easter sunday

i try to be as true to my word as God is to his. our word to you wasn't a careless yes canceled by an indifferent no. how could it be? when silas and timothy and i proclaimed the son of God among you, did you pick up on any yes-and-no, on-again, off-again waffling? wasn't it a clean, strong yes? 


whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. in him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident.


~ 2 corinthians 1.19-20, the message


Jesus is the ultimate Yes.
Amen. (which means "Yes")

holy saturday

then he was told, "go, stand on the mountain at attention before God.  God will pass by."
   
a hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.


when elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. a quiet voice asked, "so elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?"


~ 1 kings 15.11-13, the message

today i wait
because yesterday was a day of death
death of dreams
death of beliefs
the death of hope

today i wait
for God to "pass by"
though it won't be in a hurricane
and it won't be in the wind
and it won't be in an earthquake
and it won't be in the fire
for God comes in a whisper

today i wait.

good friday

at noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock.  then at three o’clock Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means “my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”


~ mark 15.33-34, new living translation 




if only good friday only came but once in a lifetime.  but for too many in this world, good friday is a daily existence.


the lonely
the hurting
the scared
the enslaved
the tortured
the hungry
the neglected
the forgotten


let us remember this day that good friday is not just a means to easter sunday.  good friday is a holy-day in and of itself.  

it is a day when God, through Jesus, felt the awful pangs of a tortured death.  it is a day when God, through Jesus, took on all of our pain - the loneliness, the hurt, the fear, the hunger, the cuts and bruises on our bodies and our souls.  it is a day that reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering, and that God knows how it feels.  

thank God for good friday.

maundy thursday

be merciful to me, o God, for man would swallow me up;
         fighting all day he oppresses me.
my enemies would hound me all day,
         for there are many who fight against me, o Most High.
        
whenever i am afraid,
         i will trust in You.
in God (i will praise his word),
         in God i have put my trust;
         i will not fear.
         what can flesh do to me?
        
all day they twist my words;
         all their thoughts are against me for evil.
they gather together,
         they hide, they mark my steps,
         when they lie in wait for my life.
shall they escape by iniquity?
         in anger cast down the peoples, o God!


You number my wanderings;
         put my tears into Your bottle;
         are they not in Your book?
when I cry out to You,
         Then my enemies will turn back;
         This I know, because God is for me.
in God (i will praise his word),
         in the Lord (i will praise his word),
in God i have put my trust;
         i will not be afraid.
         what can man do to me?


~ psalm 56.1-11, new king james version


what beautiful imagery..  "You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle"

holy wednesday

"jesus wept."
~ john 11.35, NIV

smallest verse in the bible.  biggest statement.

holy tuesday

"this is what the Lord says:
'those who survive the coming destruction
      will find blessings even in the barren land,
      for i will give rest to the people of israel.'

long ago the Lord said to israel:
'i have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
      with unfailing love i have drawn you to myself.
      i will rebuild you."

~ jeremiah 31.2-4, new living translation


have you ever been through something horrific?  maybe a flood or tornado or hurricane.  or maybe massive lay-offs or the devastating division between the people of an organization.

you saw it coming.  you felt the winds pick up and the sky turn green, but you stuck it out.  you stayed.  and you survived.

there's something about having lost everything you thought was true that makes life more real.  it shows us just how fragile our lives truly are.  but even in the nothingness that remains after such devastation....even in that barren land, God is there.  and God will rebuild you.

i have to believe that God will rebuild this place.  even in the rubble that continues to settle, even in the blank stares and low morale, even in everything that is wrong right now that God is here and that God will rebuild.

holy monday

"praise the Lord!
         praise the Lord from the heavens;
         praise him in the heights!
praise him, all his angels;
         praise him, all his hosts!
praise him, sun and moon;
         praise him, all you stars of light!
praise him, you heavens of heavens,
         and you waters above the heavens!"

~ psalm 148.1-4, new king james version

i thank you God

for the birds chirping outside my window (even if it wakes me from sleep)

for the smell of freshly mown grass (even if it excites my allergies)

for the beautiful blooming white tree next to my house (even if it smells horribly)

for the insects that sing me to sleep each night (even if it creeps me out)

for the sweet breeze flowing through the air (even if it warns of windy storms),

because the chirping, the aroma, the blooming, the singing, and the breeze...

this is creation praising You, our Creator. 

palm sunday

"Jesus was matter-of-fact: "embrace this God-life. really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. this mountain, for instance: just say, 'go jump in the lake'—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it's as good as done. that's why i urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. and when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. if you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."


~ mark 11.22-25, the message


saving God, give me courage to be wholly attentive
give me wisdom to know You when i see You
give me passion to love and worship You with abandon.

creating God, let me embrace this God-life
even the mundane moments can become extraordinary
when seen through Your eyes

merciful God, teach me how to love like You love
teach me how to forgive like you forgive
break my heart for what breaks Yours

almighty God,
who rode into Jerusalem today
with palms waving
and people worshiping
let me get lost in praising You
let me get lost in You

day forty

"generous in love—God, give grace! huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
   scrub away my guilt,
      soak out my sins in your laundry.
   i know how bad i've been;
      my sins are staring me down."


you're the One i've violated, and you've seen
      it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
   you have all the facts before you;
      whatever you decide about me is fair.
   i've been out of step with you for a long time,
      in the wrong since before i was born.
   what you're after is truth from the inside out.
      enter me, then; conceive a new, true life. "


"going through the motions doesn't please you,
      a flawless performance is nothing to you.
   i learned God-worship
      when my pride was shattered.
   heart-shattered lives ready for love
      don't for a moment escape God's notice."


~ psalm 51.1-6 & 16-17, the message


merciful God,
     i confess that i have not loved you with my whole heart.
we have failed to be an obedient church.
i have not done your will,
     i have broken your law
     i have rebelled against your love
     i have not loved my neighbors
     and i have not heard the cry of the needy.
forgive me, i pray.
free me for joyful obedience,
through Jesus Christ my Lord,
     amen.

this is the prayer that united methodists pray as part of our holy communion ritual.  i love this prayer.  although the prayer is written for a congregation and uses "we" instead of "i", as i sit in the pew and pray the words i always change it to the personal, individual tense.

because i fail daily.
heck, i fail hourly.
i fail all the time.

when was the last time (before this lenten study) that i stayed faithful to a spiritual practice?  when was the last time i served others that had nothing to do with my job?  when was the last time i went to a local church, other than the village church here on campus?  it's been at least a year. (unless you count going to church with my parents when i was in ohio.  then it's been since christmas.)

because the local church has failed me.

there, i said it.  the church has failed me.  i have always been a strong believer in the united methodist church and all it stands for.  i have accepted its faults, just as i accept the sometimes annoying little habits of some of my dearest friends, because when you love someone or something you choose to take the good with the bad.  these faults though...they've really taken a toll on me.

like the lack of hospitality.  we wonder sometimes in the umc why our young people are running away by the hundreds.  it's because we just don't care enough.  in general, churches do such a great job with programming for children and youth.  sometimes they even do a great job with parent groups and middle-aged and senior adult ministries.  but what about the young professionals?  the people who aren't popping out babies yet.  the ones who need the family of the church the most.

how was it so incredibly easy for me to walk away from the local church 2 years ago?  because they didn't truly care about me in the first place.  or at least that is how it felt (and continues to feel).  i know for a fact that the greater umc absolutely cares for its young adult constituency, but they continue to struggle with how to put hands and feet to that sense of care.  the church recognizes that it will die soon if it doesn't do a better job of caring for this generation of people they have ignored for so long, and they desperately want to fix the issue not because they selfishly don't want to die but because it breaks their hearts to know that these people are hungry for a fellowship of believers who go about the work of Christ in true and honest ways but simply haven't found it yet. 

so what do we do?  develop singles groups which die out in two-year's time because everyone ends up dating each other and breaking up?  create modern worship experiences that are visually and audibly appealing but require minimal participation and no intellectual or spiritual stimulation?  design new churches specifically for young adults that provide no longevity or intergenerational connectedness for its members?

what do we do?

i think we start with the prayer above and ask for the Maker of our hearts to break them open to notice the people in our pews, that God might use us to reach out to them in honest and pure ways that they might become an absolute part of our faith family.

day thirty-nine

"and solemnly lifting up His eyes on His disciples, He said: blessed (happy--with life-joy and satisfaction in God's favor and salvation, apart from your outward condition--and to be envied) are you poor and lowly and afflicted (destitute of wealth, influence, position, and honor), for the kingdom of God is yours!

blessed are you who hunger and seek with eager desire now, for you shall be filled and completely satisfied! blessed are you who weep and sob now, for you shall laugh!

blessed are you when people despise (hate) you, and when they exclude and excommunicate you [as disreputable] and revile and denounce you and defame and cast out and spurn your name as evil (wicked) on account of the Son of Man.

rejoice and be glad at such a time and exult and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is rich and great and strong and intense and abundant in heaven; for even so their forefathers treated the prophets.

but woe to (alas for) you who are rich (abounding in material resources), for you already are receiving your consolation (the solace and sense of strengthening and cheer that come from prosperity) and have taken and enjoyed your comfort in full [having nothing left to be awarded you].

woe to (alas for) you who are full now (completely filled, luxuriously gorged and satiated), for you shall hunger and suffer want! Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep and wail!

woe to you when everyone speaks fairly and handsomely of you and praises you, for even so their forefathers did to the false prophets."

~ luke 6.20-26, amplified bible


what do people say about you?  what do you think about yourself?  are they the same?

more importantly, what would God say about you?

"woe to you when everyone speaks fairly and handsomely of you..." but blessed are you who wait patiently to receive your rewards from the Maker when you finally meet face to face.

day thirty-eight

"i saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Omnipotent and the Lamb are its temple.
and the city has no need of the sun nor of the moon to give light to it, for the splendor and radiance (glory) of God illuminate it, and the Lamb is its lamp."

~ revelation 21.22-23, amplified bible


Lord God Omnipotent
Lamp to the Darkness
...illuminate me.

day thirty-seven

"my response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. i ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. and i ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. reach out and experience the breadth! test its length! plumb the depths! rise to the heights! 

live full lives, full in the fullness of God.  God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! he does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

~ ephesians 3.14-21, the message


...amen.

day thirty-six

"so hannah ate. then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary. the priest eli was on duty at the entrance to God's temple in the customary seat. crushed in soul, hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. then she made a vow: 

oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
   if you'll take a good, hard look at my pain,
   if you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me
   by giving me a son,
   i'll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
   i'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline."

 ~ 1 samuel 1.9-11, the message


infertility.  the bible is full of stories with women begging God, our Fertile Mother, to grant them the one desire of their heart - a child.

why did the writers of our christian heritage focus on such story lines?  of all the miracles and prayers, why was childbirth so important to them?

i think part of it might have been birthed (no pun intended) out of the fact that the writers who penned the testaments were men and knew very little about the mystery of pregnancy and birthing a child, but maybe a more plausible possibility would be that childbirth stories were right in line with other stories in the bible about people trying to fulfill their purpose amidst the obstacles they must face.  just think of the people of israel wandering in the wilderness and the manna pouring down from the heavens or the fishermen who could catch no fish until Jesus told them where to cast their nets.

a woman's job was the conceive sons to carry on the father's work and inherit the father's wealth.  sure, women did a lot of other things, but this was their primary purpose.  so infertility was more than a personal heartbreak, it was public humiliation and it was a failure to fulfill your purpose.

unfortunately, those same insecurities have followed women throughout the centuries since the writer of samuel wrote the birth story of the book's namesake.

have you known someone who has ever struggled with infertility?  have you ever sat in an exam room while a doctor tells you that there is little or no chance that you can ever conceive a child?  heartbreak, humiliation, and failure are thoughts and feelings that flood the mind.

luckily, modern science has gifted the human race with a multitude of medical options to beat the odds.  miracle pregnancies happen every day.

another miracle: society has grown up a little bit since hannah's time.  society doesn't shun couples who either physically can't or simply choose not to have children.  it's no longer something to be ashamed of.  it's no longer a valid reason for your husband to call for a divorce, like it was in hannah's time.  it's no longer something that deems you useless to your husband and to society. 

today, women have endless possibilities of purpose - so much more than just birthing children.  so maybe you've never struggled with getting pregnant, but maybe college was an intense challenge and you had to try several times before finally getting to dress up in the funny hat and gown to get your diploma.  or maybe you struggle with a drug or alcohol addiction and it's keeping you from being the person you know you are called to be.  whatever it is, hannah's story (and the many others like it, both in the bible and in today's headlines) shows us that God is listening.

God knows our prayers and God knows our purpose, and if we are asking for things that are part of that purpose then i have to believe that God will help us make it happen.  it might not happen right away, but i have to have faith that it will.  it might not be an easy road, but the end will be worth the means.

"we pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody.
beautiful, the mess we are.
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah"

~ amy grant, better than a hallelujah

day thirty-five

"Jesus came down the mountain with the cheers of the crowd still ringing in his ears. then a leper appeared and went to his knees before Jesus, praying, "Master, if you want to, you can heal my body."

Jesus reached out and touched him, saying, "I want to. be clean." then and there, all signs of the leprosy were gone. Jesus said, "don't talk about this all over town. just quietly present your healed body to the priest, along with the appropriate expressions of thanks to God. your cleansed and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done."

~ matthew 8.1-4, the message


you see, we present ourselves to Christ to be saved from death and to be given life eternal.  we offer ourselves to be changed by the One who changed the universe and His answer is always "Yes, I want to."

in Him, we are given new life.  it's not that our weaknesses go away - no.  heck, sometimes they even feel a bit bigger than before.  but in Him we are given His partnership, His strength, His healing.  in Him, we aren't alone.

but we are told not to shout about it all over town.  (put down the bullhorn and walk away!)  we are told to present our lives as a declaration of that Love Eternal and let that speak for itself.  if we are living the life that Christ has called us to live, then there is no need for words.  if we are living the life that Christ has called us to live, then we live in love and kindness, grace and mercy.

that's the kind of person i want to be.  that's the kind of life i want to lead.  that's what i call "christian".

day thirty-four

"at the time God made earth and Heaven, before any grasses or shrubs had sprouted from the ground--God hadn't yet sent rain on earth, nor was there anyone around to work the ground (the whole Earth was watered by underground springs)--God formed man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. the man came alive--a living soul!

then God planted a garden in eden, in the east. he put the man he had just made in it. God made all kinds of trees grow from the ground, trees beautiful to look at and good to eat. the tree-of-life was in the middle of the garden, also the tree-of-knowledge-of-good-and-evil.

a river flows out of eden to water the garden and from there divides into four rivers. the first is named pishon; it flows through havilah where there is gold. the gold of this land is good. the land is also known for a sweet-scented resin and the onyx stone."

~ genesis 2.5-15, the message


i remember the first time i found my name in the bible.  i was in early high school and in a youth disciple class at my church.  if you know about disciple bible studies, then you know that they are in depth bible classes.  in this particular class, we went through the entire bible in a year.

when i read the passage in genesis i couldn't believe it.  havilah.  just a different spelling of the same name.  havilah.  a land of sweet scents where gold and other precious stones are found.  havilah.  a lush land with a river birthed from a river in the wondrous garden of eden.

i felt more like chavaleh from fiddler of the roof.  chavaleh.  my namesake.  chavaleh.  disappointing her family and forgetting her heritage.  chavaleh.   falling in love with the absolute wrong guy.

the truth is that it took me a lot of years to grow into my name.  it's weird.  and hard to spell.  and seemingly impossible to pronounce.  i always felt too mediocre to have such an incredible name.  it took me a lot of years, but i finally embraced my name and discovered the precious uniqueness in myself.

as cheesy and sesame street as it sounds, God made you special.  the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can become the person you were created to be, the sooner you take pride in who you are, in where you came from, in Who you came from.

day thirty-three

"Jesus entered jericho and made his way through the town. there was a man there named zacchaeus. he was the chief tax collector in the region, and he had become very rich. he tried to get a look at Jesus, but he was too short to see over the crowd. so he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree beside the road, for Jesus was going to pass that way.

when Jesus came by, he looked up at zacchaeus and called him by name. “zacchaeus!” he said. “quick, come down! i must be a guest in your home today.” 

zacchaeus quickly climbed down and took Jesus to his house in great excitement and joy."

~ luke 19.1-6, new living translation


new kids on the block were big when i was a girl.  i had friends who had nkotb posters on their bedroom walls and nkotb folders in their trapper-keepers.  girls who begged their parents to go to their concerts and cried when their songs played on the radio.

i was never that girl.

several years ago i finally got to see over the rhine live in concert at a small venue in charlotte.  after their set, while the next musician was setting up, i noticed linford and the drummer standing along one wall of the bar.  i was about as giddy as i'd ever been to meet someone i had idolized like that.  i walked over, calmly said hello, told them i was a fan, shook their hands, and walked away.  that was it.

just this past year i met michael grubbs (of wakey!wakey!) and i think katy was amazed that i didn't faint. i had made such a big deal about going to the concert. coworkers were braced for me never to come back to work.  they were sure that i was going to jump in the tour bus and run off with the band. sure, i really dig his music and yes, i find him extremely attractive, but the truth is that all the hype was just for show.  when i finally met him that night we had a short dialogue, i got his signature and a photo, then said goodnight.

i sometimes wonder if i'd be the same with Christ.

i don't often question, "what would Jesus do?" but i do sometimes wonder, "what would i do if i were face to face with Jesus?"  is this faith just for show?  is the hype just an act?  or is this love real.  would i wait patiently in a long line to get his signature and a goofy picture?  or would i desperately run to the front and faint at the sight of such wondrous stardom?

would you climb a tree just to get a better look at Jesus?
or would you be content in standing at the back of the crowd?

because Jesus didn't go home with just anyone that day.  He went home with the man who was willing to take a risk and look foolish, just to get a glimpse of his Savior.

day thirty-two

"then jacob prayed, "oh God of my father abraham, God of my father isaac, Lord, you who said to me, ‘go back to your country and your relatives, and i will make you prosper,’  i am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. i had only my staff when i crossed this jordan, but now i have become two camps" 

~ genesis 32.9-10, new international version


oh God of my father abraham,
who called him out of his native land and into a new world
who kept him from having children for many desperate decades
and, once he finally did have a child, called him to kill the beloved son,
be with me as you were with abraham
when you walked with him step by step and gave him great land
when you heard his plea and the plea of sarai and gave him a son at age 100
when you promised to make him the father of a great nation.

oh God of my father isaac,
who called his life to be sacrificed by his father's hand
who stood by as old age took his sight
and, after that sight was lost, allowed him to be deceived by his own wife and son,
be with me as you were with isaac
when you saved his life on that altar stone
when you forgave him as he made the same mistakes as his father
when you answered his prayer and gave he and rebekkah a son.

oh God, my father,
who watches my life play out like a rollercoaster of emotion
who silently stands by as my questions fill the sky
who seems so far away sometimes,
let me remember the times when you were with me
when you pulled me out of the despair of depression and gave me life again
when you forgave me for making the same mistake for the thousandth time
when you answer my prayers even when the answer is simply "not right now".

day thirty-one

"your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   you, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
how priceless is your unfailing love, o God!
   people take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
they feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
for with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light." 

~ psalm 36.5-9, new international version

i thank You God for most this amazing day:

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;

and for everything which is natural 

which is infinite 

which is yes
 

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;

this is the birth day of life 

and love 

and wings

and of the gay great happening 

illimitably earth)

how should tasting 

touching 

hearing 

seeing
breathing any

- lifted from the no of all nothing -

human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
 

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~ e.e. cummings, 'i thank you God for most this amazing'

* i thank God for dr. larry parsons for introducing me to the wonderful beauty that is eric whitacre.  i miss singing for him and i miss singing such incredible works of art.  (to hear this piece of music, click here.)

day thirty

"i issued an order calling in all the wise men of babylon, so they could tell me what my dream meant. when all the magicians, enchanters, astrologers, and fortune-tellers came in, i told them the dream, but they could not tell me what it meant.  at last daniel came in before me, and i told him the dream. (he was named belteshazzar after my god, and the spirit of the holy gods is in him.)

~ daniel 4.1-8, new living translation

when i was a little girl, i had this reoccurring nightmare.  it was loosely based on shel silverstein's 'the googies are coming'.  in my dream, i would wake up to the sound of an old witch's laughter.  i would go to my window and see the dark figure riding across the sky on her broom.  behind her, a huge bag filled with children punching and kicking to get out.  eventually, she would notice me watching, stop mid-flight, look me in the eyes and tell me that she was coming for me.  luckily, i always woke up before she got the window.

shortly after katie moved out and i was left as the sole resident of the gowell cottage, i had a terrible night terror.  in the dream, i woke up to the feeling of someone in the room.  quickly, i notice a man standing at the end of the bed, watching me.  even worse, i feel the weight of another person on my bed.  it is another man.  he is lying behind me and he begins to tell me all of the ways he plans to hurt me.  i can feel the hot breath of his words on the back of my neck.  i can feel the rise and fall of his lungs on my back.  suddenly, there is a noise downstairs and the two men flee.  i hear the pounding of their feet as they rush down the stairs and through the house.  the first time i had this dream i woke in a panic.  i was paralyzed by my fear.  i couldn't tell what was reality.  the dream had felt so real.  i didn't dare to move from my bed.  i didn't want to make a sound.  eventually, i reached for my cell phone and called a friend who talked me down from the height of the terror.  i've had the dream several times since then, but now i have pete and i know that he would never let anyone get into the house without my knowing it.

nightmares can be truly terrifying experiences.  your heart can race, your palms can sweat, your muscles can tire.  so when you wake, it is that much harder to decipher reality.  it is truly amazing how the mind can work...

similarly, joyous dreams have the same effect.  have you ever awakened from a dream just to wish you could go right back to sleep and pick up where you left off?  it was so perfect, so wonderful that you would rather live in your dreams than wake to reality.  you wake up, your breathing is easy and the corners of your mouth hurt as if you've been smiling for hours.  then you realize that you have to get ready for just another mundane day of the same old routine... 

unfortunately, i don't have an interpreter like daniel to tell me the meaning of my dreams. i guess i'll just have to wait until i'm face to face with the Ultimate to ask that question...

day twenty-nine

"our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
give us this day our daily bread.
and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
amen."

~ matthew 6.9-13, king james version


Creator, Comforter, Parent to us all, holy, holy, holy are You
i praise you for all that You are, all that You do, all that You wish for your creation.
reveal Your self to me.  reveal Your hope for me.  reveal Your hope for this world.
i understand that what i want and what i need are two separate things
and that sometimes You are the only one who knows exactly what i need.
i have faith that you will always provide me with what i need.
i pray that you would use me to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless and visit the sick.
please forgive me when i've failed to do so.
please forgive me when i've failed to love like You love, with grace and with mercy.
keep me from the things that keep me from You
and save me when i've strayed so far that i can't find my way Home.
for You are my home, my strength and my joy for ever and ever.
amen.

day twenty-eight

"God performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
   miracles that cannot be counted.
when he passes me, i cannot see him;
   when he goes by, i cannot perceive him.
if he snatches away, who can stop him?
   who can say to him, ‘what are you doing?’"

~ job 9.10-12, new international version


my favorite hymn is "precious Lord, take my hand".  i've always loved the soulful moan of the song.  the blue heartbeat that keeps it moving and the deep sighs that hold it back.  so many times in my life i've connect with the lyric in ways that no other words could describe.

"i am weak. i am tired. i am lone.
through the storm, through night...
lead me on to the light.
take my hand, precious Lord,
and lead me home."

but what about the times when you can't feel God's hand in yours?  when the Great Comfort simply isn't present.  when you can't feel the Arms of Grace enfolding you.  when you beg for your Deliverer, but find no refuge.  what about then?

if you're me, then you yell and you scream through your prayer.  you express that hate with every fiber of your being like the child still crawling around inside of you.

but if you're job.  well, if you're job you act much differently.  job perseveres in faith of a God who has seemingly abandoned him.  instead of yelling and screaming and hating God, job marvels at the wonder of such a Creator with quiet reverence.

job's story is found in the hebrew torah and talmud, the christian old testament, and in the qur'an.  all three depict job as a man whose unwavering faith in God remained despite temptation from the devil while God's protection was set aside.  his family, his wealth, even his health is taken from him but he remains faithful.  although he asks God for a reason, he never curses God or walks away.

man.

i wish i had that kind of faith.  i wish i was that loyal.  but the truth is that i'll even leave a church if the choir sings out of tune.

unless i feel God's hand in mine, i find it too easy to stray away from the One who gave me life itself.  if only i wasn't also given free will.  then maybe i'd do better with this whole loyal faith idea.  but then again, that wouldn't be love, would it?

i need to learn to have a faith like job's.  i need to learn that even though i may not be holding The Hand that holds the world, The Eyes are still on me and The Heart still loves me.

day twenty-seven

"i love you, Lord, my strength.
the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, 
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

~ psalm 18.1-2, new international version


my office is located at the corner of the building with three windows on two intersecting walls.  on days like today, the wind howls through the windows with such force that it almost feels like the walls are going to crumble at the sound.

i've grown accustom to the wind.  i've become so used to it that i ignore it with ease.  most of the time, i don't even notice it until students come in and comment on the noise.  they are astonished at the volume and wonder how i can work through it.  they always ask if they can open the windows and i always say no.  even though the cool fresh air would feel great, i don't want the wind to send the papers on my desk flying across the room.

have you ever treated God like that? the Voice is constantly calling to you, but you've ignored it for so long that you barely even notice.  you refuse to listen because that might mean allowing the Spirit inside of you and it just might send all of the life plans you've made right out of the window.

choose to listen.
choose to love.

day twenty-six

"samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lord before. so the Lord called a third time, and once more samuel got up and went to eli. 'here i am. did you call me?'

then eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy. so he said to samuel, 'go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘speak, Lord, your servant is listening.’ so samuel went back to bed.

and the Lord came and called as before, 'samuel! samuel!'
and samuel replied, 'speak, your servant is listening.'”

~ 1 samuel 3.7-10, new living translation


phew..  i'm not the only one who has trouble recognizing God's voice.  and neither are you.  this has been a struggle for thousands of years, apparently.

i always question myself.  thankfully, like samuel had eli, i have faithful friends and mentors who help me hear the voice of God and point me in the right direction.

do you?  do you have people in your life who keep you centered and hold you accountable?  do you have people you encourage your faith?  people who keep you focused on the right path?

because the old saying, "you are who your friends are", well...it's true.

day twenty-five

"o taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him."

~ psalm 34.8, king james version


for the cool night breeze that gently kisses my skin
for the colorful berries that burst on my tongue
and for the sunset that strikes beauty in my sight
i celebrate You, oh God.

for the scent of the neighbor's barbecue drifting through the air
and the sounds of happy children playing in the distance
i praise You, oh God.

day twenty-four

"Papa, Father, you can—can't you?—get me out of this. take this cup away from me. but please, not what I want—what do you want?" 

~ mark 14.36, the message



faithful scholars over the years have debated this bit of scripture and concluded very different reasons for Jesus prayer.  does he already know that he will die in a matter of hours?  is he trying to get out of it?  is he scared?  is he bargaining with God?  is he going through the motions to fulfill the old testament prophecy?

this is one of those christian debates i stay out of.  i can't see inside of Jesus' mind, so i'm not even going to pretend that i know why he prayed the prayer he did.

too often my prayers are similar to Jesus' prayer in the garden.  "do this. please do this. you can, right? please do it.  please, please.  you've got to.  please? ...but, not my will but yours."  unlike Jesus, my prayers are like this because i already have my mind made up.  if i am completely honest, i'm really not interested in what God wants.  most of the time i am absolutely set on how i think my life should be and what i believe needs to happen.  i spend my time praying for what i want instead of listening to where God leads.

when i was doing my college internship in lewisburg in the summer of 2004, i created a breath prayer that has stuck with me.  for seven years i have been reciting the same prayer: "Father God, may Your will be my will."  i pray this prayer constantly - as i brush my teeth, wash my hair, feed my pets, iron my clothes, cook my meals, as i walk and live and breath each day.  it is so natural to me that most of the time i don't even realize i'm praying, but i find the words running through my head subconsciously.  for seven years i have been praying the same prayer, hoping that one day it will finally sink in and i'll truly accept it.

Papa Father.  may Your will be my will.  amen.