1) he hates the rain.
2) he whimpers and kicks in his sleep.
3) his leg spontaneously shakes uncontrollably.
as i sat on the couch to do some work this afternoon, pete curled up next me and instantly fell fast asleep. as usual, once he hit the really deep sleep he started twitching, kicking and whimpering through what appears to be a horrible nightmare. he looks just like the dogs in old cartoons.
it makes me think...what is he dreaming of? what happened to him before the smiths rescued him and he came into my life? i sometimes joke that he was in a dog gang protecting the streets of charlotte, but the truth is that i'll never know. was he abused? was he neglected? was he a doggy pimp? who knows...
sometimes i let myself get lost in the wondering and i feel horrible. why does he whimper? why does he flinch when i pet him and he doesn't see me coming? why does his leg shake when he's just sitting in front of me? i want to know who hurt him and i want to give them a piece of my mind.
the same applies to people. i look to the people in my life - their quirks and the decisions they make. what's their "why"? what happened to them to make them this way? i want to know who hurt them and give them a piece of my mind.
my friend chuq asked me a few years ago, "what happened to you?". i used to be so confident and positive. now i'm hesitant and cynical. my response was vague: "life happened." but i can pinpoint the moments, situations, individuals and relationships that shaped the person i have become, quirks and all.
i have been blessed with some wonderful friends in my life. last night i spoke with one such friend. she has been going through a lot of the same things as me over the past couple years. there are similarities in our stories: disappointments which have altered our path, men who have bruised our spirit, relationships that have changed our very being.
we've been on a long road, this past year or so, to be better versions of ourselves. to be more confident, more faithful, more honest, with others and (more importantly) with ourselves. we are learning more about ourselves and why we make the choices we do, why we have become the people we are, and changing our thoughts and behaviors accordingly.
last night, she called me to talk through her experiences throughout the evening. she had a breakthrough. a major breakthrough, although she probably wasn't thinking of it like that at the time. she made decisions congruent with her values, and that's too often more difficult than it should be for all of us. she stayed true to the person she is becoming instead of falling back into old habits. it may sound trite, but i could not have been more proud of her in that moment.
she's not who she was.
this was a huge step. not just for her, but for me too. what she didn't know at the time, was that she was giving me the courage to do the same that night.
i may never know why pete cries and trembles in his sleep, just as i will never know the complete history of every person i meet. i will never know their reasons, i'll never know their "why". i can only try to understand myself better, recognizing the causes of my own intricacies. then work to become that better version of myself, i talked about earlier.
i'm making progress. i'm not quite there yet, but i'm not who i was.
"i wish you could see me now
i wish i could show you how
i'm not who i was
i used to be mad at you
a little on the hurt side too
but i'm not who i was
i found my way around
to forgiving you
some time ago
but i never got to tell you so
well the thing i find most amazing
in amazing grace
is the chance to give it out
maybe that's what love is all about
i wish you could see me now
i wish i could show you how
i'm not who i was"
~ brandon heath - i'm not who i was
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