"tis' the season to be jolly, so why am i so melancholy?"
(i feel like that's in a song somewhere...but maybe i'm making it up)
today my boss invited me into his office. he asked me to shut the door and sit down for a minute. i of course followed his wishes. what came next, i was not prepared for. he said, "is everything okay? i feel like you have been sad lately."
my soul ached as i heard the words leave his lips. i felt like i was in one of those made-for-tv-movies in the moment when the music swells and the camera pans out as the parents stage an intervention with the teenage girl and her long-time eating disorder.
the truth is that i am not sad at all. i have had a beautiful week. i finished my classes for the semester, caught up on projects that have been haunting me for months, even cleared out my e-mail inbox for the first time since i took on the new job. this has been a very good week!
so why does my boss find me to be sad? why is my disposition not matching my emotion?
i don't have an answer...
what i do have, though, is a christmas card from my aunt jeanne before she passed away. i have no idea how old this card is, but i uncovered it tonight as i looked through a box of old cards and letters to search for friends' addresses so i could send out christmas cards. i opened the card to the familiar writing and the even more familiar phrase, "candles for all at mass tonight. pray for me, too."
my aunt was a devout catholic and always lit candles for people. she made a point of telling you when she did and also telling you when she prayed for you. lots of people do that, but few ask for prayer for themselves. she always did. every time i called her to thank her for the birthday money or the card in college she would tell me she was praying for me and then she would ask me to pray for her. every phone call. every card.
it's easy to tell someone that you are praying for them. although i have a friend who gets annoyed when someone tells them that they are praying for him. he says that it is undermining his own beliefs and it seems like laughing in his face for not sharing the same faith. whatever your intention, it's easy to tell someone what you're doing on their behalf and then walk away ignorantly without ever hearing what they have to say or hear what they believe. it's an act of vulnerability and an act of courage to ask someone to pray for you. in that simple act we admit that we don't have it all together and that we, too, need some help. in that act we also challenge our brothers and sisters to join us in our faith. for me, aunt jeanne's words were a constant reminder to stay in regular contact with my Maker.
maybe that's what russ was really asking when he called me into his office this morning. maybe the question wasn't just "is everything okay?" maybe the real question was "is there anything i can pray about for you?"
maybe my disposition hasn't been the best because i haven't been really faithful in my prayer life lately. sure, i say my daily prayers. but i haven't been in real conversation with God. i've thanked the Creator for my many blessings and i've asked for those blessings to be extended to my neighbors in the specific ways that they need, but i haven't really spent time with God. that changes now.
so tonight, in the dark midnight hour as i light a candle in memory of an incredible aunt and prepare for prayer, i ask you to please "pray for me, too".
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