the best lecturer

storytelling was the original lecture. before pulpits and podiums, we earned our wisdom by listening to our elders around mealtimes and fires, through stories told in poetry, prose, song and dance.

it's no wonder that some of the best modern teachers are the ones who find creative ways to incorporate passionate storytelling into their style.

i took a class on storytelling in grad school, but my fascination with educational storytelling was sparked years before when i had a history professor who modeled for me the impact storytelling can have when intentionally woven into the fabric of education.

like most college freshmen, my schedule was heavy on general ed requirements. one of those courses was a history class with dr. mahoney. of all the classes in my schedule, history was the one i dreaded most.

i wasn't a history major. and i may have worked at a historical village through high school and college, but history has never been my thing. i think the only reason i thrived at the village was because i got to immerse myself in the history and live it. my job was more about acting and crafting than it was about history itself.

i struggled with history in high school. actually, i took all of my high school history classes in summer school format. i used the excuse that my art, choral and band classes took up too much of my schedule, but another reason was that i probably would have struggled in a year-long history course. summer seemed like an easier option.

so, history in college? not something i was looking forward to. funny, then, that one of the professors i have talked about most as an alumna is dr. mahoney. his lectures were delivered so brilliantly that it felt like you were sitting in a theatre, listening to the lively dialogue and watching the scenes unfold before your eyes. at the end of class, he would end not with a reminder of homework but with a "stay tuned" message and a preview of the next chapter of our story worthy of any prime time network television drama.

dr. mahoney was the best lecturer. he had you on the edge of your seat, wondering what happened next. he made the characters come off of the page with passion and heartbreak and stupidity and valor. he made history something to care about, something to ponder, something to listen to.

even at a small private college like wesleyan, i was never close to dr. mahoney. he probably wouldn't have recognized my name or face had we run into each other on campus. we didn't connect outside of the classroom, like he did with so many of my friends and sisters. still, he had an impact on my life. what a testimony to his dedication to teaching and his passion for connecting students with the stories of our past.

i was saddened to hear that this world has lost one of the greatest storytellers. in the wind tonight, you'll hear a distant whisper. you may think its mourning students grieving the loss of a beloved teacher, but if you listen closely you'll instead hear the telling of a story. you'll hear those of us who had the pleasure of learning from him sharing the story of a man who taught us the art of telling the stories worth sharing and inspiring us to live our own stories worth being told.

playing pretend

as a child, most of my playtime involved playing pretend.

when i played with legos, i wasn't just building structures - i was building the stage for my stories. when i played with american girl dolls and barbies, i wasn't dressing them up and fixing their hair - i was dressing them appropriately for the next scene of the play.

after all these years, i'm still playing pretend.
i think a lot of us do.

like when i let the near stranger hold my hand as we walk down the hall. or when i close my eyes as he kisses my forehead goodbye. just to have one small moment of intimacy with another being.

but it's a false intimacy.
we're playing pretend.

because to me, holding a hand means that i'm yours. it means that i'm not alone. that you're journeying beside me, facing what's around the next corner with me.

and a kiss on the forehead? that means that you know my insecurities and you love me anyway. it means that you know my struggle as well as my strength.

in purest form, these cannot truly be shared with strangers.

i can assume that some of you are thinking, "wow, havs - these are pretty innocent interactions and you're placing far too much weight on them."

maybe i am. maybe you and i are different. and that's okay. for me, though, holding a hand is more intimate than any other touch, kissing a forehead more intimate than any other embrace.

so when we play this age-old game of pretend, we fake the intimacy we desire. like if i let him hold my hand, maybe i can forget for a moment that this will be short-lived and i'll be on my own again in a few quick hours. 

i've come a long way since playing with dolls as a child,
but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever stop playing pretend.

30 beliefs for 30 years

at 26, the list was best memories.
at 27, favorite gifts.
at 28, my most influential mentors.
at 29, a list of 30 things i wanted to accomplish before i turned 30.

i'm still reporting on those 30 things, but it's time for this year's list: 30 things i believe.

1. i believe in the power of positivity.
2. i believe that the love from our pets may be the closest tangible example of God's love for us.
3. i believe that people can change lives, even if journeys only cross for a moment.
4. i believe in a Creator who delights in creation and in those who join in creating goodness in this world.
5. i believe in friendships that last a lifetime.
6. i believe that french kiss is still one of the best movies of all time.
7. i believe that we are meant to live in community with one another.
8. i believe in Jesus as the Christ who came to teach us the timeless message of truly serving others.
9. i believe in equality for all.
10. i believe that the world would be a better place if women were truly afforded the same opportunities as their male counterparts.
11. i believe that our wrinkles tell the stories of our lives.
12. i believe that we have become too anonymous, and that this is extremely dangerous.
13. i believe that the privileged have a responsibility to speak for those who cannot be heard.
14. i believe that we must do more than speak, if we ever want progress.
15. i believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
16. i believe in love that transcends all reason.
17. i believe that the only epic concerts are the ones where the artists tell their stories.
18. i believe that my mother makes the absolute best cheesecake in the world.
19. i believe in authenticity.
20. i believe that painting your walls a different color can change the essence of a room.
21. i believe that knowledge is power, but that power doesn't equal greatness.
22. i believe in soul mates, although they come in many different forms.
23. i believe that music transforms those who silence themselves long enough to listen.
24. i believe in family.
25. i believe that we are better than the mediocrity we've become accustomed to.
26. i believe that history repeats itself.
27. i believe in grace.
28. i believe that one day the church will figure it out.
29. i believe in you.
30. i believe in me.

30.b4.30 read all about it

the next category of items on the list i'd like to write about are the books. 

"a truly good book teaches me better than to read it. i must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. what i began by reading, i must finish by acting." ~ henry david thoreau

reading changes us. it causes us to think, it sparks curiosity and it takes us to places we may never get to visit. reading reminds us that the world does not, in fact, revolve around our puny little lives. reading helps us to remember that there is a big world out there, and that there will always be more to learn.

so i included some reading on my list:
4) read an auto/biography
8) read the 4th book in the maze runner series (don't judge me)
21) read lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis"
28) read all of the unread books on my shelves

and i even included some writing:
26) get published (check.)
30) journal about these 30 things and my attempts to succeed (check. check.)

how did i do? well, there are no unread books left on my shelves and i read mindy kaling's autobiography is everyone hanging out without me (and other concerns). it was fantastic. the fact that she jokes about it being a second-rate bossypants only pushes it even closer to tina fey's brilliance.

i've already written about reading the kill order, but i haven't shared much about lauren winner's still: notes on a mid-faith crisis. there were just too many take-aways. this is a book that came into my life at just the right time.

some of my favorite quotes:

"some days i am not sure if my faith is riddled with doubt 
or whether, graciously, my doubt is riddled with faith...
i doubt; i am uncertain; i am restless, prone to wander. 
and yet glimmers of holy keep interrupting my gaze." p. xiv

"i am torn in two but i will conquer myself. i will dig up the pride. 
i will take scissors and cut out the beggar. 
i will take a crowbar and pry out the broken pieces of God in me. 
how many pieces? it feels like thousands." 
p. 24 (anne sexton poem)

"sometimes the reshaping is not big, not audible; 
not a move, a marriage, a child, a heroic change of course. 
sometimes it is only here inside, how you make sense of things. 
sometimes it is only about who you know yourself to be." p. 32

"the point, i think, is that you can't simply pursue God in the desert; 
you must also begin to pursue yourself." p. 56

"i start to suspect that the reason my christian life hasn't completely conked out 
is that even when i am not praying, other people pray for me, on my behalf...
their prayers the blood running through my own shutting-down veins." p. 68

"from deep in the tradition, from 'the cloud of unknowing', 
a fourteenth-centrury text from an unnamed english monk: '
you only need a tiny scrap of time to move toward God.' 
...it seems that scraps are all i have to bring forward." p. 108

"even on the days when i don't believe in God, i still will tell you that one night, 
while sitting in church, i heard God's voice, naming a resurrection of sorts, 
telling me i could stay." p. 149

"'what you promise when you are confirmed,' said julian's father, 
'is not that you will believe this forever. 
what you promise when you are confirmed 
is that that is the story you will wrestle with forever.'" p. 172

"i have heard that many of us sojourn in the middle for a long, long time; 
that we have many middles; that we keep meeting and making new middles...
and i have heard that some people eventually leave the middle and arrive at an end. 
i have heard that this end is a place of wisdom, of beatitude. 
i have heard it is a place of unself-consciousness. 
i have heard there is a lot of give in the fabric there." p. 195

and there was the kicker:

"it is easier to read about prayer than to pray...sometimes i think that all this reading gets in the way, that the books become excuses, something to do in lieu of praying." ~ p. 75

i had spent my entire adult life (and most of my teenage years too) studying what it meant to be a christian. i had devoted my life and my career to studying prayers and liturgies and scripture and hymns and sermons. so it shouldn't have been a surprise that two years ago when i decided to switch careers and leave the world of professional ministry behind that i found myself lost.

i had never really learned just to be christian (or maybe i just forgot along the way). i had spent too much time studying it.

after finishing the book, i quit reading anything having to do with theology or christian spiritual practices. i set aside everything that might distract me from being instead of studying. and though i wouldn't say that i found myself at 'the end' lauren writes about, i do believe that i found my way out of this particular middle in my journey. i'm sure there will be many more middles in the future, but for now i'm enjoying a sense of belonging to a faith community and a sense of purpose in my identity as a Christ-follower.

30.b4.30 reclaiming my creativity

as my thirtieth birthday quickly approaches, i find it time to report out on how i've done with my list of 30 things i would accomplish before turning 30 years old.

one of the purposes of the list was to spark my creativity once again. there was a time in my life when painting and sketching and sculpting and crafting were the primary medium through which i expressed the inner thoughts of this introvert. eventually, i found writing. and while writing takes less tools, less space and less preparation or forethought, there's something about the visual arts that still pulls at me.

"the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls." ~ pablo picasso

from the list...
3) paint something and hang it in my home
14) finish the afghan i began knitting in 2005

18) buy pencils and crack open my old sketch book
19) complete my map art project

how did i do? well, i've committed to going to a painting class with three of my friends and we've even already purchased the tickets. the afghan is progressing. i anticipate finishing it by christmas. pencils were purchased and i started sketching again. until pete tried to eat the pencils... and the map project? complete!

so, did i check everything off of the list? no. but i have reclaimed my creativity. and i've reclaimed the vulnerability that comes with being a creator.

part of my struggle with the visual arts is that when i put that paint brush to canvas, well, there's a chance that what i try to create won't turn out the way i envision it. there's a chance when i put that pencil to paper that i'll mess up and not be able to erase the imperfection so completely that others won't see it. there's a chance that it won't be perfect. there's a chance that people might realize that i'm not perfect.

"creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. art is knowing which ones to keep." ~ scott adams 

there's a deep vulnerability that comes with creating something and inviting others to see and potentially scrutinize your creation, because the mistakes i'm ready to live with or even put on display may not be the mistakes that others can forgive.

i wonder if that's how the Creator sees me.
maybe i'm a mistake worth keeping.

apologies

we've had a lot of public apologies lately, and alan chambers and paula deen probably top the list of unaccepted apologies.

alan is the president of exodus international, a conservative ministry and leader of the ex-gay movement which in many ways coined the term "pray away the gay". finally, after many years of utilizing anti-gay therapy that was deemed ineffective and ultimately detrimental by the american psychological association years ago, the organization has offered a public apology and shut its doors.

paula has been under fire after being accused of and admitting to racist language and business practices. she has publicly apologized, but this hasn't seemed to slow down her sponsors from severing ties and her ex-fans from sharing their disappointment on social media. some celebrities have come out in her defense, but most are letting the media slash her into pieces.

so, did alan and paula apologize wrong? what makes an apology believable? what makes a person forgivable?

a couple of years ago i was looking for this answer. i had just had an argument with a friend, and she thought that she had apologized but i didn't feel like it was an acceptable apology. i just couldn't accept it and i didn't know why. that's when i discovered the five apology languages.

the five apology languages are:
1. expressing regret
2. accepting responsibility
3. making restitution
4. genuinely repenting
5. requesting forgiveness

my friend kept expressing regret, but accepted no responsibility. in looking back, this made perfect sense. if she had taken the apology profile, i'm sure that expressing regret would be at the top of her list, meaning that it was her preferred apology method. that's how she wanted to be apologized to and how she apologized to others. i, on the other hand, scored highest in accepting responsibility. for an apology to feel genuine and be accepted, i needed to hear that she understood what she had done wrong.

the issue wasn't about whether or not i could forgive her for what she had done. sure, she hurt me. she disappointed me. she humiliated me. my issue was with her apology. until she accepted responsibility for her actions, i wondered whether or not she really understood why i was upset.

so, what makes an apology believable? unfortunately, there is no magic answer. although public relations experts surely gave both alan and paula a long list of dos and don'ts to offer the perfect apology, both apologies have been left largely unaccepted. i think it depends on the harm that has been done, the person who is apologizing and the person(s) receiving the apology.

the first step is knowing that an apology is warranted, regardless of what language is used. knowing your apology language and recognizing that others may be different can surely help too.

and what makes a person forgivable? thankfully, in the eyes of the Redeemer, no person, word or deed is unforgivable. we are all imperfect and we all need forgiveness now and then. thank God for grace...

"but sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. when it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down." ~ romans 5.20 the message

one day maybe humanity will learn to give grace the way God does.

flying in the rain

i was standing in the doorway, watching the rain fall heavy against the pavement, bouncing off of cars and digging into the dirt. it was a dark and gloomy scene, leaving no room for hope.

then i saw the birds.

a small flock of small birds flying through the seemingly unending storm.

did you know that birds' feathers are oily, which repels water and keeps it from weighing them down?

it's like the Creator knew that they would face the rain, now and again, and intentionally designed them to be resilient.

i'm praying for the birds tonight.
may they weather the storm
and find dry land.

30.b4.30 join something

it's taken a couple of years, but indianapolis is finally becoming home. i have a few favorite restaurants,
some really great friends and i've found myself a quiet little routine of life.

finding a church was at the top of my list of things to do when i moved here and i was lucky to find one fairly quickly. after a few months, i became a member. a few months after that and i was volunteering with the youth ministry. unfortunately, a year and a half later, i still hadn't found my place. i loved volunteering with the youth, but outside of the youth ministry staff i hadn't really met any other young professionals. i still felt pretty anonymous.

don't get me wrong - i craved the anonymity at the beginning. it was nice - worshiping every sunday without anyone knowing me, anyone talking to me, anyone asking anything of me, anyone expecting anything from me. this was a welcome change from the decade of working every weekly worship service.

the anonymity was great at first, but as time went on it just made me feel empty and alone. the whole point of worship is to live out our faith together as the body of Christ. we can praise God on our own. we can sing songs of worship in our cars. we can pray as we breathe. worship, though, worship brings us together in communion not only with God, but with each other.

i craved communion with a congregation.
and i hadn't found it.

truth be told, i hadn't really tried. i looked at small groups and sunday school offerings, but not much interested me. more than that, the things that did interest me were held during the day during the work week. this told me that either the groups were made up of stay at home moms or retirees. i'm neither.

so, this lent, the church implemented dozens of small groups centered around the sermon series. no reading required. just go to church on sunday to hear the sermon, then show up at your small group to discuss. a small group was offered for "twenty-somethings" and i signed up. i figured that it would only last 5 weeks and i could commit to anything for 5 weeks. if it wasn't a good fit, it would be over soon enough - no harm no foul.

those 5 weeks are over now, and it's hard to believe that our small group began as a collection of individual strangers. our first night together was timid and felt somewhat rehearsed. we have since made some real connections and are planning movie nights and dinners and kayak trips and service projects for the future.

and for the first time in two years, i'm no longer anonymous.

what does it mean to be christian?

"christians are supposed to represent Christ to the world. but according to the latest report card, something has gone terribly wrong. using descriptions like “hypocritical,” “insensitive,” and “judgmental,” young americans share an impression of christians that’s nothing short of . . . unChristian." ~ unChristian by david kinnaman and gabe lyons

no wonder people are against us.

but what are we doing to change this perception?

i'm here to say that although some people would want us to believe that christians have all of the answers, we don't. the truth is that christians are messy. life is messy, so it's only natural that we are too.

the most christian people i know are the ones who are honest about their messiness and allow God to work with them through the muck and mire. they don't give me any of that "we are a flawed people and through God i am made pure" / all life's a bunch of daisies and glitter pretension. instead, they say "look, sometimes life sucks. sometimes it's my fault and sometimes it's just the way the chips fell. but i have faith that God is with me every step of forging a way through this, even though sometimes i ignore or forget it."

some of the most christian people i know have struggled with compulsive lying, with substance abuse, with eating disorders, with insecurities that led them down roads of false fulfillment through superficial popularity at the cost of true personal connection in their lives. now, i don't want this to sound like you can only really be christian if you've struggled with something significant. that's simply not the truth. i just think that when you've struggled with something really difficult in your life, at some point you've had to be really honest with yourself in order to steal the reigns away from that struggle. i think it means that you know a thing or two about true honesty and transparency, and that is something i believe to be essential to christianity.

some of the most christian people i know simply do not fit into the nicely packaged image of what some
would expect of us. they wrestle with God, like jacob. they question God, like the psalmist. they're messy.

i'm messy. (but maybe not in the good way.) and right now i need a lot of prayer. prayer for wisdom. prayer for discernment. prayer for acceptance. prayer for determination. prayer for courage. prayer for understanding. because God and i...we're wrestling.

"jacob wrestles with god" by grace carol bomer

musical trip down memory lane

songs always take me places. they typically send me down memory lane. today, it was a song from the new tv show nashville:

"boys and buses got a lot in common
they both pick up speed when you try to stop 'em
you could waste your breath
you could scream and cuss 'em
but there's no use chasing after boys and buses."
~nashville

my first kiss was on the back of a school bus.

it was in the middle of a day-long band competition and we walked back to the empty bus to retrieve something forgotten. (eh, in all honesty it was probably just a lame excuse to be alone together.) i don't remember much, except that it was ridiculously awkward and, instead of thinking about how cute he was or how my first real kiss was actually happening, i wondered the whole time if we were doing it right.

yeah, boys and buses, we have a long history.

i don't see too many buses these days. my city is definitely lacking in the public transit department.
and boys? well, boys continue to come and go and all these years later i still haven't learned how to live in the moment and enjoy life. i'm still wondering if we're doing it right.

30.b4.30 west coast

yes folks, i traveled to the west coast. months ago. many months ago, actually. but i didn't have much to say about it, so i didn't write.

i didn't have much to say about putting my feet in the pacific because it didn't feel any different than putting my feet in the atlantic.

i had all of these ideas about what the west coast would be like. it would be so different from the east coast i had experienced so often, especially over my past ten years of visiting the likes of charleston and wilmington on a regular basis. but it wasn't... it was exactly the same, lined with an eclectic mix of trendy hot spots, shady hole-in-the-walls and overpriced tourist shops.

my high expectations were disappointed and i stood there with my bare feet in the cold salty water begrudgingly thinking about what a disaster it would be trying to dry my feet of the water and sand enough to put my shoes back on.

the fact is that the grass always looks greener on the other side. the other fact (that we don't always hear) is that it's the same damn grass.

have you ever experienced a time when something you thought would be totally different turned out being more similar than dissimilar? like the relationship that would be stronger or the job that would be more satisfying, until you realize that the new relationship still lacks depth due to your constant struggle with poor self-image and the job is still taking over your life because you fail to set appropriate boundaries in order to create sustainable work-life balance.

yeah, me too.

the many faces of God

"do you realize how many people who love you you're going to see over the next week?" katie said when i finished sharing about the busy week i'll be experiencing starting on friday. i hadn't thought about it that way, but she was right. from childhood besties to family to coworkers to college buddies to sorority sisters and interfraternal friends, i have a packed week full of spending time with people who love me.

i am truly so very, very blessed.

in his book "the road to daybreak", henri nouwen states that “when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

those are the kind of people in my life. people who have surrounded me with love and support - through the mountaintops, through the valleys, through the questions, the fears and the celebrations. they stay with me and face life with me.

i have a friend for every letter of the alphabet. i even have friends for the hard-to-find q or z. and there is nothing that i could ever do to earn this love. the love my friends share with me is as free as it is unconditional. it comes without expectation, without stipulation, without exception.

in my friends i see the many faces of God. through their loving, i find the Great Comfort. through their challenging, i find the Master Teacher. through their humor, i find the Ultimate Storyteller. through their passion, i find the God of Justice and through their constancy, i find The Great I AM.

if it is true that we are made in God's image, then surely the Creator and Sustainer is truly beautiful. so tonight i pray for these beautiful friends of mine - for each person by name - and i thank God for the privilege of being in their lives and the blessing to have them in mine.

our first fight

things i wish i could help you to hear:

1) you are loved.

2) you are beautiful.

3) you are intelligent.

4) you are talented.

5) you have impeccable taste.

6) you have an eye for talent in others.

7) you are inspirational.

8) you affirm others.

9) you affirm me.

10) if you could even be half as affirming of yourself as you are of others, the doubt you experience might dissipate.

11) i fear that the distrust you are feeling toward others is a manifestation of your lack of trust in yourself.

12) even though i may challenge you, my respect for your emotions and your decisions are rooted in love and affirmation.

13) i will always accept you for you.

14) always.

gotcha day

three years ago, i met the love of my life. i saw a photo of him in an email from a friend of a friend, advertising that they had picked up a stray dog on the streets of charlotte and were looking for a permanent home for the pup.

i ran down to my friend becca's office. "should i respond to the email?"

we talked about budgets and schedules and how dogs change your life, and in the end, we decided i should call and find out more about the dog.

so i did. and we met. and i fell in love instantly. the smiths said that they would not be sending the dog home with anyone just yet, that they wanted to pray about it and wanted to get the dog fixed.

on the drive home, i asked becca if i should adopt him. she said that if i didn't, she would.

so i prayed about it for a few days, then called the smiths to schedule a pick up. they sent me home with the love my life, a huge bag of food, a few toys and wouldn't accept anything in return but a simple "thank you".

and that is the story of adopting the dog who would become "pete", the best thing that ever happened to me.

we've had our ups.

and we've had our downs.  

but over the past three years we have become the best of friends. even mr. darcy has accepted him into our family.

whoever said that diamonds were a girl's best friend clearly never had a dog.

so, for "gotcha day" this year i decided to make pete some homemade treats. i saw it on pinterest, with a photo and a link to a super cute blog. i followed the recipe on the blog, but made a few substitutions, since pete is allergic to so much.

Pete's Peanut Butter Bones

Ingredients:
1 cup organic brown rice flour
1 cup quick oats
1/2 T baking powder
1/2 cup organic creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup 1% milk
3 T unsweetened applesauce

step 1 - combine all dry ingredients
step 2 - add wet ingredients and mix well
step 3 - roll out dough to 1/2 inch thick
step 4 - cut treats and place on baking stone
step 5 - bake for 20 minutes at 350, or until golden brown
step 6 - because these don't have all the preservatives of store bought treats, be sure to store them in an airtight container

pete LOVED them. he followed me around all night, trying to earn another!

since he loved them so much, and because they won't last forever without preservatives, we decided to package some for our fluffy friends.

happy gotcha day, pete. some say that i saved you, but you and i both know that you saved me.

love lessons

(bliss = lounging at grandma and grandpa's)

love lessons i've learned from my dog:

1. he kisses all my tears away. if i am crying, pete is sure to be at my side, kissing every tear from my face. he's taught me that love cannot erase the hurt i experience through life, but the one who loves me will be by my side, swallowing every tear with me until i'm ready to stand again.

2. he interrupts my couch office time. like most of you, it's not uncommon for work to come home with me. when it does, i set up office on the couch. pete hates this. sometimes he desperately tries to distract me away from the work only to give up and curl up next to me. the times when he carries his rawhide bones and drops them at my feet, though? well, i simply can't resist. i take a break, pick up the bone and we play. he's taught me that no matter the deadline or the project or the pressure, there's always time to share life with the one you love by doing that which makes them happiest.

3. he forgets to eat. my parents make fun of me, but sometimes i have to hand feed pete's food to him. it's the only way he'll actually eat it. he's taught me that love is about giving and receiving - just as he cares for me, sometimes i have to be the comforter and encourager.

4. he wants to make me happy. years ago, pete spent three weeks with a trainer, then he was returned to me and we continued training together for several more weeks. our trainer was astonished at how acutely pete's emotions were connected to my own. if i was happy, pete was happy. if i was upset, pete was upset. you can really see every emotion in his sweet face. training pete was not difficult, because he desperately wanted me to be happy with him. he's taught me that when you love someone, you pay attention to their emotions, that sometimes you can only be happy if the other is too.

5. he sometimes scratches me. he's even been known to draw blood. he doesn't mean to. he still has so much puppy energy that we simply haven't figured out the balance between playtime and every other minute of the day. he's taught me that getting to know someone else takes time, and even years down the road you're still learning where the lines are drawn.

6. he has a short memory. pete is in his crate every day while i am at the office, and sometimes i get home from work only to return him to the crate so i can go shopping or meet up with friends. i hate this. i hate that i don't trust him in the apartment alone and that i can't afford those awesome doggy daycare places. and let's not forget that there have been days when i have simply forgotten to give him his allergy pills, until he's scratching his belly raw as we're going to bed. and yet, he forgives me every time. he's taught me that when you love someone, you work together to be better beings and to better care for one another; and when one of you fails, you respond with grace.

the dress that defied gravity

“that dress defies gravity.” when he finally decided to talk to me, this is what he said.

the dress did exactly what it was supposed to do: grab his attention and show him what is no longer his.

i have no idea what defying gravity has to do with a dress, but it was clear that he meant it as the highest of compliments. it was said dozens of times throughout the night. and each time, the wall i built between my head and my heart crumbled and the line between good and evil blurred.

the woman who caught his attention with her fabulous style and radiating confidence was reduced to the girl who melted every time his eyes caught hers.

and his wasn’t the only attention caught. another old flame was in the room that night and he had words for the dress as well. he gave me a mouthful.

apparently the best parts about me when we were (almost/kinda/sorta) together have magnified over the years. apparently indianapolis has been good to me. apparently i have a new confidence that is intoxicating. apparently he always wanted to be with me, but that he figured it out too late and i had already moved on to [former flame mentioned above]. apparently they have always fought over me. apparently they were fighting for my attention all night. apparently he felt like he was winning. apparently our kiss back in college was epic.

apparently he felt that he was never good enough for me. apparently he felt that i never chose him.

interesting. because i never thought i was good enough for him. never good enough for either of them. and i chose them every time in the past. every single time. they simply never chose me.

their attention was addictive. i ate it up when i should have walked away.



at the end of the night, one begged for a kiss.
at the end of the night, i refused.

in the morning, the other sent a text asking to rekindle the past.
in the morning, i cried, wondering if i would ever experience a love worth rekindling.
wondering if i would ever experience a love that needed no rekindling because it actually lasted.

wondering if i'll ever be the somebody that somebody chooses.