right in front of his eyes

mom wanted to try an enticing new recipe for marmalade glazed carrots for thanksgiving this year and i was put in charge of cutting the carrots. pete anxiously sat next to me as i cut carrot after carrot.

as i worked at the cutting board on the counter, a carrot fell to the ground. pete didn't notice. he was zeroed in on the pile of cut carrots on the cutting board.

so i tried getting his attention by saying his name. "pete." "pete!" "PETE!"
he didn't even blink.

then i tried pointing at the carrot with my toe (my hands were busy with the knife and carrots). you can imagine a lazy ballerina practicing her battement tendus.
he did nothing.

finally i tried giving him a little nudge with my foot. even mom tried coaxing him to the carrot. still, he wouldn't break his gaze on the mound of carrots that were out of his reach on the counter.

he was so focused on the pile that would never be his, that he didn't notice the little piece of heaven just under his nose.

i'm like that too sometimes.

are you? what happiness is right in front of your eyes that you've been missing?

grace

"for meat and drink, we thank Thee Lord
who stand round this fraternal board.
grant that our sisters everywhere
in Thy full grace and bounty share."
~ the alpha gamma delta grace

oftentimes, when we speak of "grace" we are talking about the undeserved forgiving love one has for another. the grace we say before a meal is different. it has been shortened from the word "graces", which is from the latin "gratiarum actio" or the italian "grazie", meaning thanksgiving or thanks.

the history of saying grace goes far back into history. for christians, we see Christ model breaking bread and giving thanks for it before partaking (acts 27:35) and are reminded of this every time the bread is broken as we celebrate holy communion.

saying grace before a meal, then, is a reminder of communion. communion not only with our Creator, but with each other. and when we sing the alpha gam grace, we break bread together as sisters and we thank our Awesome Parent for all who gathered around the table.

it's important to note, that we don't only thank God for those who are with us, but we also ask the Almighty to care for our sisters everywhere. we ask that grace - that undeserved, forgiving, unconditional, sacrificial love - wash over each sister, that they may never go hungry for nourishment of the body or the soul.

tonight, i pray the alpha gamma delta grace. over and over again. that each sister may know the love of their sisters and the love of the Wonderful One.

a tale of five cities

i've written a lot about charlotte. about how it became home over the years. about how the people there are my family. about how much i miss it sometimes.

as i drove away from the city this morning, i wondered....will i ever feel the way about another place and another people, the way i did about charlotte?

of course i will. because i've lived several places in my life, and each city holds a special place in my heart.

my love for coshocton seems to grow, more and more, as the years go by. i may have dogged the place as a teenager, but it's home. the people are constant and the welcome is eternal.

buckhannon was the first place i ever felt free. i made a lot of stupid decisions, but i lived with abandon.

lewisburg was my training ground. could i be an adult? could i live on my own? could i make it in the professional world? was ministry really for me? lewisburg taught me how not to lose myself in adulthood.

charlotte was like college, round two. i made a lot of stupid decisions, and i loved with abandon.

and then there was misenheimer. it's hard to separate the village from the college. similarly, it's hard to separate my personal life from my professional life. this is where the lines began to blur and my role as a workaholic was birthed.

now, indianapolis. the cross roads of america. where i feel like i am at a cross road in my life. i'm not sure exactly where i'm headed, but i feel like my next few years in indianapolis are going to be important ones. something big is on the horizon - i can feel it. can you?

walking on broken glass

loading the dishwasher. that's when it happened. again. (the third time in the past week.)

i reached down and pulled a small shard of glass out of my foot. this one was really in there. it stung as i pulled it out and immediately began bleeding. i hobbled over to the bathroom to get a bandaid and now i can barely tell that anything happened at all.

a little over a week ago, i left a glass of water on the kitchen counter. big mistake. as can be expected, mr. darcy kicked it off of the counter and it shattered on the floor.

i don't think that i saw it for two days. i was so busy, that i simply didn't notice. luckily, when i finally did walk into the kitchen i was wearing sneakers. i heard the glass crunch beneath my foot and i froze, looked down and started cleaning up the mess.

it was easy to pick up the large chunks with my fingers. it's the tiny pieces that cause trouble. no matter how many times i swept the floor, there always seemed to be more. until finally there wasn't, and i thought the floor was clear.

and yet, i keep finding tiny shards of glass in my feet. it doesn't happen every day. and it won't happen forever. but it hurts when it does...

this is what happens when things shatter. the broken pieces seem to surprise by tearing into you time and time again, until you've found every single one and cleared them away.

permission granted

"i just don't feel like i have the right to be sad about this," a friend said to me today. the very moment the words escaped her lips, my heart sank.

how often do we limit ourselves like this? we don't allow ourselves to feel certain emotions because we think that it wouldn't be allowed or that we couldn't handle it. we don't allow ourselves fully experience the utter joy in a moment because we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. we don't allow ourselves to feel pain and loss over a death, because we weren't as close to him as others were.

we create these arbitrary rules for what is allowed and what simply is not okay.
key word = arbitrary.

here is what i wish to say to everyone out there who is struggling with their emotions right now:

you have permission to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. 

you really can't control your feelings. so go ahead - be sad, be betrayed, be joyful, be confused, be conflicted, be anything that you are feeling because if you are having to tell yourself that you are not allowed to feel these things, well, you're most likely already feeling them anyway.

hidden harm

shortly after i adopted pete, he underwent surgery to remove a lump on his side.

well, it was a lump originally. i first noticed it within days of bringing him home. it was as small as a bug bite and the vet said not to worry about it.

but it grew. and grew. and grew. until it was as large as a silver dollar.

then pete bit it and left a crater instead of a lump. so the vet cut all around the sore and sewed him back up.

he looked pretty brutal for a while. it made me cringe, just to look at it. when i would accidentally touch the stitches my entire body shivered with disgust. sure, i was disgusted. but he was mine. and i loved him. and i would have done anything to make him feel better.

today, you would barely know that he ever had those red stitches lining up along his side. he has a long scar, but his fur covers it up. unless you really pay attention, you'd never notice that some of the dark spots don't line up just right. you'd never know that he ever had surgery. you'd never know that he was ever hurt.


this past weekend a friend of mine facilitated a workshop with some college students. the workshop is designed to make them aware of how their decisions effect those around them. during a section on hidden harm, the unthinkable happened.

some of you will know what the buzz phrase "hidden harm" means, but for those of you who do not...here we go. hidden harm is the risk of everything you don't know. in the world of student development, it refers to the unknown history of a student's life.

during this workshop, the students are given scenarios to discuss. each scenario presents a student who is asked to do something that triggers something from their past that they'd rather not remember. in the middle of this activity, while talking about activities that may cause a student who was abused as a child to relive or at least recount those painful memories, like i said - the unthinkable happened.

the students laughed.
they LAUGHED.
they laughed at child abuse.

when my friend told me about this, i couldn't decide if i wanted to cry or if i wanted to vomit.

my disappointment in these students is more tremendous then i could ever put into words.

each of us have history. bags that we carry of varying weight. some days the bags may be more than our tired arms can stand. some days the bags are so light that we forget that they're even there. but we carry them. and like pete's scar, other people can't see it. we've covered up the scars with designer clothes or sarcastic humor.

maybe we've covered it up, but like pete, if you look closely you'll see that something just doesn't line up quite right.

30.B4.30 - published

i kicked off my 29th year by cleaning my house, jump starting a healthier lifestyle, reading some books that have been sitting on the shelves for years and, oh yeah, getting published.

the first few weeks since my birthday have been filled with good intentions. so good, in fact, that i've been able to make some progress on my 30 before 30 list:

a. i've lost 3 pounds. (that's 1/10 of the way to my first goal.)

b. i am halfway through one of the unread books on my shelf.

c. i bought lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis" (i haven't even made it through the preface, but i'm LOVING it.)

d. my writing has been published in a national publication.

what you don't know, is that i have actually been published before. once. when i was in high school. a poem. it's in some book. i don't remember the name. basically, it's a book that publishes a bunch of people's work, then tries to sell you incredibly overpriced copies. and you buy it, because you're 14 and your words on printed on the pages inside. then you never look at it and 15 years go by and you find yourself forgetting that you were ever a writer before now.

ah, life.


so, a while back i wrote about my hazing experiences. and that went a bit viral, i suppose. people i didn't know were writing me because they connected with my story. eventually word spread to the folks at hazingprevention.org and they asked if i would rewrite the blogs as an article to be included in the 2012 national hazing prevention week resource guide, which colleges and universities reference when planning nhpw events. of course, i said that i would. and i did.

they changed the title, though. i wonder if that's because "i am a product of hazing" sounded like i was proud of it or something. i'm not sure. anyway, you can check it out on their website. (it's toward the bottom. you have to register, but it's free)

30 things to do before i'm 30

at 26, the list was best memories.
at 27, favorite gifts.
at 28, my most influential mentors.
at 29, i'm doing things a little bit differently. this year, i've made a list of the 30 things i'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday.

the list may not be what you might have expected from me. you're used to seeing a list of items, explained at great length. this year, you'll see a simple list with no further detail. the explanations will come throughout the year.

some of the items may seem trivial to you, but please be patient with me. each item on this list has significance, although you may not see it at face value. as i journal my attempts at completing this list throughout the year, i hope you will see that even the smallest of tasks can be a huge achievement. 

the biggest thing i may need to remind myself of, though, is that it's not failure if i tried. there are some things on this list that despite my strongest efforts, i may never accomplish. i mean, heck, i've tried learning how to play the guitar too many times to count. the bottom line is trying. really trying. and i have to be able to forgive myself if i don't succeed. the list is a guide. it is a reminder that every year is a chance to start over. that every year is an opportunity to be the person i've always wanted to be. but i don't have to be a slave to the list. i must give myself some grace when things don't go as i had hoped or expected. who knows, maybe some of the easiest things on the list will become the most difficult to accomplish. there will be a lesson in everything. even in (maybe especially in) not being able to cross something off..

without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my list of 30 things to do before i'm 30:

1) learn to play the guitar (or at least give it a good honest try, for the fifth time)

2) visit friends scattered along the pacific

3) paint something and hang it in my home

4) read an auto/biography

5) share a first kiss with someone actually worth a second and third

6) purchase a tv

7) learn to make sushi

8) read the 4th book in the maze runner series (don't judge me)

9) find pete an indy puppy playmate

10) lose 30 pounds

11) take a real vacation (not visit friends or family)

12) go to an over the rhine concert

13) serve my community through a fundraiser or project

14) finish the afghan i began knitting in 2005

15) learn how to clip pete's nails

16) see the west coast

17) find curtains for my living room

18) buy pencils and crack open my old sketch book

19) complete my map art project

20) see sydney play volleyball

21) read lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis"

22) spend time with the entire havelka family together

23) redecorate my bedroom

24) join something - a gym, a class, a small group - anything.

25) make sure the people i love know it

26) get published

27) pick a recipe book and try all of the recipes

28) read all of the unread books on my shelves

29) allow space for the unexpected

30) journal about these 30 things and my attempts to succeed

on repeat

the song has been on repeat for days. i haven't listened to the record in over a year, but this week it has been running through my head like a prayer.

"when you're lost then you're found, then you're found then you're lost...just remember, you're coming home to Me."

i've been in my head a lot lately. analyzing everything. questioning it all. wondering who the heck i am anymore and where i might be headed.

i feel like my life has been so stagnant for so long. but, didn't i move to a new city in the past year? didn't i start a new job? didn't i join a new church? haven't i made new friends? haven't i traveled to cities i'd never seen before?

a lot has happened this year, and yet i'm approaching a birthday feeling like i'm the same person i was a year ago. that i haven't grown. that, sadly, i may have even regressed.

i've learned a lot through my new job, but i don't know that i've learned anything new about myself in the past year. it's time to learn who i am and what exactly i'm capable of.

"when you get there you'll see you were already free."

raw

pete's chest is a dark blood red and his armpits are raw.

(for those of you new to this blog, pete is my dog. he's an adorable 65 pound american bulldog, boxer, pitbull mix.)

it was an intentional decision, when i adopted pete a couple of years ago. he was clearly a dog's dog. he was playful and strong and sweet and brave. he was my kind of dog.

he wasn't one of those frilly little things that people carry in purses and he certainly wasn't high maintenance.

...or so i thought.

he's allergic to grass, highly sensitive to the heat, and for added measure, he's a mama's boy.

yup, that's my dog.

tonight, he is showing the signs of his suffering in the heat these past few days have given us.

he's in pain and nothing i am doing for him seems to help. i delayed his run until the evening when the late night breeze set sail and the sun wasn't blazing hot. i gave him ice cubes to eat and held my cold, wet, post-ice-holding hands to his chest and under his arms, knowing that those are the places that are most affected.

and yet, his skin is revolting.

i give him claritin daily, but tonight it seems that we are headed into our yearly round of a steroids and antibiotics. i even have hot spot spray with hydrocortisone and benedryl cream to rub on the wounds. ...if only he'd stay still long enough for the medicine to help.

a few weeks ago i was having a conversation with my friend brad, when i broke my guy's girl persona and shared something really personal. i imagine it was like looking at pete's raw skin tonight.

i pride myself in being a low-maintenance type of girl. i don't ask a lot. i'm not frilly or jealous or demanding or materialistic. i'm playful and strong and sweet and brave.

but underneath, you'll find that i'm just like anyone else. that i want to be accepted. that i want to be loved.

and sometimes, sometimes when i'm forgotten or rejected or hurt by the ones i love i am left blood red and raw, burning from the inside out.

but seasons change and wounds heal. and thankfully the blazing sun doesn't burn like this all year long. perhaps pete and i can heal together.