a bad memory leads to bad decisions

i've never had a good memory. my mind simply can't hold on to old conversations, stories, movies or experiences.

my teachers were often disappointed in my seeming lack of retention. my parents lament the fact that i remember only a few details from our early family vacations. my friends hate that i never can remember the tears i've cried over you.

this week, as i welcomed your attention once more, two friends somberly tried to remind me of a time when i wept in their laps over you. i didn't have the heart to tell them that i couldn't remember it. i am sure that it happened. i know well enough to trust their memories over my own.

i remember clearly what caused the tears, but not the crying itself. i can imagine where my heart went in the moment. i probably questioned my worth. i probably doubted my strength. i probably desperately attempted bargaining with God to sever the ties that bound my heart to you.

it's a vicious cycle, this blissful ignorance then inevitable remembrance. because i can't remember the pain from your last leaving, i all too easily fall into your web of charm and wit when you reemerge after lying dormant for months or years. worse yet, i crave it. i invite it. i encourage it.

on most occasions, at least one of us realizes that you plus me equals trouble and we pull away before anyone (me) gets hurt. but sometimes, sometimes i let myself get a little too comfortable. i watch my phone, waiting for your next text. once again, i become the girl i swore i'd never be.

you used to tell me that i deserved better than anything you could offer me. you were right. i always knew you were right. i still know it. and yet, i can't quit. you're like an addiction.