like a tsunami, the feeling rushed over me leaving nothing but agony and confusion in its wake. the waves of fear and doubt pulled me down to the depths of hell, laughing as they pinned me to the ocean floor. they knew they could hold me there. they knew i wouldn't fight it.
i let the exhaustion sink in fully. i shrunk into myself and let go of the facade that had told everyone else i was holding it together. i could no longer believe the lie myself.
and then... i wept.
Jesus did that (at least) once. Jesus wept. shortest verse in the bible, "Jesus wept."
many men and women much smarter than me have studied the theological significance of that sentence; but as i try to find the words to describe what happened tonight as i sat in my car, alone in the target parking lot...all i can come up with is a simple sentence. all the words in the english language can't paint the picture more accurately.
i wept.
and the waves that had threatened to bury me beneath the ocean floor poured out as tears flooding down my cheeks and neck, drenching my scarf as if i had danced outside in a rainstorm.
but my mascara didn't run. because instead of investing in my spirit these days, i purchase high-end products that will effectively protect the mask i still wear despite the growing evidence that it just isn't worth it anymore.
maybe it never was.
