how do you tell someone you've known you're whole adult life that he is the one you want to come home to every night?
i've had a crush on him for years. probably since we first became friends. on more dramatic days, i would tell you that i've loved him since i first saw him. i don't necessarily think that's true, but a crush...well, i'll own up to that.
i wonder sometimes how my life might be different if i actually found the courage to tell him. would he feel the same way? would it be some fairy tale ending like you see in movies? or would it be the end of a cherished friendship. is the possible bliss worth risking years of friendship?
once, when i shared my little secret with a mutual friend, he responded with utter surprise. he had no idea. this made me question my approach. all of these years i have held myself back, worried that i would flirt too much or get too comfortable and he would discover how i feel and it would ruin what we have. maybe i've held back too much...
or maybe not. maybe there is a reason why i've never really pursued this dream. maybe deep down i know that he doesn't feel the same way. or maybe deep down i know that it wouldn't work, even if he did.
my old friends would tell you that i was quite the bold girl and that i always went for what i wanted. friends today who didn't know me then would tell you that i'm quiet, reserved, polite... what happened over the past 8 years? now, i would never dream of making the first move. the fear of rejection is just too strong.
still, i can't help but wonder "what if"...
and so, tonight, with the thunder quaking and with my windows noisily trembling in fear, i'm sending my soul out into the cosmos and asking my Creator for some sense of a sign. because it's been too long.
it's not like i haven't dated or that i've been sitting around waiting for him to get a clue. i just feel like i need to either go for it, or give it up for good. thoughts?
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