in the blank with pretty much any guy i've ever known)__" i'd be rich.  i'm sure that it is usually, if not always said with the best intentions.  however, i can't help but fight the urge for a violent response.

because it makes me feel like i failed somehow.  like, even though maybe i wasn't ever interested in even dating some of these guys, i failed by not somehow inspiring them to fall in love with me over the years.  like i wasn't good enough.  like i'm still not good enough.  or like being single is a crime, somehow.  like they think there must be something wrong with me because i'm single.

"oh honey, how are YOU still single?" has the same effect.

the truth is that i'm perfectly happy being single right now.  i can do whatever i want, whenever i want without a care in the world.  "a simple little kind of free" as john mayer puts it.  it took me fifteen minutes to make the decision to move across the country to take a new job.  there would have been a lot more to that decision, had there been a man in my life at the time. 

eventually, i will probably end up meeting an incredible man, get married and settle down, but for now i'm enjoying playing the field, spending time figuring out who i am and who it is i'm looking for, which, i'm pretty sure is not any of the previously mentioned sons.  i mean, it could be, but probably (almost absolutely) not.

28 mentors for 28 years

each year as i celebrate the day i was brought into this world i like to reflect on the lifetime i've journeyed to get to where i am.  at 26, it was memories.  at 27, most treasured gifts.  this year, at 28, i'd like to share with you (in no particular order) some of the greatest mentors of my life thus far. 

1. george stalter - lovingly referred to as "missionary george", he was a true saint with a heart for missions and spirit for people.  he gave heather and i the title "missionary" after our first mission trip to henderson settlement in kentucky.  i was eleven and he made me a missionary.  every time i saw him at church he would give me a big hug and kiss and offer me encouragement in my ministry.  he was a great man who was behind so much good in our community.  he gave so much of his time and his money to help the people of the world, sometimes splitting his time between repairing missionary airplanes in ohio and building churches in mexico.  even years after his death, george's memory inspires me to continue to do good in this world.

2. heather baker - when does a best friend become a mentor?  when she shows you unconditional love in such a way that you see Jesus Christ himself through her.  i was going through a lot and didn't feel like anyone was really there for me.  my parents and my youth pastor had all tried to talk with me, but i didn't need them.  i needed a friend.  i was in middle school and we were in kentucky for a church mission trip. during devotions one evening the weight of everything i thought i had so neatly packed away came crashing down.  i ran back to the cabin to be alone with my thoughts when heather came in to be with me.  knowing the situation, she asked me how i was handling everything.  i don't remember what i said.  i don't remember anything she said.  what i remember is the way she sat with me without judgment.  i saw Jesus through her in those moments and ever since she has been such a strong spiritual support.

3. kathy bartunek - our high school wrestling stat mom, bible study teacher, mentor and friend, kathy was typically the first my friends and i would go to for advice about our latest dilemmas.  in bible study, she invited me to think critically and amazed me by bringing stacks a books (various interpretations/translations, maps, concordances, etc.) to encourage us to continually look at the bigger picture of the stories we were reading.  she taught us what it meant to be classy young women.  plus, she introduced me to the world of coffee, sparking my dream of opening the "hava java" coffee shop that continues to be a hope for my future.

4. ruth roth - for the longest time i planned on going to art school and becoming an architect.  i loved math and art and i suffered from ocd - it was the perfect plan.  well, until my youth pastor threw a wrench in the plan.  "have you ever thought about professional ministry?" she asked.  "absoutely not" was my response.  i thought that meant being a pastor and i wanted nothing to do with it, but ruth opened my eyes to the world of christian education and professional lay ministry.  all of a sudden, i was searching for colleges that offered youth ministry and christian education as concentrated studies.  it's amazing how one simple, thoughtful question can change your life.

5. kate mattison - kate would probably be extremely confused if she knew that i considered her a mentor, but she played a big role in molding my identity in high school.  kate was the first the person i remember (other than my parents, of course) to tell me i was beautiful.  i was in high school and out of the blue one day she asked me if i realized how beautiful i was.  i was astounded.  i have been overweight my entire life and have had immense self-esteem issues because of it for as long as i can remember.  at a time when i felt truly ugly, when i felt like i would never be skinny enough, never be stylish enough, never be pretty enough, simply never be good enough, she told me so sincerely almost every day that i was beautiful.  i needed that more than she will ever know.  through the most simplest of acts, she profoundly changed the way i viewed myself.

6. myrtle beall - i think mrs. beall was the first teacher to take notice of me as an individual.  i never felt like i was being watched or that everything i said or did would be reported back to my parents in the teachers' lounge at lunchtime.  she encouraged us all to be authentically ourselves, regardless of the influence of anyone else.  maybe it was the nature of the classes, but i vividly remember thinking how cool it was that she would come to our tables and sit with us as we worked, as if she respected us as equals.  she wasn't afraid to joke and laugh with us, but she also wasn't afraid to call us out if we were being stupid.  art classes were a place where people came together, partly because of the intrinsic connectivity art brings to diversity but mostly because mrs. beall treated everyone the same - with extraordinary expectations and consistency.

7. chandra hinkle - when we were little girls, she was the girl with all five american girl dolls.  (remember when there were only five?)  she was the envy of all.  as we grew up, she was the picture of beauty - tall, thin, blonde.  today, she is married to an incredible man and is raising two truly beautiful children.  she continues to be the envy of all.  all my life i have secretly wanted to be like my best friend.  even more than the perfect hair and the picturesque family, i have envied her positivity and resilience.  chandra has always had a "pick up and move on" kind of attitude.  nothing gets her down for very long.  she encounters a problem, works to find a solution and moves forward.  if only i could be that brave.

8. fred johnston - there are some people who are meant to be part of your life forever.  there are others who come and go in a blink of an eye, but change your life regardless.  fred was one of those season people.  we met in our college freshman seminar course and became friends almost accidentally.  i haven't seen him in nearly ten years, but he challenged me to define what i believe in ways no one had ever asked before.  the hours-long conversations we shared almost always centered around religion and politics, the two topics everyone says you should stay away from.  we didn't always agree, but i think that's what made our conversation so rich.

9. john saunders - freshman year of college was a scary time for me.  i had grown up in a town where everyone knew my name.  in certain circles, i was a big fish in a little pond.  college was a tough transition because all of a sudden i was lost in a big world.  teachers didn't praise my work.  i wasn't even good enough to audition for solos, let alone get any.  i had to study for the first time in my life.  dr. saunders challenged me to find my unique voice.  he didn't settle for "good" because he believed i could be better than that.  he is probably the most sarcastic and dry witted professor i have ever encountered, but don't let that fool you.  his dedication to his students and belief in our potential is unmatched.

10. kelly engleka - kelly was the best college roommate i could have ever hoped for.  she allowed me the freedom to experiment with my identity.  i wasn't sure who i wanted to be and i tried on a lot of different hats during those four years in west virginia.  kelly was with me every step of the way, supporting me with encouragement and supporting me with accountability too.  kelly was the first external processor i had ever really known.  i came from a community of internalizers, so her methods were quite shocking for me at first.  through that though, i learned to give voice to my feelings in ways that i had never before said aloud.  over our many years of friendship, kelly has taught me what it means to be a strong confident woman and for that i am eternally grateful.

11. larry parsons - i grew up with my father as a choir director, so going to college and joining a choir where i was at the bottom of the talent pool was really tough for me.  i will never forget my first voice lesson with dr. p.  i was supposed to bring a prepared piece that i was comfortable with, so i began singing a solo from my high school days.  before i could get through the first verse, he stopped me and said, "you're not an alto, havaleh.  i know that your dad was your choir director and he probably let you sing alto because you could sight read and because you begged him for the more interesting harmonies...but you are not an alto and you will not sing alto in this choir."  ...ouch.  dr. p stretched me, not only in my vocal range but in my mind and in my soul.  he took time out of rehearsals to read poetry and sometimes my private voice lessons turned into sermons and i would not have had it any other way.  he recognized that all of his students were more than voices in a choir and that only when we developed our whole selves could we sing to the best of our abilities.  his style of teaching has stuck with me and i have always tried to remember that the students i work with are more than the offices they hold or the events they plan - they are whole complex persons who can only perform well when they acknowledge and even celebrate those complexities.

12. susan burton - friends in grad school called me the social justice queen and susan is to blame.  susan works for the united methodist church general board of church and society and led a seminar i attended in college.  she introduced ideas about our world that i had never imagined.  she asked us to think about the privilege we experience and invited us to list the many things we take for granted every day.  she opened my eyes to things that i can never ignore again.  for the first time in my life, i thought about mission work in terms of societal change and governmental policy instead of donating clothes or building homes.  that type of service is absolutely necessary, but she helped me to dream of a world where it was no longer needed and gave me tangible tools to make that change a reality.  i've never looked at poverty or hunger or trafficking or hate or discrimination or world health the same.

13. lara edwards - i applied to the west virginia conference of the umc summer internship program because i thought i would get placed at my good friend brooke's church.  it was the perfect location - halfway between wvwc and my hometown in ohio.  and it was going to be so fun to work for someone i got along with so well.  then i got the call.  they offered me an internship in some town called lewisburg with some woman named lara.  dreams were crushed, yes, but new dreams were realized.  lara was the absolute perfect person to spend my summer shadowing.  she taught me so much about ministry and about life.  that summer was life-changing for me.

14. phylis coston - with a passion for life that supersedes her age, dr. coston continues to teach me the true meaning of being a lifelong learner.  lifelong learning isn't just a higher education buzz word for her.  she lives it.  she has contributed so much to the world of christian education and continues to learn as much about her field and other interests as she can.  serious about intellectual research and serious about caring for others, she is the picture of what a christian educator ought to be.

15-19. parrish horton, abbey niland, katie moses, katie perperas and julie renner - these were sisters i looked up to. they are beautiful, strong, confident, sweet and smart.  even in their craziest moments (and let's face, there were quite a few of those!), it was women like these that made me proud to wear my letters.  beyond who they are, they me feel special.  they made me feel like i was somebody important.  that meant more to me in those formative years than they probably know.  they treated me as an equal, not as the little pledge who didn't know anything.  i was their sister.  i am their sister.  when i say "friend", i will always think of these wonderful women.

20. jenny parlier - never in my life have i ever met someone as generous as jenny.  she is constantly giving of herself to her friends, her family, her work...  she told me just this week that her boss had to force her to take vacation because she has been working so much.  she gives so much and asks nothing in return.  she helped me move across the country and nearly single-handedly unloaded the moving truck while i was a my first day of work.  friends like jenny come but once in a lifetime.  i am a better person for knowing her.

21. haley hartzoge - with her love for broadway and participation in church activities, i used to call haley a younger version of me but the truth is that she is so much better than i ever was.  she continues to stun me with her incredibly sensitive soul and generous heart.  wise beyond her years and far more talented than she has yet realized, haley is the type of daughter every parent prays for.  i truly believe that haley will change the world one day and i can't wait to see it.

22. tim coley - here i am in the world of higher education and no longer apologizing for it.  tim was the first dean of students i worked for at pfeiffer and i will never forget him saying to me, "stop acting like you're here accidentally."  one of his pet peeves was student development professionals who, when asked how they chose higher ed, shared stories about how they just "ended up here".  i didn't just "end up" at pfeiffer.  i chose pfeiffer and i chose higher education.  at the time, it wasn't a conscious career changing choice.  i thought it was only temporary, so maybe the longevity of the decision was happenstance, but the decision to work with college students was no accident.  he taught me that.  he also challenged me to think about a future in the field, which eventually created my current career aspirations.

23-24. chris and gloria hughes - i learned more about what it means to be "the church" from these two than i ever learned in any class or sermon.  the love they have for the Creator and for one another is unmistakable with even just a single glance.  they treat their relationship with God as a cherished gift and they treat their relationships with creation just the same.

25. my parents - i would be remiss if i didn't include my parents on this list. they surely don't get the thanks they deserve for raising crazy children like my brother and i.  i'm sure it wasn't always easy.  heck, it probably never was easy.  they didn't neglect me, but they never tried to be my best friend either.  they were what parents ought to be.  we definitely had some bumps in the road over the years, but looking at how trevor and i have turned out i would have to say that they did a pretty great job.  that's not meant to be self-righteous, just stating fact.  i still call my parents several times a week.  some of you may think that's weird, but i think that's a testimony to the healthy relationship they have spent a lifetime building with me.

26-27. carl and cindy roeger - i don't know that i've ever told them just how much they have meant to me over the years, but they have played such a huge part in my life since i was a little girl playing crossfire with my friends in their son's bedroom.  over the years they were so much more than just my friend's parents.  they were OM coaches, sunday school teachers, VBS leaders, youth group volunteers, mission trip mentors and since i was a little girl carl and cindy were the perfect personification of what love can be.  through the many years i've known them, they have taught me what it is to truly love someone else and to glorify God through such a relationship.  as if all of that wasn't enough, they were among the first adults to truly treat me like a person, not just a kid.  they always valued my opinions and my ideas and continually challenged me to chase my dreams.  my favorite memory with them is from a mission trip in southern ohio when I was in high school.  cindy showed such courage and grace in her leadership amidst unimaginable pain.  i still have some of the rocks she painted during that trip when her pain prevented her from working on site with us.  our project that week was roofing a house.  if you know me at all, then you know that i'm terrified of heights.  carl knew this about me and never made me felt inferior because of it.  on day one he gave me jobs that kept me on the ground, then each day somehow brought me higher and higher until i was at the peak of the two-story house by the end of the trip.  without his encouragement, i would have never conquered that fear.  his work with me that week is the framework for how i have mentored every student i have ever worked with: slow and steady incremental change with consistent encouragement every step of the way.

28. tater havelka - it's no secret to those who know me that my grandpa was always my favorite person on the planet.  i miss him more than words could ever express.  he taught me to draw, taught me to paint, taught me to fish, taught me to use a saw, taught me artistry, woodworking and how to perfectly frost mom's christmas cut-out cookies.  most of all, grandpa taught me modesty and dignity.  grandpa was a quiet man, or at least he was in his older years.  he didn't say a whole lot, but when he did you listened because his stories were priceless and besides, he could throw out some incredibly funny one-liners.  grandpa left work as a coal miner to serve as a staff sergeant with the marines during ww2, serving in bougainville, guam, and iwo jima, then served in dc as an honor guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier before settling down in ohio and starting a family with my lovely grandma.  with that kind of a life, he had many reasons to be a proud man, but he wasn't.  he was humble and kind and gentle, a man of many talents.

these are but a few of the people who have changed my life in big and small ways throughout my 28 years on this planet and i thank God upon every remembrance of each and every one of them.  may i live a life worthy of the legacies they have left in me.

church shopping

i hate that term.  it makes finding a church sound as trivial as finding a cute new sundress for the party friday night, when it should be about finding a place where your soul can grow.

a friend and i were talking about this today.  we have both recently moved to indianapolis and we're still figuring out our new lives in this new city.  finding a church was pretty easy for me, but she's still on the search.  i asked her what she was looking for and automatically she started talking about the worship music style.  actually, most of our conversation centered around church music.

as a daughter of not one but two music teachers and church musicians, i fully appreciate the impact music has on one's worship experience.  it can truly make or break the communion with God.  and that's just it, the purpose of worship is to commune with our Maker, right?  i have no problem listing worship music as one of the top factors when finding a new church.  my frustration lies with people who list it is the only factor.

actually, no.  my frustration lies with the church.  because we are the ones who have fueled this obsession with worship music style.  how many churches have divided over worship styles?  too many to count.  i hear it all the time from family members who attend a small town church with one traditional service and one contemporary service.  they claim that the contemporary service congregation doesn't participate in any other aspect of church life.  "it's like they're a completely separate church."  well, i bet if i talked to people in the contemporary service congregation they'd say the same thing.

how did it get this way?  when did we decide that worship services were the most important part of the church?  when did we decide that people who don't attend the same church or even the same worship service as us were somehow strange or wrong?

let me tell you about my new church because i think it's nearly everything i have hoped for, for many years now.  i'm not going to say it's perfect (because what ever is?) but it is a really great start.  various friends and colleagues told me to check out this church when they heard i was moving to indianapolis.  some recommended it because it is so big.  others recommended it simply because of the faith tradition.  neither is the reason i stay.

i stay because the church values both individual and community experiences with the Sustainer.  i stay because the pastors mirror the diversity found in the congregation.  i stay because the congregation is the first truly open congregation i have ever been a part of.  i stay because there is a real respect for the vibrancy of the arts.  i stay because there are a variety of classes on a variety of topics in a variety of learning styles at a variety of times with a variety of expected commitment levels.  i stay because there is a deeply rooted call to congregational action with the community - both local and worldwide.  i stay because the church understands that it must be relevant and it strives to be so.  i stay because they are more worried about the message they teach and the people they are than the clothes they wear or the technology they use.  i stay because they have a heart for justice in every sense of the word.

my favorite worship music style is the kind i just haven't found in a church yet.  i'd rather sit on a rocking chair on my porch singing along to a blind willie johnson record than dance around to the latest david crowder band craziness any day.  don't get me wrong, i like david crowder band.  there's a time and a place for great songs like "you are my joy" or "shine" and who doesn't love a little church hoedown with "i saw the light", but those simply don't stir my soul like shane and shane's "yearn" or rev. dorsey's "precious lord". and few songs can break my heart and make me weep like blind willie johnson's "dark was the night, cold was the ground", a lyric-less reflection on the crucifixion of Christ, because why put words to feelings that leave you speechless...

worship music is important.  worship itself is vital.  but it's not everything.  when looking for a church, i always refer back to john wesley's quadrilateral.  does this church recognize various interpretations of scripture?  does this church have a rich sense of tradition?  does this church value personal life experience?  does this church use sound reason with wisdom?  i find that if i can answer a strong, honest "yes" to each of those questions then i've probably found a church worth investing myself into, a place where I can meet my Savior, a congregation with whom I can explore and study my faith in challenging and exciting ways, a community where i can stretch and grow and yes, even worship, regardless of the music style.