i run.

pete is desperate for friends right now. (...so am i.) the move has really been rough on him. (and if i'm honest...me too.) he had regular puppy play dates in the village. he played with his dog pals nearly every day of the week and it's now been three months since the big move and he's only played with one other dog for a grand total of two hours one month ago.

today, while we were taking our daily run around the apartment complex, i noticed his ears perk every time we passed another dog. whether they were indoors or out on a walk, every dog sparked his interest. it is so clear that he wants so desperately to just run around and play with another pup. but i held true to my determination to get in those miles before the rains came. i kept him moving along every time.

it didn't stop him, though, from continuing to spot every dog and staring them down as long as he could. sometimes i even had to give him a little tug on the leash to remind him that we were not going to succumb to any distractions. i have a goal for pete and i. for me, i want to feel good about my body for once in my life. for pete, i need him to release some major energy so he isn't such a crazy mess in the evenings.

so we kept on running. we didn't stop. not when the prissy little yorkie yipped at pete and tried to start a fight. not when the black lab took a playful stance and beckoned pete to come and play then barked fiercely when pete started toward him. not when the bulldog sat and stared us down like we were the enemy. not even when the absolutely adorable beagle wagged his tail and cheerfully joined us on the run for as long as she could keep up. we kept on running.

sometimes i wonder if i've passed up some great things because i was too focused on what was ahead of me. sure, this can be a good thing. passing up jobs or men or friendships or opportunities that simply weren't positive influences has been a good thing. passing up on them because they were degrading or mundane or unhealthy or ...simply not enough. passing on the yorkie, passing on the lab, passing on the bulldog - these were good choices.

but what about the beagles of my life? the opportunities and the people who came into my life and for lack of true acknowledgement or a ridiculous loyalty to a senseless hurried pace, i kept on running.

while i am still learning the ins and outs of becoming a physical runner, i am an expert on the practice of running from my life sometimes. i dismiss the pilot who gives me his number because "i have a plane to catch. besides, he can't really be interested in me." or when i don't even print out the application for the internship in paris because "i've already promised to move to charlotte with kara. it may only be february, but i can't back out now." 

i don't share this to dwell on the "could have been"s. that's a waste of time. i share because i don't want reach the end of my life and realize that it was chock full of "could have been"s. from now on, i want to be known as someone who took the time to acknowledge life around me. i want to be known as someone who took advantage of every positive opportunity that came her way. i want to be known for more than just someone who pursued her goals, but as someone who truly lived.

this is not to say that i will let pete play with every dog we meet during our evening run. but maybe once in a while we'll walk instead, and we'll say hello to the people and the puppies we meet on the street. who knows, maybe that beagle will be pete's new best friend. (...heck, maybe i'll find a new friend too.)

being myself ...but better

"i just hope that you aren't changing who you are for this..."

she said it so seriously that the tension in the room almost made me giggle. (i laugh when i'm nervous, but anyone reading this knows that about me already.)

katie has been a best friend almost since the day i met her. she has always allowed me to be myself. actually, she's begged me to be myself every moment that we are together. if i am anything but truly me, she automatically questions it.

i love this about her. i love this about our friendship.

so the other night when she asked me if i was somehow changing who i am for my job, well, i hesitated. i haven't felt like i needed to change anything for my job. ...but katie knows me so well. maybe she is seeing something i don't?

people said the same thing when i joined my fraternity ten years ago. i remember one longtime friend in particular saying, "what, now you're going to be a barbie or something?"

i didn't have the right words for those friends ten years ago, and i didn't have a good explanation for katie either. but i think i do now. (i'm an internal processor. i need time to think about things before i respond.)

for the past few years i lived in a village. a VILLAGE, people. it's not like i completely let myself go to the point of needing an intervention or anything, but i surely wasn't taking care of myself either. what was the point? there was nowhere to grow in my job. and the most interaction i saw each day was with college students who thought pajamas were acceptable for class and mac 'n' cheese should be considered as a food group of its own. who did i have to impress? where was my challenge?

now that i am back among the living, i care a little more. this is a good thing.

i have been more thoughtful of my appearance than i have been in recent years. and yes, i have been more concerned with physical fitness and healthy nutrition. the same thought processes changed when i made my decision that fateful bid day friday ten years ago.

because membership in my fraternity makes me want to be better.

and not just better looking, although those are the easiest to recognize at first glance. i have a renewed connection to my faith. a renewed commitment to seeking social justice. a renewed positivity in what each day can bring.

our new fraternity tagline charges us to "live with purpose" and i intend to live with purpose every day. so, i purposefully style my appearance not to distract from my intelligence. i purposefully make healthy living a priority. i purposefully try to find new ways to challenge myself and my creativity. i purposefully seek out opportunities to contribute to my community.

if membership in an organization doesn't make you want to be a better person, then what's the point? and if the work you do each day doesn't challenge you to seek more, to learn more, to do more, to be more, then maybe it's time to find another job.