alan is the president of exodus international, a conservative ministry and leader of the ex-gay movement which in many ways coined the term "pray away the gay". finally, after many years of utilizing anti-gay therapy that was deemed ineffective and ultimately detrimental by the american psychological association years ago, the organization has offered a public apology and shut its doors.
paula has been under fire after being accused of and admitting to racist language and business practices. she has publicly apologized, but this hasn't seemed to slow down her sponsors from severing ties and her ex-fans from sharing their disappointment on social media. some celebrities have come out in her defense, but most are letting the media slash her into pieces.so, did alan and paula apologize wrong? what makes an apology believable? what makes a person forgivable?
a couple of years ago i was looking for this answer. i had just had an argument with a friend, and she thought that she had apologized but i didn't feel like it was an acceptable apology. i just couldn't accept it and i didn't know why. that's when i discovered the five apology languages.
the five apology languages are:
1. expressing regret
2. accepting responsibility
3. making restitution
4. genuinely repenting
5. requesting forgiveness
my friend kept expressing regret, but accepted no responsibility. in looking back, this made perfect sense. if she had taken the apology profile, i'm sure that expressing regret would be at the top of her list, meaning that it was her preferred apology method. that's how she wanted to be apologized to and how she apologized to others. i, on the other hand, scored highest in accepting responsibility. for an apology to feel genuine and be accepted, i needed to hear that she understood what she had done wrong.
the issue wasn't about whether or not i could forgive her for what she had done. sure, she hurt me. she disappointed me. she humiliated me. my issue was with her apology. until she accepted responsibility for her actions, i wondered whether or not she really understood why i was upset.
so, what makes an apology believable? unfortunately, there is no magic answer. although public relations experts surely gave both alan and paula a long list of dos and don'ts to offer the perfect apology, both apologies have been left largely unaccepted. i think it depends on the harm that has been done, the person who is apologizing and the person(s) receiving the apology.
the first step is knowing that an apology is warranted, regardless of what language is used. knowing your apology language and recognizing that others may be different can surely help too.
and what makes a person forgivable? thankfully, in the eyes of the Redeemer, no person, word or deed is unforgivable. we are all imperfect and we all need forgiveness now and then. thank God for grace...
"but sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. when it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down." ~ romans 5.20 the message
one day maybe humanity will learn to give grace the way God does.
