puffing

my friend bootsie knows a thing or two about boys. she's raised two of them, so she at least knows more than i do. years ago we were talking about her youngest son, who was in college at the time, and she talked about his "puffing". puffing (or maybe "poofing"? with her accent i could never tell...), she described to me, is when boys notice someone checking them out and they show off. she likened it to peacocks strutting and fanning their feathers to impress a peahen. puffing also occurs when boys notice someone they want to notice them, whether or not that someone is checking them out. they use this tactic to get what they want - attention.

i've seen my share of puffing, but wednesday night at the small town favorite, the sportszone, the puffing was out of control.

local law enforcement (i was there with a police officer so i know these things) says that thanksgiving eve is their worst day of the year. sportszone servers (ours sat and talked with us for a while so i know these things too) confirm the same sentiment for the bar. maybe it's because it's the first time many new college students come home, so it's a time to reconnect with old friends. or maybe it's because it's the first time old high school friends gather together again since turning 21, but the place is PACKED.

i've heard tell of this phenomenon, but have never experienced it until now. i remember friends calling me years ago after pseudo high school reunions at the thanksgiving eve sportszone party extraordinaire, but because i haven't been to ohio for thanksgiving in seven years, this was my first time seeing it first hand.

by now, the people i knew from high school have moved on. i recognized only two people in the entire bar with which i actually attended high school (other than the two friends i met there). the rest of the crowd were probably ten or twelve years old the last time i saw them. let's just say we felt old.

anyway, you can imagine the amount of puffing going on in this place. high school athletes seeing each other for the first time since graduation. girls dressed up in trashy clubbing clothes to see their friends (girls engage in puffing too, you know). everyone showing off how college has supposedly matured them and made them hotter.

i saw it that night, and i saw it all the time when i worked with high school and college students. guys acting completely normal until a pretty girl walks in and their entire posture changes. they stick out their chest a little stronger, let the light in their eyes dance a little brighter, and smile with a smirk that salesmen would kill for.

at times they would even try it on me. like somehow if they schmoozed me enough that it would make me more lenient with them.

one of the boys wednesday night tried it too. maybe it was because i knew his older brother. maybe it was to prove to himself that he could make an older girl interested in him. maybe he's just that ridiculous that it comes so naturally he can't control it.

just like i did when students did it, i couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. did he really think it was working? i've been working with teenagers and young adults for all of my adult life. i see through it every time.

sometimes i would let them think it was working because putting them in their place seemed like it would crush their confidence. then again, sometimes i would play the part of the confidence crusher with joy. it all depended on the mood i was in.



i'm preparing for a work event this week where i suspect there will be a lot of puffing. i am already planning my outfits and the fact that i'm doing this so early proves that i could succumb to a little bit of puffing myself. i will dress my best, present myself polished, and remain professional at all times. ...i will also be my authentic self at all times.

presenting your best self isn't a bad thing. and fundamentally, that might be what puffing is. but puffing always goes to the next level. it's the difference between my two old friends and i enjoying a conversation at the corner booth, and the two guys who start a fight and are escorted to the door in headlocks. it's the difference between planning my professional dress ahead of time and girls dressed like they're going to a hooker night club standing in the middle of a small town sports bar slash restaurant.

maybe if we stopped puffing we could actually let our authentic selves shine true. maybe if we all quit trying so desperately to impress each other we might actually take the time to get to know each other. maybe if we stopped caring what others thought about us so much we might actually be who we were meant to be and not some cookie cutter version of what society tells us we ought to be.

living together: yes or no?

someone asked me the other day how i felt about living with your partner without the promise of marriage. he was surprised by my response.

i prefaced my response by articulating my recognition of the fact that not everyone is as defensive about their lives as i am. so while i understand that what is best for me may not be best for everyone, i think that my reasoning may raise some good questions for him to ask himself before jumping into an apartment with his girlfriend too quickly.

most people think that i'm against non-marital cohabitation for conservative religious reasons. usually they think i just blindly believe that no one should live together because it implies sex outside of marriage and surely i would think that's an evil sin. they aren't exactly correct in their assumptions.

a summary of my beliefs in this arena:

1. i believe in gay marriage, so until that is acknowledged in all corners of the world then there will always be people in solid, beautiful, God-formed relationships living together without a marriage license. so, clearly the idea that living together outside of marriage is an evil sin is not an idea that i agree with.
2. i believe that the biblical stance on sex outside of marriage is less about the physical nature of the act and more about the mental and emotional implications of tying yourself to another person so completely. so, do i think that all sex outside of marriage is an evil sin? no. but do i think that there are very real implications for sexual relationships both outside and inside of a marriage? absolutely. (if you want to read more on this, check out rob bell's sex god, or, my favorite, lauren winner's real sex.)

now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to this blog.

i've heard a lot of great arguments in support of non-marital cohabitation. i get all of the postmodern "you have to know if you can live with the person, day in and day out" justifications and i understand that it really is important to realize what exactly you're getting into, but i think that's the very reason i don't think i could ever do it.

(are you confused yet? to sum up so far: i'm not against living together, i just don't think it's for me.)

i'm simply not strong enough to let someone so completely into my life without the guarantee that they won't disappear one day. and i know, i know...i know that signing a paper license makes no guarantees either, but i have to believe that standing before God, family and friends and declaring our commitment to one another makes walking away something very different from simply moving out of an apartment i shared with a guy i've dated for a few months.

as a creature of habit, the idea of living with someone day in and day out scares the heck out of me. i've been on my own for a long time now and i have my own particular way of doing things. creating new habits, new routines, new consistency with someone else will be hard work for me. really hard work. (are you appreciating yet just how much a hate change? because if not i can add another "really" with a capital R, or even all caps if that will make the message loud and clear.)

i think when you live with someone, when you offer your whole vulnerable self to that other person, that's an enormous risk to take. contrary to what some people may think, for me, it's not about the whole "your body is a temple" pre-marital sex stuff. it's about making sure that i'm prepared for the consequences, should an end come one day.

for example, here i am lying in bed, completely unsettled because my dog pete has chosen to sleep on the couch instead of cuddling up with me for the night. i can't get comfortable because "comfortable" for me now requires a warm dog curled up at my side whimpering through his nightmares.

what happens when comfortable means coming home every day to the same wonderful man to talk and laugh about our days at work? what happens when comfortable means sharing breakfast and dinner with the same person every day? what happens when cleaning the house takes half the time because he takes half of the chores? what happens when i depend on him to fix my car or remind me to make the regular six-month appointment with the dentist that i always forget? what happens when my stuff becomes his stuff and his stuff becomes mine?

wonderful happens, that's what.

but what happens when it ends?

that, my friends, is what makes me believe that i could never live with someone outside of marriage. because sharing life so intimately with someone else after having been so independent for so long will be difficult enough for me. having that all taken away? i think that's more then i could handle.

bedtime confession

confession: sometimes i sleep in the guest bed because my bed feels too crowded.

sure, i have an angry cat who likes to crawl on my face at night and a sixty pound pup who sprawls out like the bed is all his, but that's not really what causes the claustrophobia.

in the quiet of the night i'm haunted equally by the dark memories of regrets and the memories of better times. my heart starts racing and my mind sprints to keep up. suddenly, i am surrounded by my ghosts.

by grandpa and his quiet smile.
by that little boy in englewood who just wanted to be held.
by songs that touch my soul.
by stories that stretch my imagination.
by the hearts i've broken.
by the heart that broke mine.
by friendships built on mutual quirkiness.
by friendships that ended over trivial matters.
by the fact that i'm not living as "green" as i'd like.
by the fact that i never really knew my mother's father.
by stolen moments with strangers.
by swings that seemed to send us to the heavens.
by angry emails in my inbox.
by lyrics that can't seem to leave my head.
by questions for the Creator.
by questioning my self.

sometimes it just gets to be too much
and i can't handle it.

so i walk down the hall and crawl into a bed that's cold from a long vacancy.
sometimes the pets follow, but somehow the ghosts never do.

sudden loss

on a night like this, when stories of heartbreak and fear, frustration and even death are found on the other end of the telephone line, i pray.

i realize that we are holidays away from the season, but the spirit of easter is with me tonight.

i pray the prayer of good friday.

i pray the prayer of holy saturday.

i pray that easter will come for those suffering from such devastating life stories right now. i pray for the hope that comes with easter morning, all the while remembering that easter sunday doesn't bring with it the resolve of answers. if anything, it raises more questions.

but it brings hope. hope of a tomorrow without pain. hope of a life without death. hope of life everlasting.

and so my friends,
feel the pain of good friday.
experience fully the depth and breadth of utter heart-wrenching loss.

and feel the confusion of holy saturday.
the frustration of waiting for a future you're unsure will ever actually become reality.

just don't be so blinded by the loss that you don't recognize easter when it arrives...

regret

i miss the way your personality could light up any room.
the way the mere mention of your name could make people laugh and dance.

i miss the way your whole body would turn serious when you were arguing your point.
the way your whole stance would change and the light in your eyes would change from green to grey.

i miss the way you were always right.
or at least you thought you were...

i miss the way you knew something about absolutely everything.
the way your mind could remember every bit of information you had ever heard.

i miss the way you would smile at me from across the room.
the way the room seemed to part like the red sea and you could hear the distant movie score.

i miss the way you held my hand under the table so no one would see just how sweet you can be.
because those sweet little moments were the best of my life...

i miss the way you let me think i was meek, but loved the bold me better.
the way you didn't mind that i was a strong-willed, stubborn woman who only pretended to be laid back.

i miss the way you would text me loving words while we were sitting in a room full of friends.
the way you would remind me that you were mine and i was yours.

i miss the way you would kiss my forehead and make me feel for even just a moment like i was the only girl in the world.

i miss a lot of things about you.
...about us.

but i don't miss you.