deal or no deal?

know the show 'deal or no deal' on nbc?

the premise for the show is this: 25 people hold 25 suitcases, each representing anything from $5 to one $1,000,000. one contestant chooses one suitcase, in hopes that it is the one that holds the million dollar prize. he or she chooses case after case, thus eliminating the possibilities of the case they chose originally.

although i'm not a big fan of the show, i catch it here or there as i flip through channels and i can't help but wonder....isn't this a perfect picture of life?

in faith we choose the truths we will live by, believing that we've chosen right by eliminating the possibilities through our experiences with them. as we get rid of cases that hold $5, $50, $500 we get cocky. we press forward knowing without a doubt that we hold the million dollar truth. but then we choose case #14, secretly holding the half million and it feels like we've been punched in the gut. it hits too close to home. we begin to doubt whether or not we hold the truth. and then the banker offers us a tempting $40,000 and we can't help but weigh the options. a solid, actual $40,000 or faith in the $1,000,000 long-shot? it's tempting...

there's the banker, and then there's the other people holding the suitcases of chance. and instead of competing with the contestant, the people holding the 24 other suitcases cheer them on, sharing in the joy or the disappointment as each new case reveals whether or not the contestant will be going home with a big prize. i swear, some of the case holders take the news with more animation than the contestant! tears of defeat and shrills of triumph - you would think that they were the ones winning or losing the million dollars.

isn't that what the church should be?

isn't that how churches ought to treat other churches? if we believe in the same God, then why do churches compete with one of another? why do we even think about who has the better vacation Bible school, the better praise band, or the larger youth group? when shouldn't we be cheering each other on? the closing of the church down the street is a failure for all of us. the growth of another ministry is a success for us all to celebrate.

so, my comrades of faith: can we break down the barriers of competition and build bridges of shared experience? can we move forward into the world as one unified Body? deal or no deal?

the silence says it all

he's not in the room anymore. i hear his long nails on the old linoleum flooring in the kitchen. then nothing. i hear nothing.

"PEEEEETE!!!"

he's done it again. i can tell by the silence in the other room. he's jumped up on the counter and eaten some of my cookies from off of the cooling rack. it's happened so many times i don't even have to see it - i know it from the next room.

pete and i, well, we aren't so different. sometimes i try to sneak away from the Master Chef to get a taste of a life that isn't so healthy. i think to myself, "if i'm not supposed to, then why is it right here within arms reach, so easy to get to? surely this is a sign that it's okay, right?" maybe that's what pete was thinking too.. but God knows my steps like i know pete's. God knows my wrongdoings from my silence.

when i'm drifting, my prayer life disappears. i get so hung up on my own ideas for my life that i forget about communicating with my Maker. i forget about communion with my God. and i bet the Master Communicator can tell by my lack of conversation that i'm treading in dangerous territory. i'm in the next room eating the cookies that will eventually make me sick.



i yell a severe "NO" as i arrive in the kitchen just as he jumps down from the counter. he knows that he's in trouble. his head turns low and his ears pull back. i look him square in his big sad eyes and sternly say another "NO" as i point at lips that might as well be quivering, they look so guilty. he always jumps a little at the word - i think he knows what comes next. he lowers his bottom in hopes of avoiding the inevitable smack on the butt.

the worst part about disciplining pete has been the need to pop his butt. he hates it. i hate it. it's a mutual hatred. i wish that a good stern "no" did the trick. but it doesn't. clearly, the message hasn't yet sunk in that jumping on the counter tops and eating people food is not okay. so what next? maybe i'll try the water squirt in the face method again.

i am so frustrated. he knows he shouldn't jump on the counter. clearly, he knows this by his guilty response when i catch him in the act. he knows he shouldn't, but he does it anyway. he knows that the pop on his butt will hurt, but he does it anyway.

...i know that i shouldn't. i know that the consequences are painful. but i, too, choose the mistake time and time again.

will we ever learn? i sure hope so. for pete's sake and for mine.

pete ate my dinner

in the past 48 hours, pete has successfully:
1. eaten 3 freshly baked chocolate cookies from off the kitchen counter
2. eaten half of my dinner from my plate while i looked away for a moment
3. peed not once or twice, but three times on katy's floor
4. pooped on her floor as well
5. utterly refused to get out of the car and come inside

he has me on edge. well, a lot of different factors have me on edge these days, but his behavior sure isn't helping the situation. it's exhausting when it only effects me. it's humiliating when he acts so horribly at katy's as well.

why is pete acting out like this? clearly he's not happy. i left him. abandoned him for an entire week. and sure, he had the best petsitter a girl could ask for, but i've never left him for that long. and then i came home and have been working nonstop ever since i hit the village again. (it's that time of year again, when i realize that my student leaders return in less than two weeks, that summer as i've known it is coming to a quick end, and that i have not accomplished near what i had planned. it's a stressful time in the stokes penthouse...) so i've been bringing home work every night and hammering away at it while i sit on the couch and all but ignore poor pete.

he's lonely and he's begging for attention.

so am i.

okay, not exactly... more than lonely, i'm frustrated. and more than attention, i crave recognition for my work. ironically, part of my "homework" tonight was to revise the student leader handbook (yet again) and add a section on the importance of recognition in student organizations. i found myself paralyzed. i stared at the blank screen not sure of what exactly i wanted to write. when i finally began, my fingers typed not an explanation to students of the research associated with the direct correlation between sincere recognition and job performance, but instead they shared the fatigue of an over-worked, under-appreciated soul.

as i write, i almost want to take it back. i know that my work is appreciated. i see it in the smiles of students engaged in meaningful activities and i feel it from the support of my fantastic student development cohorts.

but as nicole nordeman sings, "we all need an atta boy or an atta girl" sometimes. we need a pat on the back (not on the head). studies show that job performance rises with the implementation of recognition programs. we all do better when we celebrate our successes. too often we forget to say "thank you". but if you want your organization to be successful, then you must take time to appreciate your accomplishments as individuals and as an institution.

so tomorrow, instead of working on the millions (okay, only 24) items on my weekly to-do list, i'm going to work on creating a recognition program for my little corner of the university. we need ways to thank colleagues and students for their service, ways to recognize their dedication to excellence.

i will also take pete for an extra long walk which will commence with an extended game of fetch in the front yard. maybe i'll even treat him to a bath. he really does love bath time...



in addition, i have a few words for my summer office teammates:

to katy - your work on the curt project is remarkable. it is exciting to see you so excited about this opportunity!

to paula - your endurance with helicopter parents is incredible. you answer phone calls by the dozens every hour with the sincerity and patience of a saint.

to will - you consistently go above and beyond and it does not go unnoticed. your ability to see a need and fill it before anyone asks is inspiring.

to lindsey - you are deeply missed. i sat in your office yesterday in silence to soak in the fact that you are gone. without you i would have gone crazy this summer. your positive attitude and frank analysis were just what the doctor ordered.

to rachel - your ability to take a task and complete it with perfection is absolutely ideal. i never have to question the level of work i will receive. this is rare. (especially for an opinionated perfectionist like me.)

to becca - your level of expertise in the areas of residence life and alcohol education are critical to student success. you are not only a joy to work with, you are needed here. your knowledge is extraordinary, especially considering your years in the field.

morality

why is it so much harder to disappoint someone else, then to disappoint ourselves?

isn't that what morality is all about anyway? it's about avoiding judgment and seeking affirmation. whether from a deity, a society, a family, or an institution, it's all about what others think about us. even when we think that morality comes from some evasive truth within ourselves, well doesn't that just develop from what we've read, who we've known, what we've been taught, and how we've been raised? does one ever really develop a moral code completely out of the blue? no. prove me wrong, but i truly believe that morality comes completely from our societies.

maybe that's why tonight, when i was straying from what i believed to be the "right path" i reached out to my friend katie. katie has always been someone to tell it like it is. never one to sugar coat anything, i knew that katie would slap me across the face with the truth. the truth, also known as morality in this case, was that i am better than the situations i let myself get into. that i was already knee deep in the water and if i were to continue down the path i was headed, i would drown. as dionne farris sings, "don't go near the water if you don't like to swim." if you won't like the outcome down the road, don't entertain the idea at all.

it's a slippery slope. maybe that's why christians regularly pray, "lead me not into temptation" because every bad situation begins with a seemingly small decision for the wrong. it all begins with temptation. and as katie reminded me tonight, sadness, loneliness, boredom - all of these things and more can cloud our judgment in tempting situations. if we let them, those feelings can lead us down dark paths that may offer us fulfillment for a short while but never long-term happiness. typically, when all is said and done, we're left just as we came (and sometimes worse) - discontent and depressed.

katie was exactly the person i needed to talk with tonight. first, she reassured me of her unconditional love and respect for me. second, she reminded me of things i already knew - of honor and commitment. she reminded me of the kind of person i seek to be and the simple truth that every decision i make has consequences even well beyond my reach.

she told me nothing i didn't already know. she said nothing i had not already considered but hearing it from her was more powerful than anything i thought myself.

accountability. it's what keeps morality in practice. because morality is dead if others quit passing judgment on us. as i said earlier, if i would only disappoint myself with bad decisions then i'd probably make them more often. the thought of disappointing katie though? that is more than i care to bear.

so i alter my behavior as well as my attitude. as i've said before, we change our lives one decision at a time, and sometimes we have to keep making that same decision over and over again to keep heading in the direction nwe've chose. today, i again decide that i deserve more than what i've settled for before.

reunion

"maybe one day i can have a reunion with myself." ~ sebastian bach

it's been anywhere between 5 and 8 years since the last time i spent time with my dear old friend, ryan. we became fast friends in a 1st period high school art class. it wasn't long before ryan, chandra, and i were inseparable. at the time ryan was one of the most important people in my life.

many times over my years, being a youth pastor with teenagers and now with my work in the university setting, students have shared with me stories of hearts broken and friendships lost. i tell my students to cherish every moment they have with the people they love, because when one chapter of your life closes and you move on to the next you may be surprised by who goes with you and maybe even more surprised by who doesn't.

when i left high school and moved on to college life, i thought i was sure of the friends that would stay in my life. ryan was one of them. so how did we end up here, 9 years later and having to catch up on a greater third of our lives? well, i'm not sure... life happened, i guess. i went to college out of state and lost contact.

then yesterday we were reunited. through the wonderful world of facebook, we reconnected and set up a lunch date during my drive from michigan back to north carolina. it felt like a reunion with myself, remembering the person i once was when ryan was last in my life.

more importantly, i could have sat there in conversation with him all day. and nothing, absolutely nothing in this world beats a hug from ryan. somehow i had forgotten...

as i tell my students, sometimes friendships change as you move through life and that's okay. it's only natural. i have been blessed with incredible friends throughout every phase of my life. i have friends today that have been a part of my life since the church nursery, but i've also lost contact with some fantastic people like ryan over the years. reuniting with him yesterday felt like finding pieces of myself again.

so, to my dear friend ryan: thank you. thank you for staying the same lovable, funny, artistic, intelligent guy while evolving into such an incredible man over the years. it is an honor to call you my friend once more.



take some time today and thank the people in your life who have helped to shape you into who you are becoming. cherish the friendships that blossom each day. find people who will make you laugh, share your tears, challenge your mind and strengthen your soul and hold on tight. life sure is a lot more fun and lot more meaningful with them around.

qualities of presidential proportion

as the institution searches for a new president, it seems as though everyone has an opinion on what they should be looking for and who they should hire. although i may not be as vocal as some others, i too find myself defining what it is i would like to see in the candidates they consider.

and so...to the search committee...the following is a list of qualities i'd like to find in our new president:

1. clear vision. whatever the department, we must all truly measure our objectives against the priorities of the university as defined by our mission statement. if our values have changed, then we need to realign our purpose.

2. transparency and communication. we need someone who will be open and honest about the goings on of the university and demand the same from her/his cabinet.

3. innovative fund-raising. it is no secret that most businesses are hurting these days, and institutions of higher education are not exempt.




i find great satisfaction in creating order out of chaos. at grandma's, i pulled all 100 items out of her linen closet, cleaned and reorganized it. in my office, i spent one evening overhauling the entire file system. my favorite, however, is untangling knotted necklaces. untangling the mess, memorizing each strand - where it came from and how it connects, knowing that somehow some way it will all make sense again. that the necklace will be wearable again someday. such a sense of accomplishment is realized in the end.


there are others like me out there in the world. they see a mess and their blood begins to race. the excitement over the opportunity to fix something is astounding.


that is the type of president we need. someone who is not afraid to stare at the necklace and memorize chain patterns until you pinpoint the problem and address it. someone who wants to get to know faculty and staff and all of the processes we abide by, pulling the loose ends free from the knots and beautifying the piece once more. because this institution is a beautiful community, and we are meant for greatness.

this i believe

"if you started a church, i just might consider going"

i spent part of my adolescent life trying to convert my brother to my form of christianity. like most young christians (both in age and in spiritual maturity) i was naive and i saw everything in the black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. if God was real and the Bible was fact then my brother was wrong.

fast forward a few years: it is the summer before my senior year of college and i'm living in lewisburg, wv interning at lewisburg united methodist church, one of the final steps to earning my christian education and religion degree. i met regularly with the senior pastor for what we liked to call our "spirituality sessions", sanctioned meetings to prepare me for the realities of a life in professional ministry. we were in the middle of one of those spirituality sessions at a little ice cream shop on east washington street discussing my upcoming vacation for my brother and sister-in-law's wedding when she asked me, "do you think your brother is going to hell?" it wasn't completely out of the blue but it wasn't entirely expected either. she took me quite by surprise.

i stumbled over an answer. i knew in my heart that i wanted to say "no", but how could i explain that against the plain and simple gospel that i had grown up on? through college i had studied the writings of augustine and tillich, aquinas and barth, wesley and bonhoeffer, bultmann and merton, and let's not forget not one but two niebuhrs. didn't every one agree that in order to get into heaven we must believe in Jesus Christ as Lord ans Savior? didn't every one agree that without Christ, there was no heaven? didn't every one agree that if not heaven, then hell?

didn't they?

or didn't they...

boldly, i replied "no", not knowing what her reaction would be. without a twitch, she continued eating her ice cream and said, "me neither" as if we were agreeing about the state of the weather and not about the future of my one and only brother's very soul.

such a simple moment, but a page-turner for the development of my own personal faith. throughout my 10 years spent in deep theological academic spiritual study i have believed a lot of different things about God, all that we call "creation", and the relationship between the two. i've gone back and forth on the existence of heaven and of hell. i've believed that conservatives have it right and i've believed that only the liberals know the truth. i've begged for both thick books of denominational doctrine and simple three word mission statements. i have prayed to God the Creator, Abba Father, Master Artist, Mother, Great Deity, Ultimate Love, and the Answer. i think the ebb and flow is only natural for the amount of religious study that has consumed my life.

when trevor said that he would visit a church if i built it, it made me wonder...have i watered down the Gospel to the point that anyone can ascribe to it? or have i dug through enough of the man-made gospel and have finally found the God-given truth? knowing my audience, i know some of you will fall on either side of that question.

i choose not to fall, though. i choose to live in the question. (and that's different from sitting on the fence, for those of you already pointing fingers and quoting scripture at me.) and i know that there are a lot of christians out there who choose to embrace the gray areas of faith along with me. i'm not alone in my belief, but outsiders of the church (and yes, i will call them that. not because i am the norm and they are the "other", but because the church has kept them outside, sometimes even purposely.), outsiders of the church only hear what either far side of the widely varied christian spectrum have to say. they only hear the extremists, most of whom many of us would revoke their christian membership card if we could. (that's a whole different discussion right there.) no wonder they want nothing to do with our God... how do the 80% of us who don't protest military burials or burn piles of religious books speak up? how do we share our understanding of faith?

the bottom line is that my spiritual mentor many years ago in lewisburg, wv spoke a truth i still believe when she said, "i think God gets us all in the end, one way or another" because i believe that God had us all before we were even conceived. i believe in a God that is in every bit of creation including each of us. God gets us all in the end, one way or another, because God had us in the beginning and never let us go. loving others is not just about sharing your faith, it's about unifying the one God within us and around us.

a few things i know i believe:
1. God is neither male nor female. God is greater than any human explanation.
2. God's ways are bigger than my human brain can comprehend.
3. God never gives up on us. never.
4. Jesus is the Master Teacher of how to live a perfectly faithful life.
5. The Holy Spirit is the source of creativity and the inspiration for love.
6. the bottom line is not heaven or hell - it's Love.

waiting

pete has a wretched rash on his belly and legs. i noticed it a couple nights ago and did what any sane, rational person would do - i googled it. the first website that popped up on the search told me that it was cancer. it was a message board where someone had described exactly what i saw on pete and asked what people thought it was. the first response read (no lie), "it's cancer. get him to a vet immediately!" i knew better than to begin worrying that pete had cancer, but i couldn't help but laugh a little at the absurdity that someone would perpetuate such fear.

my internet diagnosis attempt ended there. the next morning i made an appointment with the vet and took pete in that afternoon. it's merely a common skin irritation, most likely caused by an allergic reaction or the extreme heat we've been experiencing here in the carolinas. we were sent home with steroids, antibiotics, and a medicated shampoo.

i am so lucky that pete is a behaved bather. from day one he has loved getting his weekly bath. well, last night he wasn't quite so happy. i doused him with this medicated shampoo (which didn't suds up, so i'm sure i used entirely too much) and then made him sit in the bath for a long 15 minutes before rinsing him clean, just as the instructions indicated.

15 minutes to get through airport security is a breeze. 15 minutes for a dog soaking wet sitting in a bathtub is a lifetime.

he sat quietly for the first couple minutes, but then he got antsy. he looked at me with eyes begging for a release, but i came prepared for war. i pulled out a brand new rawhide bone and held it in the tub while he gnawed and wagged his tail. at 14 minutes he had grown tired of the bone and pushed to get out. he was struggling free, but i pushed back, holding him in the tub, determined that we would make it the full 15 minutes. at 14.45 he tried the sneak attack to escape, but i outsmarted him. i started the water again, rinsed him clean, dried him off, and set him free. he grabbed the rawhide and ran through the house, happy as a clam. you would have never known that i had just put him through hell.

waiting is no fun.

waiting for...
dinner to come out of the oven
a phone call from a potential employer
tickets for your favorite band to go on sale
your professor to post your final grade
the addiction to subside
miraculous healing of body or soul
the test to reveal a pregnancy
real honest unconditional love

i've heard it all the past few days. so many friends and students seem to be waiting for something and all will agree that it's not easy. it's hard to be patient while you're waiting for the next chapter of your life to unfold.

as tom petty sings, "the waiting is the hardest part".

but you know what makes waiting a little more bearable? good friends who will entertain you, support you, and yes, even restrain you in your time of waiting. friends who will outsmart you when you try to cheat and keep your feet planted when everything inside you is convincing you to run away.

this time, waiting for whatever it is - it is a gift. and we can choose to pout. or run. or give up. or we can choose to embrace the wait as part of the journey and accept the love and support of friends who help us get through til dinner is ready, the phone call comes through, healing occurs, motherhood begins, love sweeps us off our feet.

we are not defined by what we wait for, but in how we handle the journey to get there.

grandpa died

i had just arrived in wilmington. we stood at the glass door, watching pete, omen, and bodhi introduce themselves.

"are you pete's mommy?" zedica asked.
"yes. i am pete's mommy." i replied.

"who are his grandma and grandpa?"
"the same as yours - grandma sue and grandpa tom."

"who are his great grandma and great grandpa?"
"well, the same as yours - grandma marilyn."

zedica paused for a moment, then said
"grandpa tater died."
with the tender certainty only a three year old can muster.

my eyes filled with tears as we stared out that glass door together. one drip of heartache rolled down my cheek before i composed myself enough to change the subject.


i haven't really been able to say those words yet. i've mentioned "his passing" and i've said that i "miss him", but to say "grandpa died", well that takes more strength that i have to give just yet. i haven't been able to change my address book in my cell phone either. it still reads "grandma and gramps". deleting the word feels too much like deleting him.

we're not just mourning a grandfather. it's so much more than just a person that was. it's about the future that will never be. it's knowing that grandpa will never teach zedica to fish. that he'll never teach her to pick out a proper paint brush or sand down a freshly cut piece of wood. he'll never teach her to sing "don't worry, be happy" while driving around in his old buick. he'll never draw her cartoons to tell her that he misses her while he's vacationing the winter in florida and she'll never get grossed out when he puts velveeta cheese on his chocolate donut.

we all have to live with the "never"s and the "never again"s, i guess. i will never dance with him to harry belafonte's 'turn around' at my wedding like i've had planned since i was much younger. the last time we danced together was at trevor and nicole's wedding. i wish someone had taken a picture so i could remember that moment forever...

selfishly, i'm jealous of zedica though. because at least she knew him. at least he got to hold her. at least he got to hear her tell him that she loves him. at least there are pictures of them together that she can look at when she's older. my children will never have that...

grandpa died. ...there i said it.

i miss him...