30.B4.30 - published

i kicked off my 29th year by cleaning my house, jump starting a healthier lifestyle, reading some books that have been sitting on the shelves for years and, oh yeah, getting published.

the first few weeks since my birthday have been filled with good intentions. so good, in fact, that i've been able to make some progress on my 30 before 30 list:

a. i've lost 3 pounds. (that's 1/10 of the way to my first goal.)

b. i am halfway through one of the unread books on my shelf.

c. i bought lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis" (i haven't even made it through the preface, but i'm LOVING it.)

d. my writing has been published in a national publication.

what you don't know, is that i have actually been published before. once. when i was in high school. a poem. it's in some book. i don't remember the name. basically, it's a book that publishes a bunch of people's work, then tries to sell you incredibly overpriced copies. and you buy it, because you're 14 and your words on printed on the pages inside. then you never look at it and 15 years go by and you find yourself forgetting that you were ever a writer before now.

ah, life.


so, a while back i wrote about my hazing experiences. and that went a bit viral, i suppose. people i didn't know were writing me because they connected with my story. eventually word spread to the folks at hazingprevention.org and they asked if i would rewrite the blogs as an article to be included in the 2012 national hazing prevention week resource guide, which colleges and universities reference when planning nhpw events. of course, i said that i would. and i did.

they changed the title, though. i wonder if that's because "i am a product of hazing" sounded like i was proud of it or something. i'm not sure. anyway, you can check it out on their website. (it's toward the bottom. you have to register, but it's free)

30 things to do before i'm 30

at 26, the list was best memories.
at 27, favorite gifts.
at 28, my most influential mentors.
at 29, i'm doing things a little bit differently. this year, i've made a list of the 30 things i'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday.

the list may not be what you might have expected from me. you're used to seeing a list of items, explained at great length. this year, you'll see a simple list with no further detail. the explanations will come throughout the year.

some of the items may seem trivial to you, but please be patient with me. each item on this list has significance, although you may not see it at face value. as i journal my attempts at completing this list throughout the year, i hope you will see that even the smallest of tasks can be a huge achievement. 

the biggest thing i may need to remind myself of, though, is that it's not failure if i tried. there are some things on this list that despite my strongest efforts, i may never accomplish. i mean, heck, i've tried learning how to play the guitar too many times to count. the bottom line is trying. really trying. and i have to be able to forgive myself if i don't succeed. the list is a guide. it is a reminder that every year is a chance to start over. that every year is an opportunity to be the person i've always wanted to be. but i don't have to be a slave to the list. i must give myself some grace when things don't go as i had hoped or expected. who knows, maybe some of the easiest things on the list will become the most difficult to accomplish. there will be a lesson in everything. even in (maybe especially in) not being able to cross something off..

without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my list of 30 things to do before i'm 30:

1) learn to play the guitar (or at least give it a good honest try, for the fifth time)

2) visit friends scattered along the pacific

3) paint something and hang it in my home

4) read an auto/biography

5) share a first kiss with someone actually worth a second and third

6) purchase a tv

7) learn to make sushi

8) read the 4th book in the maze runner series (don't judge me)

9) find pete an indy puppy playmate

10) lose 30 pounds

11) take a real vacation (not visit friends or family)

12) go to an over the rhine concert

13) serve my community through a fundraiser or project

14) finish the afghan i began knitting in 2005

15) learn how to clip pete's nails

16) see the west coast

17) find curtains for my living room

18) buy pencils and crack open my old sketch book

19) complete my map art project

20) see sydney play volleyball

21) read lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis"

22) spend time with the entire havelka family together

23) redecorate my bedroom

24) join something - a gym, a class, a small group - anything.

25) make sure the people i love know it

26) get published

27) pick a recipe book and try all of the recipes

28) read all of the unread books on my shelves

29) allow space for the unexpected

30) journal about these 30 things and my attempts to succeed

on repeat

the song has been on repeat for days. i haven't listened to the record in over a year, but this week it has been running through my head like a prayer.

"when you're lost then you're found, then you're found then you're lost...just remember, you're coming home to Me."

i've been in my head a lot lately. analyzing everything. questioning it all. wondering who the heck i am anymore and where i might be headed.

i feel like my life has been so stagnant for so long. but, didn't i move to a new city in the past year? didn't i start a new job? didn't i join a new church? haven't i made new friends? haven't i traveled to cities i'd never seen before?

a lot has happened this year, and yet i'm approaching a birthday feeling like i'm the same person i was a year ago. that i haven't grown. that, sadly, i may have even regressed.

i've learned a lot through my new job, but i don't know that i've learned anything new about myself in the past year. it's time to learn who i am and what exactly i'm capable of.

"when you get there you'll see you were already free."