hypocrite

"hypocrite" he said. i felt his eyes on me as he said it. i knew he was talking about me even before my eyes met his, full of justified anger.

we had grown up in the church together, so although we had never been close friends we had known each other for years. we were gathered at the church with other senior high students for a unique bible study setting. having just finished the disciple bible study series, our class was looking for a way to continue the depth of conversation we experienced through the disciple series while exploring other topics.

our fearless adult leaders were absolutely incredible. the bartuneks are wonderful people and led us with this incredible freedom, allowing us to ask questions and be fully ourselves without consequence while simultaneously instilling such wisdom into our young hearts and minds.

when we decided to continue meeting, they created a unique space where we would come together with no agenda, no lesson, nothing. they brought a multitude of tote bags filled to the brim with a variety of translations of the bible, concordances, atlases - all kinds of biblical research resources. each week we came together, brainstormed what topic we would discuss, then hit the books in search of what scripture had to say to our experiences.

to this day, that short-lived bible study has been my favorite small group / sunday school / bible study adventure. i loved the freedom and the study, the mixture of scripture and personal experience, the wonderful people who gathered at the table each week.

i loved that bible study, but man, i hated the week we discussed hypocrites.

i had heard through the grapevine that was the name he was calling me at school, so it shouldn't have shocked me so much when "hypocrite" was the word that came out of his mouth as we brainstormed what would be our topic that evening.

but i was absolutely caught off guard. stunned, actually.

my face burned, my eyes watered, my stomach turned. i wanted to vomit.

...because it was true.
i was a hypocrite.

my best friend and i talked a good talk, but if i was completely honest with myself, i was just as catty and pretentious as the typical high school so-called "mean girl". i wasn't anywhere close to being the most popular girl in school, but that didn't matter. you don't have to be popular to treat others poorly.

to top it off, i was incredibly shy. so when i wasn't ignoring people because i didn't care about them, i was avoiding them because i was afraid of being socially awkward and making a fool of myself. either way, i looked like a snob. (i still struggle with that self-conscious shyness.)

maybe it was just a coincidence. maybe he wasn't really calling me out. it doesn't really matter though, because i needed the smack in the face.

i've spent the last ten years working on becoming the person i was created to be. i've screwed up a lot. my early twenties were full of a poor choices. heck, i was a co-founder of "team bad decisions" in my early charlotte years. and there have been moments when i've fallen back into that former version of myself and it hasn't been pretty.

...i'm going to pause here because i don't want anyone out there thinking that i was out there overdosing on drugs and stealing cars. when comparing my bad decisions with someone like lindsay lohan, well i've always been an angel. the point is, though, that i wasn't called to be lindsay lohan. and i wasn't called to be 22-year-old havaleh havelka forever either. i am called to become someone better than that.

to this day, whenever i see him or i hear the word "hypocrite" i think of that moment in high school and the shame and embarrassment that came along with it.

and when i thought of my lent challenge for this week, i thought of this story and how it has impacted my entire life since. this week i'm supposed to sacrifice what describes me. i've spent the past decade trying to do just that. because once upon a time, the word "hypocrite" described me and every day i get a little bit closer to changing that.

what words describe you? do you take ownership of them? do you take ownership for the values you export through your actions, your decisions, even your language?




Propaganda Solo: Sacrifice What Describes You from World Vision ACT:S on Vimeo.

sacrifice what describes you

Week Three: Sacrifice What Describes You from World Vision ACT:S


"we've all heard the phrase 'actions speak louder than words', but do we really believe it? ...what choices can we make that showcase the things we're passionate about?" ~ sam

i became a member of my church today. and it was one of the loneliest things i've done in a long while. as i stood in front between an adorable young couple from georgia and a woman who was excited because she had already joined the elderberries, a group for mature single women, well, i couldn't have felt more awkward. am i destined to join the elderberries too?

last week, at the membership class, the director of membership invited all of us to write a few sentences about ourselves for the pastors to read aloud as we are introduced to the congregation. i didn't know what to write. other people in the class wrote about their involvement in their last church or about how they ended up at st. luke's. my past involvement in the church has been that of employment. and not that i want to keep that a secret or anything, but i don't want that to be how i'm known here. i want to create a new church identity for myself.

so, what did i write on the page? "recently moved here from north carolina." yup. that's it.


what describes me? clearly i don't have a clue.

i'm going to have to think about this one some more...

sacrifice what feeds you

"what feeds you? what nourishes your body and mind? ...reevaluate what you eat and the information you take in in order to expand your world view." ~ sam

i apologize for my lack of writing this week! although i didn't write, i have been keeping up with this week's challenge - to sacrifice what feeds me.

this week, i drank only water in an effort to be reminded of just how privileged i am to have clean water at my disposal. and while i drank water this week, i thought about blood:water mission and the incredible work they are doing.

i thought about how a band partnered with a 21-year-old college student to start an organization with the goal of building 1000 wells in african communities. and i thought, what the heck am i doing?

so i attended the membership class at church. and i inquired about volunteering with the youth group. and i took the first steps to getting in contact with someone at the united methodist publishing house. these are my commitments for lent, and it's time for me to get moving. is it building a well in africa? no. but maybe, just maybe, through my volunteering ro my writing i'll help influence others to learn more about these issues and act on their convictions as well.

i think it's important to note that i screwed up this week. before i even realized what i had done, i finished a soda at lunch on wednesday. that was a harsh reminder for me that ignorance is all too easy to fall into. i couldn't even make it a whole week without forgetting to drink only water. how can i make it a lifetime without forgetting about the causes i believe in? 

that's why this lenten project is so important for me. i need to be reminded. i need to be surrounded by reminders. through the people i call friends, through the furnishings in my home and my office, through the food i eat and the water i drink, through the books i read and the news i watch.

Week Two: Sacrifice What Feeds You from World Vision ACT:S on Vimeo.

break my heart for what breaks Yours

i've been invited to deliver the message for the united methodist women (umw) sunday worship service in april. being the daughter of the umw president and the church organist brings it's own challenges, that's for sure. how could i turn down my mother when she asked me to speak a year in advance? and now my father is asking for scripture reading and key messages of the sermon so he can plan the music for the service accordingly.

all that to say, i've been thinking a lot lately about what that sermon will be about. i've been thinking about all of the opportunities i have been given by the united methodist women organization and about the individual united methodist women who have touched my life in such profound ways.

i think about going to summer camp with my friends as a kid and the united methodist women's scholarships to the camping funds, making those camps possible.

i think about the united methodist woman who connected me with the curriculum writing school at the united methodist publishing house when i was in college.

i think about the world health seminar at the church center of the united nations that i attended for free because i worked for one of the thirteen universities founded by united methodist women.

i think about the united methodist woman at the general board of church and society who opened my eyes to the world of social justice and especially to the every day work we can do to eradicate poverty.

i think about that transformational weekend spent in that beautiful building that united methodist women built on capital hill because they knew they had to be IN it in order to change it.

i think about the words written along the ceiling of the main lobby in that building: "and what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." ~ micah 6:8

which brings me back to last week's challenge.

"what breaks your heart? what makes you want to stand up for what you believe in? and what do you have to see everyday to remind you of what's important?" ~ sam

my challenge was to sacrifice my surroundings in order to remind myself of what i believe in and the causes i hold dear. so, for my home i created these:

and, to remind me why i do the work that i do, for my office i made this:

it all makes me think about a beautiful song by eddie from ohio - walk humbly son:
walk humbly, son
walk humbly now
and cherish every step
for a life well spent
on this earth we're lent
will be marked by the void you have left
 
may you conquer not curse challenges
may you hold back the dark like a dam
may you lead your life with lion's roar
may you leave it like a lamb
don't await rewards for your good deeds
a reward won't make them good
don't await judgment of any foes
they'll receive just what they should
 
when you find the axis of this world
don't tread too far inside
run away as far as you think you can
be well and enjoy the ride
walk humbly, son
and store your pride
when you need strength later on
for your life's work will be judged if earth
is saddened when you have gone
walk humbly, son
walk humbly now
and forget not where you are from
may you go further than those before
and provide for those to come
 
will you walk humbly, son