the discount bin at manifest disc

"where's the discount christian music? the 25 cent bin?" he practically yelled across the store. i couldn't help but cringe a little. a slight cringe quickly followed by overwhleming guilt.

i was embarrassed. for so many years i've turned my nose to typically christian artists. a student came to my office the other day to show me a website with the 5 worst worship songs and i laughed with absolute pride, knowing that i too hated all of the songs listed.

side bar: it's okay to hate a worship song. a song in and of itself is not worship. it is the hearts who sing it and the spirit it inspires that makes it worshipful. so, it is perfectly okay to hate a worship song. for example, awesome God sends a sharp pain down my spine and sends me into near convulsions every time i hear it. it quite possibly could be the number one worst song i have ever known. for others, it is truly awesome. for me, it conjures up memories of my teenage years, and a crazy man running up and down the aisles of youth annual conference while we sang the chorus eight million times. the song isn't that great to begin with, but sing it eight million times while thousands of teenagers roll their eyes? terrible.

the christian music i listen to is of the non-christian variety. i'm talking about the christian radio rejects like derek webb, over the rhine, or sean mcconnell - the type you never hear on the radio because their band names aren't scriptural references and their songs aren't entitled "Jesus is my boyfriend" or anything ridiculously shallow like that. instead, they write about hypocrisy and injustice and *gasp* even write about drinking or doubting or depression or sex. themes of hope and love and, yes, even faith in Jesus Christ are found in the underlying meanings as you read between the rugged lines of their poignant poetry.

so to hear rich yell "christian music" to explain what i was looking for, well, that was tough.

then to hear "25 cent bin" only worsened the pain. not only was i looking for christian music, but apparently i was looking for the really crappy stuff that no one else wanted. i cringed.

have you ever cringed over faith?

i have. many times. i'm embarassed every time i see fred phelps on the news. i'm ashamed that other people may think we share the same faith because we both call it "christianity". i'm embarassed every time i hear churches justify their exclusivity (race, political agenda, gender in preaching, sexual orientation, etc.) with scripture. i'm ashamed that the very people they exclude will think that they mean less to the Creator. i'm embarassed when i hear preachers like joel osteen teach prosperity theology. i'm ashamed that christians would be more concerned about their own lives being blessed than advocating justice for the the millions of people who are physically starving in the world. ...i've cringed a lot over the years.

not to compare christian music with westboro baptist church, but it has been one of those questionable areas under the umbrella of christianity with which i'd rather not be associated.

well, for better or worse, i followed rich to the discount bin and he pulled out my so-called crappy christian cd.

jon foreman. double disk. fall/winter. $1.00 (not quite a quarter sale, but close enough.


i've listened to the cd every day since i left that store. i can't put it down.
tonight at 3am, i find myself praying the lyrics to God as i fall to sleep.

"you remember me before i learned to run.
...i am still running.

build me a home inside your scars
build me a home inside your song
build me a home inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong"
~jon foreman 'i am still running'

fireflies

fireflies ushered me home tonight as i drove the usually dreary US-52. these tiny lights of summer flashed spontaneously around my car as i approached my driveway and i couldn't help but smile.

summer has finally arrived :)

fireflies are the ultimate sign of summer. since i was a little girl, the sight of these luminescent bugs in the nighttime sky meant that summer had commenced, which translated in my child mind to school-less days and flashlight tag filled nights.

today, at twenty-six, not much has changed. a smile still creeps across my face at the sight of such wonder. fireflies are still just as much a mystery to me now as they were when i was a child. did the Creator pinch a piece of stardust and implant it into these bugs? or is it sunlight? or liquefied bliss?

i'm sure science could give me a reason for these lighted bugs, but i prefer childlike imagination.

two of my favorite students were married this morning. it was on my first pfeiffer fall break mission trip that their love began and it was my honor to be part of their day today. sarah walked down the aisle to the peanuts theme song, and they left the ceremony with "you've got a friend in me". they share a deeply spiritual love for one another, but they aren't afraid to keep the silly child inside alive and vibrant. with music from peanuts, up, and toy story as music in the ceremony and including ultimate frisbee as part of the reception activities we couldn't help but get swept away with the beauty of their love story.

when was the last time you let the child inside of you out for the world to see?

when was the last time you skipped down the sidewalk?
made a mud pie?
played on a swing set?
ran through a field?
built a fort in the middle of your living room?
played flashlight tag with your neighbor friends?
laughed til you cried?
smiled so big that it hurt?

don't be afraid to be a bit childish sometimes. it is so good for your soul...

tonight when i pulled up to my house, i got out and chased fireflies across my yard for ten whole minutes. i'm sure that if my neighbors saw me, they thought i was crazy but i don't mind because the fireflies and i, well, we were having a blast!

life happens when you're not looking

today i got stung on the very tip of my finger by an imaginary bee. i say imaginary because i never saw it. all of a sudden, my finger just began to burn with paralyzing intensity. i headed straight to the freezer and pulled out an ice pack. i stood there wincing in pain as i iced my finger, only pulling it away periodically to see if the stinger had worked its way out yet. eventually it did, and the swelling came down and the burning ceased, but it got me thinking...

how is it that a little bee sting can send me over the edge with pain, but the gallbladder attacks never phased me? it was months before i finally saw a doctor and found out that i needed emergency surgery to remove it. how is that my finger bothered me more than the cartwheels i did on the beach with a broken collarbone? i went on a mission trip for a whole week after my car accident before seeing a doctor and realizing that my clavicle had broken in half.

it's ironic that the imaginary bee got me as i was fearfully brushing away a spider web on my porch. i stared at the spider with such intention, scared to death that it would get to me before i got the web cleared from my pathway. that spider didn't get me, but something else did. it's like i was having a staring competition with that spider and she sent in the bee as a pinch hitter.

it happens all the time. we focus so intently on the thing we fear that we are unaware of other surrounding dangers, as if we're playing chicken with a car in oncoming traffic, but miss the semi that t-bones you from the right.

my grandma has been receiving a lot of phone calls since grandpa passed away a couple months ago. they ask for "alfred" and she defiantly responds with, "he's not available right now, can i take a message?". when i was in ohio she received one of these disturbing calls and the caller id read "kingston". i did a reverse search with the phone number, and sure enough it was from kingston, jamaica. dad called the number back, but couldn't get anyone on the other end to speak sensibly.

grandma called her credit card company this morning as a result of a phone call when someone knew the last 4 digits of her card number and found out that someone had made fraudulent charges on her card. those charges were made in jamaica. absolute craziness.

because of all of the stress she's felt with all of the phone calls and credit card business, she forgot to make her weekly call on sunday to her cousin doris, who has been in the hospital for several weeks. after everything was dealt with about the charges, she dialed the hospital. the nurse on the other end of the line politely told her that doris was not longer at the hospital. grandma explained that she was a relative and asked where she had gone. "...she passed away on wednesday."

it's that imaginary bee stinging my finger,
that semi truck slamming into the side of your car.

"life happens when you're not looking."
that's what they say...

every breath is a second chance

i was talking with a friend the other day when she looked at me and said, "i don't want to be the hook-up girl anymore" and laughed. it was the sort of laugh that is birthed from insecurity. we've all done it - said something in jest that held more truth than we were willing to admit. knowing this wasn't the time nor the place to dive into a deep discussion about the reasons we do the things we do and who she was created to be, i laughed along and moved the conversation in another direction.

tonight, though, i'd like to revisit the topic. someone once told me "you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh." it was advice given for a rather shallow fraction of my life, but it has become my mantra for so much more.

i was once in a pretty crappy relationship. well, calling it a relationship might be inaccurate. it lasted (on and off) for a couple of years. i didn't know that i deserved anything better, so i just kept going back. he wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't the right guy. i didn't like the person i became when i was with him. it was toxic. it was like an addiction. i knew it wasn't a healthy situation, and i was hurt and angry more often than i was happy. then one day i remembered...you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh.

so i didn't pick up the phone the next time he called. the next party i was invited to that he would be at, well i didn't go. i even went so far (looking back, maybe too far) as to all but cut our mutual friends out of my life. i decided that i deserved more and i walked away.

since we were little girls, we have been taught that if you get the prince to kiss you then your true life will begin. ever heard of snow white? prince kisses her and she wakes up from a coma. cinderella? prince kisses her and the next thing we know they're married and living happily ever after. it's been ingrained into our very beings that the goal is to get the guy to kiss you. so my friend isn't too far off, right?

but i believe that we were created to be in communion with each other, not just relationship. relationship is just another word for a connection or association. but to be in communion with another person, well that's something quite a bit deeper. to be in communion means to share. you don't just know the other person, but you share with them your thoughts, your feelings, your bread, your wine, your heart, your mind, the very soul of your life. and i think deep down we all crave not a relationship with another person, not a fleeting kiss or a weekend romance, but communion. we crave communion because that's how we were built to live. we settle for less because we forget that we deserve so much more.

it hasn't always been easy. i still run into the guy i spoke of earlier from time to time and he's still just as charming as he ever was. the thing is...you don't turn away from your old life one day and never look back. you change your life with every decision you make, every moment, and sometimes you have to keep making the same decision to want more for your life over and over again to keep your life on the right track.

this song by julie miller has been running through my head for the past couple days and it seems appropriate for tonight:



You can have my heart
though it isn't new
it's been used and broken
and it only comes in blue

it's been down a long road
and it got dirty along the way
if i give it to You will You make it clean
and wash the shame away

You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
if You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make things old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart

so beyond repair
nothing i could do
tried to fix it myself
but it was only worse when i got through

but then You walked right into my darkness
and You speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child
til my frozen tears fall at Your feet

You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
in You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
~broken things, julie miller

summer concert series 2010 kick-off

"when you're lost and you're found
and you're found then you're lost
when you're dancing with no one around
you're coming home to Me
just remember...you're coming home to Me.

when you get there you'll know
that's as far as you go
when you get there you'll see
you were already free"
~coming home to me, patty griffin

i didn't realize how little my friends knew about patty griffin until she came to charlotte and rich was the only one excited to go to the concert with me. (i can't expect everyone can be as music-minded as heather and rich, haha)

patty has been a favorite of mine for some time, but it seems like some of you just don't know her music. or maybe you do... kelly clarkson, dixie chicks, jessica simpson, emmylou harris, bette midler, the wreckers, brandon heath, joan osborne, miranda lambert, reba mcentire, martina mcbride, and heck, even susan boyle are among those who have recorded her songs. or maybe you heard her singing along with dierks bentley, joshua radin, buddy & julie miller, shawn colvin, willie nelson, or elis paul on their albums.

well, tuesday evening i had the pleasure of finally going to see her in concert. below is a video from another person at the concert - you can get a taste of what we saw.



you know patty griffin's music has power when it completely steals my attention from the distractions of the funky facial expressions of her little drummer boy and the subtle sexiness of the piano man in her band. sure, sitting in the direct middle of the fifth row, so close to one of your musical idols, well that doesn't hurt either. but the way she sings with her whole being is intoxicating. (be sure to download her song "coming home to me" and search for her and buddy singing "gasoline and matches" - my two favorite moments of the night.)

carole king the other night was the same way. she may be nearing 70 years old, but i tell you, that woman can still rock it all night long. and there were these tender moments when she would look up from the piano and smile so sweetly at her dear friend as he played the guitar smiling back. every time james taylor smiled back at her marisa and i would audibly "awww" with the rest of the crowd. it was like two dear friends invited us into their living room that night to play some music just for us.

both nights - patty and buddy miller on tuesday and carole and james on wednesday - were absolutely incredible. it will take me weeks to process all that bubbled up in my soul. the concerts were worth every penny.

so what makes a concert worthwhile? for me, it's not just about good music - intonation, harmonization, tempo, etc. it's about soul. it's about sending a message. it's about sharing who you are and what you believe about life. it's about telling a story.

each of the four artists over those two nights of music aren't just songwriters, they're storytellers. (remember that show on vh1, storytellers? i loved that show. do they still have that? i don't have cable, so i wouldn't know.) they're not selling a concert, they're promoting an experience. they interact with their audience not to sell albums, but to welcome others into their story.

a good concert in my opinion is one where the artist shares some stories about their life and their music. you can feel their appreciation for their fans and you can see the gratitude they have for their band. most importantly, i want to hear something musically that i can't hear on your record. if i come to your show and you play your music exactly as it is on the record then i'll be extremely disappointed. i love stories and i love a good jam session. (although some take it a bit too far, i.e. dave matthews, and i get bored.)

carole king and james taylor gave us two encores. the first was my favorite song of theirs. carole wrote the song, but both recorded it and it always reminds me of 12 marion street. i loved the song before living there, but it sort of became an anthem during that time. i miss that roof...



as you can see, summer concert series 2010 is well under way at this point. friday night we added rich and his usual gig at the wine vault to the list. as marisa said, we like to mix it up with big names and local talent alike! next up: jack johnson and g love? barenaked ladies? we'll see. definite shows in the series this summer include lilith faith, brad paisley, and darius rucker (of course). this is going to be a great summer :)

65 years

65 years. that's what anniversary grandma and gramps would have celebrated this past saturday. 65 years of being madly in love with each other and i can't even imagine being in a relationship past a few short months without feeling the need to be on my own again and ending it.

judging by my calculations on my current age and relationship status, as well as the average lifespan these days, it is impossible that i will ever celebrate a 65th wedding anniversary. i guess grandma and gramps didn't quite make it either, but i've been thinking about all of the reasons that their love will always be the ruler my relationships are measured up against:

1. nicknames. i hate mushy nicknames, but theirs were funny - tater and twerp.

2. vacations. grandma has dozens of albums filled with photos from all of their vacations. they were always traveling together with their friends and the photos prove that they always had a good time.

3. hobbies. grandma loves to shop and she loves to sew. gramps loved carpentry, painting, and fishing. gramps would draw patterns for her sewing and she would pack lunches for his fishing. they always supported each others passions.

4. food. nothing beat a good meal as a family.

5. friends. they had a great group of friends surrounding them with love and support both as individuals and as a couple.

6. humor. gramps didn't say much, especially as he grew older, but he would always surprise you with a one liner and a smirk. and grandma's laugh, oh it is contagious! she laughs with her whole body. she stiffens up, her face smushes together and she silently laughs hysterically. it's a sight to be seen for sure.

7. care. grandma always made sure that he was comfortable, and gramps took care of her like the queen that he believed her to be.

8. love. even in their 80s, you could catch glimpses of that high school crush when they looked at each other. i truly believe that they fell more and more in love with each other every single day.

i want a love like that.