sacrifice what surrounds you

"what breaks your heart? what makes you want to stand up for what you believe in? and what do you have to see everyday to remind you of what's important?"

i write today from a hotel room in brooklyn. it's too easy for me to say that i've sacrificed a lot of my normal environment over the past few days because i've been living out of a suitcase, but what i'd like to talk about is a different kind of change in my surroundings.

last night, as i rode the train from midtown back to brooklyn i stared through the window at the graffitti on the inner subway tunnel walls as we shot through the earth at nauseating speeds. it made me think about a book i read in middle school about a boy who lived in the subway tunnels, eating from trash cans and collecting dropped pennies to buy necessities. i thought about his nightly battle with rats and the syringes scattered along the tunnel floors. i thought about how the writer described the dance with fear and courage as the subway trains raced by, only inches from the boy's fingers, toes, or face.

around the canal street stop or so, a man stepped onto our car and stood near our little group. he smiled a huge toothless smile and watched my friends talk and laugh and joke together. a few stops later, he exited the train. as he climbed the stairs right outside of my window i watched as his toes peaked through large holes and his socked heels spilled over the back of tennis shoes that were much too small for his feet.

my heart grew weary and it made me think about my life as of late. i am speeding through life focused only on myself. it's easy when you live in suburbia and drive yourself to work each day to forget about anyone other than yourself. it's also fairly easy to research the issues, write letters to congress, volunteer for local organizations or simply spread the word and educate others about the cause.

i haven't yet decided what will change in my apartment and my office when i return home, but for now the change of community is opening my eyes and reminding me on a daily basis of the work left to do for the poor in our neighborhoods. i may not share a subway ride with them in indy but they are there, just the same.




Week One Challenge: Sacrifice What Surrounds You from World Vision ACT:S on Vimeo.

what are you willing to sacrifice?

here we go, lent 2012. last year i spent 40 days reconnecting with my faith on a deeply spiritual level. each day i wrote prayers, liturgies, letters to God. it's amazing for me to look back through those entries here and to see how much deeper my connection with my Creator was by the end.

this year, i was looking for another meaningful lenton project when i saw one of my favorite artists (scott erikson) tweet about world vision's reLENTless act:s of sacrifice. i immediately signed up. this was a project i could get behind. over the next six weeks i'm going to explore how acts of sacrifice can reorient my everyday life. each week i will receive a challenge to explore this idea of sacrifice in specific areas of my life and to put that thought into creative action.

to begin, why is it important that we think about sacrifice? why should we be sacrificial?
"the short answer...is because Christ did." ~ propaganda.

and how do i define sacrifice? we sacrifice when we give up part of ourselves for someone other or something greater than ourselves. furthermore, it's not just charity. it's not just giving money we won't miss or cleaning my closet of old clothes that don't fit anymore. as jonathan said, "God did not give us hand-me-downs."

so what am i willing to sacrifice this season of lent? my millennial need for accolades and fear of rejection. no, it's not selling everything i own and moving to south america, but it's what i feel God calling me to do and that makes it worthy.

my commitments for the next 6 weeks:
- stick with the act:s project. even if i'm traveling. even if i'm exhausted. especially if it's hard.
- reach out to the united methodist publishing house and inquire about curriculum writing
- officially become a member of my church
- contact the youth pastor and inquire about volunteer opportunities

this may not sound like much to you. for me, though, these are big deal commitments. i've never had the opportunity to be anonymous at a church before. for 8 months i've been attending church without anyone knowing me. growing up, it was (i won't say required...) expected that i attend worship. since college, it has been my job to attend worship. this is the first time in my life that church is an option.

i have to say, it's been nice to go to church without any responsibilities. i can see why it's so easy for so many to fall into that pattern. but my Creator blessed me with experience and education that prepared me to offer something more to the church. i believe that i am sinning by not utilizing my gifts within the church. it will be difficult to get involved in the church. i'm an introvert and i'm shy and I'm somewhat socially awkward. as i meet new people and try out different small groups that fear of rejection will keep my heart pumping, that is for certain. then as i apply to volunteer with the youth programming, i will come face-to-face with a whole host of other challenges.

and then there's reaching out the um publishing house. when i was in college, i dreamed of writing curriculum for the publishing house. i got a job in youth ministry because i felt that it was important to have that experience before writing the curriculum. i stand by that decision, but i also recognize that as the months then years passed i all too quickly let go of the dream of writing. now, here i am today with a full-time job writing curriculum for my Fraternity. it's time that i put myself out there and take the risk to see if that original dream can ever come true.

will this be a sacrifice of my time? yes. but more importantly it will be an offering of the gifts God has granted me.

i don't feel called to move to another country or to found a social justice organization. for a long time i felt guilty about that. i saw college friends move to africa to work at orphanages. i saw others work for organizations building wells in developing countries so they will have clean water. what was i doing and how could it compare?


if i'm honest, the real question i was asking was, "how could i compare?"

i care too much about myself and what people think of me. the terrifying idea of rejection looms too near. i don't contact a publisher because i fear they won't want my book. i don't talk to the man at the market because i fear he'll think i'm weird. i care entirely too much. this lenton season, i'm sacrificing the comfort of my complacent life by taking chances i've been too fearful to risk, in one case for a decade now.

"it's gonna be a challenge, but it will be worth it." ~ sam

if any of this sounds interesting to you, i encourage you to join the challenge. also, check out this bible study resource uc irvine created to use in a weekly small group with students. 

"and so, dear brothers and sisters, i plead with you to give yourselves to God because of all he has done for you. let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. this is truly the way to worship him. don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect" ~ romans 12.1-2

what coffee and flowers have in common

this morning, as i poured my second cup of coffee i couldn't help but smile. grandpa always drank coffee when went we went out to eat. it didn't matter what meal it was - breakfast, lunch or dinner - he always ordered a cup of coffee. as waitresses would stop by to check on our table and see if he wanted a refill, he would always say "sure, warm me up". it never made sense to me.

until this morning.

did i need that second cup of coffee? nope. did i even want that second cup of coffee? not really. but the little bit left of my first cup was lukewarm because apparently i wasn't drinking it quickly enough. it needed warmed up.

funny how something so small can completely change your day. all day, i have felt grandpa with me. he was with me in the kitchen at work as i poured that second cup of coffee. he was with me as i ever-so-lightly stroked pete's head as we made our way to ohio. he was with me as i passed grocery stores where men walked to their cars with last minute valentine's day flowers.

ask anyone, and they'll tell you. my memory is missing some vital hardware or something because i can barely remember which fake name i've given the lady at the counter when they call it out loud five minutes later as my sandwich order is filled.

i don't remember much, so most of this story comes from the story i've heard over the years. really, grandma is the one who tells it best, but i'll try my hardest to get it right.

one year, many years ago, i learned that my grandpa had never given my grandma flowers. never. in the decades that they had been married, he had never once shown up at the door with so much as a single flower for her.

grandma says that i was outraged and i told him that it was simply pitiful. (she makes a lot out of quoting me here, when she tells the story. she probably says the word pitiful about seven times before moving on with the story. ...the thing is...pitiful doesn't sound like something i would say. pathetic? sure. but pitiful? i'm not sold. regardless, grandma's storytelling always includes a great emphasis on the word, so i don't question it.)

a little while later, i sent grandma flowers and signed the card "pitiful". (or at least, that's how grandma tells it. again, i don't question her on the facts, but i would imagine the truth is that i mentioned it to mom and dad and they did it all.)

grandma loves this story. you should see how much she smiles and laughs as she tells it.

i love the story too. because if you read between the light-hearted lines, you'll find a beautiful love story.

here was a woman who didn't complain because her husband never bought her flowers. she laughed about it. here was a women who didn't question her marriage or her husband's love because he didn't buy her pretty things or offer her grand gestures. she didn't need flowers to know he loved her.

maybe it's because he never let the love run cold. maybe it's because he was consistently warming it up.

love isn't meant to be a sprint. it's a marathon. and if you're going to make it for the long haul, the relationship is going to need constant care and attention. it's going to need to get warmed up every chance you get.

want another fun story? my dad worked at a flower shop when he and my mother were dating and you know what he used to send my mom? dead flowers. yes, DEAD flowers. clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (he claims it's because mom would make potpourri out of them. she defends him.)

i may joke, but i pray that i can find a love like that of my parents and my grandparents: the kind that doesn't need flowers. the kind that never gets cold.

on second thought

first, i saw a facebook post: "no more komen for me!". then, i commenced a google search for articles and found "susan g komen foundation pulls planned parenthood funding".

initial reaction: disappointment.

...but then i got to thinking...

and i thought,
"good for them".

now, let me be clear, i believe in the mission of planned parenthood and remain disappointed that they have lost funding for the tens of thousands of breast exams they perform every year. but i also believe in putting your money where your heart is. and if the board of susan g komen does not believe in the mission and practices of planned parenthood, then i respect them for standing behind what they believe in.

several years ago i quit shopping at hobby lobby after hearing rumors that they donated money to westboro baptist church. however, upon researching the claim, i found no evidence to support it. needless to say, i still don't shop at hobby lobby, but that's simply because i quit being crafty a long time ago.

similarly, i boycotted chick fil a years ago after hearing rumors that they donate money to anti-gay organizations. these claims, unfortunately, are true. they give money to the fellowship of christian athletes, among other similar organizations.

what's wrong with fca, you ask? well, they do a lot of things really well. i love that it is an organization focused on a particular type of student (athletes) bringing faith alive in every facet of their lives, including on the field/court/rink/etc. what i do not agree with, however, is their stance on homosexuality. although you won't see it on their website or spelled out in their creeds, i have seen their leader applications (remember, i used to work in youth and young adult ministry) and it requires leaders to sign that they believe homosexuality is an alternative lifestyle that goes against the christian faith. i simply can't get behind that.

while i can disagree with and be disappointed by these organizations and the things they believe, i have to respect them for truly standing behind those beliefs. isn't that how i live my life? funding the organizations and voting for public servants who will fight for the very issues i believe in?

i also have to believe that we all can change. that individual attitudes and beliefs can change and because of that our organizations, businesses and even societies can change as well.

for example, i spent a lot of energy hating toms shoes since the business was founded. i heard blake speak at a conference and was initially enamored with the idea. "so you're telling me that i can buy a pair of fairly overpriced shoes and you'll deliver a free pair to a child in need in a developing country? that's so easy!"

then reality set in and i realized that it went against everything i had learned about true ethical responsibility. as kelsey timmerman puts it, it goes back to the give a man a fish or teach a man to fish question. here we are giving children shoes, but we aren't solving their economic situation. sure, shoes will get them into school so they can get an education. but kids grow fast. feet grow fast. what will one year of school really do? and what are we doing having shoes made in china then delivering them to developing countries? why aren't we utilizing local businesses and artisans to make the shoes? why aren't we stimulating their economy with good, fair, honest work and wages?

i could go on about this for hours. i've done it before.

but you know what has happened since toms was founded? progress. they are now offering health and education programs and are utilizing some locally made shoes in ethiopia. ...baby steps.

people can change. people can change other people. when people change, so do organizations and businesses and, one day, societies.

i hope all of us will learn from the komen foundation's recent financial decision. i hope that our disappointment will turn to action and that we too will stand up for what we believe in, even if we're standing alone (like the cheesy pre-teen poster said). even if it incites a large portion of the nation against you.

i hope that we will stand up not only by boycotting or criticizing though. i hope that we will support the organizations we believe in with our time and our talents. put your money where your mouth is, people. and if you're looking for a place to start, well, planned parenthood looks like they could use a few donations these days.


**also, i should say that the komen foundation has not come out saying that this was a political move or an ethical decision. so, to claim that they pulled the funding for those reasons is speculation on my part.

headboard project

several months ago, my place of work went through a BIG move. on the last day of the move, several of us were breaking down a couple cubicles, taking piece by piece out to the dumpster. as i carried a cubicle wall to the dumpster, i had a thought: could i turn this into a huge canvas for a painting above my sofa? i asked my boss what she thought. she thought maybe that could work, but also brought up the idea of using it as a headboard. genius! i somehow fit the wall into my little civic sedan and the wheels started turning.

i stopped at target on the way home for the following items:

1. twin size foam mattress pad (less expensive and softer than foam from hardware store)
2. glue that will work with a variety of materials (metal, foam, fabric)
3. fabric table cloth (less expensive than bolt upholstery fabric)

later i returned for a few more items, because this was definitely a trial and error, learn as you go kind of project:

1. pre-cut batting for full size quilt (less expensive and easier than purchasing from bolt)
2. quilting safety pins (they are strong and curved)
3. fabric-specific glue
4. bike wall hangers (no clue what they're really called, so we'll go with this!)

so...here is the "before" picture of my guest room: (i know, it's quite sad looking...college bedding, no curtains, a chair for a nightstand...quite sad indeed.)

how did it work? let's go step by step through the process:

1. remove all outer hardware from the cubicle wall
2. glue foam mattress topper to front of wall with multi-purpose glue
3. cover foam with batting, wrapping around all edges and corners
4. fasten batting with fabric glue and quilting safety pins
5. cover batting with fabric tablecoth, wrapping around all edges and corners
6. fasten tablecloth with fabric clue and quilting safety pins

okay, that was the easy part.

i had purchased button kits and made buttons covered with extra fabric pieces cut from the tableloth, but decided not to add them. this decision was made partly because of visual reasons, but mostly because of the inside structure of the cubicle wall. the wall was framed in metal bars including one metal bar connecting the two long sides of the wall. this extra metal bar is located about one third of the way in the middle of the wall. not only was this a hazard in tufting the headboard, but the metal framing would also prove to be an issue when thinking of ways to fasten the headboard to the wall.

here is my genius solution: bike rack screws! they are designed to hold enough weight, and if i put holes in the back of the headboard, then the metal framing can rest on the rack, just like a bike.

1. find studs
2. measure desired height, based on headboard ended one inch above the mattress top
3. measure twice
4. do it a third time, just for good measure
5. screw in red rubber ended bike racks
6. now, center headboard on the wall, simply resting it on the floor (remember, the studs may not be centered on the wall, thus not be centered on the headboard)
7. determine where the bike racks will go through the back of the headboard
8. measure for the 4 holes (2 for each 2-pronged rack)
9. measure and mark again
10. cut at the 4 marked points through the fabric, the batting, the foam and cubicle fabric and foam just below the metal framing
11. line the cut areas with fabric glue (this will keep the fabric from fraying)
12. hang the headboard by lining up the holes with the 2-pronged racks and pushing until the metal frame rests on the racks

it was a lot of work. doing one of the pinterest plywood, hardware store foam, fabric projects would have been MUCH easier, but i ended up with a great headboard and i only spent $55 on EVERYTHING i used.

here is the after photo of the guest room: (pete loves the new look! ...even if the photo isn't good quality)

response: why i hate religion video

when i left full time professional ministry and jumped into higher education, some people turned their heads. when i left the university and made the move to Fraternity, people really began to question me. how could someone who was once a youth pastor work for social organizations that are known to be killing our college children?

the same reason that i started out in life with a mission to work for a religion that is most publicly known for being insensitive, hypocritical, overly political and homophobic, just to name a few.

a little while back i wrote about the need for fraternities and sororities to fully claim their values, their rituals, the reasons for their founding. to quit complaining about all of the bad press because until the press has nothing bad to say about us we have no right to ask them to stop calling attention to it.

being a follower of Christ is no different.

here's what one man has to say about it:

some are calling it a viral sensation. i call it embarrassing.

unchristian and when bad christians happen to good people are two of my favorite books. i'm used to talking about the failure of the church. i agree with nearly everything this man in the video has to say.

nearly everything.

i don't hate religion.
i refuse to hate it. 
i'm disappointed with it.

sure, we've got our problems. there are those who use God's name in vain. like when they say they'll pray for you, but don't. like when they say "bless her soul" in the most condescending way. like when they picket military funerals with signs misquoting God. like when they wear WWJD bracelets or metal ichthus signs on their cars, but treat others like trash. like when they create cults and lead others astray. like when they only attend church or say "God bless America" as a political ploy.

yes, we have our issues. the church has lost its sight. heck, i don't know that it ever really had it to begin with. remember paul's letters from back in the day? those churches were screwed up too. when the fathers of the church pulled together the books of the bible, i wonder if they included those letters to show us that it's normal to mess up. it's human.

maybe that's why the Creator not only became human, but became spirit as well. maybe that's why the Holy Spirit was given to us when the Son was taken away. to give us a direct line. no church needed.

but we are commanded to live in community with one another. that's why we need the church.

but we have to change it. and you can't change something from the outside. you've got to get inside to shake things up. and as a believer in the Way, the Truth and the Life i continue to work for change. for leading the way in making all peoples truly equal. for diligent work for world peace (and not just the miss america kind). for truly mirroring Christ's work in feeding the poor, clothing the hungry, sheltering the homeless and freeing the imprisoned. this is the business i believe my Maker meant for the church to be about and i hope that one day the church will be known for these things, instead of the characteristics the barna group found.

i also think that it's important to say that we aren't all getting it wrong. some are getting it right. but just like fraternities and sororities, the negative perception won't cease until the negative stories do. all of them. until we change who we are, we will never be seen as the church we were intended to be.

armed and dangerous

there's been a lot germinating in my head these past couple of weeks but there hasn't been time to write. hopefully soon i'll be able to sit down and work through all of these thoughts. for now, i'm just going to tell you about my night...

i came home from work today to find a letter from the apartment management. i skim through the letter, as if it's like any of the others. a car break in here. an apartment robbery there. nothing big.

but then i see it. two men with guns approached a resident and robbed them between the hours of 10:30 and 11:00pm on MY STREET. if you've ever been to my apartment complex, then you know that my street is not very long. there are only a few buildings. meaning, this happened practically in my front yard.

i start to go through the files of my memory... i was out a lot last night. i was back and forth with pete to and from the dumpster to throw out what i was sure were flea ridden items from my home. (more on the flea infestation later...) i usually go to bed around 11pm, so i'm almost always outside with pete during that time so he can get in his last pee of the night.

did i see these men? did i walk past the car where they were waiting to choose their victim?

which then makes me think... why didn't they choose me? that's easy. 1) i have a pit bull to protect me. 2) i didn't have a purse or anything for them to profit from.

i breathe easy for a little while, but then i take pete with me on a trip to the dumpster to throw away tonight's vacuum bag and other assorted items. pete's poop place is in the grass behind the dumpster. (if you have a dog, then you know - they pick a spot and they always poop there.) as we approach the back side of the dumpster, i notice a man walking along the front side.

i don't think much of it. he's probably just throwing something away, right? no. he walks on by.

eh, he's probably just walking down the street. no big deal.

but he's wearing a dark hoodie with the hood covering half of his face. and his hands are in his pockets as he walks. as he passes the dumpster, he turns to look at me. pete's pooping, but i don't let my fingers stray from the trigger on the pepper spray in my pocket to unfold the poop bag. the man keeps on walking.

am i being paranoid? is this really happening? i tell myself to calm down.

the man walks toward my building. clearly i was being paranoid. he's just one of my new neighbors.

i keep one eye on him while i bag pete's poop and round the dumpster to throw it away.

the man keeps turning to look at me as he approaches the building. he walks inside, but stands right inside the glass door with his back to me.

now i'm confused. either he's fumbling for his keys (although i can't see his arms or hands moving) or he's just waiting there.

i decide that even if i'm being paranoid, i'm not messing around with this. i guide pete back to the sidewalk and we keep walking, away from the apartment.

the man sees me walking away. he leaves the building and walks back to the cars parked in the street. i wait a little bit, not wanting to have to interact with him at all. eventually though, i make my way back to my apartment, locking both locks and propping up my steel safety bar.

my right hand never let go of the pepper spray. my finger never left the trigger.

i pick up my phone. if i were still in the village i would have called the police right away. i knew them. they knew me. we knew everyone who lived around there. they would have been there in less than a minute to check out the situation.

...i don't live in the village anymore.

for reasons i can't explain, i put down the phone. there's no one to call. the police will think i'm paranoid. friends and family are too far away to do anything. what would they do anyway?

instead, i lock myself indoors and instigate pete's energy making him bark. whoever is out there, i want them to know that i've got a fierce protector.

it doesn't take long for the paranoia to fade and normalcy is regained. before i know it, i'm back to the mounds of laundry and the daily de-fleaing projects.

i climb into bed, start writing this blog and the phone rings. a friend, driving home from work. just calling to say hello. about halfway through the conversation, i notice something: my muscles relaxing.

i have been tense all night. shaking my feet and clenching my fists.

when something happens, whether to us or around us, sometimes it causes us to tense up. maybe it's emotional. maybe it's physical. maybe it's spiritual. we close off a part of ourselves. we build up walls. we let paranoia sweep over us. we keep our finger on the trigger of the pepper spray hidden in our pocket.

it's our body or our heart's natural defense. survival mode, some call it. and it keeps us alive. we become the ones who are armed and dangerous. armed with fear and dangerous mostly to ourselves.

there comes a time when we need to let go and get back to life. it doesn't have to happen in a matter of hours, days, weeks, months or even years. we all have our own pace. but we need to learn to live again.

what are your defenses? what caused them to build up around you? what will it take to allow yourself to break them down and live again?

sometimes we just need to hear that everything is alright. that we're okay. that we're safe.

i don't know if it was simply having a friend on the other end of the line, the completely natural conversation or his matter-of-fact statement that i have nothing to worry about that calmed me down, and i don't even think i knew i needed calming, but i'm thankful for that phone call. i'm thankful for that friend.

the obligatory new year post

sure, i write in here from time to time, but i wouldn't call my self a blogger. it's not like i'm on a deadline or anything. so why do i feel pressue to write a new years post? i guess it's just expected. but by whom? i have eight official followers. and while they are a lovely bunch (shout out, yo!), they aren't banging down the proverbial door wondering where this post has been hiding.

while i'm on the subject of my readers...i'm amazed at how many hits this blog gets. seriously. i'm just another person pondering life. nothing special here... but while i have your attention, i'd like to say a big "hello!" to my readers in canada, brazil, australia, germany, the uk, india, ireland, kenya, latvia, argentina, brunei, colombia, moldova, russia and thailand. i don't know who you are, but truly appreciate that you are joining me on this journey!

anyway, back to the topic in the title. in my first blog, on the good ol' myspace many years ago, i wrote about resolving to give up resolutions for the new year. i was certain that people never really achieved their new year's resolutions, so why bother? my goal was to simply be more me - to be authentic to who i wanted to become. (random factoid: traces of that post from seven years ago found its way into a new year blog posting i wrote for another blog this year.)

i was so tired of everyone asking me what my resolutions were that i rebelled against the entire notion. this year though...well, i can't think of a single person who has asked me about any new year's resolutions.

have we given up on them completely? have we given up on the idea that we can change?

that makes me pretty disappointed because i guess you could say i've had a change of heart over the past seven years...

now, i still don't believe in making resolutions that are downright unachievable (i.e. "i'm going to get that 0.7 gpa up to a 3.0 this semester!"), and it still frustrates me that so many resolutions have always been rooted in superficial social commentary (i.e. "i'm going to lose 50 pounds and get a boob job!"), but i have to believe that there's something powerful in making a decision to effect change within your life.

as i've often said: every moment is a choice. every day, a chance to change your life.

so maybe we don't need a new year to make that change, but it does serve as a convenient reminder that time continues to pass by and unless we jump on board and do the work to become that person we always said we'd be, then we'll be stuck in the past with only regrets to keep us company.

what's that you say? what is my new year's resolution, you ask?

i'm glad you asked. (no, really. i am.)

be it resolved, that in the year 2012 i, havaleh havelka, will embrace my life as my own, knowing that i am in control of who i become and that in every moment i have the choice to either take a step toward becoming that person, remain stagnant or, sadly, take a step back. my prayer is that i have the strength to move forward and the wisdom to hold my Maker's hand every step of the way.

so, what's your resolution?

the happy new year text

"happy new year" was all it said. a simple text. no capitalization. no punctuation. no hint of emotional context.

i knew it was him.
though i had deleted him from my phone a long time ago.
("deleted him" ...so much more than just deleting his number.)

i replied with a coy "sorry... who is this?"

he gave me a one word answer: his name.

he was one of the first guys i dated post-college. we worked together at my part-time gig at the mall. he asked me out a couple of times. i said no a couple of times (i have a long history of this throughout the years.). then randomly one day i invited him to a cook out my roommate and i were hosting. that was the beginning of our strange little story.

we were inseparable for about a month, then i went off on a mission trip. i came back a week later and he had moved on to someone else. luckily, i left that job only a few weeks later. i figured that i would never have to encounter him again. easy, right?

no. like clockwork, every few months i would receive a text. something lame, of course, but it always drew me back in just enough to grab my attention. we tried dating more times over my 6 years in north carolina than i'd like to admit.

loyalty. it is one of my top strengths.

it also gets me into trouble. i stay at jobs because i feel loyal to my boss or to the company. i give third and fourth and fifth and sixth chances in relationships and friendships because i have faith that things will be better the next time around.

there comes a time, though, when i need to walk away. because the job isn't challenging anymore. because the friendship is based on history, but not the present. because the guy just isn't right for me.

i wish i could tell you all that i ignored the text, but i didn't. i wrote back a simple, "oh hi. happy new year to you too." no capitalization. little punctuation. no hint of emotional context.

had i actually said what was on my mind....here's what the text would have said:
"well hello, [name]. still working that job that you despise? still dreaming of futures you will never have the courage to actually take ANY steps toward making a reality? you must be between girlfriends and bored out of your mind. is it because i'm so damn awesome that you keep returning to me? or is it simply because you know i'll always be here and that i'll always respond? because even though you have no interesting experiences, can't speak intelligently about anything, aren't passionate about life at all and quite frankly bore the hell out of me, you think that i'll appease you by entertaining you over a meal at some stupid super-chain restaurant who rely on frozen shipments rather than actual chefs. and well, unfortunately you would be right because normally i would use you to get a free meal (no matter how mundane) and pass the time with someone who tells me how wonderful i am. however, i've moved. again. and even further than just an hour outside of the city. i live in another state. so no, thank you. i will participate in this charade only so far as to respond cordially but i would much rather you forget i ever existed. signed: yours no longer, havaleh."

maybe that is what 2012 will hold for me: a year of remaining loyal only to the relationships, friendships, situations and technologies which continue to strengthen me as a person and to say goodbye to those which no longer (or never did) contribute to my being in positive, healthy ways.

we're not who we were

pete has some weird quirks.
1) he hates the rain.
2) he whimpers and kicks in his sleep.
3) his leg spontaneously shakes uncontrollably.

as i sat on the couch to do some work this afternoon, pete curled up next me and instantly fell fast asleep. as usual, once he hit the really deep sleep he started twitching, kicking and whimpering through what appears to be a horrible nightmare. he looks just like the dogs in old cartoons.

it makes me think...what is he dreaming of? what happened to him before the smiths rescued him and he came into my life? i sometimes joke that he was in a dog gang protecting the streets of charlotte, but the truth is that i'll never know. was he abused? was he neglected? was he a doggy pimp? who knows...

sometimes i let myself get lost in the wondering and i feel horrible. why does he whimper? why does he flinch when i pet him and he doesn't see me coming? why does his leg shake when he's just sitting in front of me? i want to know who hurt him and i want to give them a piece of my mind.

the same applies to people. i look to the people in my life - their quirks and the decisions they make. what's their "why"? what happened to them to make them this way? i want to know who hurt them and give them a piece of my mind.

my friend chuq asked me a few years ago, "what happened to you?". i used to be so confident and positive. now i'm hesitant and cynical. my response was vague: "life happened." but i can pinpoint the moments, situations, individuals and relationships that shaped the person i have become, quirks and all.

i have been blessed with some wonderful friends in my life. last night i spoke with one such friend. she has been going through a lot of the same things as me over the past couple years. there are similarities in our stories: disappointments which have altered our path, men who have bruised our spirit, relationships that have changed our very being.

we've been on a long road, this past year or so, to be better versions of ourselves. to be more confident, more faithful, more honest, with others and (more importantly) with ourselves. we are learning more about ourselves and why we make the choices we do, why we have become the people we are, and changing our thoughts and behaviors accordingly.

last night, she called me to talk through her experiences throughout the evening. she had a breakthrough. a major breakthrough, although she probably wasn't thinking of it like that at the time. she made decisions congruent with her values, and that's too often more difficult than it should be for all of us. she stayed true to the person she is becoming instead of falling back into old habits. it may sound trite, but i could not have been more proud of her in that moment.

she's not who she was.

this was a huge step. not just for her, but for me too. what she didn't know at the time, was that she was giving me the courage to do the same that night.

i may never know why pete cries and trembles in his sleep, just as i will never know the complete history of every person i meet. i will never know their reasons, i'll never know their "why". i can only try to understand myself better, recognizing the causes of my own intricacies. then work to become that better version of myself, i talked about earlier.

i'm making progress. i'm not quite there yet, but i'm not who i was.


"i wish you could see me now 
i wish i could show you how
i'm not who i was
i used to be mad at you
a little on the hurt side too
but i'm not who i was
 
i found my way around
to forgiving you
some time ago
but i never got to tell you so
 
well the thing i find most amazing
in amazing grace
is the chance to give it out
maybe that's what love is all about

i wish you could see me now
i wish i could show you how
i'm not who i was" 

~ brandon heath - i'm not who i was