rope bones, part two

i bought pete a new rope toy yesterday. it wasn't your typical twisted and knotted at each end variety. it was shaped like a bone and had no frayed edges. i haven't bought pete a rope bone in many months, but this one looked so neat and strong that i thought i'd give it a try. a rope bone was his very first toy and he has always loved them, he just destroys them so quickly that i can't afford to give them to him anymore. well, i was sure this one would last longer than the others.

as soon as i got home, pete sniffed through my bags and discovered his new toy. i quickly cut it free from it's wrapping and pete ran off with it tucked
inside his teeth.

the bone was shredded in a matter of minutes.

 i should have known.
(remember pete's history with rope bones?)

i threw the shredded pieces of yarn in the trash can, hoping pete wouldn't find them.

he did. and it wasn't long before tiny pink and brown threads littered my bedroom floor so densely that i could barely see the carpet. after finally cleaning up all of the pieces, i put them in a bag and threw them out in the trash can outside in the rain where pete couldn't get to them.

i'm just like pete. i fell for someone years ago. i refuse to ever say that i loved him, but i definitely fell into something... (as the civil wars song says, "i don't love you, ...but i always will.") for years i thought that he had me under some sort of spell. i thought about him all the time. even though i knew we were bad together, i couldn't help but accept him into my life time and time again. i'd shut him out, only to let him back in the very next time he came around. i'd lie to my friends about who was texting or where i was going. he was like a drug to me. i was addicted.

a couple of years ago, circumstance separated us and despite similar friends i kept from seeing him for a year. when he resurfaced, i convinced myself that we could be friends. that i could somehow put the past behind me. that i could forget the way he looked at me and i felt like i was the most beautiful girl in the world. that i could forget all of the crazy fun times we had together. that i could forget all of the ways that he hurt me. that i could move forward with the man that had once been my friend.

i was wrong.

i saw him a couple of weeks ago and everything i had suppressed for so long all came flooding back to the surface. i danced with the devil and the younger, stupider havaleh came out to play. i joyfully jumped over lines and flirted with territory i hoped i'd never see. i made all the poor choices i made years ago, only this time i knew better. i knew better and i chose not to care.

around the time when i was lost with this guy years ago, my friend dawn sent me this postcard that read, "she threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsuitable men". i thought it was hysterical. she thought it was fitting. i've kept the card for the last 5 years. about a month ago, pete chewed it up and for some reason i kept the pieces that remained.

maybe it was to remind myself of the person i was. maybe it was to remind myself of the person i didn't want to be anymore. maybe i was simply holding on to the pieces that remained of an epic romance.

like pete, i held on to the trash that remained after something i loved was destroyed.

well, now it's time to throw it all away. it doesn't matter how many different kinds of rope bones i bring home to pete. he will destroy every one of them until he swallows dangerous pieces of yarn. it doesn't matter how many years go by, my relationship with that man will always be toxic. not because of him, but because of me. sure, he might be my drug, but i'm the one with an addiction.

friends of mine would like to make him a villain. they like to think that he's this horrible person who waltzes into my life like a tornado on steroids and laughs at the wreckage as he whirlwinds out, but that wouldn't be fair to him and it wouldn't be fair to me. i'm not some damsel in distress. i am a strong, educated woman who makes my own decisions, even the bad ones. and i'm not just some victim of crazy voodoo tactics. as much power as he may have over me, i have just as much power over him. as much as he has abused that power, i have too. tonight though...tonight i say goodbye to it all. tonight i relinquish my power over him and i relegate his power over me.
tonight i threw away the remnants of that postcard, along with the remnants of hope left inside of me that one day i could salvage this friendship. (tonight i don't just write about throwing away burnt cookies. tonight i actually carried them to the trash bin outside in the rain.)

tonight i let that piece of my past die. tonight i let that piece of me die.

lent will begin later this week. lent is my favorite season of the year and it centers around this concept of death. during lent, we die to the things that separate us from our Maker and Sustainer. sometimes people give up something for lent. this year, i've given up someone.

i'll also be working my way through a lenton study - writing to god. those writings will take the place of my usual blog. i know some of you have ordered the book and will be doing the same. please feel free to comment throughout the 40 days about how you interpret the scripture prompts each day. i look forward to our time together through this season of holy reflection. what needs to die inside of us? what will be pruned from our habitual living? who are we becoming?