those who stayed

my teenage goddaughter recently started watching one tree hill. i religiously followed the show back in the day, so this of course prompted me to watch from the beginning again.

over the past couple of months, i've seen multiple tree hill weddings. first, haley and nathan, married quietly with only family present; then again, surrounded by family and friends (and a lot of extras we were never introduced to). then, peyton and lucas, again surrounded by dear friends and loved ones. 

tonight, i watched brooke and julian's wedding and i got all of the feels. 

if you know one tree hill, then you probably remember that brooke is the cool-girl, cheerleader/fashion designer who thoughtfully struggles to find her match. while i've never really related to brooke's character, there is a lot about this episode that hit me hard tonight.

one tree hill begins in high school. we follow the characters as they navigate typical (and not-so-typical) high school drama, then we fast-forward to post-college life. at the first two weddings, the focus is on the bride and groom's high school friends. the show's writers create this world where high school friends in a small north carolina town grow so closely together that they remain friends forever. you can't help but root for these friends to truly make it last.

at this point in the show, though, nearly half of the actors who played main characters have left the show to star in other tv dramas and movies. by brooke and julian's wedding in season eight, half of the high school friends are gone and most of the main characters are new to the show in the last couple seasons--coworkers, teachers, friends-of-friends, etc. brooke's self-declared best friend doesn't even make it to her wedding, and julian ends up with an eight-year-old for his best man.

i had the privilege of spending time with one of my childhood best friends today. we took pete for a walk and enjoyed lunch at a local restaurant. as we watched the field mouse search for an exit from the porch where we sat and sipped our iced tea, we talked about everything and nothing at all. she asked me if i kept in touch with some of our other friends, and we marveled at how easy it is to slip away from the people you once loved. in a way, our lives aren't really that different from a television drama whose actors' contracts end and characters disappear from scripts. 

one tree hill got some slack for the loss of main characters after season six ended, but the show introduced quality new characters and continued for three more seasons before calling it quits. while the storylines went a little crazy in the later years, the characters themselves were good. almost immediately, you cared about them because they cared about the characters you had already loved for years. you were interested to see how those relationships developed. you wanted to see them succeed.

like brooke and julian's wedding, as adults we find ourselves surrounded not necessarily by the ones who were with us at the beginning but simply with the people who renegotiated and signed contracts. the ones who stayed. 

this has been a year for the books. at thirty-one, i became a cliche and moved back home into my parents' basement. i sold everything that didn't fit into my parent's minivan and my car. i quit my stable job without a plan for what would come next. i also spent wonderful quality time with my family, explored new creative outlets, became debt free and started my own business. 

i am so thankful for friends and family who have been by my side this year. the ones who stayed. the encouragement has been overwhelming at times, and so necessary. i feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by old and new friends who truly sustain me through the tough times and celebrate with me in victory. the random phone call, the texted prayer, the pinterest message joke, the instagram emoji or, yes, even the elusive mailed greeting card...they have fueled my fire. 

i am eternally grateful. thank you for staying.

resignation

in the days that followed the announcement of my departure from my previous employer, i received a lot of questions about why i was leaving. "why did you quit?" and "what will you do next?" and "are you okay?" and "how are you handling all of this?" top the list.

as i look around me, it seems like i am surrounded by people are resigning--from habits, from jobs, from relationships. they have given up and accepted the previously ignored necessity for radical change, the cold reality that their voices are not being heard, the desperate lie that tells them they are unlovable.

sometimes there's nothing left to do but give up, to take a phrase from the definition. sometimes the inevitable undesirable stalks us until we have nothing left to fight for. sometimes we have no fight left in us because we've fought as hard as we could and lost. sometimes we are simply tired of fighting.

folks, knowing the problem is the first step in identifying a solution.

that habit? it was unhealthy.
that job? it was unhealthy.
that relationship? it was unhealthy too.

so, we start in a place of resignation. it's natural to be sad. to mourn the loss of what was and the hope of what could have been. and mourning is a process that takes time. sometimes it takes a long time. let yourself feel it. truly feel the sadness and the loss.

but...one night, when you're ready...instead of focusing on the darkness, your eyes will wander up to notice the stars in the sky again.

please don't miss it. don't dismiss it.

you don't have to see the full galaxy, but don't miss the star twinkling out there to remind you that it's time to move past the resignation and start fighting for a new dream.

fight for a new way of living. one that is good and healthy for your body, mind and spirit.
fight for a new way of working. one that progresses your calling and promotes good in the world.
fight for a new way of loving. one that starts with loving yourself and extends to bring in someone worthy of your tremendous heart.

so, how am i, you ask? i feel a true sense of resignation. i have faith in the choice i made. i am at peace.

...and i'm listening to the One who made me and starting to find my fight again.

i wept.

like a tsunami, the feeling rushed over me leaving nothing but agony and confusion in its wake. the waves of fear and doubt pulled me down to the depths of hell, laughing as they pinned me to the ocean floor. they knew they could hold me there. they knew i wouldn't fight it.

i let the exhaustion sink in fully. i shrunk into myself and let go of the facade that had told everyone else i was holding it together. i could no longer believe the lie myself. 

and then... i wept.

Jesus did that (at least) once. Jesus wept. shortest verse in the bible, "Jesus wept."

many men and women much smarter than me have studied the theological significance of that sentence; but as i try to find the words to describe what happened tonight as i sat in my car, alone in the target parking lot...all i can come up with is a simple sentence. all the words in the english language can't paint the picture more accurately.

i wept.

and the waves that had threatened to bury me beneath the ocean floor poured out as tears flooding down my cheeks and neck, drenching my scarf as if i had danced outside in a rainstorm.

but my mascara didn't run. because instead of investing in my spirit these days, i purchase high-end products that will effectively protect the mask i still wear despite the growing evidence that it just isn't worth it anymore.

maybe it never was.

thankful

sometimes, when the world is swallowing you whole and you can't quite even make out the lines of your own hands in the darkness, you need a reminder that you're not alone.

sometimes you just need a best friend.

needless to say, it's been a pretty rough couple of weeks. just when i didn't think it could get any darker, another bomb would drop. i kept telling myself that it'd be fine, it would all be fine. except it wasn't.

i kept telling myself that i'd make it through, i would make it through somehow. except i wasn't.

i was standing still, feet planted in the sinking sand below me, foolishly believing that if i smiled just right and held it together just so that somehow the sand would turn to solid ground again.

today, as my head hit my hands and my tears hit the table, i had a friend who offered a listening heart, reassuring wisdom and even a bit of humor to keep me going.

esse quam videri, my friend.
so thankful for a friend who lets me reveal my true self and loves me through the tough stuff.
i simply wouldn't make it through this life without you.

A photo posted by Havaleh Havelka (@havaleh) on Aug 8, 2013 at 11:25am PDT