parenting 101

lessons i've learned from observing my neighbor's superb child-rearing skills.

1) if your child is screaming bloody murder, it is best to lock her outside of the apartment for 15 minutes until one of your neighbors knocks on your door to ask why you seem to find enjoyment out of torturing your children.

2) play your music deafeningly loud and you'll never hear the kids screaming anyway.

3) if it's rainy outside, don't worry! the open staircase between the first and second floors makes the perfect jungle gym!

3b) there's also a great cardio track if you send the children running down the first floor hallway, up the south staircase, up the second floor hallway and down the north staircase. and don't forget to encourage them to stomp down the stairs as loudly as possibly, complete with a full force jump at the end. luckily, the entire space is open so you can hear them no matter where they run!

4) when your child purposefully damages your neighbors property, simply pretend like you don't understand the english language.

5) teach your children to run toward large energetic puppies. furthermore, make sure to remind them to plunge their hands back and forth toward the dog's face.

6) if you really want to teach your children to make friends with their new dog-friends and neighbors, teach them to feed the dog horrible things like paper and sticks and kids meal toys.

7) children perform best at school when they've had as little sleep as possible, so be sure to keep them up until approximately 3am every night.

8) don't teach your children boundaries. and make sure that they know to talk to any and all strangers. at any time of day or night. whether they have shown their complete disdain for you or not.

a shared heartbeat

i should be reading for book club tomorrow, but instead i am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading an article someone posted to facebook this evening.

"iowa couple married for 72 years dies holding hands, an hour apart"

i may not be a sappy person, but i couldn't resist the article after seeing that title. as i read, i found tears forming just behind my eyelashes desperate to escape down my cheeks.

the article recounts the story of an elderly couple involved in a car accident on their way into town. the couple was sent to the emergency room, but it was eventually determined that they would not survive their injuries. they were then moved to a room where their beds could be close enough together to hold hands.

"'they joined hands; his right hand, her left hand,' sheets said.

gordon yeager died at 3:38 pm. he was no longer breathing, but the family was surprised by what his monitor showed.

'someone in there said, 'why, then, when we look at the monitor is the heart still beating?' sheets recalled.

'the nurse said dad was picking up mom's heartbeat through mom's hand'

'and we thought, 'oh my gosh, mom's heart is beating through him,' dennis yeager said."

...her heart was beating through him.


last night as i was caring for pete's sore feet and itchy face, i couldn't help but cry. his face was itching relentlessly and he had chewed his feet so badly that they were painfully raw. i searched him for fleas. i checked for injuries. i felt his hurried heart beat. i was determined to find out what was wrong and fix it for him. i researched online. i called his old vet in NC. i did everything short of going to a 24 hour animal hospital.

eventually though, i simply held him in my arms and rocked him gently, trying to calm his anxiety. i didn't know what to do to help him calm down but to love him, which somehow worked more than any of the other methods i attempted. eventually his heart beat slowed to a normal pace and either the itching ceased or he was too tired to fight it any longer.

today i started him on a steroid, bathed him in an awesome new dog shampoo, treated his feet, trimmed his nails and even bought a cone of shame in case he still went after his poor little feet. i don't know if it was the pill, the shampoo, treatment, or the threat of the cone, but he is itch free. he hasn't touched his feet and hasn't scratched his face this evening. he is a tired, but happy puppy again. last night, however, the only thing that would comfort him was for me to hold him close to my heart and let him feel my calm.

because sometimes there is nothing we can do for one another but share a heartbeat. i wonder if that is what gordon and norma were for each other in those last moments - a shared heartbeat, a calm spirit, a common love.

"'dad used to say that a woman is always worth waiting for,' dennis yeager said. 'dad waited an hour for her and held the door for her.'"

the bass who reads braille

church was extravagant this morning. and not in a "i can't believe they spent this much money on all of this. shouldn't we be feeding the hungry in our town?" kind of way.

the church orchestra was in rare form. it must be all the extra practices they've been holding in preparation for this weekend's performances of "jesus christ superstar".

i have two confessions. 1) i was late to church this morning and slipped into the balcony during the first hymn. 2) for the first few minutes of the service i wasn't really focused on God, as i was busy admiring the music, most especially the lively upright bass player and the strong voice of the man standing next to me.

as i watched the orchestra with awe, i couldn't help but notice something sticking out in the chorale scenery above. as my eyes scanned upward, i spotted what had been catching my eye.

the chorale is always a picture of perfection. robes hemmed at just the right length. music held at just the right angle. eyes fixed upon the musical director. standing and sitting silently together on cue.

but this week was different. there was a bass holding his music flat against his chest. at first i thought there might be an infliction of his hands, but then i saw it. his fingers were gracefully scanning the pages. he was blind.

he is blind. and yet he reads music. can you imagine the discipline that takes? i don't know that i have the determination to conquer such a quest, but from now on every time i feel like something is too difficult i will think of the bass who reads braille and recalculate my efforts.

esse quam videri

"so how are you feeling, now that you're back from your trip to north carolina? are you still glad that you took this job?" my boss asked me on thursday in our first one-on-one meeting since my return.

yes.

because my happiness in my 6 years in north carolina had very little to do with the work that i did over those years and everything to do with the people who surrounded me. conversely, my happiness in indiana has everything to do with my work and very little to do with the people here. because let's face it...i can count the friends i've met on one hand.

i am truly happy here. i am. i'm not saying that to convince myself, but to assure my faithful readers that this is not going to be a blog about how much i hate indiana. i go to work every day excited about the work i have to do. i come home every evening thrilled that i get to cook my own meals with time to spare for a good work out. for the first time in my life, my weekends are truly sabbath days to enjoy farmers markets and hiking trails and dog parks and reading books and enjoying the silence and anything else i choose to do.

and i have met some absolutely fantastic people at work who are truly wonderful women.

but then i go back to charlotte and i smile until my cheeks are sore and laugh until my belly tightens up like a corset and i struggle to breathe. i toast a beer with friends who were by my side through bad decision after bad decision, but loved me anyway. i lie in bed with two of my best friends, cuddling with their three dogs and giggling about cute mountain men and krispy kreme doughnuts. i share a meal with friends who were my family as i struggled through heartbreak, dealt with the loss of family members, spent holidays away from my parents and fought my way out of a deep depression. i talk with my old roommate and it feels like just yesterday we were packing up our house in west virginia and moving to this queen city to start a new life.

and i am reminded why north carolina will always be in my heart. because it became my home.

my friend katie and i were talking one night about a year ago that we were ready for another tattoo. i got my first tattoo shortly after meeting her and she got her first while we were living together in the village. we went through a lot during our time together. we helped each other through some really difficult times in our lives. there were a lot of reasons why we wanted to erase the north carolina chapters from our memories - horrible heartbreaks, lousy jobs and a myriad of poor decisions.

but the state was good for something - each other. north carolina had brought us into each others' lives and that was worth remembering. and i know that statement is filled to the brim with cheesiness, but it's the truth.

so we started looking for an image or a word or a symbol, something that could signify our time in north carolina and the friendship that had been created. possibilities were considered, but when we found the north carolina state motto in our research we knew exactly what our next tattoo would be.

esse quam videri.
to be rather than to seem.

the people that i spent time with in north carolina are some of the few people on this planet with whom i can truly be myself. there is no act. there are no lies. there is no awkwardness, no self-consciousness, no fear of judgment. i can just be me and know that they love me.

as i continue to build my community here in indiana, i just keep reminding myself that this community that i left behind me when i moved for this new job, well, i didn't know anyone but kara and monica when i moved there. if i can do it once, i can do it again.

and if i'm going to build that community here, then i need to remember to be myself. because acting like someone else, or faking who you are, only creates fake friendships. only when you are truly yourself can you create true community. esse quam videri.