"tis' the season to be jolly, so why am i so melancholy?"
(i feel like that's in a song somewhere...but maybe i'm making it up)
today my boss invited me into his office. he asked me to shut the door and sit down for a minute. i of course followed his wishes. what came next, i was not prepared for. he said, "is everything okay? i feel like you have been sad lately."
my soul ached as i heard the words leave his lips. i felt like i was in one of those made-for-tv-movies in the moment when the music swells and the camera pans out as the parents stage an intervention with the teenage girl and her long-time eating disorder.
the truth is that i am not sad at all. i have had a beautiful week. i finished my classes for the semester, caught up on projects that have been haunting me for months, even cleared out my e-mail inbox for the first time since i took on the new job. this has been a very good week!
so why does my boss find me to be sad? why is my disposition not matching my emotion?
i don't have an answer...
what i do have, though, is a christmas card from my aunt jeanne before she passed away. i have no idea how old this card is, but i uncovered it tonight as i looked through a box of old cards and letters to search for friends' addresses so i could send out christmas cards. i opened the card to the familiar writing and the even more familiar phrase, "candles for all at mass tonight. pray for me, too."
my aunt was a devout catholic and always lit candles for people. she made a point of telling you when she did and also telling you when she prayed for you. lots of people do that, but few ask for prayer for themselves. she always did. every time i called her to thank her for the birthday money or the card in college she would tell me she was praying for me and then she would ask me to pray for her. every phone call. every card.
it's easy to tell someone that you are praying for them. although i have a friend who gets annoyed when someone tells them that they are praying for him. he says that it is undermining his own beliefs and it seems like laughing in his face for not sharing the same faith. whatever your intention, it's easy to tell someone what you're doing on their behalf and then walk away ignorantly without ever hearing what they have to say or hear what they believe. it's an act of vulnerability and an act of courage to ask someone to pray for you. in that simple act we admit that we don't have it all together and that we, too, need some help. in that act we also challenge our brothers and sisters to join us in our faith. for me, aunt jeanne's words were a constant reminder to stay in regular contact with my Maker.
maybe that's what russ was really asking when he called me into his office this morning. maybe the question wasn't just "is everything okay?" maybe the real question was "is there anything i can pray about for you?"
maybe my disposition hasn't been the best because i haven't been really faithful in my prayer life lately. sure, i say my daily prayers. but i haven't been in real conversation with God. i've thanked the Creator for my many blessings and i've asked for those blessings to be extended to my neighbors in the specific ways that they need, but i haven't really spent time with God. that changes now.
so tonight, in the dark midnight hour as i light a candle in memory of an incredible aunt and prepare for prayer, i ask you to please "pray for me, too".
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
before this fleeting season
Lord, before this fleeting season is upon us,
let me remember to walk slowly.
Lord, bless my heart with love and with quiet.
give my heart a leaning to hear carols.
grace our family with contentment,
and the peace that comes only from You.
Lord, help us to do less this busy season;
go less;
stay closer to home;
kneel more.
may our hearts be Your heart.
may we simply, peacefully, celebrate You.
~ maryann jindra
a day of thanks
what i am thankful for this day (and always), in no particular order:
1. my family. they can be wacky but i love them :)
2. coshocton. a lot of people dog this place (with perfectly good reason), but it will always be home.
3. the lake park playvillion. countless memories were made there and it's always fun to go back.
4. food. and not just food, but good fresh food. and the fact that i have never been hungry.
5. the thousands of individuals and organizations who are fighting world hunger.
6. my job. i love my job. i love empowering students to create their own college experience.
7. my students. pfeiffer has one-of-a-kind students who pour their hearts into their work/ministry/sport.
8. my coworkers. i work with an amazing team of passionate professionals.
9. the village people. the weekly "get ready for monday!" and "glee" parties with becca, katie, and katy keep me moving!
10. music. there is nothing in this world that makes me FEEL more than good music.
11. cold weather. sweaters and coats and scarves and boots - yes!
12. love. there can never be enough love in this world.
13. hate. i think it's okay to hate, as long as you're hating something like poverty or racism or greed.
14. my pillow. i have laid my head down on the same feather pillow since middle school. it's perfect.
15. laughter. there is not a sweeter sound on this earth.
16. Jesus, who needs no explanation.
1. my family. they can be wacky but i love them :)
2. coshocton. a lot of people dog this place (with perfectly good reason), but it will always be home.
3. the lake park playvillion. countless memories were made there and it's always fun to go back.
4. food. and not just food, but good fresh food. and the fact that i have never been hungry.
5. the thousands of individuals and organizations who are fighting world hunger.
6. my job. i love my job. i love empowering students to create their own college experience.
7. my students. pfeiffer has one-of-a-kind students who pour their hearts into their work/ministry/sport.
8. my coworkers. i work with an amazing team of passionate professionals.
9. the village people. the weekly "get ready for monday!" and "glee" parties with becca, katie, and katy keep me moving!
10. music. there is nothing in this world that makes me FEEL more than good music.
11. cold weather. sweaters and coats and scarves and boots - yes!
12. love. there can never be enough love in this world.
13. hate. i think it's okay to hate, as long as you're hating something like poverty or racism or greed.
14. my pillow. i have laid my head down on the same feather pillow since middle school. it's perfect.
15. laughter. there is not a sweeter sound on this earth.
16. Jesus, who needs no explanation.
Monday, November 16, 2009
expecting the unexpected
wednesday afternoon i received a call from the dealership where i do all the servicing for my car. the woman on the other end of the line asked what it would take for me to trade in my car and get a new one. she said that they had no hondas on their pre-owned lot and, being a honda dealership, this was a problem. i told her that i would only consider it if they lowered my monthly payment and didn't tack on more than 2 years of the financing i still had left on my current car. she asked me to come in the next morning, so i did.
i explained to justin, the salesman, that i was in no way interested in buying a new car. i love my car. it is a great car. it's not even three years old. it has treated me well and it was in perfect shape. justin agreed, which is why they wanted it on their used lot. he said that looked it over the last time it was in for an oil change and since i was such a loyal client, that they wanted to offer me $2000 more than the kelly blue book value of my car. (luckily, i had done my homework and checked this out the night before just in case he was going to try to swindle me! ...he didn't.) he gave me the numbers and ended up offering me a brand new version of the same exact car i had with a lower monthly payment and only added two more years to the financing i had with the old car.
students keep asking me how long i'm going to stay at pfeiffer. i think they are quickly realizing that as i finish my master's i have one less thing holding me to this place. they recognize that i am overworked and undersocialized. my entire life here is work. i get away every once in a while, but my closest ties are in places like ohio or charlotte or boston. social activity in misenheimer can be boring for students. it is utterly nonexistent for single young men and women. this is a good place to settle down with a family, but when you're on your own life can get pretty lonely out here.
my answer is always the same: "i have no plans on leaving."
am i looking at other jobs? of course, but not seriously. every young professional my age is always looking for ways to expand their experiences and build up their resume. i would be silly not to be looking, but that's all i'm doing - looking. i'm not searching.
i love my job. i love the students i work for and the staff i work with. i love the small school atmosphere and the dedication to our church-relatedness. i love that my superiors truly let my job be a ministry. i have no intentions on leaving.
but i had no intentions on trading in my old car, either. i drove onto that lot with a trunk full of pampered chef boxes to be delivered in ohio next week, a cup of tea in the cup holder, and a pile of mail in the back seat.
the only constant in life is to expect the unexpected.
i explained to justin, the salesman, that i was in no way interested in buying a new car. i love my car. it is a great car. it's not even three years old. it has treated me well and it was in perfect shape. justin agreed, which is why they wanted it on their used lot. he said that looked it over the last time it was in for an oil change and since i was such a loyal client, that they wanted to offer me $2000 more than the kelly blue book value of my car. (luckily, i had done my homework and checked this out the night before just in case he was going to try to swindle me! ...he didn't.) he gave me the numbers and ended up offering me a brand new version of the same exact car i had with a lower monthly payment and only added two more years to the financing i had with the old car.
students keep asking me how long i'm going to stay at pfeiffer. i think they are quickly realizing that as i finish my master's i have one less thing holding me to this place. they recognize that i am overworked and undersocialized. my entire life here is work. i get away every once in a while, but my closest ties are in places like ohio or charlotte or boston. social activity in misenheimer can be boring for students. it is utterly nonexistent for single young men and women. this is a good place to settle down with a family, but when you're on your own life can get pretty lonely out here.
my answer is always the same: "i have no plans on leaving."
am i looking at other jobs? of course, but not seriously. every young professional my age is always looking for ways to expand their experiences and build up their resume. i would be silly not to be looking, but that's all i'm doing - looking. i'm not searching.
i love my job. i love the students i work for and the staff i work with. i love the small school atmosphere and the dedication to our church-relatedness. i love that my superiors truly let my job be a ministry. i have no intentions on leaving.
but i had no intentions on trading in my old car, either. i drove onto that lot with a trunk full of pampered chef boxes to be delivered in ohio next week, a cup of tea in the cup holder, and a pile of mail in the back seat.
the only constant in life is to expect the unexpected.
Friday, October 16, 2009
the american dream
exhausted.
my body aching
my soul depleted
exhausted.
daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
if i strive long enough
if i dream big enough
that i could do anything.
so i went to college.
counselor told me to build up a resume
so i double majored
i got all a's
i filled my schedule with
curriculars, co-curriculars, extra-curriculars
until there wasn't a minute left.
over 10,000 moments
of classes
and clubs
and meetings
and service
and projects
and lessons
and work
and...
and...
and...exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.
all so i could get a job.
and get a job, i did.
three, in fact.
one to pay for a roof over my head
one to pay for food on my table
and one to pay for the transportation to get to the other two
who has time to dream
when you're working 95 hours a week?
daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
strive long enough
believe firmly enough
that i could do anything.
exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.
is this the american dream?
my body aching
my soul depleted
exhausted.
daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
if i strive long enough
if i dream big enough
that i could do anything.
so i went to college.
counselor told me to build up a resume
so i double majored
i got all a's
i filled my schedule with
curriculars, co-curriculars, extra-curriculars
until there wasn't a minute left.
over 10,000 moments
of classes
and clubs
and meetings
and service
and projects
and lessons
and work
and...
and...
and...exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.
all so i could get a job.
and get a job, i did.
three, in fact.
one to pay for a roof over my head
one to pay for food on my table
and one to pay for the transportation to get to the other two
who has time to dream
when you're working 95 hours a week?
daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
strive long enough
believe firmly enough
that i could do anything.
exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.
is this the american dream?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
tenderheart
do you remember the care bears? i remember them from my childhood a little, but mostly i remember them from when they relaunched in 2002. i was in college at the time and nose deep in sorority life. my friend carrie chose "care bear" as her sorority nick name. (so much cooler than the generic "hav dawg" i was given...) her room was COVERED in care bears. blankets, stuffed animals, pillow cases - you name it, she had it.
one of my students, laura beth, can best be described as one with a gentle spirit and a tender heart. she cares so deeply for the feelings of others. it's taken me a while to warm up to who laura beth is because it is so different from how i tend to be.
for example, carrie wasn't the only one in college to catch on to the care bear craze. other friends bought bears as well. someone bought me "grumpy bear". if tenderheart is the the bear i would give laura beth, then what does it mean that i was given grumpy bear? what does that say about who i was and how i treated others?
i thank God for the laura beths of this world. we need them. to remind us of all that is good and pure in this world and to show us how to simply CARE for one another.
she shut down during one of our activities this morning. our facilitator, susan, from the general board of church and society was demonstrating the abuse people in poverty experience every day, without prepping the students for it, so they didn't know what was happening. all they knew was that she was yelling at them for not finishing the activity on time. "if only you were smarter - does pfeiffer just let ANYONE in?" "if only you worked harder!" "do you not care if you win or not?" "what's wrong with you??"
laura beth had enough. she had tried to speak up, but susan just spoke over her. she tried again. failed again. she ended up turning around in her chair and turning her back to the group circle. if she wouldn't be heard, then she wouldn't engage in the conversation at all.
eventually susan shared the purpose and brought it back to the issue of poverty and the students realized that she had only been pretending before.
what if everyone had done with laura beth did? what if everyone quit listening to susan? what if they left the room? who would she have been speaking to then? a leader who has no one listening to them is not a leader anymore. maybe we could correct some of the social issues in this world if only we would stop listening to those who are content with further silencing those without voices. maybe we could make this world a more tender hearted place...
one of my students, laura beth, can best be described as one with a gentle spirit and a tender heart. she cares so deeply for the feelings of others. it's taken me a while to warm up to who laura beth is because it is so different from how i tend to be.
for example, carrie wasn't the only one in college to catch on to the care bear craze. other friends bought bears as well. someone bought me "grumpy bear". if tenderheart is the the bear i would give laura beth, then what does it mean that i was given grumpy bear? what does that say about who i was and how i treated others?
i thank God for the laura beths of this world. we need them. to remind us of all that is good and pure in this world and to show us how to simply CARE for one another.
she shut down during one of our activities this morning. our facilitator, susan, from the general board of church and society was demonstrating the abuse people in poverty experience every day, without prepping the students for it, so they didn't know what was happening. all they knew was that she was yelling at them for not finishing the activity on time. "if only you were smarter - does pfeiffer just let ANYONE in?" "if only you worked harder!" "do you not care if you win or not?" "what's wrong with you??"
laura beth had enough. she had tried to speak up, but susan just spoke over her. she tried again. failed again. she ended up turning around in her chair and turning her back to the group circle. if she wouldn't be heard, then she wouldn't engage in the conversation at all.
eventually susan shared the purpose and brought it back to the issue of poverty and the students realized that she had only been pretending before.
what if everyone had done with laura beth did? what if everyone quit listening to susan? what if they left the room? who would she have been speaking to then? a leader who has no one listening to them is not a leader anymore. maybe we could correct some of the social issues in this world if only we would stop listening to those who are content with further silencing those without voices. maybe we could make this world a more tender hearted place...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
memorials and memories
this morning we hit up dc's favorite past-time - the monuments! we started with the washington monument and worked our way through to the korean war memorial. what incredible artistry...
as we were walking solemnly through the world war II memorial i couldn't help but send my infamous "death-glare" glances toward an annoying group of middle school boys and girls who seemed more interested in flirting than anything else. i had just about had it when i noticed several war veterans and their wives approaching. anticipating the horror of how disrespected these men and women would be when face to face with the little terrors, i anxiously watched on.
what i saw next was something i will never forget.
the pre-teen boys quit their female counterparts, excitedly approached the older gentlemen in their uniform hats, and nervously asked if they would mind having their picture taken with them. my jaw dropped. in the exact moment when i thought all hope was lost for this next generation, they proved me wrong. in the exact moment when i thought these boys would completely dishonor how those men so graciously served, they treated them like the heroes that they are.
as they gathered for the photo, the men stood tall with their shoulders back and their heads held high. the boys timidly mimicked their every move. when at last it was time to take the photo, they all smiled from ear to ear. picture perfect.
as we were walking solemnly through the world war II memorial i couldn't help but send my infamous "death-glare" glances toward an annoying group of middle school boys and girls who seemed more interested in flirting than anything else. i had just about had it when i noticed several war veterans and their wives approaching. anticipating the horror of how disrespected these men and women would be when face to face with the little terrors, i anxiously watched on.
what i saw next was something i will never forget.
the pre-teen boys quit their female counterparts, excitedly approached the older gentlemen in their uniform hats, and nervously asked if they would mind having their picture taken with them. my jaw dropped. in the exact moment when i thought all hope was lost for this next generation, they proved me wrong. in the exact moment when i thought these boys would completely dishonor how those men so graciously served, they treated them like the heroes that they are.
as they gathered for the photo, the men stood tall with their shoulders back and their heads held high. the boys timidly mimicked their every move. when at last it was time to take the photo, they all smiled from ear to ear. picture perfect.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
babies. i got stuck with babies.
our morning began at 5am. we silently gathered ourselves for breakfast and walked out the door at 5:45am. as we emerged from the metro station to walk the 5 more blocks to s.o.m.e. the sun had still not broken the day. so many men and women were hurrying through the streets as if rushing to beat the daylight so as not to be seen by us regular folk.
we saw many of those people only an hour later as they came to s.o.m.e. for a hot breakfast. what they received was more than just some food, though. every plate was served with a loving “good morning”, every coffee poured with a smile.
we served over 250 guests and then walked toward the bus station. we passed some of our guests on the streets as we walked. in our devotion time tonight sarah shared that she noticed a man that she had served that morning and though she wanted to say hello, he decidedly avoided her eyes and stared at the ground. is it shame? is it fear? is it what our society has taught him to do because we avert our eyes too?
we eventually reached the bus stop and took the bus over to martha’s table where i got stuck with babies. yes, …babies. others were cleaning playgrounds or preparing food for the mobile soup kitchen, but i was put with the babies.
i think the kids could tell that i wasn’t a baby person. they just stared at me skeptically as i tried to force tiny spoonfuls of applesauce into their tight-lipped little mouths. then i was sent to another room with 9 children 3-15 months old. immediately i was directed to pick up a little crying boy named brian. he settled down rather quickly – seemed he just wanted to be held. i awkwardly walked him around the room while the two classroom teachers fed lunch to the rest of the kids.
one of the teachers kept calling over to brian, telling him that he was being spoiled rotten today. being held is being spoiled? more specifically, being held by a weird lady who doesn’t like kids and doesn’t know how to talk to them is somehow special? i guess when you have 9 infants and only 2 teachers, you have few chances to hold the children and love on them.
being smiled at while walking down the street should not be special treatment. being held should not be special treatment. it ought to be the norm.
Monday, October 12, 2009
the seeds of revolution
we started our morning at the holocaust museum. what a way to begin... my heart sank more into my chest with each new image silently screaming at me from the walls. my stomach turned as i learned about the medical experiments doctors used to justify the torture of innocent jews. the students milled about the exhibits with tear-filled eyes and heavy hearts. it wasn't until i saw my name on the wall of victims, however, that the tears came flooding from the depths of my soul. there it was - hava. there were too many names to count etched onto that glass wall, but my eyes zeroed in on the one my parents chose for me before i was yet born, some 36 years ago. suddenly, this wasn't just a passive walk through history. suddenly, i was part of the story.
isn't this how, all too often, we react? we watch the commercial with starving children in darfur while cooking dinner for our families, and sure we feel bad about it. but it doesn't stop us from continuing with what we were doing. we hear about the genocide in africa, and we quiet our minds with a loud sigh. but then we go back to our lives and move on. it isn't until we find ourselves in the story that we begin to care enough to act.
in our devotion tonight joey read job chapter 17: "my spirit is crushed and my life is nearly snuffed out...where then is my hope? can anyone find it?" (job 17:1, 15 nlv) and begged the question, "what injustices do you see that you want to see end and how do you stop them?" students spoke of large world issues and their desire to see change. they spoke against the passivity of the church today, who only fights causes when they become trends, "when shouldn't we be the ones leading the revolution?"
i think there's a reason that revolution and revelation sound so similar. it is through revelation that the seeds of revolution are planted.
God is definitely planting seeds within these students already this week...
isn't this how, all too often, we react? we watch the commercial with starving children in darfur while cooking dinner for our families, and sure we feel bad about it. but it doesn't stop us from continuing with what we were doing. we hear about the genocide in africa, and we quiet our minds with a loud sigh. but then we go back to our lives and move on. it isn't until we find ourselves in the story that we begin to care enough to act.
in our devotion tonight joey read job chapter 17: "my spirit is crushed and my life is nearly snuffed out...where then is my hope? can anyone find it?" (job 17:1, 15 nlv) and begged the question, "what injustices do you see that you want to see end and how do you stop them?" students spoke of large world issues and their desire to see change. they spoke against the passivity of the church today, who only fights causes when they become trends, "when shouldn't we be the ones leading the revolution?"
i think there's a reason that revolution and revelation sound so similar. it is through revelation that the seeds of revolution are planted.
God is definitely planting seeds within these students already this week...
Monday, September 28, 2009
on sleeping and sabbath keeping
i don't sleep much these days. i wish i could say that i try, but the best argument that i can find is that i've been in bed since 11pm. that was over three hours ago. maybe if it weren't for this computer in front of me and the textbook in my lap, i would have fallen asleep sooner. but maybe not.
i get into these phases where my mind constantly runs through my to-do list - "finish reading chapter 10 of world religions, read chapter 9-11 of the old testament textbook, skim desuteronomy, vaccuum the upstairs of the house, move all of my toiletries from the shower before the maintenance guys come to rip it out and put in a new one, get the clothes out of the dryer (but not before i fluff them again so they're not all wrinkly, of course), pack my bag for charlotte tomorrow, and let's not forget the absolute "must" of checking my school e-mail account to see if there are any e-mails about the incidents this weekend."
add to that my constant need to repeatedly go over my schedule for the next day - "wake up, shower, pack up computer, eat some breakfast, go into the office, meeting, take my car to get the oil changed at 10am, leave from there for charlotte, call andrew on the drive, pick up gift cards for student activities event at target, class 2pm-5pm, dinner, class 6pm-9pm, drive home, call rich on the drive, come home and begin homework for class next week."
no matter how hard i try i can't seem to make it stop. i like to dream that if i could get through my to-do list completely that i could stop and fall asleep then, but there are just not enough hours in the day. every day it's the same thing. even today...i woke up to the phone calls of student concerns. spent the morning on the phone for work, went to an ultimate frisbee match because i promised students i would be there to support them, then drove to huntersville for refugee Bible study, stayed only an hour before making the hour-long drive back here for a sports chaplain meeting. then spent the rest of the night here, on my bed, trying to read and relax and get through a few more things on my to-do list for the day.
today is supposed to be the sabbath. what happened? a week or so ago someone asked me when i took sabbath. i looked at them with astonishment... who takes sabbath anymore? i sure don't.
i need to.
i really need to.
i am losing my wits far too quickly and i'm having trouble admitting it to anyone. i somehow make it through each day, but i am hanging on by a thinly shredded thread. one of these days i'm going to crash and burn.
my body and my spirit simply can't keep up with this fast-paced life. i am racing toward this unattainable goal each and every week - "as soon as i get through this week, i'll be fine. next week i can start to really live my life." it never happens.
all summer i told myself that if i could just take on a little more coursework this year that i could finish my masters by may and be DONE. that if i could just get through this year, then i will have made it. after may, my life can calm down and i can begin to take sabbath again. right now, it's just not an option.
i have been cruelly lying to myself.
1) running myself into the ground now will do nothing positive for my future. it will only stunt my growth.
2) just because i finish grad school does not mean that my life will slow down or that i won't fill that vacant time with something else that keeps me busy. knowing me, i will do just that.
and so, tonight, as i lie in this bed surrounded by notebooks and textbooks and even this laptop, i make a new household rule: my bed is for relaxing and sleeping. no books. no computers. no paperwork. no NOTHING except this body and my fabulously fluffy pillows. i am retaking this space for ME.
i get into these phases where my mind constantly runs through my to-do list - "finish reading chapter 10 of world religions, read chapter 9-11 of the old testament textbook, skim desuteronomy, vaccuum the upstairs of the house, move all of my toiletries from the shower before the maintenance guys come to rip it out and put in a new one, get the clothes out of the dryer (but not before i fluff them again so they're not all wrinkly, of course), pack my bag for charlotte tomorrow, and let's not forget the absolute "must" of checking my school e-mail account to see if there are any e-mails about the incidents this weekend."
add to that my constant need to repeatedly go over my schedule for the next day - "wake up, shower, pack up computer, eat some breakfast, go into the office, meeting, take my car to get the oil changed at 10am, leave from there for charlotte, call andrew on the drive, pick up gift cards for student activities event at target, class 2pm-5pm, dinner, class 6pm-9pm, drive home, call rich on the drive, come home and begin homework for class next week."
no matter how hard i try i can't seem to make it stop. i like to dream that if i could get through my to-do list completely that i could stop and fall asleep then, but there are just not enough hours in the day. every day it's the same thing. even today...i woke up to the phone calls of student concerns. spent the morning on the phone for work, went to an ultimate frisbee match because i promised students i would be there to support them, then drove to huntersville for refugee Bible study, stayed only an hour before making the hour-long drive back here for a sports chaplain meeting. then spent the rest of the night here, on my bed, trying to read and relax and get through a few more things on my to-do list for the day.
today is supposed to be the sabbath. what happened? a week or so ago someone asked me when i took sabbath. i looked at them with astonishment... who takes sabbath anymore? i sure don't.
i need to.
i really need to.
i am losing my wits far too quickly and i'm having trouble admitting it to anyone. i somehow make it through each day, but i am hanging on by a thinly shredded thread. one of these days i'm going to crash and burn.
my body and my spirit simply can't keep up with this fast-paced life. i am racing toward this unattainable goal each and every week - "as soon as i get through this week, i'll be fine. next week i can start to really live my life." it never happens.
all summer i told myself that if i could just take on a little more coursework this year that i could finish my masters by may and be DONE. that if i could just get through this year, then i will have made it. after may, my life can calm down and i can begin to take sabbath again. right now, it's just not an option.
i have been cruelly lying to myself.
1) running myself into the ground now will do nothing positive for my future. it will only stunt my growth.
2) just because i finish grad school does not mean that my life will slow down or that i won't fill that vacant time with something else that keeps me busy. knowing me, i will do just that.
and so, tonight, as i lie in this bed surrounded by notebooks and textbooks and even this laptop, i make a new household rule: my bed is for relaxing and sleeping. no books. no computers. no paperwork. no NOTHING except this body and my fabulously fluffy pillows. i am retaking this space for ME.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
26 memories for 26 years
in honor of my birthday today, i am going to share 26 memories from my last 26 years (in no particular order):
1) i peed my pants when i met cinderella at disney world. it's true. i no longer cringe when i hear this story. it's somewhat endearing..
2) i broke my finger on the playground at school in the third grade and my mom made me practice for my piano recital anyway. the recital was supposed to be the next day and i had to do a run through at the church with my piano teacher. mom thought i was just making excuses - she knew i hated those recitals. after my performance though, mrs. coffman noticed that i missed a lot of my lower notes in the left hand. that is when we looked at my hands and realized that my finger was green and purple. oops.
3) i got black-balled from theta chi in college. it was greek week and sean and i had been fighting something fierce for who knows what stupid reason. katie and i had gone to KA to cheer on our sisters at chandeliers and katie convinced me to walk down the street to apologize to sean. i hated the fighting, and i missed my friend, so i went. theta chi was hosting the horse shoe competition in their back yard, so that's where we headed. as soon as i came around the corner, will (president at the time) asked me to leave the premise. he said that i had disrespected a brother and had been black listed. luckily sean and i patched things up, haha.
4) in sixth grade we had a candy table that we set up at the end of the school day. i had bought some gobstoppers for a dollar on wednesday before going to church for kids club. i then sold the candy to some poor defenseless third grader for five dollars. most people would celebrate such a victory. i, however, cried. i felt horribly guilty. so guilty, in fact, that by the end of the program i gave the $5 back to the kid, even though she had eaten all of the candy already. so in the end, i had no money and no candy. awesome.
5) on a mission trip in rural ohio, carl roeger somehow tricked me into climbing on top of a two story house to do some roofing. i have a horrible fear of heights, so on work day number one he had me carrying packages of shingles from the pile to the ladder. each day he coaxed me a few more feet off of the ground until by the end of the week i was at the peak of the roof. i may not have completely conquered my fear of heights, but i did conquer my fear of that roof that week.
6) for my birthday one year when i was really young (kindergarten? 2nd grade?) my parents converted our garage into the party palace. there were games and food and even pin the tale on raccoon mario that my grandfather made for me. i still remember the scavenger hunt all over the yard. i thought our yard was HUGE then. i also remember receiving hair scrunchies from a certain boy and all of my girl friends snickering about it.
7) one winter in high school it snowed so much and got so cold that we didn't have school for something like a month straight. i remember one day my brother sliding down all of the ice in our back yard and then not being able to make it back up the hill. i ended up throwing a hammer or something down to him so he could pierce the ice and make foot holes to climb back up to the house. we spent all winter sliding down that hill and climbing back up. i also loved ice skating around on our back porch. that was an awesome winter!
8) my dad had a lot of sinus issues when we were growing up due to the chlorine of the school pool next to the choir room. because of this, even in the dead of winter, my friends and i would sit on the stairs outside and paint our toe nails. just the hint of the smell of polish would send my dad over the edge.
9) "playing" theta xi while pledging my freshman year of college. we ran back to mccuskey, drenched in water in the middle of a freezing cold night and i returned to my room with icicles in my hair. i was so afraid to comb my hair for fear that it would break off with the ice.
10) taking the "scenic route" with heather and chandra around town in high school and bowing to four chimneys, haha
11) fighting with kelly. man, we sure did know how to fight... but somehow we ended up stronger in the end.
12) speaking of kelly, i will never forget the random road trip kelly, carrie, and i took to pennsylvania to track down a certain boyfriend who didn't show up for his scheduled visit and wasn't returning phone calls. who knew we could arrive at our destination without any directions and even convince that teenage boy to let us on the boat trolley thing and take us to the island. then walking around the island while kelly and her boyfriend had a little "talk". fun times haha
13) singing "home among the hills" for the last time with the concert chorale. and i use "singing" lightly, since i think i cried the entire time and barely sang a note.
14) singing "home among the hills" for the first time at freshman orientation. my mom was sitting next to me crying. i made fun of her, but she assured me that the song would come to mean something to me one day.
15) the first dilworth refugee retreat. jenny and sally were so gracious to invite us out for an escape from the hell which was our lives at the time. i don't remember much from the actual weekend - i think my heart and my head were far too distressed and i have blocked all memory of the particulars, but i will never forget their kindness and support at a time when i felt like my world was ending.
16) the days of red lipstick at sephora. we had a manager once who made us all wear dark red lipstick every day at work. i felt it to be cruel and unusual punishment at first. then i came to love the red. sometimes i missed it...
17) dancing around mike's living room to "world swirl" after a night of fun with good friends.
18) my first 4th of july in charlotte, complete with a riot right outside of the window where monica, kara, katie, and i were celebrating.
19) not really a memory, but a non-memory... i cannot for the life of me remember who was my first boyfriend. i know that it is one of two guys, but i can't remember who was first! i dated one guy one year, and the other the next. i've wondered at this for years now. i hate my lack of a memory!
20) the day i found mr. darcy on the internet. yes, i fell in love online... kara promised me a cat for my birthday and i found one on the animal control website. we went in and there he was. three hours later, i had adopted him and he was headed to his new home.
21) after a truly horrible day at work, i came to katie's house (it was before i moved in and it became "our house", which was before she moved out and it became "my house") and laid my head in her lap and cried my eyes out. this was when i knew we were true friends.
22) trevor and nicole's wedding. truly the most beautiful wedding i have ever been a part of.
23) my grandparents used to spend their winters in florida, (because that's what all the great old ohioans do!) and gramps would send trevor and i hand drawings while they were gone. i wish i had kept more of those...
24) the day that sydney alexis cox hinkle was born into this world. chandra called me before school that day to tell me that she didn't need a ride. i called her between almost every class that day to check in and see if sydney was here yet. i skipped the wrestling meet that afternoon to go to the hospital and welcome our beautiful angel into this world.
25) playing with my cousins at my grandmother's house in reynoldsburg. we would turn her closet into the "chrishavannon cafe" and serve food to all of our family. we played the always incredible out of tune piano. we made forts out of walkers and blankets. we would sneak up to the upstairs bedrooms and guess at how old everything was. and we can't forget...using the groundhogs as target practice with the bow and arrows.
26) hearing my beautiful niece, zedica, sing "happy birthday" to me over the phone yesterday :)
so there you have it, friends. 26 memories for 26 years. thank you all for making it a life worth remembering!!
1) i peed my pants when i met cinderella at disney world. it's true. i no longer cringe when i hear this story. it's somewhat endearing..
2) i broke my finger on the playground at school in the third grade and my mom made me practice for my piano recital anyway. the recital was supposed to be the next day and i had to do a run through at the church with my piano teacher. mom thought i was just making excuses - she knew i hated those recitals. after my performance though, mrs. coffman noticed that i missed a lot of my lower notes in the left hand. that is when we looked at my hands and realized that my finger was green and purple. oops.
3) i got black-balled from theta chi in college. it was greek week and sean and i had been fighting something fierce for who knows what stupid reason. katie and i had gone to KA to cheer on our sisters at chandeliers and katie convinced me to walk down the street to apologize to sean. i hated the fighting, and i missed my friend, so i went. theta chi was hosting the horse shoe competition in their back yard, so that's where we headed. as soon as i came around the corner, will (president at the time) asked me to leave the premise. he said that i had disrespected a brother and had been black listed. luckily sean and i patched things up, haha.
4) in sixth grade we had a candy table that we set up at the end of the school day. i had bought some gobstoppers for a dollar on wednesday before going to church for kids club. i then sold the candy to some poor defenseless third grader for five dollars. most people would celebrate such a victory. i, however, cried. i felt horribly guilty. so guilty, in fact, that by the end of the program i gave the $5 back to the kid, even though she had eaten all of the candy already. so in the end, i had no money and no candy. awesome.
5) on a mission trip in rural ohio, carl roeger somehow tricked me into climbing on top of a two story house to do some roofing. i have a horrible fear of heights, so on work day number one he had me carrying packages of shingles from the pile to the ladder. each day he coaxed me a few more feet off of the ground until by the end of the week i was at the peak of the roof. i may not have completely conquered my fear of heights, but i did conquer my fear of that roof that week.
6) for my birthday one year when i was really young (kindergarten? 2nd grade?) my parents converted our garage into the party palace. there were games and food and even pin the tale on raccoon mario that my grandfather made for me. i still remember the scavenger hunt all over the yard. i thought our yard was HUGE then. i also remember receiving hair scrunchies from a certain boy and all of my girl friends snickering about it.
7) one winter in high school it snowed so much and got so cold that we didn't have school for something like a month straight. i remember one day my brother sliding down all of the ice in our back yard and then not being able to make it back up the hill. i ended up throwing a hammer or something down to him so he could pierce the ice and make foot holes to climb back up to the house. we spent all winter sliding down that hill and climbing back up. i also loved ice skating around on our back porch. that was an awesome winter!
8) my dad had a lot of sinus issues when we were growing up due to the chlorine of the school pool next to the choir room. because of this, even in the dead of winter, my friends and i would sit on the stairs outside and paint our toe nails. just the hint of the smell of polish would send my dad over the edge.
9) "playing" theta xi while pledging my freshman year of college. we ran back to mccuskey, drenched in water in the middle of a freezing cold night and i returned to my room with icicles in my hair. i was so afraid to comb my hair for fear that it would break off with the ice.
10) taking the "scenic route" with heather and chandra around town in high school and bowing to four chimneys, haha
11) fighting with kelly. man, we sure did know how to fight... but somehow we ended up stronger in the end.
12) speaking of kelly, i will never forget the random road trip kelly, carrie, and i took to pennsylvania to track down a certain boyfriend who didn't show up for his scheduled visit and wasn't returning phone calls. who knew we could arrive at our destination without any directions and even convince that teenage boy to let us on the boat trolley thing and take us to the island. then walking around the island while kelly and her boyfriend had a little "talk". fun times haha
13) singing "home among the hills" for the last time with the concert chorale. and i use "singing" lightly, since i think i cried the entire time and barely sang a note.
14) singing "home among the hills" for the first time at freshman orientation. my mom was sitting next to me crying. i made fun of her, but she assured me that the song would come to mean something to me one day.
15) the first dilworth refugee retreat. jenny and sally were so gracious to invite us out for an escape from the hell which was our lives at the time. i don't remember much from the actual weekend - i think my heart and my head were far too distressed and i have blocked all memory of the particulars, but i will never forget their kindness and support at a time when i felt like my world was ending.
16) the days of red lipstick at sephora. we had a manager once who made us all wear dark red lipstick every day at work. i felt it to be cruel and unusual punishment at first. then i came to love the red. sometimes i missed it...
17) dancing around mike's living room to "world swirl" after a night of fun with good friends.
18) my first 4th of july in charlotte, complete with a riot right outside of the window where monica, kara, katie, and i were celebrating.
19) not really a memory, but a non-memory... i cannot for the life of me remember who was my first boyfriend. i know that it is one of two guys, but i can't remember who was first! i dated one guy one year, and the other the next. i've wondered at this for years now. i hate my lack of a memory!
20) the day i found mr. darcy on the internet. yes, i fell in love online... kara promised me a cat for my birthday and i found one on the animal control website. we went in and there he was. three hours later, i had adopted him and he was headed to his new home.
21) after a truly horrible day at work, i came to katie's house (it was before i moved in and it became "our house", which was before she moved out and it became "my house") and laid my head in her lap and cried my eyes out. this was when i knew we were true friends.
22) trevor and nicole's wedding. truly the most beautiful wedding i have ever been a part of.
23) my grandparents used to spend their winters in florida, (because that's what all the great old ohioans do!) and gramps would send trevor and i hand drawings while they were gone. i wish i had kept more of those...
24) the day that sydney alexis cox hinkle was born into this world. chandra called me before school that day to tell me that she didn't need a ride. i called her between almost every class that day to check in and see if sydney was here yet. i skipped the wrestling meet that afternoon to go to the hospital and welcome our beautiful angel into this world.
25) playing with my cousins at my grandmother's house in reynoldsburg. we would turn her closet into the "chrishavannon cafe" and serve food to all of our family. we played the always incredible out of tune piano. we made forts out of walkers and blankets. we would sneak up to the upstairs bedrooms and guess at how old everything was. and we can't forget...using the groundhogs as target practice with the bow and arrows.
26) hearing my beautiful niece, zedica, sing "happy birthday" to me over the phone yesterday :)
so there you have it, friends. 26 memories for 26 years. thank you all for making it a life worth remembering!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
greensboro grasshoppers game
i wasn't paying attention to the beautiful men scouting the players on the field in front of me. no, sitting in front of me were three older women sharing a bag of peanuts and they held my attention.
they were dressed so sweetly with khaki capris and flowered tops. they talked and laughed and cheered for every run. i couldn't help but think of "a league of their own" and picture these women out there on the diamond in their younger years with tom hanks screaming "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" from the dugout.
it really was a sweet moment, and i just thought i would share it with you.
they were dressed so sweetly with khaki capris and flowered tops. they talked and laughed and cheered for every run. i couldn't help but think of "a league of their own" and picture these women out there on the diamond in their younger years with tom hanks screaming "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" from the dugout.
it really was a sweet moment, and i just thought i would share it with you.
Monday, July 27, 2009
dating in the dark
somehow i got sucked in to watching the season finale of the bachelorette. didn't watch a single episode all season, but i saw so many of my friends posting messages on facebook about the finale that i had to watch.
when the finale was over, a new show on abc premiered: dating in the dark. i got sucked in again.
if you haven't seen previews for it, the show is a dating experiment where three girls and three guys meet in a completely darkened room and date without ever seeing each other. weird, yeah?
it got me thinking...aren't we all just dating in the dark? i never really know the men on the other side of the dinner table. the more i get to know them, the more questions i have. people are complex and no one can be taken at face value.
maybe we're all in the dark reaching our arms out and hoping there's someone to hold, calling out praying that we're not alone.
when the finale was over, a new show on abc premiered: dating in the dark. i got sucked in again.
if you haven't seen previews for it, the show is a dating experiment where three girls and three guys meet in a completely darkened room and date without ever seeing each other. weird, yeah?
it got me thinking...aren't we all just dating in the dark? i never really know the men on the other side of the dinner table. the more i get to know them, the more questions i have. people are complex and no one can be taken at face value.
maybe we're all in the dark reaching our arms out and hoping there's someone to hold, calling out praying that we're not alone.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
sushi 101
typically, when faced with new experiences i like to pretend like i'm a pro. i don't like people to know that i've lived a pretty sheltered life. this time, however, i owned up to my lack of life experience and i let marisa and her friends tutor me in the ways of the japanese culinary creation known as sushi.
i decided not to even look at the menu as aaron, amy, and marisa ordered our dinner. i had no idea what they were ordering, but when our food was served, well it looked beautiful. later i would find out that they had picked some salmon, tuna, white fish, and eel.
i watched as marisa pulled her chosticks out of the paper wrapper and broke them apart. i mimicked her every move. then amy perpared a plate for me with such delicate use of her chopsticks that i decided she would be who i asked to teach me how to use my own. aaron seemed astounded that i would be new to all of this. what can i say? i grew up outside of amish country. i ate my rice with a fork.
what a learning experience. and what fun!
i decided not to even look at the menu as aaron, amy, and marisa ordered our dinner. i had no idea what they were ordering, but when our food was served, well it looked beautiful. later i would find out that they had picked some salmon, tuna, white fish, and eel.
i watched as marisa pulled her chosticks out of the paper wrapper and broke them apart. i mimicked her every move. then amy perpared a plate for me with such delicate use of her chopsticks that i decided she would be who i asked to teach me how to use my own. aaron seemed astounded that i would be new to all of this. what can i say? i grew up outside of amish country. i ate my rice with a fork.
what a learning experience. and what fun!
Friday, July 24, 2009
marching bands of manhattan
i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in
sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown
death cab for cutie
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in
sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown
death cab for cutie
late night rambling
how do you tell someone you've known you're whole adult life that he is the one you want to come home to every night?
i've had a crush on him for years. probably since we first became friends. on more dramatic days, i would tell you that i've loved him since i first saw him. i don't necessarily think that's true, but a crush...well, i'll own up to that.
i wonder sometimes how my life might be different if i actually found the courage to tell him. would he feel the same way? would it be some fairy tale ending like you see in movies? or would it be the end of a cherished friendship. is the possible bliss worth risking years of friendship?
once, when i shared my little secret with a mutual friend, he responded with utter surprise. he had no idea. this made me question my approach. all of these years i have held myself back, worried that i would flirt too much or get too comfortable and he would discover how i feel and it would ruin what we have. maybe i've held back too much...
or maybe not. maybe there is a reason why i've never really pursued this dream. maybe deep down i know that he doesn't feel the same way. or maybe deep down i know that it wouldn't work, even if he did.
my old friends would tell you that i was quite the bold girl and that i always went for what i wanted. friends today who didn't know me then would tell you that i'm quiet, reserved, polite... what happened over the past 8 years? now, i would never dream of making the first move. the fear of rejection is just too strong.
still, i can't help but wonder "what if"...
and so, tonight, with the thunder quaking and with my windows noisily trembling in fear, i'm sending my soul out into the cosmos and asking my Creator for some sense of a sign. because it's been too long.
it's not like i haven't dated or that i've been sitting around waiting for him to get a clue. i just feel like i need to either go for it, or give it up for good. thoughts?
i've had a crush on him for years. probably since we first became friends. on more dramatic days, i would tell you that i've loved him since i first saw him. i don't necessarily think that's true, but a crush...well, i'll own up to that.
i wonder sometimes how my life might be different if i actually found the courage to tell him. would he feel the same way? would it be some fairy tale ending like you see in movies? or would it be the end of a cherished friendship. is the possible bliss worth risking years of friendship?
once, when i shared my little secret with a mutual friend, he responded with utter surprise. he had no idea. this made me question my approach. all of these years i have held myself back, worried that i would flirt too much or get too comfortable and he would discover how i feel and it would ruin what we have. maybe i've held back too much...
or maybe not. maybe there is a reason why i've never really pursued this dream. maybe deep down i know that he doesn't feel the same way. or maybe deep down i know that it wouldn't work, even if he did.
my old friends would tell you that i was quite the bold girl and that i always went for what i wanted. friends today who didn't know me then would tell you that i'm quiet, reserved, polite... what happened over the past 8 years? now, i would never dream of making the first move. the fear of rejection is just too strong.
still, i can't help but wonder "what if"...
and so, tonight, with the thunder quaking and with my windows noisily trembling in fear, i'm sending my soul out into the cosmos and asking my Creator for some sense of a sign. because it's been too long.
it's not like i haven't dated or that i've been sitting around waiting for him to get a clue. i just feel like i need to either go for it, or give it up for good. thoughts?
Monday, July 20, 2009
missing pieces
ikea delivered my couch this morning. i have waited two long weeks of sitting on the floor in my living room for this furniture to be delivered. although i have been quite patient, i was extremely anxious to rip open the boxes today and begin assembling this new sofa. piece by piece i began joyously pulling it together it before i realized that they had forgotten to deliver one of the boxes. i had a couch and even had cushions, but i did not have any armrests.
and so i sit on my armless couch and silently scream out into the universe: "what is with all of the missing pieces in my life!?"
i love my job. i love the work, i love the students, i love the team i work with. i love everything about it. i love my house, even with all of its many flaws. i even love misenheimer. as much as i love the city, i think i'm a small town girl to the core. i am in a great situation with so much going for me that i feel guilty for not being happy.
but i'm not. happy, that is. i'm not happy.
i'm not necessarily UNhappy. but i'm not happy, either. some thing is missing.
like sitting on my beautiful armless couch, i am living this less than life. i know what the missing piece is. i know what's missing. but just like my arm rests from ikea, it is en route. and i haven't the foggiest clue as to when it will be delivered.
and so i sit on my armless couch and silently scream out into the universe: "what is with all of the missing pieces in my life!?"
i love my job. i love the work, i love the students, i love the team i work with. i love everything about it. i love my house, even with all of its many flaws. i even love misenheimer. as much as i love the city, i think i'm a small town girl to the core. i am in a great situation with so much going for me that i feel guilty for not being happy.
but i'm not. happy, that is. i'm not happy.
i'm not necessarily UNhappy. but i'm not happy, either. some thing is missing.
like sitting on my beautiful armless couch, i am living this less than life. i know what the missing piece is. i know what's missing. but just like my arm rests from ikea, it is en route. and i haven't the foggiest clue as to when it will be delivered.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
from dvr to mug shots
imagine this: you're finishing up a show on dvr when your tv goes back to current tv. it happens to be the news. and suddenly you see the mug shot of a kid you know.
this is what happened for rich just before he called me tonight with the news.
i wanted to refuse to believe the allegations. i couldn't process what i was hearing. i had to see it for myself, so i did what anyone else would do - i googled it. and there it was. i saw the photo, watched the surveillence footage, and read the local news article. i wanted to continue in disbelief, but it appears that the police have some hard evience.
he is still just a child in my mind, but he will most likely be tried as an adult. i can remember so clearly him walking into my office and telling me that he ran the church, haha. he is such a funny kid. and while he was always a bit ornry, even after seeing this news, i cannot doubt his good spirit.
"does hallmark make a card for this?" rich asked as we brainstormed ways to show our support to the family. it was a joke, but seriously - how do you let someone know that you saw their kid on the news and you want them to know that you're there for them? all i can say for now is that i am flooding God's ears with prayers for this young man and his family. what else can i do?
the news anchors and journalists share the report with an air of "eh, it's just more rotten kids doing more rotten stuff" and the people who have commented on the online news reports are going on and on about these good for nothing kids and how the world's going to hell in a hand basket. all of these people are forgetting that these kids have families and communities who love and care for them. they have parents, teachers, preachers, mentors, and even peers who have tried everything to teach them right from wrong, and while i am one of those people for one of these teens, i will not say that we failed. because that would be saying that he is a failure, and he is not.
it's like my mom always used to say, "i may not like what you're doing right now, but i will always love you." 1) "right now" - this is but a bad decision. he can come out of this a stronger man with a new outlook on life. 2) "always" - unconditional love is just that: unconditional.
i believe in this kid. and i truly believe that he can do great things in this world. we (because it truly does take a village to raise a child/adult) can turn this life around.
this is what happened for rich just before he called me tonight with the news.
i wanted to refuse to believe the allegations. i couldn't process what i was hearing. i had to see it for myself, so i did what anyone else would do - i googled it. and there it was. i saw the photo, watched the surveillence footage, and read the local news article. i wanted to continue in disbelief, but it appears that the police have some hard evience.
he is still just a child in my mind, but he will most likely be tried as an adult. i can remember so clearly him walking into my office and telling me that he ran the church, haha. he is such a funny kid. and while he was always a bit ornry, even after seeing this news, i cannot doubt his good spirit.
"does hallmark make a card for this?" rich asked as we brainstormed ways to show our support to the family. it was a joke, but seriously - how do you let someone know that you saw their kid on the news and you want them to know that you're there for them? all i can say for now is that i am flooding God's ears with prayers for this young man and his family. what else can i do?
the news anchors and journalists share the report with an air of "eh, it's just more rotten kids doing more rotten stuff" and the people who have commented on the online news reports are going on and on about these good for nothing kids and how the world's going to hell in a hand basket. all of these people are forgetting that these kids have families and communities who love and care for them. they have parents, teachers, preachers, mentors, and even peers who have tried everything to teach them right from wrong, and while i am one of those people for one of these teens, i will not say that we failed. because that would be saying that he is a failure, and he is not.
it's like my mom always used to say, "i may not like what you're doing right now, but i will always love you." 1) "right now" - this is but a bad decision. he can come out of this a stronger man with a new outlook on life. 2) "always" - unconditional love is just that: unconditional.
i believe in this kid. and i truly believe that he can do great things in this world. we (because it truly does take a village to raise a child/adult) can turn this life around.
Monday, June 29, 2009
the abc's of growing up
"there, there baby.
it's just text book stuff.
it's in the abc's of growing up..."
~ Imogene Heap
in honor of one of my new favorite songs, my abc's of growing up (the 25 yr old edition):
a is for ambition.
it is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.
b is for best friends.
people may come a go out of our lives, but it's pretty amazing to state the claim that my best friends have never left me.
c is for capitalism.
capitalism or consumerism? is there a difference anymore?
d is for doggies.
the older i get the stronger this urge to adopt a dog becomes.
e is for ears.
did you know that your ears get bigger as you get older? it's true. google it.
f is for family.
you're family may not look like what you had imagined when you were a kid, but your family (whether blood or not) is the people who celebrate your victories and mourn your losses by your side.
g is for gadgets.
buy a cell phone or a laptop today and tomorrow it will be outdated.
h is for happy meals.
and not just the mcdonalds kind. good meals with good people and good conversation - this is a truly happy meal.
i is for insurance.
and lots of it. renters insurance, auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance.
j is for joy.
never ever stop searching out the joy in every moment of every day life.
k is for kindred spirits.
the more you see of the world, the more people you will meet who are different than you and the more people you will meet who you just know were destined to be your friend forever.
l is for like, love, and lust.
because it hasn't become easier to distinguish between the three.
m is for mammogram.
squish squash. good times.
n is for newspaper.
it's not just for good for packing fragile items or cleaning windows!
o is for oatmeal.
i don't care how old i get, i still don't like it.
p is for passion.
what would you give your life for?
q is for quiet.
now you understand why mom and dad always yelled at you to turn down the music. sometimes you just crave the quiet.
r is for retinol.
wrinkle reducing AND pore minimizing - the best of both worlds!
s is for secrets.
they just aren't about foolish crushes and petty gossip anymore.
t is for tragedy.
maybe bad things were always happening, but as you grow older you notice the tragedies because the diagnoses, divorces, and deaths are happening to your friends.
u is for umbrella.
you should always be carrying one. which means carrying a handbag big enough to hold one, and the 25 other items you MUST have with you at all times.
v is for vegetables.
glenda was right, you just can't eat enough vegetables in a day.
w is for white hair.
yes, it's true. i am only 25, but i find at least one new white hair on my head every day.
x is for xerox machines.
the bane of my professional existence.
y is for yardwork.
there's something gratifying about cleaning out an overgrown flowerbed and starting over.
z is for zebras.
why not?
it's just text book stuff.
it's in the abc's of growing up..."
~ Imogene Heap
in honor of one of my new favorite songs, my abc's of growing up (the 25 yr old edition):
a is for ambition.
it is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.
b is for best friends.
people may come a go out of our lives, but it's pretty amazing to state the claim that my best friends have never left me.
c is for capitalism.
capitalism or consumerism? is there a difference anymore?
d is for doggies.
the older i get the stronger this urge to adopt a dog becomes.
e is for ears.
did you know that your ears get bigger as you get older? it's true. google it.
f is for family.
you're family may not look like what you had imagined when you were a kid, but your family (whether blood or not) is the people who celebrate your victories and mourn your losses by your side.
g is for gadgets.
buy a cell phone or a laptop today and tomorrow it will be outdated.
h is for happy meals.
and not just the mcdonalds kind. good meals with good people and good conversation - this is a truly happy meal.
i is for insurance.
and lots of it. renters insurance, auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance.
j is for joy.
never ever stop searching out the joy in every moment of every day life.
k is for kindred spirits.
the more you see of the world, the more people you will meet who are different than you and the more people you will meet who you just know were destined to be your friend forever.
l is for like, love, and lust.
because it hasn't become easier to distinguish between the three.
m is for mammogram.
squish squash. good times.
n is for newspaper.
it's not just for good for packing fragile items or cleaning windows!
o is for oatmeal.
i don't care how old i get, i still don't like it.
p is for passion.
what would you give your life for?
q is for quiet.
now you understand why mom and dad always yelled at you to turn down the music. sometimes you just crave the quiet.
r is for retinol.
wrinkle reducing AND pore minimizing - the best of both worlds!
s is for secrets.
they just aren't about foolish crushes and petty gossip anymore.
t is for tragedy.
maybe bad things were always happening, but as you grow older you notice the tragedies because the diagnoses, divorces, and deaths are happening to your friends.
u is for umbrella.
you should always be carrying one. which means carrying a handbag big enough to hold one, and the 25 other items you MUST have with you at all times.
v is for vegetables.
glenda was right, you just can't eat enough vegetables in a day.
w is for white hair.
yes, it's true. i am only 25, but i find at least one new white hair on my head every day.
x is for xerox machines.
the bane of my professional existence.
y is for yardwork.
there's something gratifying about cleaning out an overgrown flowerbed and starting over.
z is for zebras.
why not?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
haunted
he was in my dream last night. it's been a year and half and i have never dreamt about it, but there he was.
he was smiling.
i still have a picture of us together. smiling.
i keep the picture, in spite of it all. i don't look at it often, but i can't delete it. it reminds me that no matter how well you think you know someone, in a moment they may completely betray your naive trust. no matter how innocent the smile, you just don't know what is going on behind it.
i talked about him yesterday. maybe that's what triggered the dream. although, i've talked about it many times before. why this time?
i don't remember anything about the dream except his smile. his haunting smile.
i don't remember most of that new year's night. still. some people make them selves sick trying to remember. i just want to forget.
i just want to forget.
will i ever forget?
he was smiling.
i still have a picture of us together. smiling.
i keep the picture, in spite of it all. i don't look at it often, but i can't delete it. it reminds me that no matter how well you think you know someone, in a moment they may completely betray your naive trust. no matter how innocent the smile, you just don't know what is going on behind it.
i talked about him yesterday. maybe that's what triggered the dream. although, i've talked about it many times before. why this time?
i don't remember anything about the dream except his smile. his haunting smile.
i don't remember most of that new year's night. still. some people make them selves sick trying to remember. i just want to forget.
i just want to forget.
will i ever forget?
Saturday, June 13, 2009
moving forward
he came upon me so quickly that i didn't have time to calculate my response. suddenly, i heard his voice bellowing from over my shoulder. i couldn't even look at him. i made an honest attempt to appear as normal as possible, excused myself from the conversation and walked away without looking back.
people tell me i ought to be over it by now, but i don't know that i will ever be "over it". as natalie maines sings, "forgive? sounds good. forget? i'm not sure i could. they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting..."
it's been two years. and in these two years i have come a long way. i no longer hate him. and boy did i hate him. i know it is a strong word, but two years ago i would have told you that i hated that man for ruining my life, for ruining my career, and for ruining my faith. he may have left me a little bruised and beaten, but now two years later, i can say that i have forgiven him and i have moved forward with my life.
seeing him again was a dark reminder that while i continue to move foward, i have a long way to go before i am completely healed. while my initial faith in other people has returned, a totality of trust has not. although the acceptance of my calling has returned, an assured confidence in it still falters. and however little i may think of him these days, when i am face to face with him again i can't help but tremble in fear and burn up in anger all over again. i cannot force myself to look at him and words are impossible to find.
how can i say that i've forgiven someone but still have such a reaction when i merely hear his voice? some say that you must forget in order to truly forgive. others tell you that true forgiveness mends the broken relationship. i think that both theories are crap. how do you tell a jewish man who suffered through the holocaust that he must forget what he went through? how do you tell a battered wife that in order to forgive her husband she has to endure the abuse and mend their relationship? in theory, these forgiveness policies sound great and noble, but when played out in reality they simply sound ridiculous.
forgiveness isn't about the other person. it's about you. it's about cleansing your soul of the viral bitterness that hatred causes when not properly treated. it's about forgiving others as God has forgiven me. it's about asking God for forgiveness of the part i played in the ultimate downfall. it's about moving forward.
people tell me i ought to be over it by now, but i don't know that i will ever be "over it". as natalie maines sings, "forgive? sounds good. forget? i'm not sure i could. they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting..."
it's been two years. and in these two years i have come a long way. i no longer hate him. and boy did i hate him. i know it is a strong word, but two years ago i would have told you that i hated that man for ruining my life, for ruining my career, and for ruining my faith. he may have left me a little bruised and beaten, but now two years later, i can say that i have forgiven him and i have moved forward with my life.
seeing him again was a dark reminder that while i continue to move foward, i have a long way to go before i am completely healed. while my initial faith in other people has returned, a totality of trust has not. although the acceptance of my calling has returned, an assured confidence in it still falters. and however little i may think of him these days, when i am face to face with him again i can't help but tremble in fear and burn up in anger all over again. i cannot force myself to look at him and words are impossible to find.
how can i say that i've forgiven someone but still have such a reaction when i merely hear his voice? some say that you must forget in order to truly forgive. others tell you that true forgiveness mends the broken relationship. i think that both theories are crap. how do you tell a jewish man who suffered through the holocaust that he must forget what he went through? how do you tell a battered wife that in order to forgive her husband she has to endure the abuse and mend their relationship? in theory, these forgiveness policies sound great and noble, but when played out in reality they simply sound ridiculous.
forgiveness isn't about the other person. it's about you. it's about cleansing your soul of the viral bitterness that hatred causes when not properly treated. it's about forgiving others as God has forgiven me. it's about asking God for forgiveness of the part i played in the ultimate downfall. it's about moving forward.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
picking petals
"but what do you WANT this to mean?" she said so simply.
i had asked katie to help me analyze a message i had received. i wanted to help me decode his words and figure out what he wanted from me. a friendship? a relationship? nothing?
the reality, though, is that his meaning is not really what matters here. regardless of his intentions for wanting to see me, the real question surrounds what i want it to mean. i can't control his idea of what we are or what he would want us to be. i can barely control my own. his answer to the question matters only after i answer this question for myself.
the bottom line is that before i allow myself to fall any deeper into this situation, i need to figure out just what i'm looking for here. i need to weigh my options and make a conscious decision as to whether or not he's worth it. maybe he is, but maybe he's not...
i had asked katie to help me analyze a message i had received. i wanted to help me decode his words and figure out what he wanted from me. a friendship? a relationship? nothing?
the reality, though, is that his meaning is not really what matters here. regardless of his intentions for wanting to see me, the real question surrounds what i want it to mean. i can't control his idea of what we are or what he would want us to be. i can barely control my own. his answer to the question matters only after i answer this question for myself.
the bottom line is that before i allow myself to fall any deeper into this situation, i need to figure out just what i'm looking for here. i need to weigh my options and make a conscious decision as to whether or not he's worth it. maybe he is, but maybe he's not...
Friday, June 5, 2009
one decision at a time
"you change your life one decision at a time"
everyone in the office has made the decision to get healthy this summer. we are holding each other accountable and are spending our lunches together, ironically, in the wellness center conference room. we have set total weight loss goals, added new exercise routines, made dietary alterations, or taken vitamins more seriously. every day at lunch, we talk about how we're doing and motivate each other to keep up the hard work.
something tim said the other day has really stuck with me. originally, i had set a weight loss goal and made exercise and dietary plans accordingly. then tim said, "havaleh, someone once told me that it's not about the end goal or the targets we set. you change your life one decision at a time."
this has been my mantra for the past several weeks. one decision at a time, i will change my lifestyle and become a healthier individual. i woke up saturday morning and didn't feel like doing anything, but i went for a hike anyway. i reached into that candy dish at work, but my hand escaped empty. i could have driven across campus for that meeting today, but i walked instead.
every moment of every day we make decision after decision. we decide to get out of bed in the morning, decide whether or not we will go to work, decide what we eat, how active or lazy we want to be, how to spend our money... the list goes on forever.
we change our lives on decision at a time. sure, goals are important because they offer some self-motivation. but ultimately, a goal doesn't make you lose weight. a goal doesn't do your grocery shopping. a goal doesn't make you take your pills every day. a goal doesn't get you to bed a decent hour. decisions do.
and so, one decision at a time, i am changing my life...
everyone in the office has made the decision to get healthy this summer. we are holding each other accountable and are spending our lunches together, ironically, in the wellness center conference room. we have set total weight loss goals, added new exercise routines, made dietary alterations, or taken vitamins more seriously. every day at lunch, we talk about how we're doing and motivate each other to keep up the hard work.
something tim said the other day has really stuck with me. originally, i had set a weight loss goal and made exercise and dietary plans accordingly. then tim said, "havaleh, someone once told me that it's not about the end goal or the targets we set. you change your life one decision at a time."
this has been my mantra for the past several weeks. one decision at a time, i will change my lifestyle and become a healthier individual. i woke up saturday morning and didn't feel like doing anything, but i went for a hike anyway. i reached into that candy dish at work, but my hand escaped empty. i could have driven across campus for that meeting today, but i walked instead.
every moment of every day we make decision after decision. we decide to get out of bed in the morning, decide whether or not we will go to work, decide what we eat, how active or lazy we want to be, how to spend our money... the list goes on forever.
we change our lives on decision at a time. sure, goals are important because they offer some self-motivation. but ultimately, a goal doesn't make you lose weight. a goal doesn't do your grocery shopping. a goal doesn't make you take your pills every day. a goal doesn't get you to bed a decent hour. decisions do.
and so, one decision at a time, i am changing my life...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
undiscovered
"i'm not lost. no, no... just undiscovered."
~ james morrison
i am rediscovering james morrison and his incredible music. his deeply emotional vocals and relatable lyrics haunt my soul these days. his songs are the soundtrack to my dreams each night.
this is one of my favorite songs of his - undiscovered. i can't help but hear some of sting between the lines...
"i'm sending an s.o.s. to the world.
i hope someone gets my message in a bottle.
walked out this morning, don't believe what i saw:
hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.
seems i'm not alone at being alone.
hundred billion castaways looking for a home..."
~ james morrison
i am rediscovering james morrison and his incredible music. his deeply emotional vocals and relatable lyrics haunt my soul these days. his songs are the soundtrack to my dreams each night.
this is one of my favorite songs of his - undiscovered. i can't help but hear some of sting between the lines...
"i'm sending an s.o.s. to the world.
i hope someone gets my message in a bottle.
walked out this morning, don't believe what i saw:
hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.
seems i'm not alone at being alone.
hundred billion castaways looking for a home..."
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
a heart full of gratitude
"you touched my life, and i thought you should know"
such simple words. how often do we tell the people who have inspired us just how much they mean to us?
i don't do it often enough at all. as i told patrick tonight, i am not good with goodbyes. i'm even worse at telling people just how much they mean to me. i'm awkward and i'm a cynic and a skeptic and a goof to boot. i'm just not good at mushy situations.
i once had a boyfriend who would ask me dance at the end of movies. we'd be curled up on the couch and as soon as music cued the credits he would stand up, offer out his hand, and ask me to dance. most girls would melt in this moment. i cringed. here i was, in the middle of a chick flick moment and all i could think of was how funny it would look to someone passing by. (who would be passing by my living room?!)
i'm wierd, what can i say.
so when i received this phone call today, i was shocked and downright uncomfortable. i hadn't seen or talked to this person for six years or so, but he called to thank me for being a friend to him when he was going through a tough time.
talk about your heart skipping a beat...
what an incredible gesture. in those moments on the phone, he was teaching me a lesson in being humble and in truly showing appreciation for those who have made you a better person. he has such courage to pick up the phone and call people out of the blue to offer a few words of gratitude. do i have that kind of courage? do you?
i wonder if he knew just how much he was allowing God to use him in that conversation...
in the spirit of such an incredible young man, i want to offer thanks to the following:
to my mother and father: for supporting me in every crazy endeavor 100%
to my neice: for inspiring me to be me, no matter how silly i look
to heather: for challenging me to become to woman God has made me to be
to katie: for brutal honesty and asking the questions i won't ask myself
to andrew: for loving me despite everything
to the boys: for sticking with me through all of these years and reminding me where home will always be
to mike: for teaching me that i deserve someone no less than wonderful
to adriane: for always being a shoulder to cry on
to ashley: for standing beside me and holding me up
to the char-latte crew: for opening my eyes to all the possibilities of life
to the hinkle family (chandra, derek, syndey, hunter): for accepting me into your family and never letting me feel alone
to carl and cindy: for showing me what true love looks like
to missionary george: for teaching me to recognize just how rich i am and the importance of being in ministry with those who are not
to ruth: for introducing me to the idea of ministry in the first place
to angela gay: for forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone time and time again
to brooke: for being the big sister i always wanted
to gloria: for teaching me how to find joy in every moment
to chris: for believing in my calling when i sometimes forget
to haley: for encouraging my musing and entertaining my dreams
to amber: for being such a vibrant light in my life
to kelly: for teaching me about unconditional love
to sean: for never letting me forget not to take life too seriously
to my pfeiffer pfamily: for welcoming me into your arms and rebuilding my faith in others
to my fellow refugees: for supporting me through one of the most difficult decisions of my life
to my students: for inspiring me daily through your own ministry, whether you'd call it that or not
such simple words. how often do we tell the people who have inspired us just how much they mean to us?
i don't do it often enough at all. as i told patrick tonight, i am not good with goodbyes. i'm even worse at telling people just how much they mean to me. i'm awkward and i'm a cynic and a skeptic and a goof to boot. i'm just not good at mushy situations.
i once had a boyfriend who would ask me dance at the end of movies. we'd be curled up on the couch and as soon as music cued the credits he would stand up, offer out his hand, and ask me to dance. most girls would melt in this moment. i cringed. here i was, in the middle of a chick flick moment and all i could think of was how funny it would look to someone passing by. (who would be passing by my living room?!)
i'm wierd, what can i say.
so when i received this phone call today, i was shocked and downright uncomfortable. i hadn't seen or talked to this person for six years or so, but he called to thank me for being a friend to him when he was going through a tough time.
talk about your heart skipping a beat...
what an incredible gesture. in those moments on the phone, he was teaching me a lesson in being humble and in truly showing appreciation for those who have made you a better person. he has such courage to pick up the phone and call people out of the blue to offer a few words of gratitude. do i have that kind of courage? do you?
i wonder if he knew just how much he was allowing God to use him in that conversation...
in the spirit of such an incredible young man, i want to offer thanks to the following:
to my mother and father: for supporting me in every crazy endeavor 100%
to my neice: for inspiring me to be me, no matter how silly i look
to heather: for challenging me to become to woman God has made me to be
to katie: for brutal honesty and asking the questions i won't ask myself
to andrew: for loving me despite everything
to the boys: for sticking with me through all of these years and reminding me where home will always be
to mike: for teaching me that i deserve someone no less than wonderful
to adriane: for always being a shoulder to cry on
to ashley: for standing beside me and holding me up
to the char-latte crew: for opening my eyes to all the possibilities of life
to the hinkle family (chandra, derek, syndey, hunter): for accepting me into your family and never letting me feel alone
to carl and cindy: for showing me what true love looks like
to missionary george: for teaching me to recognize just how rich i am and the importance of being in ministry with those who are not
to ruth: for introducing me to the idea of ministry in the first place
to angela gay: for forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone time and time again
to brooke: for being the big sister i always wanted
to gloria: for teaching me how to find joy in every moment
to chris: for believing in my calling when i sometimes forget
to haley: for encouraging my musing and entertaining my dreams
to amber: for being such a vibrant light in my life
to kelly: for teaching me about unconditional love
to sean: for never letting me forget not to take life too seriously
to my pfeiffer pfamily: for welcoming me into your arms and rebuilding my faith in others
to my fellow refugees: for supporting me through one of the most difficult decisions of my life
to my students: for inspiring me daily through your own ministry, whether you'd call it that or not
three dog night, i mean morning
we rounded the bend in the road and, if we had not stopped in time, nearly hit three little puppies sniffing something in the middle of the road. we sat in stunned silence for a few seconds before katy and i jumped out of the car and called for the puppies. we scooped them up and got back in the car.
what were we doing?
what were we going to do with these puppies?
we couldn't go back to misenheimer to feed them and give them a place to play while we made up our minds. we would miss katie's appointment at the surgery center and there was no way she was missing this surgery. so we drove on, continuting our journey toward charlotte...
how would we orchestrate katie's surgery and taking care of these dogs?
katie and i went into the surgery center to check her in and find out about nearby vets. katy stayed in the car with the sleeping pups.
suddenly, i realize that i know of a 24 hour animal hospital nearby. i relieve katy of her puppy duties. she goes inside to be with katie, and i take the puppies to the hospital. the puppies just sleep in the back seat as i navigate through the city.
i pulled into the parking lot and reached in the back to pick up the puppies. they fought me. i couldn't help but wonder if this was too similar to the last experience they had in a car. they were surely dumped on the side of the road by someone less human to actually act decently and find new homes for these puppies if they themselves did not want them or could no longer care for them.
again, i fight the urge to adopt all three, and i take them inside where the vet immediately takes them in her arms and loves on them. she will clean them up, check them over, and find them good homes.
tonight, over 36 hours later, i am still thinking about these puppies and wondering if God put them in our path that morning. three young ladies about to live on their own; three loving puppies needing good homes?
eh, i would not be a good mom to a puppy just yet.
1) don't have the money
2) don't have a fenced yard that they could play in
3) i live on a highway with active railroad tracks going through my front yard
4) i have a very dominant cat
5) i'm just not home consistently enough
all i can do is pray that each of those puppies finds a loving home and a family who will take care of them the way they deserve...
what were we doing?
what were we going to do with these puppies?
we couldn't go back to misenheimer to feed them and give them a place to play while we made up our minds. we would miss katie's appointment at the surgery center and there was no way she was missing this surgery. so we drove on, continuting our journey toward charlotte...
how would we orchestrate katie's surgery and taking care of these dogs?
katie and i went into the surgery center to check her in and find out about nearby vets. katy stayed in the car with the sleeping pups.
suddenly, i realize that i know of a 24 hour animal hospital nearby. i relieve katy of her puppy duties. she goes inside to be with katie, and i take the puppies to the hospital. the puppies just sleep in the back seat as i navigate through the city.
i pulled into the parking lot and reached in the back to pick up the puppies. they fought me. i couldn't help but wonder if this was too similar to the last experience they had in a car. they were surely dumped on the side of the road by someone less human to actually act decently and find new homes for these puppies if they themselves did not want them or could no longer care for them.
again, i fight the urge to adopt all three, and i take them inside where the vet immediately takes them in her arms and loves on them. she will clean them up, check them over, and find them good homes.
tonight, over 36 hours later, i am still thinking about these puppies and wondering if God put them in our path that morning. three young ladies about to live on their own; three loving puppies needing good homes?
eh, i would not be a good mom to a puppy just yet.
1) don't have the money
2) don't have a fenced yard that they could play in
3) i live on a highway with active railroad tracks going through my front yard
4) i have a very dominant cat
5) i'm just not home consistently enough
all i can do is pray that each of those puppies finds a loving home and a family who will take care of them the way they deserve...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
making a map of loneliness
"when i get lonely these days, i think: so be lonely, liz. learn your way around loneliness. make a map of it. sit with it, for once in your life. welcome to the human experience. but never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." ~ eat, pray, love p. 65
curled up on the couch with a book, it was only a matter of time before the silence of this house sang me to sleep. the next thing i knew, two hours had passed and i was opening my eyes to the hope of a new reality. unfortunately, what i awoke to was the same quiet loneliness that rocked me to sleep one hundred and twenty minutes earlier.
i guess this is what living alone feels like sometimes... i have kept myself fairly busy thus far: cleaning every inch of the house and reorganizing every closet. however, i came home from work today and there was nothing more i could do. all the work was done. all i could do was relax. what i wanted to do was call some friends and invite them over for a game night or at least a glass of wine and some laughs. unfortunately, i live in the middle of no where and my friends need a little more notice than a spur of the moment phone call.
so i set up shop on the couch with three different books: one for fun, one for Bible study, and one for grad school. i thought by having so many options i would fight the boredom (i'm not much of a reader). i did not succeed...
i am embracing loneliness. there are certain phone calls that i could make that would make me feel a little less lonely for a while, but that's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. no wonder he gets so confused - he calls and calls for months with nothing from me but the occasional "please don't call me anymore" or "i'm not interested", but then he catches me on a night like this and i succumb to the beautiful idea of love and i answer the call. i play along with his antics and pretend like we're a couple again. i laugh at his jokes and i inquire about his day. we theorize about seeing each other soon and make tentative plans to do so. for those moments, it feels worth it.
but then i hang up. then i start to remember all of the reasons why it has never worked and why it never will. then i regret answering the call in the first place and think of the lie i will tell to get out of the date we just planned. then i wonder how many months it will take THIS time to convince him that we're not going to happen.
i put myself through a lot of unnecessary stress. the reality is that my loneliness will subside whether i answer that phone call or not. it's only a feeling and it passes more quickly than the residual guilt of my other option.
i was going to stop here. but just as i typed that last word a couple hours ago, a knock rattled at my door. four of my students decided to drop by. we ended up playing scene it until midnight. have i mentioned lately just how much i love my job and the students i work with? because i do. immensely.
so what if i live in the middle of no where?
so what if my friends live hours away?
i am still in the midst of community
and i need to embrace this...
curled up on the couch with a book, it was only a matter of time before the silence of this house sang me to sleep. the next thing i knew, two hours had passed and i was opening my eyes to the hope of a new reality. unfortunately, what i awoke to was the same quiet loneliness that rocked me to sleep one hundred and twenty minutes earlier.
i guess this is what living alone feels like sometimes... i have kept myself fairly busy thus far: cleaning every inch of the house and reorganizing every closet. however, i came home from work today and there was nothing more i could do. all the work was done. all i could do was relax. what i wanted to do was call some friends and invite them over for a game night or at least a glass of wine and some laughs. unfortunately, i live in the middle of no where and my friends need a little more notice than a spur of the moment phone call.
so i set up shop on the couch with three different books: one for fun, one for Bible study, and one for grad school. i thought by having so many options i would fight the boredom (i'm not much of a reader). i did not succeed...
i am embracing loneliness. there are certain phone calls that i could make that would make me feel a little less lonely for a while, but that's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. no wonder he gets so confused - he calls and calls for months with nothing from me but the occasional "please don't call me anymore" or "i'm not interested", but then he catches me on a night like this and i succumb to the beautiful idea of love and i answer the call. i play along with his antics and pretend like we're a couple again. i laugh at his jokes and i inquire about his day. we theorize about seeing each other soon and make tentative plans to do so. for those moments, it feels worth it.
but then i hang up. then i start to remember all of the reasons why it has never worked and why it never will. then i regret answering the call in the first place and think of the lie i will tell to get out of the date we just planned. then i wonder how many months it will take THIS time to convince him that we're not going to happen.
i put myself through a lot of unnecessary stress. the reality is that my loneliness will subside whether i answer that phone call or not. it's only a feeling and it passes more quickly than the residual guilt of my other option.
i was going to stop here. but just as i typed that last word a couple hours ago, a knock rattled at my door. four of my students decided to drop by. we ended up playing scene it until midnight. have i mentioned lately just how much i love my job and the students i work with? because i do. immensely.
so what if i live in the middle of no where?
so what if my friends live hours away?
i am still in the midst of community
and i need to embrace this...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the scheduled long distance dissappearance
why do we do this? i think it needs to stop.
we see each other. we have fun. we pretend like we’re going to do better at staying in touch. mostly to justify our actions, and prove that we’re not just using each other like pawns in this twisted game of life. to prove that perhaps i’m not as ‘predictable’ as you think. to prove that there are true feelings involved, although if there were then wouldn’t we do better at keeping up the friendship when i come back to nc and we’re hundreds of miles apart again?
but it’s the same every time… we promise to do better. we talk often for a couple weeks, but then it dies down. a week goes by. then two. next thing we know it’s been five months and i’m headed back to ohio, peaking your interest once more, and thus begins yet another turn of this undeniable cycle.
if i’m completely honest with myself, i miss you those months that you disappear. i miss the challenging conversations and the comforting silences. i cut myself today and nearly needed stitches. it was you that i wanted to call after the nurse bandaged me up. i read something that stirred up all kinds of questions in my head, and it is you that i want to discuss it with. i think about you once every day, but i know it will fade. this longing always does…
because the truth is that we both know that it would never work. despite the pull, we live two very different lives. in my head, i know this. in my heart right now, however, i’m still coming down from the last juncture…
we see each other. we have fun. we pretend like we’re going to do better at staying in touch. mostly to justify our actions, and prove that we’re not just using each other like pawns in this twisted game of life. to prove that perhaps i’m not as ‘predictable’ as you think. to prove that there are true feelings involved, although if there were then wouldn’t we do better at keeping up the friendship when i come back to nc and we’re hundreds of miles apart again?
but it’s the same every time… we promise to do better. we talk often for a couple weeks, but then it dies down. a week goes by. then two. next thing we know it’s been five months and i’m headed back to ohio, peaking your interest once more, and thus begins yet another turn of this undeniable cycle.
if i’m completely honest with myself, i miss you those months that you disappear. i miss the challenging conversations and the comforting silences. i cut myself today and nearly needed stitches. it was you that i wanted to call after the nurse bandaged me up. i read something that stirred up all kinds of questions in my head, and it is you that i want to discuss it with. i think about you once every day, but i know it will fade. this longing always does…
because the truth is that we both know that it would never work. despite the pull, we live two very different lives. in my head, i know this. in my heart right now, however, i’m still coming down from the last juncture…
Monday, May 18, 2009
progress report
i was thinking today about my hopes for 2009. at the beginning of the year i vowed to make this a year of celebration, a year of forward-motion, and a year of renewed hope. i was thinking about this pledge, and i began to wonder: how was i doing so far? we are now over one third of the way through the year, so i ought to be seeing some progress...
journal entry from january 1, 2009:
darlin', darlin'
so it's been a long year
every new day brings one more tear
till there's nothing left to cry
my, my how time flies
like little children hiding their eyes
we'll make it disappear
let's start a brand new year
darlin' the snow is falling
falling like forgiveness from the sky
if i could have anything
what would i want this new year to bring
well, i'd want you here with me
tear these thorns from my heart
help the healing to start
let's set this old world free
let's start with you and me
selections from "darlin" by over the rhine
i have been praying for snow the entire three weeks that i have been back in ohio. it never snows in north carolina, so i was looking forward to seeing that blanket of white again. mother earth took her time granting my request. as i woke up yesterday i found snow falling from the sky in graceful dancing flurries that hit the ground and disappeared almost immediately. i couldn't help but smile and feel the start of something new in my life. falling like forgiveness from the sky, i felt God's grace pour over me and promise me a new year with a new joy.
i remember that i could not wait for 2007 to be over. january 1st could not come fast enough. i had lost my faith in the local church, quit a job that i loved, was in a horrible car accident, and had no clue where my life was headed. i just knew that 2008 had to be better.
it was and it wasn't. i struggled with my health for the better part of the year and lost a life in charlotte that i cherished. i worried about job security far too many times to count, waiting on grant funding to come through then the anxiety around million dollar budget cuts.
so as i set my eyes on 2009, i find a blissful new outlook on life. as friends prepared for our new years eve celebrations, there were moments of frustration and stress: tights snagged, late-running dinners, etc. these moments could have ruined the joy of the night. as pathetic as it is, i often let little things ruin my entire attitude. however, this night i kept reminding myself that i had too much to be joyful about to get stressed out over the little set-backs.
this is my new attitude. and it is much needed and long overdue. i have a roof over my head and food on my table - why should i worry about my so-called financial woes? am i starving? am i without a home? no. so i have nothing to stress about. sure, i have bills that are often more than i can manage, but what progress will fretting over them achieve? why should i worry about taking so long to finish my masters? i am blessed to even be working on it. so what if it takes me a few years longer than the average joe? i can't speed up the process without completely over-working myself, so why stress over something i can't change?
i could add far too many situations to the list of things i have stressed over this past year. i'm done.
the word 'resolution' in the music world refers to the need for a note or chord to move from dissonance to consonance, sometimes meaning from a deceptive to an authentic cadence. we make the word mean a commitment made at the new year, of which only 12% of people actually succeed. the word loses such depth.
i'm not making any resolutions this year. my life has been one of dissonance, and i want an authentic life. i'm craving resolution...
so where am i now, nearly five months later? i feel as though i am definitely moving forward in the right direction. i am making the most of every moment and enjoying the little things in life like the breeze in the air as it sweeps through the house, the taste of ice cold water as it hits my tongue, or the joy in a friends' eye as she realizes that she is in love. i am watching less television and reading more, sitting less and walking more, procrastinating less and engaging more in the every day life.
i am far from perfect, and i still stress out occasionally. what can i say? i'm a spaz at heart! i am, however, making strides in living a life worth living. i am greeting opportunity with a smile and dropping drama as quickly as it sneaks up on me.
please accept this invitation to join me in the pursuit of an authentic life. it's a pretty fabulous way to live...
journal entry from january 1, 2009:
darlin', darlin'
so it's been a long year
every new day brings one more tear
till there's nothing left to cry
my, my how time flies
like little children hiding their eyes
we'll make it disappear
let's start a brand new year
darlin' the snow is falling
falling like forgiveness from the sky
if i could have anything
what would i want this new year to bring
well, i'd want you here with me
tear these thorns from my heart
help the healing to start
let's set this old world free
let's start with you and me
selections from "darlin" by over the rhine
i have been praying for snow the entire three weeks that i have been back in ohio. it never snows in north carolina, so i was looking forward to seeing that blanket of white again. mother earth took her time granting my request. as i woke up yesterday i found snow falling from the sky in graceful dancing flurries that hit the ground and disappeared almost immediately. i couldn't help but smile and feel the start of something new in my life. falling like forgiveness from the sky, i felt God's grace pour over me and promise me a new year with a new joy.
i remember that i could not wait for 2007 to be over. january 1st could not come fast enough. i had lost my faith in the local church, quit a job that i loved, was in a horrible car accident, and had no clue where my life was headed. i just knew that 2008 had to be better.
it was and it wasn't. i struggled with my health for the better part of the year and lost a life in charlotte that i cherished. i worried about job security far too many times to count, waiting on grant funding to come through then the anxiety around million dollar budget cuts.
so as i set my eyes on 2009, i find a blissful new outlook on life. as friends prepared for our new years eve celebrations, there were moments of frustration and stress: tights snagged, late-running dinners, etc. these moments could have ruined the joy of the night. as pathetic as it is, i often let little things ruin my entire attitude. however, this night i kept reminding myself that i had too much to be joyful about to get stressed out over the little set-backs.
this is my new attitude. and it is much needed and long overdue. i have a roof over my head and food on my table - why should i worry about my so-called financial woes? am i starving? am i without a home? no. so i have nothing to stress about. sure, i have bills that are often more than i can manage, but what progress will fretting over them achieve? why should i worry about taking so long to finish my masters? i am blessed to even be working on it. so what if it takes me a few years longer than the average joe? i can't speed up the process without completely over-working myself, so why stress over something i can't change?
i could add far too many situations to the list of things i have stressed over this past year. i'm done.
the word 'resolution' in the music world refers to the need for a note or chord to move from dissonance to consonance, sometimes meaning from a deceptive to an authentic cadence. we make the word mean a commitment made at the new year, of which only 12% of people actually succeed. the word loses such depth.
i'm not making any resolutions this year. my life has been one of dissonance, and i want an authentic life. i'm craving resolution...
so where am i now, nearly five months later? i feel as though i am definitely moving forward in the right direction. i am making the most of every moment and enjoying the little things in life like the breeze in the air as it sweeps through the house, the taste of ice cold water as it hits my tongue, or the joy in a friends' eye as she realizes that she is in love. i am watching less television and reading more, sitting less and walking more, procrastinating less and engaging more in the every day life.
i am far from perfect, and i still stress out occasionally. what can i say? i'm a spaz at heart! i am, however, making strides in living a life worth living. i am greeting opportunity with a smile and dropping drama as quickly as it sneaks up on me.
please accept this invitation to join me in the pursuit of an authentic life. it's a pretty fabulous way to live...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
nascar for dummies
a simple guide to the 10 things every person should know to prepare themselves for a nascar experience:
1) dress as trashy as possible. this is the only way to be truly accepted by the crowd. men: don't even bother wearing a shirt, unless you plan on taking it off and using it as a flag as the cars race by. women: cowboy boots and camo ball caps are a must.
i apologize for the bad quality! an additional note for men:you can only go shirtless if you are super scrawny or have a huge beer gut.
2) you must wear a hat of some kind because when your car of choice is in front of you it is a general rule that you must take off said hat and whip it around in circles in front of you, communicating to the driver that they a) need to go faster to pass the next car or b) need to go faster to keep their lead. this is exactly the motivation/coaching the driver needs and he will absolutely be paying attention for you in the stands to give him this signal.
the man/boy in the white shirt here was very hard to figure out:he seemed young, but had a full thick mustache, dipped, and drank the champagne of beers. he did, however, have the hat waving down to a science. he also perfected the art of pointing to your car as it went around the track.
3) tobacco is a must. several men dipping. thousands of others were smoking. apparently it's cool in nascar country to be entirely unhealthy.
4) forget any laws against forced prayer! a preacher opens the race with a prayer to "our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" for a blessing of the drivers as they "push it to the edge" and let's not forget the obligatory blessing "for our troops who continue to give us our freedom to race" with a lot of "amen" and "hell yes" yelled out by the crowd. (did i stumble into the shooting of a talladega nights sequel?)
5) God bless america is sung before the national anthem. by a lou bega look-a-like.
6) fireworks. lots and lots of fireworks. just for the heck of it.
7) open container laws have no credibility in nascar country. you can walk from your tailgating in the parking lot down the street to the track and none of the twenty policemen you pass will stop you to even ask for ID.
8) you can take in huge coolers of food and beverages into the track.
9) however, you canNOT bring in any umbrellas. they don't care if you bring in anything else, but don't you dare try to keep yourself dry during the rain!
10) the men's line will always be twenty people deep. surprisingly, you can walk right into the women's restroom without waiting. this may be the only place in the world where this kind of dynamic exists.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
my secret drawer
countless. that's how many times i have silently pulled open a single kitchen drawer and smiled ever so small.
yesterday, upon returning home from a trip to ohio, i unpacked some of the items i have stored in my parents' attic over the past year. in a few short months my beautiful roommate will be leaving our lovely little home to pursue a doctorate in denver, colorado. for the first time in my life i will live alone. i have been somewhat nervous about this new chapter in my life for several reasons, none of which are worth mentioning here, but as i unpacked my silverware and dishes that have never been used a rush of excitement filled my soul.
i unpacked box after box of silverware, cookware, glassware, and dishes (oh my!) i began to see a new start on the horizon. i carefully cleaned each item in the sink and placed them on the drying rack. (i did this in four loads, as our sink is small and my boxes were quite large.) as things began to dry, however, i realized that i had no where to put them. katie's things still filled the drawers and cupboards.
i don't want katie to feel as though i'm pushing her out, unwanted, because i truly am heartbroken that such a dear friend is leaving me after so short a period of time together. i will sincerely miss this person who has come to be my complete confidant and friend over the past two years. i couldn't begin to pack up her things or move them from their purposeful places just yet.
we have one drawer, however, that is somewhat of an extra space in the kitchen. it is a wide drawer and we just keep all of the lids to our tupperware in it. katie wouldn't mind if i moved those...
i pulled the lids out of the drawer and neatly stacked them at the corner of the countertop. then began the organization process that i love so much. (seriously, i could clean and organize every day of my life!) my cutlery drawer divider fit perfectly in the oversized drawer. i gently placed each piece of silverware in its proper division and filled the extra spaces with other kitchen tools and gadgets. before i knew it, the drawer was complete.
all of my kitchen utensils fit perfectly into this one perfect oversized drawer. this drawer is my reminder now that a new life awaits me. i find myself walking into the kitchen for no other reason but to quietly pull open the drawer and gaze my small, but significant new chapter of life.
yesterday, upon returning home from a trip to ohio, i unpacked some of the items i have stored in my parents' attic over the past year. in a few short months my beautiful roommate will be leaving our lovely little home to pursue a doctorate in denver, colorado. for the first time in my life i will live alone. i have been somewhat nervous about this new chapter in my life for several reasons, none of which are worth mentioning here, but as i unpacked my silverware and dishes that have never been used a rush of excitement filled my soul.
i unpacked box after box of silverware, cookware, glassware, and dishes (oh my!) i began to see a new start on the horizon. i carefully cleaned each item in the sink and placed them on the drying rack. (i did this in four loads, as our sink is small and my boxes were quite large.) as things began to dry, however, i realized that i had no where to put them. katie's things still filled the drawers and cupboards.
i don't want katie to feel as though i'm pushing her out, unwanted, because i truly am heartbroken that such a dear friend is leaving me after so short a period of time together. i will sincerely miss this person who has come to be my complete confidant and friend over the past two years. i couldn't begin to pack up her things or move them from their purposeful places just yet.
we have one drawer, however, that is somewhat of an extra space in the kitchen. it is a wide drawer and we just keep all of the lids to our tupperware in it. katie wouldn't mind if i moved those...
i pulled the lids out of the drawer and neatly stacked them at the corner of the countertop. then began the organization process that i love so much. (seriously, i could clean and organize every day of my life!) my cutlery drawer divider fit perfectly in the oversized drawer. i gently placed each piece of silverware in its proper division and filled the extra spaces with other kitchen tools and gadgets. before i knew it, the drawer was complete.
all of my kitchen utensils fit perfectly into this one perfect oversized drawer. this drawer is my reminder now that a new life awaits me. i find myself walking into the kitchen for no other reason but to quietly pull open the drawer and gaze my small, but significant new chapter of life.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
nobody number one
"just like me, they long to be close to you" ~ the carpenters
do you have someone in your life that is undoubtedly lovable? and not just in the "oh, they're swell" kind of way. i'm talking about the ones people flock to, the ones that we crave to be near to, the ones who always have someone at their side swallowing every word they say as if it were dark chocolate creme brulee.
i have a couple of people like that in my world. one, for his boyish charm and gracious generosity. the other for his bad boy ways and cunning sensuality. i've never been in love, but i would dare say that i have loved each of these men at different times in my life. i wonder what it would be like to have that much influence over others: with one look, melt a heart and persuade someone to fall in love. with one smile, earn the complete trust of every person you encounter. with one touch, cause another to follow you wherever you may lead.
i tend to take second place. i don't say that as a cop out or a cry for attention. it's simply a truth i have come to discover. i am the best friend, not the love. i am the late night call, not the weekend mini-vaca.
have you ever heard michelle featherstone's "back of the church"? it's a beautiful tune:
i will wait somewhere in the wings,
watch you take your bow.
in the front row is someone else;
they’re clapping for you now.
i will wait on the starting line,
watch you win this game.
i won’t move when someone else is cheering on your name.
i will wait in the back of the church,
and watch you say i do.
i won’t cry when someone else is standing next to you.
i wish there was some way to tell you,
but words just get in the way.
you should know that i will always love you,
forever and a day.
the song has this haunting melody that stays with you for days. i can't help but hear the song in the back of my head as i wonder if i'll ever be that person in the front row. i know that i'll never be like my friends who are center stage to the world. i don't want to be. i'm an intravert, anyway. what i would like, though, is to have one person who somehow sees me as the priority in their life.
i close tonight with some over the rhine:
i'm afraid i've lost the piece of me
i need the most you see.
this puzzle is really just about the need
to be somebody.
i'm afraid i'm not all that you see;
all along the coast of me
i'm camouflaged, a desert mirage,
a nobody...
but you came so close and i assumed
you were looking
for the piece of yourself that's lost.
it is the hiding place inside everybody
and though we love to numb the pain,
we come to learn that it's in vain.
pain is our mother.
she makes us recognize each other.
c'mon now child don't cry.
let's give it one more try.
sometimes i feel so all alone
here in this city i call my home.
they say, hey, you're one of us.
funny, i should feel so anonymous.
but i'm drawn to you
and that still small voice is talking too,
and that's the voice that so seldom can get through.
that's the trouble with you and me;
we always hit the bottom before we get set free.
i'm so far down
i'm beginning to breathe...
do you have someone in your life that is undoubtedly lovable? and not just in the "oh, they're swell" kind of way. i'm talking about the ones people flock to, the ones that we crave to be near to, the ones who always have someone at their side swallowing every word they say as if it were dark chocolate creme brulee.
i have a couple of people like that in my world. one, for his boyish charm and gracious generosity. the other for his bad boy ways and cunning sensuality. i've never been in love, but i would dare say that i have loved each of these men at different times in my life. i wonder what it would be like to have that much influence over others: with one look, melt a heart and persuade someone to fall in love. with one smile, earn the complete trust of every person you encounter. with one touch, cause another to follow you wherever you may lead.
i tend to take second place. i don't say that as a cop out or a cry for attention. it's simply a truth i have come to discover. i am the best friend, not the love. i am the late night call, not the weekend mini-vaca.
have you ever heard michelle featherstone's "back of the church"? it's a beautiful tune:
i will wait somewhere in the wings,
watch you take your bow.
in the front row is someone else;
they’re clapping for you now.
i will wait on the starting line,
watch you win this game.
i won’t move when someone else is cheering on your name.
i will wait in the back of the church,
and watch you say i do.
i won’t cry when someone else is standing next to you.
i wish there was some way to tell you,
but words just get in the way.
you should know that i will always love you,
forever and a day.
the song has this haunting melody that stays with you for days. i can't help but hear the song in the back of my head as i wonder if i'll ever be that person in the front row. i know that i'll never be like my friends who are center stage to the world. i don't want to be. i'm an intravert, anyway. what i would like, though, is to have one person who somehow sees me as the priority in their life.
i close tonight with some over the rhine:
i'm afraid i've lost the piece of me
i need the most you see.
this puzzle is really just about the need
to be somebody.
i'm afraid i'm not all that you see;
all along the coast of me
i'm camouflaged, a desert mirage,
a nobody...
but you came so close and i assumed
you were looking
for the piece of yourself that's lost.
it is the hiding place inside everybody
and though we love to numb the pain,
we come to learn that it's in vain.
pain is our mother.
she makes us recognize each other.
c'mon now child don't cry.
let's give it one more try.
sometimes i feel so all alone
here in this city i call my home.
they say, hey, you're one of us.
funny, i should feel so anonymous.
but i'm drawn to you
and that still small voice is talking too,
and that's the voice that so seldom can get through.
that's the trouble with you and me;
we always hit the bottom before we get set free.
i'm so far down
i'm beginning to breathe...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
a conversation on comfort
"i don't know what it is...despite the fact that we disagree on such fundamental things, i am so comfortable talking with you"
some call me a helpless romantic.
others call me a cynical skeptic.
today i'm struggling in the center.
who knows what prompted this statement - was it words of reassurance or just another line? whatever it was, it has left me in wonderment for the past couple days. i keep hearing his words over and over again, alternating with the judgmental gazes a young man gives as he begins to show that he thinks i’m too open-minded to be a Christian.
from one, i am seen as narrow-minded and naïve. i follow my heart when i ought to follow logic. from the other, i am too open and accepting. i follow philosophy more than i follow scripture.
it just proves that perception simply is not always reality. because if it were, then i would be both narrow and open minded. i would be both too accepting and too judgmental. i would be both a fundamentalist and an atheist.
i’m not saying that either young man is correct in his overall assumptions about who i am, but i would like to say that i hope that i can continue to live up to those first words for the rest of my life. i hope that regardless of the similarities or differences between us, i will always be a person that others can talk to and know that their truths are respected and that they are valued.
some call me a helpless romantic.
others call me a cynical skeptic.
today i'm struggling in the center.
who knows what prompted this statement - was it words of reassurance or just another line? whatever it was, it has left me in wonderment for the past couple days. i keep hearing his words over and over again, alternating with the judgmental gazes a young man gives as he begins to show that he thinks i’m too open-minded to be a Christian.
from one, i am seen as narrow-minded and naïve. i follow my heart when i ought to follow logic. from the other, i am too open and accepting. i follow philosophy more than i follow scripture.
it just proves that perception simply is not always reality. because if it were, then i would be both narrow and open minded. i would be both too accepting and too judgmental. i would be both a fundamentalist and an atheist.
i’m not saying that either young man is correct in his overall assumptions about who i am, but i would like to say that i hope that i can continue to live up to those first words for the rest of my life. i hope that regardless of the similarities or differences between us, i will always be a person that others can talk to and know that their truths are respected and that they are valued.
Monday, April 6, 2009
more than just the title of a blog
"in the taillights
so much hindsight
telling me what i already know
yeah, i'm lookin' forward to lookin' back"
~ over the rhine
so much hindsight
telling me what i already know
yeah, i'm lookin' forward to lookin' back"
~ over the rhine
they say these are the best years of my life. although, i've heard that said about pretty much every phase of life. high school was supposedly the best years of my life. college was supposedly the best years of my life. and now, my twenties are supposed to be the best years of my life.
i hate to be argumentative, but i must disagree. i pray that these are not the best years of my life. sure, they're the best so far, but i am chasing a dream much bigger than my life right now and i sure do hope that i get there someday. i want to be able to say at every phase of my life that surely these are in fact the best years of my life.
regardless of whether or not they are the best, i am truly looking forward to looking back on these days. i want every day to be a day of growth and love and grace. i pray that each day is a new beginning, a new step forward toward the person i am becoming.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)