day twenty-three

"yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

~ psalm 23.4, king james version


abused.
broken.
compromised.
depressed.
exhausted.
forsaken.
grief-stricken.
humiliated.
ignored.
joyless.
knocked-out.
lonely.
mistreated.
neglected.
outcast.
purged.
quieted.
rugged.
shameful.
tormented.
unappreciated.
valley of the shadow of death.



absolute.
blessed.
compassionate.
deliberate.
ever-present.
faithful.
gracious.
home.
intimate.
joyful.
kairos.
listening.
magnificent.
native.
omnipotent.
parenting.
quiet.
real.
sheltering.
thou art with me.

day twenty-two

"behold, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel--which, when translated, means God with us."

~ matthew 1.23, amplified bible


God is with me
at the rising of the sun
as i lie in my bed
warmed by a puppy curled up at my side
warmed by blankets layered with precision
warmed by a faith in Emmanuel

God is with me
as the working day begins
and i race to keep up
hurried by the stacks of papers on my desk
hurried by the length of my to-do list
hurried by the meetings that never end

God is with me
as i spend time with friends
and i laugh with abundance
encouraged by the humor of our lives
encouraged by struggles similar to my own
encouraged by the unconditional love we share

God is with me
at the setting of the sun
as i reflect on the day
worried by confusion and insecurity
worried by current events that plague the world
worried by the amount of work still left to do

God is with me
at the rising of the moon
as i lie in my bed
warmed by a puppy curled up at my side
warmed by blankets layered with precision
warmed by a faith in Emmanuel, God with us.

day twenty-one

"it was by faith that abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. he went without knowing where he was going. and even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith—for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. and so did isaac and jacob, who inherited the same promise. abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God."

~ hebrews 11.8-10, new living translation



sometimes you just have to let go.

sometimes you just have to breathe.

sometimes you just have to have faith that God is there in the mystery,
that God will deliver you through the muck and mire,
that though you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's there.

it's there.

day twenty

"moreover, I have heard the groaning of the israelites, whom the egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant...I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. then you will know that I am the Lord your God."

~ exodus 6.5 & 7, new international version



"things will be fine.  we are going to move on and stay focused on our purpose here, which is bigger than some funding issue." was the text i received today from one of my students.

in the exact moment that many would choose to be hurt and frustrated and even angry, she chose to stay focused on a God who moves us forward.  does this mean that she's not hurt or frustrated or angry?  i can't speak for her feelings, only she knows those truths, but i can speak from my own experience that sometimes disappointment and deliverance come hand in hand.  sometimes in the pain and suffering God reaches to us and shows us a hope beyond our wildest dreams.

and so, tonight i pray for the healing of these two organizations, for the healing of altered personal relationships, for the healing of these hearts.  i pray that although some feel discouraged, that they might also find hope for reassurance.  i pray that although some feel separated, that they might also find hope for unity.  i pray that although some feel neglected, that they might also find hope in a God whose purpose is much bigger than any of us could imagine.

day nineteen

"my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
my God, i cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but i find no rest."
  
~ psalm 22.1-2, new international version

 
"well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out My Name
while all the while I’m trying to open up your heart.
I see you when you cry yourself to sleep
and it’s tearing me apart...

I cannot count on all the signs
you’ve passed away as mere coincidence,
and i'm running out of ways to break through.
like a lonely lover waiting by the ocean,
I'll never give up on you.

I know you wish you could see me.
that’s the way it has to be.
someday you’ll understand.
don’t lose your faith in Me.

I know you wish you could hear me.
sometimes it’s so hard to do,
but every morning's sunrise says,
'I’m madly in love with you"

sean mcconnell, 'madly in love with you'

day eighteen

"holy, holy, holy
   is the Lord God Almighty,
   who was, and is, and is to come."


"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
   to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
   and by your will they were created
   and have their being.” 


~ revelation 4.8b & 11, new international version

holy, holy, holy

are You who made the universe

and called it 'good'

holy, holy, holy

are You who created me

and called me 'good'

holy, holy, holy

are You who has listened to my cries 

and leavened my pain,

loved me unconditionally

and led me unwaveringly.

holy, holy, holy, 

are You

who was,

who is,

who always will be.

amen.

day seventeen

today i share with you the entire scripture selection for the day.  (little did you know that i was only giving you bits and pieces so far...)


"and now, friends, we ask you to honor those leaders who work so hard for you, who have been given the responsibility of urging and guiding you along in your obedience. overwhelm them with appreciation and love! 

get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part. our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. and be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. 

be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. this is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. 

don't suppress the Spirit, and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. on the other hand, don't be gullible. check out everything, and keep only what's good. throw out anything tainted with evil.
may God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. the One who called you is completely dependable. if he said it, he'll do it!"

~ 1 thessalonians 5.12-24, the message

Breath of Life,

let my serving be my loving,

let my questioning be my believing,

let my breathing be my praying.

let me not stifle the Spirit,

but accept your continued creativity

in this, my life,

in this, Your world.

amen.

day sixteen

"come, let us return to the Lord.
   he has torn us to pieces;
      now he will heal us.
   he has injured us;
      now he will bandage our wounds.
in just a short time he will restore us,
      so that we may live in his presence.
oh, that we might know the Lord!
      let us press on to know him.
   he will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
      or the coming of rains in early spring.”

~ hosea 6.1-3, new living translation


i donated blood today.  i hate needles, so i always found excuses for not giving before.  when i had surgery a couple years ago i was fine until they stuck me with the IV.  the tears were uncontrollable.  it didn't hurt.  it didn't necessarily scare me.  i wasn't even scared about the fact they were going to cut me open and take out one of my organs.  i just looked down and saw a needle in my arm and i lost it.  i could talk normally, but i just couldn't stop crying.  they ended up giving me some happy meds to calm me down.  i passed out so quickly that i don't even remember them rolling me out of the room and into surgery.  i have this vague memory of coming out of it just in time to see my surgeon asking me to count backwards from ten then going back under before i even began.

all that to say...it's a big deal that i gave blood today.  it was only my second time, so it's still pretty scary.  but i know that giving blood saves lives and i just don't see any excuse for any hospital to be without the blood they need to care for their patients.  this is a renewable resource that is simply too easy to fill.  i can't not give blood just because i'm afraid.  that would be like telling a child with leukemia that it's okay for them to die because i'm too scared of needles.  i'm not okay with that.

the pain of the finger prick and the discomfort of the needle is merely temporary.  surviving an illness, well, that's a lifetime. 

life's pains are temporary.  God's healing grace, well, that's everlasting.

day fifteen

"don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
      don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
      I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."


~ isaiah 41:10, new living translation


i'm scared of what the next few months will bring.  i'm scared that things won't work out and i'll disappoint not only myself, but others who are counting on me.  i'm scared that things will work out and i'll have a lot of major life decisions to make.  i'm scared that i'm going to be stuck exactly where i am (physically, emotionally, spiritually) forever.

i have a lot of conflicting fears right now and the only comfort is knowing that God will be with me no matter where i land.

day fourteen

"o my people, listen to my instructions.
      open your ears to what I am saying,
for I will speak to you in a parable.
      I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—
      stories we have heard and known,
      stories our ancestors handed down to us.
we will not hide these truths from our children;
      we will tell the next generation
      about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
      about his power and his mighty wonders."

~ psalm 78:1-4, new living translation


i don't know the faith stories of my ancestors.  i don't know how my parents or their parents or their parents' parents came to a belief in God and i've never shared my story with them either.  we're just not a family who talks about that kind of stuff. 

well, here's my story...

i grew up in the church.  i loved church.  i loved sunday school.  i loved vacation bible school.  i loved youth group.  i loved mission trips.  i loved the activities.  i loved the people.  i loved ministry.

i studied christian education and religion in undergrad and grad school.  i loved my classes.  i loved my internships.  i loved the reading.  i loved the dialogue.  i loved the challenge.

i worked in ministry.  i loved the job.  i loved the youth.  i loved my coworkers.  i loved the people.  i loved the activities.  i loved the mission trips.  i loved the ministry.

as i've grown up from that little girl in wednesday night kids club, i learned that faith is more than loving all those things.  faith is loving God, and that is a lesson i'm taking a lifetime to truly learn.

day thirteen

then Jesus said, "God's kingdom is like seed thrown on a field by a man who then goes to bed and forgets about it. the seed sprouts and grows—he has no idea how it happens. the earth does it all without his help: first a green stem of grass, then a bud, then the ripened grain. when the grain is fully formed, he reaps—harvest time! 

 "how can we picture God's kingdom? what kind of story can we use? it's like a pine nut. when it lands on the ground it is quite small as seeds go, yet once it is planted it grows into a huge pine tree with thick branches. eagles nest in it." 

~ mark 4:26-32, the message



i used to hate pine nuts.  it was a blind hate.  i had never tasted them, but i was sure that they tasted like pine needles smelled and i wanted nothing to do with that.  a couple years ago, though, the village church brought in a band to perform on campus and i volunteered to make dinner according to their rider.  and, as you all know, i wanted to do it all from scratch.

well, one of the band members was in the middle of a kind of fast and was only eating certain raw foods.  his agent supplied me with some recipes of things he could eat, one of them being a pine nut salad of sorts.  i gathered up the many ingredients and the creation was beautiful.  it could have been in one of those high end restaurants where the food looks so wonderful that you're afraid to eat it.

i couldn't resist.  i tried a forkful.  it tasted as good as pretty as it looked.

nowadays i pretty much have pine nuts in my house at all times.  i put them on pizza, in pasta, and on salads.  i use them in all kinds of recipes and even throw in extra from time to time.

traditionally, this parable is told in reference to a mustard seed, but eugene mixed things up a bit in 'the message' and used a pine nut instead.  i guess pine trees are more relevant to America today than a mustard trees.  the funny thing though, is that until a few years ago i had never heard of a pine nut.  in my twenty-plus years on the earth i had never came across the things, but they were more relevant to eugene than mustard seeds.

i guess i'd never been around them because i've always lived in small towns with tiny local supermarkets.  and, as katy can attest, it is a difficult task to find pine nuts in small town grocery stores.  they simply aren't a hot commodity, so they aren't restocked very often.  it's no wonder then, that i first saw them on a menu in charlotte a few years ago.

my friend katy, as i mentioned earlier, has had issues with pine nuts.  every time she needs them for a recipe, she can't find them in any of the grocery stores in or around our village.  it always turns into a very dramatic story of her driving to half a dozen stores only to end up empty handed.  or, as happened most recently, it turns into a very dramatic story of her driving to half a dozen stores, finally finding them, bring them home and a little while later finding her dog licking her lips after eating up the entire package...

now that it's public knowledge, i can share that katy has been looking for a new job and has been considering several cities for possible moves.  her main consideration for whether or not she could live in these different cities:  pine nuts.  would she be able to find pine nuts in the local grocery store?  this has been the major deciding factor.

before she accepted her new job at wake forest baptist hospital, she was sure to check in to the pine nut situation.  luckily, winston-salem has a wide variety of supermarket options and katy feels like she would in fact be able to purchase pine nuts by visiting less than three stores.  (phew...!)

those of who know katy, know that her decision wasn't made by pine nuts.  it was made by faith.  faith that this new job isn't just a random mystery, but that these small movements can be used by God to cause the great waves of the Kingdom to grow.

maybe it was made by pine nuts after all...

day twelve

"for a child is born to us,
      a son is given to us.
the government will rest on his shoulders.
      and he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
      Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

~ isaiah 9:6, new living translation


...and again i pray...

Alpha and Omega,
Beginning and the End,
First and the Last.

Elohim, El Shaddai, Adonai,
Almighty Sufficient Master of all.

Jehovah-Rophe, Jehovah-Jireh, El Elyon,
Healer, Provider, Most High.

Creator, Sustainer,
the Great I Am.

...thank You.

*note: days thirteen and fourteen will be posted late as i will be traveling for the next couple days. if you would, please pray for me in these days - for strength, for courage, for wisdom and peace. 

day eleven

"my people are broken—shattered!—
   and they put on band-aids,
saying, 'it's not so bad. you'll be just fine.'
   but things are not 'just fine'!"


~ jeremiah 6:14, the message



a couple of years ago i started experiencing sharp pains in my abdomen.  at first i told myself it was nothing, but eventually the pain was so intense that it would wake me from my sleep and keep me from going to work.  i asked kara, my roommate and personal nurse, what she thought it could be.  she told me it was gas, that "it's not so bad.  you'll be just fine."

after weeks of severe pain with no relief from the dozen different otc meds i tried for acid and gas, i finally went to the doctor.  either i had an extremely low tolerance for pain, or this was something that i needed some professional help with.  the doctor referred me to a surgeon.  the surgeon said, "it's not so bad.  you'll be just fine" and sent me over to the hospital for some tests that he was sure would come back normal. 

30 minutes later i was on the table and the lab assistant was calling in her supervisor to see what she had found.  5 minutes later i was sitting in a hospital waiting room getting a call from the surgeon telling me that i had gallstones and was asking if i had time for surgery the very next day.

sometimes there are things in our lives that we think are simple, small problems that can be fixed easily.  we tell ourselves that "it's not so bad."  our friends tell us "it's not so bad."  even professionals may tell us "it's not so bad."  but the reality is that deep down we are shattered. 

it takes a lot more than a tums to cure gallstones and it takes a lot more than a band aid to piece back together a soul that has been ripped apart into a million pieces.  sometimes in order to heal, we need to cut ourselves wide open and pull out parts of ourselves we simply don't need anymore.

day ten

"He heals the brokenhearted
   and binds up their wounds. 
He determines the number of the stars
   and calls them each by name."

~ psalm 147:3-4, new international version 


i am so grateful for a God whose creativity did not end on the seventh day, for a God who continues to create each moment of each day, for a God who bestows even but a fraction of that creative gene to creation so that we might share in the task, no...the privilege of co-creating life here on this earth.  isn't that what the writer meant when he said that we were all made in God's own likeness?  i like to think so...

i thank God for closing chapters
for old routines
old comforts
old constants

and i thank God for new beginnings
for new relationships
new jobs
new cities
new friends
new homes
new neighborhoods
new trees
new bugs
new dirt

may we ever continue to co-create with the Artist of our lives...

day nine

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
Your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
Your justice like the great deep.
You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
how priceless is Your unfailing love, O God!
people take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
they feast on the abundance of Your house;
You give them drink from Your river of delights.
for with You is the fountain of life;
in Your light we see light."


~ psalm 36:5-9, new international version


when i was a little girl the church i grew up in had a strong sign language ministry.  we would learn bits of the language and then learn songs and share them in the worship.  the first song i remember learning was "i love You, Lord".  every time i hear that song in church i think of being a little girl and feeling so much pride in learning the signs to this, such a simple song.

it's amazing how a song can take you back in time.  i hear a lyric or a chord progression and i travel back to a particular moment in my history, instantly.  for example...

awesome God sends me to the summer of 1997.  heather and i are at youth annual conference and some crazy worship leader is making us sing the stupid chorus 85 times.

the eagles' hotel california sends me to the summer of 1999.  chandra and i are waking up yet another morning with our hair all tied up in knots as we test different hair curling techniques.

eddie vedder's better man and lifehouse's everything send me to 2002.  i'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling talking with kelly in the next bed as we drift off to another night's sleep.

ja rule and jennifer lopez's ain't it funny sends me to 2003.  i'm dancing like a fool at theta chi. or theta xi. or chi phi. or formal. or...

ashlee simpson's pieces of me sends me to the summer of 2004.  i'm unpacking my room at 12 marion street, gearing up for my senior year of college.

nelly and tim mcgraw's over and over again sends me to the summer of 2005.  kara and i have just moved to charlotte and monica is driving us around, introducing us to the city.

songs are essential in worship for me.  i can't worship without music. i think it's because there isn't anything on this earth that brings out more emotion in me than a thoughtful lyric and a haunting harmony.  it's only natural then, that when i read tonight's scripture i immediately heard mac powell singing 'your love oh lord'.

even though the song is simple, i love You Lord will always be a worship song that is close to my heart.  it was one of the first songs I remember learning to sing (as well as sign).  tonight, i'll let the lyric be my prayer:

i love You, Lord
and i lift my voice
to worship You
oh, my soul rejoice!
take joy my King
in what You hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear 

day eight

"meanwhile, friends, wait patiently for the Master's arrival. you see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work. be patient like that. stay steady and strong. the Master could arrive at any time.

friends, don't complain about each other. a far greater complaint could be lodged against you, you know. the Judge is standing just around the corner. 

take the old prophets as your mentors. they put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. what a gift life is to those who stay the course! you've heard, of course, of job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. that's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail."

~ james 5:7-11, the message



i hate hospitals.  i think of needles and tubes and monitors and death.  but hospitals are also places of treatment and rehabilitation and healing and birth.

i've found, though, that a lot happens in the waiting rooms in the wings.  sincere hope is felt in the waiting room.  loving memories are shared in the waiting room.  future plans are made in the waiting room.  astounding news is learned in the waiting room.  life is found in the waiting room.

life is found in the waiting...

 
i have my mother's face.  my mother's naivete.  and my mother's hair.

i have my father's ear.  my father's ocd.  and my father's patience.

i'm not very good at waiting, but God's working on me and maybe one day i'll finally learn that waiting is, well,...it's living.

day seven

"what's God going to say to my questions? i'm braced for the worst. i'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. i'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. 

and then God answered: "write this. write what you see.
write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.
this vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming.
it aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
and it doesn't lie.
if it seems slow in coming, wait.
   it's on its way. it will come right on time."

~ habakkuk 2:1-3, the message


oh God of all that was and is and is to come...
i have faith that You know every part of our world.

Lover of all that is good and Hater of all that is evil...
i pray that you would change our hearts to love like You do.
teach us to hate injustice, to hate prejudice, to hate inequality - to hate what You hate.

Parent to the orphan, Healer to the sick, Comfort to the lonely...
care for those suffering from the devastation in japan.
give them food, shelter, clothing, medical care.
give them support - financial, physical, emotional.
bring the people of the world together to bless this hurting nation.

selah.
(pause, and listen...)

day six

"in the beginning was the Word, 
and the Word was with God, 
and the Word was God. 
He was with God in the beginning. 

through him all things were made; 
without him nothing was made that has been made. 

in him was life, 
and that life was the light of all mankind. 

the light shines in the darkness, 
and the darkness has not overcome it."

~ john 1:1-5, new international version


Alpha and Omega,
Beginning and the End,
First and the Last.

Elohim, El Shaddai, Adonai,
Almighty Sufficient Master of all.

Jehovah-Rophe, Jehovah-Jireh, El Elyon,
Healer, Provider, Most High.

Creator, Sustainer,
the Great I Am.

God with me.
God beside me.
God behind me.
God before me.
God in me.


"so the Word became human and made his home among us. he was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. and we have seen his glory, the glory of the God's one and only Son."

~ john 1:14, new living translation


thank You.
thank You.
thank You.
thank You.
thank You.

              ...but "thank You" will never be enough.

day five

"to everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
a time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
~ecclesiastes 3:1-8, amplified bible

i've made a habit in my life of disagreeing with the writer of ecclesiastes.  here, we find the byrd's 'turn turn turn' - to every thing, there is a season.  i've always hated that song.  i've always hated that scripture.  but maybe i just need to interpret it differently.

there simply isn't a 'right time' for EVERY thing, for violent war and devastating hunger.  but maybe that's not what the writer is saying. 

most translations use the word "activity under heaven" in verse one, but the lockman foundation uses "every matter or purpose under heaven" in their amplified bible translation.  they claim to have gone back to accepted aramaic, greek, and hebrew manuscripts to translate the scripture into literary english.  sure enough, the original hebrew uses the word "he-pes" meaning event, delight, pleasure, or will.   both versions translate the word pretty literally, but with a word with so many possible meanings who is to say which is right?  simply because of my bias, i'm going to go with the lockman foundation on this one.

so where i used to think that this scripture was trying to tell me that there was a time for everything that happened on earth (under heaven), maybe it is really trying to tell me that there is a time for everything that God delights in, finds pleasure with or wills.  maybe there isn't a time for violent war, but there is time for a world-wide war against hunger.  maybe there isn't a time for blind hate of our neighbors, but there is a time for moral hate of the injustices of the world.

this isn't at all what my study prompted me to write about today, but oh well.  maybe tomorrow i'll get back on track...

day four

God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
so we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.

let the oceans roar and foam.
let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
                        
a river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
from the very break of day, God will protect it.
 
the nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!
 
“be still and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”


~ psalm 46:1-6 & 10, new living translation


silence. it's not so easy to obtain.  especially at 1:30am in a house full of snoring pets with your college-aged neighbors hosting a 'welcome back from spring break, it's time to get crazy' party.  but silent was what my book was telling me to be for ten whole minutes.

it's amazing what God can do when we quiet our minds long enough just to be and feel and know.  so many times we're told to be still so we can listen for God, but even more important than listening is being.  a colleague preached a sermon several years ago about our call to be human beings instead of human doings.  that idea has really stuck with me over the years...

monica and i used to go to each other's apartments to just sit and be.  we'd watch tv and read magazines and barely say a word to each other.  an hour or two would pass and we'd say our goodbyes.  i loved those evenings.  i loved that we could just be together.  we didn't have to do anything or go anywhere.

that's the true test of a relationship.  when you can just be with someone else and not have to talk or do anything, that's when you know this is a friend that you've really built a solid relationship with.  they know you.  they appreciate you.  they understand you.  they love you for who you are, not what you say or what you do.

as much as i want to reach that point with the men that i date and the friends that i cherish, the Maker wants to reach that point with us too. that point when the prayers aren't important (because let's face it, God knows our prayers without our even voicing them).  that point when worship songs aren't needed (because i'm sure the angels sing sweeter than me anyway).  that point when the only sacrament needed is an open heart and an open hand.

be still and know that I am God.

be still and know.

just be.

i'm kind of a cold person.  i don't like mushy stuff and, generally speaking, i avoid physical contact.  all that said, i have a very loving, compassionate heart.  i just don't do well with the outward expression of those feelings.  so to just be with God?  i can do that.  i prefer that.

tonight i pray for a quiet mind and a loud heart.

day three

"why would you ever complain, oh jacob,
or, whine, israel, saying,
'God has lost track of me.
God doesn't care what happens to me'?
don't you know anything?
haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
God is Creator of all you can see or imagine.
God doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch a breath.
and God knows everything, inside and out.
God energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
for even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
but those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
they spread their wings and soar like eagles,
they run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."

~ isaiah 40:27-31, the message


i have to be honest... the scripture lesson was too much for me tonight. i stopped and started over and over again. it took me several tries before i completed the reading. i know that's not something i should admit, but it's the truth.

i was taught that "good christians" read their bibles every day for hours on end. i engrossed myself in academic study of religion for 9 years. i read the bible every day for hours. but that wasn't time with the Great Author of life. that was homework.

by the time i finished my graduate degree i was exhausted. i was tired of reading... well, i'm not tired anymore. i just have to get back into the habit!

i didn't just have trouble with reading tonight. i had trouble with the reading. i can't help but wonder...do the people of japan feel God's loving presence? or does it feel like they've been forgotten? if it were me, well. i'd feel forgotten. (i'm just being honest..) i would absolutely feel like God had "lost track of me".

i can't believe in a God who plays chess with our lives, planning every single move we make. i believe in a God that loves creation so much that we are given gracious lessons through hardships, if we accept it. but i don't believe in a God who causes bad things to happen simply to teach or punish or simply to be cruel. so when things like war and hunger plague our world i can blame that on people and pray that God would see us through. i can blame evil people for tragedies in our history like slavery or the holocaust but when something like an already devastating earthquake forms a life-taking tsunami, well...i don't know that i can blame that on people. i don't want to blame it on God either. but if God "knows everything, inside and out" then why would the Source of Love allow such devastation?

my prayers tonight go out to the people of the world so terribly lost from this latest tragedy. to the families and friends of those who have died and those who are missing. i pray for the communities that will have to rebuild joy and strength and solidarity as much as they will reconstruct homes and businesses. i pray for the industries that are losing business, for the world-wide impact. tonight i pray for the world to come together to help those in need, that we would do more than silently stare at the television screen at the horrid images of the day. that we would be moved to action. that we would be the hands and feet of Christ.

day two

"and that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. so take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. and put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws your way.

this is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the devil and all his angels.

be prepared. you're up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet.

truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you'll need them throughout your life.

God's word is an indispensable weapon. in the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long. pray for your brothers and sisters. keep your eyes open. keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."

~ ephesians 6.10-18, the message

other translations use the imagery of armor to describe the gifts from God that prepare us for the battle called life. i don't know about you, but i don't see too many people wearing breastplates and carrying shields these days. i do better with more modern imagery. instead of gladiator armor, maybe it's easier to visualize modern day under armour (even if "this is no afternoon athletic contest").

instead of the belt of truth, tennis sweatbands.

instead of the breastplate of righteousness, football shoulder pads.

instead of the shield of faith, soccer shin guards.

instead of the helmet of salvation, a baseball helmet.

instead of the sword of the Spirit, a golf club.

we prepare for sport with such diligence and ritual. we wear lucky socks that haven't been washed since the season began, wouldn't dare run out on the lacrosse field without cleats and athletic trainers would step in and speak up if we weren't eating well and hydrating ourselves in preparation for the game. we cheer on our teammates from the bench and encourage each other with a slap on the butt after the huddle.

so why is it that we cut corners with our faith? why is it that we let our friends fall out of love with the Lover of our souls?

i sometimes fall asleep without saying my evening prayers, forget to read scripture each morning, and never have cash when the offering plate comes around. it's no wonder that when times get tough i'm not prepared for the emotional toll.

i think we've let faith become this individual experience with our Creator, when my understanding of the Bible tells me that faith was always about communion with other people, as much as it was about communion with God. we talk about faith in general in our churches, but we rarely get down and dirty with raw honesty. well, if i'm ever gonna make it in this life then i need a community of faith that is going to demand nothing but the honest to goodness truth, a community that will cheer me on to victory, a community that will love me enough to hold me accountable for upholding the precious title of "Christian".

tonight i pray that God would use the next 40 days to foster in me the spirit of faithful discipline. tonight i pray for a community of believers to walk with me through this journey.

because, well, "this is for keeps. a life or death fight to the finish"

day one

God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. he led me around and among them - a lot of bones! there were bones all over the plain - dry bones, bleached by the sun.

he said to me, "son of man, can these bones live?"

i said, "Master God, only you know that."

~ ezekiel 37:1-3, the message

i sometimes joke that my job has sucked the life out of me. i'm eternally exhausted from the long hours and the constant craziness, but more than that i have allowed my work completely take over my soul. i spend all day at work then i come home, sit on the couch and work some more. i moved to a village so i could spend less time commuting and more time actually working.

i could blame all of this on my employer, but the truth is that i allowed this to happen. everyone is overworked these days. everyone has been charged to "do more with less, better." each time i sold a bit more of my soul to my job, i stole more and more of it from it's Originator.

back in the day, lent wasn't about losing weight or cutting out coffee. lent was a period of dedicated study of the catechism in preparation for baptism and admission into the orthodox church at easter. over the next 40 days i'm committing to dedicated study and prayer in preparation for my own re-admission into the church. over the next 40 days i'm asking the Creator to create in me a heart worth loving and a life worth living.

tonight i pray that my dry bones would find form through the words of my Maker. tonight i pray that my soul would find life in the breath of my Sustainer.

rope bones, part two

i bought pete a new rope toy yesterday. it wasn't your typical twisted and knotted at each end variety. it was shaped like a bone and had no frayed edges. i haven't bought pete a rope bone in many months, but this one looked so neat and strong that i thought i'd give it a try. a rope bone was his very first toy and he has always loved them, he just destroys them so quickly that i can't afford to give them to him anymore. well, i was sure this one would last longer than the others.

as soon as i got home, pete sniffed through my bags and discovered his new toy. i quickly cut it free from it's wrapping and pete ran off with it tucked
inside his teeth.

the bone was shredded in a matter of minutes.

 i should have known.
(remember pete's history with rope bones?)

i threw the shredded pieces of yarn in the trash can, hoping pete wouldn't find them.

he did. and it wasn't long before tiny pink and brown threads littered my bedroom floor so densely that i could barely see the carpet. after finally cleaning up all of the pieces, i put them in a bag and threw them out in the trash can outside in the rain where pete couldn't get to them.

i'm just like pete. i fell for someone years ago. i refuse to ever say that i loved him, but i definitely fell into something... (as the civil wars song says, "i don't love you, ...but i always will.") for years i thought that he had me under some sort of spell. i thought about him all the time. even though i knew we were bad together, i couldn't help but accept him into my life time and time again. i'd shut him out, only to let him back in the very next time he came around. i'd lie to my friends about who was texting or where i was going. he was like a drug to me. i was addicted.

a couple of years ago, circumstance separated us and despite similar friends i kept from seeing him for a year. when he resurfaced, i convinced myself that we could be friends. that i could somehow put the past behind me. that i could forget the way he looked at me and i felt like i was the most beautiful girl in the world. that i could forget all of the crazy fun times we had together. that i could forget all of the ways that he hurt me. that i could move forward with the man that had once been my friend.

i was wrong.

i saw him a couple of weeks ago and everything i had suppressed for so long all came flooding back to the surface. i danced with the devil and the younger, stupider havaleh came out to play. i joyfully jumped over lines and flirted with territory i hoped i'd never see. i made all the poor choices i made years ago, only this time i knew better. i knew better and i chose not to care.

around the time when i was lost with this guy years ago, my friend dawn sent me this postcard that read, "she threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsuitable men". i thought it was hysterical. she thought it was fitting. i've kept the card for the last 5 years. about a month ago, pete chewed it up and for some reason i kept the pieces that remained.

maybe it was to remind myself of the person i was. maybe it was to remind myself of the person i didn't want to be anymore. maybe i was simply holding on to the pieces that remained of an epic romance.

like pete, i held on to the trash that remained after something i loved was destroyed.

well, now it's time to throw it all away. it doesn't matter how many different kinds of rope bones i bring home to pete. he will destroy every one of them until he swallows dangerous pieces of yarn. it doesn't matter how many years go by, my relationship with that man will always be toxic. not because of him, but because of me. sure, he might be my drug, but i'm the one with an addiction.

friends of mine would like to make him a villain. they like to think that he's this horrible person who waltzes into my life like a tornado on steroids and laughs at the wreckage as he whirlwinds out, but that wouldn't be fair to him and it wouldn't be fair to me. i'm not some damsel in distress. i am a strong, educated woman who makes my own decisions, even the bad ones. and i'm not just some victim of crazy voodoo tactics. as much power as he may have over me, i have just as much power over him. as much as he has abused that power, i have too. tonight though...tonight i say goodbye to it all. tonight i relinquish my power over him and i relegate his power over me.
tonight i threw away the remnants of that postcard, along with the remnants of hope left inside of me that one day i could salvage this friendship. (tonight i don't just write about throwing away burnt cookies. tonight i actually carried them to the trash bin outside in the rain.)

tonight i let that piece of my past die. tonight i let that piece of me die.

lent will begin later this week. lent is my favorite season of the year and it centers around this concept of death. during lent, we die to the things that separate us from our Maker and Sustainer. sometimes people give up something for lent. this year, i've given up someone.

i'll also be working my way through a lenton study - writing to god. those writings will take the place of my usual blog. i know some of you have ordered the book and will be doing the same. please feel free to comment throughout the 40 days about how you interpret the scripture prompts each day. i look forward to our time together through this season of holy reflection. what needs to die inside of us? what will be pruned from our habitual living? who are we becoming?