day thirty-three

"Jesus entered jericho and made his way through the town. there was a man there named zacchaeus. he was the chief tax collector in the region, and he had become very rich. he tried to get a look at Jesus, but he was too short to see over the crowd. so he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree beside the road, for Jesus was going to pass that way.

when Jesus came by, he looked up at zacchaeus and called him by name. “zacchaeus!” he said. “quick, come down! i must be a guest in your home today.” 

zacchaeus quickly climbed down and took Jesus to his house in great excitement and joy."

~ luke 19.1-6, new living translation


new kids on the block were big when i was a girl.  i had friends who had nkotb posters on their bedroom walls and nkotb folders in their trapper-keepers.  girls who begged their parents to go to their concerts and cried when their songs played on the radio.

i was never that girl.

several years ago i finally got to see over the rhine live in concert at a small venue in charlotte.  after their set, while the next musician was setting up, i noticed linford and the drummer standing along one wall of the bar.  i was about as giddy as i'd ever been to meet someone i had idolized like that.  i walked over, calmly said hello, told them i was a fan, shook their hands, and walked away.  that was it.

just this past year i met michael grubbs (of wakey!wakey!) and i think katy was amazed that i didn't faint. i had made such a big deal about going to the concert. coworkers were braced for me never to come back to work.  they were sure that i was going to jump in the tour bus and run off with the band. sure, i really dig his music and yes, i find him extremely attractive, but the truth is that all the hype was just for show.  when i finally met him that night we had a short dialogue, i got his signature and a photo, then said goodnight.

i sometimes wonder if i'd be the same with Christ.

i don't often question, "what would Jesus do?" but i do sometimes wonder, "what would i do if i were face to face with Jesus?"  is this faith just for show?  is the hype just an act?  or is this love real.  would i wait patiently in a long line to get his signature and a goofy picture?  or would i desperately run to the front and faint at the sight of such wondrous stardom?

would you climb a tree just to get a better look at Jesus?
or would you be content in standing at the back of the crowd?

because Jesus didn't go home with just anyone that day.  He went home with the man who was willing to take a risk and look foolish, just to get a glimpse of his Savior.

day thirty-two

"then jacob prayed, "oh God of my father abraham, God of my father isaac, Lord, you who said to me, ‘go back to your country and your relatives, and i will make you prosper,’  i am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. i had only my staff when i crossed this jordan, but now i have become two camps" 

~ genesis 32.9-10, new international version


oh God of my father abraham,
who called him out of his native land and into a new world
who kept him from having children for many desperate decades
and, once he finally did have a child, called him to kill the beloved son,
be with me as you were with abraham
when you walked with him step by step and gave him great land
when you heard his plea and the plea of sarai and gave him a son at age 100
when you promised to make him the father of a great nation.

oh God of my father isaac,
who called his life to be sacrificed by his father's hand
who stood by as old age took his sight
and, after that sight was lost, allowed him to be deceived by his own wife and son,
be with me as you were with isaac
when you saved his life on that altar stone
when you forgave him as he made the same mistakes as his father
when you answered his prayer and gave he and rebekkah a son.

oh God, my father,
who watches my life play out like a rollercoaster of emotion
who silently stands by as my questions fill the sky
who seems so far away sometimes,
let me remember the times when you were with me
when you pulled me out of the despair of depression and gave me life again
when you forgave me for making the same mistake for the thousandth time
when you answer my prayers even when the answer is simply "not right now".

day thirty-one

"your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   you, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
how priceless is your unfailing love, o God!
   people take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
they feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
for with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light." 

~ psalm 36.5-9, new international version

i thank You God for most this amazing day:

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;

and for everything which is natural 

which is infinite 

which is yes
 

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;

this is the birth day of life 

and love 

and wings

and of the gay great happening 

illimitably earth)

how should tasting 

touching 

hearing 

seeing
breathing any

- lifted from the no of all nothing -

human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
 

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~ e.e. cummings, 'i thank you God for most this amazing'

* i thank God for dr. larry parsons for introducing me to the wonderful beauty that is eric whitacre.  i miss singing for him and i miss singing such incredible works of art.  (to hear this piece of music, click here.)

day thirty

"i issued an order calling in all the wise men of babylon, so they could tell me what my dream meant. when all the magicians, enchanters, astrologers, and fortune-tellers came in, i told them the dream, but they could not tell me what it meant.  at last daniel came in before me, and i told him the dream. (he was named belteshazzar after my god, and the spirit of the holy gods is in him.)

~ daniel 4.1-8, new living translation

when i was a little girl, i had this reoccurring nightmare.  it was loosely based on shel silverstein's 'the googies are coming'.  in my dream, i would wake up to the sound of an old witch's laughter.  i would go to my window and see the dark figure riding across the sky on her broom.  behind her, a huge bag filled with children punching and kicking to get out.  eventually, she would notice me watching, stop mid-flight, look me in the eyes and tell me that she was coming for me.  luckily, i always woke up before she got the window.

shortly after katie moved out and i was left as the sole resident of the gowell cottage, i had a terrible night terror.  in the dream, i woke up to the feeling of someone in the room.  quickly, i notice a man standing at the end of the bed, watching me.  even worse, i feel the weight of another person on my bed.  it is another man.  he is lying behind me and he begins to tell me all of the ways he plans to hurt me.  i can feel the hot breath of his words on the back of my neck.  i can feel the rise and fall of his lungs on my back.  suddenly, there is a noise downstairs and the two men flee.  i hear the pounding of their feet as they rush down the stairs and through the house.  the first time i had this dream i woke in a panic.  i was paralyzed by my fear.  i couldn't tell what was reality.  the dream had felt so real.  i didn't dare to move from my bed.  i didn't want to make a sound.  eventually, i reached for my cell phone and called a friend who talked me down from the height of the terror.  i've had the dream several times since then, but now i have pete and i know that he would never let anyone get into the house without my knowing it.

nightmares can be truly terrifying experiences.  your heart can race, your palms can sweat, your muscles can tire.  so when you wake, it is that much harder to decipher reality.  it is truly amazing how the mind can work...

similarly, joyous dreams have the same effect.  have you ever awakened from a dream just to wish you could go right back to sleep and pick up where you left off?  it was so perfect, so wonderful that you would rather live in your dreams than wake to reality.  you wake up, your breathing is easy and the corners of your mouth hurt as if you've been smiling for hours.  then you realize that you have to get ready for just another mundane day of the same old routine... 

unfortunately, i don't have an interpreter like daniel to tell me the meaning of my dreams. i guess i'll just have to wait until i'm face to face with the Ultimate to ask that question...

day twenty-nine

"our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
give us this day our daily bread.
and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
amen."

~ matthew 6.9-13, king james version


Creator, Comforter, Parent to us all, holy, holy, holy are You
i praise you for all that You are, all that You do, all that You wish for your creation.
reveal Your self to me.  reveal Your hope for me.  reveal Your hope for this world.
i understand that what i want and what i need are two separate things
and that sometimes You are the only one who knows exactly what i need.
i have faith that you will always provide me with what i need.
i pray that you would use me to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless and visit the sick.
please forgive me when i've failed to do so.
please forgive me when i've failed to love like You love, with grace and with mercy.
keep me from the things that keep me from You
and save me when i've strayed so far that i can't find my way Home.
for You are my home, my strength and my joy for ever and ever.
amen.

day twenty-eight

"God performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
   miracles that cannot be counted.
when he passes me, i cannot see him;
   when he goes by, i cannot perceive him.
if he snatches away, who can stop him?
   who can say to him, ‘what are you doing?’"

~ job 9.10-12, new international version


my favorite hymn is "precious Lord, take my hand".  i've always loved the soulful moan of the song.  the blue heartbeat that keeps it moving and the deep sighs that hold it back.  so many times in my life i've connect with the lyric in ways that no other words could describe.

"i am weak. i am tired. i am lone.
through the storm, through night...
lead me on to the light.
take my hand, precious Lord,
and lead me home."

but what about the times when you can't feel God's hand in yours?  when the Great Comfort simply isn't present.  when you can't feel the Arms of Grace enfolding you.  when you beg for your Deliverer, but find no refuge.  what about then?

if you're me, then you yell and you scream through your prayer.  you express that hate with every fiber of your being like the child still crawling around inside of you.

but if you're job.  well, if you're job you act much differently.  job perseveres in faith of a God who has seemingly abandoned him.  instead of yelling and screaming and hating God, job marvels at the wonder of such a Creator with quiet reverence.

job's story is found in the hebrew torah and talmud, the christian old testament, and in the qur'an.  all three depict job as a man whose unwavering faith in God remained despite temptation from the devil while God's protection was set aside.  his family, his wealth, even his health is taken from him but he remains faithful.  although he asks God for a reason, he never curses God or walks away.

man.

i wish i had that kind of faith.  i wish i was that loyal.  but the truth is that i'll even leave a church if the choir sings out of tune.

unless i feel God's hand in mine, i find it too easy to stray away from the One who gave me life itself.  if only i wasn't also given free will.  then maybe i'd do better with this whole loyal faith idea.  but then again, that wouldn't be love, would it?

i need to learn to have a faith like job's.  i need to learn that even though i may not be holding The Hand that holds the world, The Eyes are still on me and The Heart still loves me.

day twenty-seven

"i love you, Lord, my strength.
the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, 
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

~ psalm 18.1-2, new international version


my office is located at the corner of the building with three windows on two intersecting walls.  on days like today, the wind howls through the windows with such force that it almost feels like the walls are going to crumble at the sound.

i've grown accustom to the wind.  i've become so used to it that i ignore it with ease.  most of the time, i don't even notice it until students come in and comment on the noise.  they are astonished at the volume and wonder how i can work through it.  they always ask if they can open the windows and i always say no.  even though the cool fresh air would feel great, i don't want the wind to send the papers on my desk flying across the room.

have you ever treated God like that? the Voice is constantly calling to you, but you've ignored it for so long that you barely even notice.  you refuse to listen because that might mean allowing the Spirit inside of you and it just might send all of the life plans you've made right out of the window.

choose to listen.
choose to love.

day twenty-six

"samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lord before. so the Lord called a third time, and once more samuel got up and went to eli. 'here i am. did you call me?'

then eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy. so he said to samuel, 'go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘speak, Lord, your servant is listening.’ so samuel went back to bed.

and the Lord came and called as before, 'samuel! samuel!'
and samuel replied, 'speak, your servant is listening.'”

~ 1 samuel 3.7-10, new living translation


phew..  i'm not the only one who has trouble recognizing God's voice.  and neither are you.  this has been a struggle for thousands of years, apparently.

i always question myself.  thankfully, like samuel had eli, i have faithful friends and mentors who help me hear the voice of God and point me in the right direction.

do you?  do you have people in your life who keep you centered and hold you accountable?  do you have people you encourage your faith?  people who keep you focused on the right path?

because the old saying, "you are who your friends are", well...it's true.

day twenty-five

"o taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him."

~ psalm 34.8, king james version


for the cool night breeze that gently kisses my skin
for the colorful berries that burst on my tongue
and for the sunset that strikes beauty in my sight
i celebrate You, oh God.

for the scent of the neighbor's barbecue drifting through the air
and the sounds of happy children playing in the distance
i praise You, oh God.

day twenty-four

"Papa, Father, you can—can't you?—get me out of this. take this cup away from me. but please, not what I want—what do you want?" 

~ mark 14.36, the message



faithful scholars over the years have debated this bit of scripture and concluded very different reasons for Jesus prayer.  does he already know that he will die in a matter of hours?  is he trying to get out of it?  is he scared?  is he bargaining with God?  is he going through the motions to fulfill the old testament prophecy?

this is one of those christian debates i stay out of.  i can't see inside of Jesus' mind, so i'm not even going to pretend that i know why he prayed the prayer he did.

too often my prayers are similar to Jesus' prayer in the garden.  "do this. please do this. you can, right? please do it.  please, please.  you've got to.  please? ...but, not my will but yours."  unlike Jesus, my prayers are like this because i already have my mind made up.  if i am completely honest, i'm really not interested in what God wants.  most of the time i am absolutely set on how i think my life should be and what i believe needs to happen.  i spend my time praying for what i want instead of listening to where God leads.

when i was doing my college internship in lewisburg in the summer of 2004, i created a breath prayer that has stuck with me.  for seven years i have been reciting the same prayer: "Father God, may Your will be my will."  i pray this prayer constantly - as i brush my teeth, wash my hair, feed my pets, iron my clothes, cook my meals, as i walk and live and breath each day.  it is so natural to me that most of the time i don't even realize i'm praying, but i find the words running through my head subconsciously.  for seven years i have been praying the same prayer, hoping that one day it will finally sink in and i'll truly accept it.

Papa Father.  may Your will be my will.  amen.