i don't sleep much these days. i wish i could say that i try, but the best argument that i can find is that i've been in bed since 11pm. that was over three hours ago. maybe if it weren't for this computer in front of me and the textbook in my lap, i would have fallen asleep sooner. but maybe not.
i get into these phases where my mind constantly runs through my to-do list - "finish reading chapter 10 of world religions, read chapter 9-11 of the old testament textbook, skim desuteronomy, vaccuum the upstairs of the house, move all of my toiletries from the shower before the maintenance guys come to rip it out and put in a new one, get the clothes out of the dryer (but not before i fluff them again so they're not all wrinkly, of course), pack my bag for charlotte tomorrow, and let's not forget the absolute "must" of checking my school e-mail account to see if there are any e-mails about the incidents this weekend."
add to that my constant need to repeatedly go over my schedule for the next day - "wake up, shower, pack up computer, eat some breakfast, go into the office, meeting, take my car to get the oil changed at 10am, leave from there for charlotte, call andrew on the drive, pick up gift cards for student activities event at target, class 2pm-5pm, dinner, class 6pm-9pm, drive home, call rich on the drive, come home and begin homework for class next week."
no matter how hard i try i can't seem to make it stop. i like to dream that if i could get through my to-do list completely that i could stop and fall asleep then, but there are just not enough hours in the day. every day it's the same thing. even today...i woke up to the phone calls of student concerns. spent the morning on the phone for work, went to an ultimate frisbee match because i promised students i would be there to support them, then drove to huntersville for refugee Bible study, stayed only an hour before making the hour-long drive back here for a sports chaplain meeting. then spent the rest of the night here, on my bed, trying to read and relax and get through a few more things on my to-do list for the day.
today is supposed to be the sabbath. what happened? a week or so ago someone asked me when i took sabbath. i looked at them with astonishment... who takes sabbath anymore? i sure don't.
i need to.
i really need to.
i am losing my wits far too quickly and i'm having trouble admitting it to anyone. i somehow make it through each day, but i am hanging on by a thinly shredded thread. one of these days i'm going to crash and burn.
my body and my spirit simply can't keep up with this fast-paced life. i am racing toward this unattainable goal each and every week - "as soon as i get through this week, i'll be fine. next week i can start to really live my life." it never happens.
all summer i told myself that if i could just take on a little more coursework this year that i could finish my masters by may and be DONE. that if i could just get through this year, then i will have made it. after may, my life can calm down and i can begin to take sabbath again. right now, it's just not an option.
i have been cruelly lying to myself.
1) running myself into the ground now will do nothing positive for my future. it will only stunt my growth.
2) just because i finish grad school does not mean that my life will slow down or that i won't fill that vacant time with something else that keeps me busy. knowing me, i will do just that.
and so, tonight, as i lie in this bed surrounded by notebooks and textbooks and even this laptop, i make a new household rule: my bed is for relaxing and sleeping. no books. no computers. no paperwork. no NOTHING except this body and my fabulously fluffy pillows. i am retaking this space for ME.
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