wisdom from nine inch nails, really?

"bow down before the one you serve.
you're going to get what you deserve..." ~ trent reznor


sometimes i forget who i'm serving. i lose sight of my path. i look back and i see poor decisions and wasted opportunities. my latest regret is one that some friends would slap me for calling it such. they would say that i had fun and to quit worrying about it. i can't help but wonder if i wasted an opportunity for what could have been a new friendship. i'm not dwelling on the specificity of the instance, but more about my attitude going into it all. what is the bigger picture here?

i find myself asking, who am i? and who do i show the world that i am? and why are they not always the same? i have a tendency to either come on too strong or alternatively, too passive. out of fear of being too shy, i am sometimes a bit too sarcastic or too bold with people i've just met. out of fear of being too intense, i sometimes appear apathetic.

neither is the real me. i fall somewhere in the middle.

here are the things i know to be true about myself:

• i am an imperfect person who screws up regularly
• God loves me and accepts my apologies with generous grace
• i continually ask God to use my mentors to teach me how to be a better me
• nothing is more exciting to me than a great conversation
• music touches my soul in ways that nothing else can
• my heart aches for the injustices of the world
• because of this, friends have named me "social justice girl" and professors have called me a feminist
• neither of those classifications bother me
• my heart has been bruised and even beaten, but it has never broken
• i sometimes wonder if i will ever live up to the expectations others have set for me
• currently, i am not living up to the expectation i have of myself
• currently, i am not living up to the expectation God has for me

so whom do i bow before? money? lust? success? the Lord?

"no servant can serve two masters. either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." ~ luke 16:13

who do i serve? and am i getting what i deserve?

with the usual play on sexuality and violence, reznor's 'head like a hole' digs deeper in asking "who do you serve?" we could fight all day about what the song is really about - sex, capitalism, addiction, etc - but what if the song is really saying something similar to luke? are you going to give into money? lust? success? or are you going to serve something or someone greater? whatever your answer, there can only be one. you can only bow before one.

who do you choose?

christmas cards and vigil votive candles

"tis' the season to be jolly, so why am i so melancholy?"

(i feel like that's in a song somewhere...but maybe i'm making it up)

today my boss invited me into his office. he asked me to shut the door and sit down for a minute. i of course followed his wishes. what came next, i was not prepared for. he said, "is everything okay? i feel like you have been sad lately."

my soul ached as i heard the words leave his lips. i felt like i was in one of those made-for-tv-movies in the moment when the music swells and the camera pans out as the parents stage an intervention with the teenage girl and her long-time eating disorder.

the truth is that i am not sad at all. i have had a beautiful week. i finished my classes for the semester, caught up on projects that have been haunting me for months, even cleared out my e-mail inbox for the first time since i took on the new job. this has been a very good week!

so why does my boss find me to be sad? why is my disposition not matching my emotion?

i don't have an answer...

what i do have, though, is a christmas card from my aunt jeanne before she passed away. i have no idea how old this card is, but i uncovered it tonight as i looked through a box of old cards and letters to search for friends' addresses so i could send out christmas cards. i opened the card to the familiar writing and the even more familiar phrase, "candles for all at mass tonight. pray for me, too."

my aunt was a devout catholic and always lit candles for people. she made a point of telling you when she did and also telling you when she prayed for you. lots of people do that, but few ask for prayer for themselves. she always did. every time i called her to thank her for the birthday money or the card in college she would tell me she was praying for me and then she would ask me to pray for her. every phone call. every card.

it's easy to tell someone that you are praying for them. although i have a friend who gets annoyed when someone tells them that they are praying for him. he says that it is undermining his own beliefs and it seems like laughing in his face for not sharing the same faith. whatever your intention, it's easy to tell someone what you're doing on their behalf and then walk away ignorantly without ever hearing what they have to say or hear what they believe. it's an act of vulnerability and an act of courage to ask someone to pray for you. in that simple act we admit that we don't have it all together and that we, too, need some help. in that act we also challenge our brothers and sisters to join us in our faith. for me, aunt jeanne's words were a constant reminder to stay in regular contact with my Maker.

maybe that's what russ was really asking when he called me into his office this morning. maybe the question wasn't just "is everything okay?" maybe the real question was "is there anything i can pray about for you?"

maybe my disposition hasn't been the best because i haven't been really faithful in my prayer life lately. sure, i say my daily prayers. but i haven't been in real conversation with God. i've thanked the Creator for my many blessings and i've asked for those blessings to be extended to my neighbors in the specific ways that they need, but i haven't really spent time with God. that changes now.

so tonight, in the dark midnight hour as i light a candle in memory of an incredible aunt and prepare for prayer, i ask you to please "pray for me, too".

before this fleeting season

Lord, before this fleeting season is upon us,

let me remember to walk slowly.
Lord, bless my heart with love and with quiet.
give my heart a leaning to hear carols.
grace our family with contentment,
and the peace that comes only from You.
Lord, help us to do less this busy season;
go less;
stay closer to home;
kneel more.
may our hearts be Your heart.
may we simply, peacefully, celebrate You.

~ maryann jindra

a day of thanks

what i am thankful for this day (and always), in no particular order:
1. my family. they can be wacky but i love them :)
2. coshocton. a lot of people dog this place (with perfectly good reason), but it will always be home.
3. the lake park playvillion. countless memories were made there and it's always fun to go back.
4. food. and not just food, but good fresh food. and the fact that i have never been hungry.
5. the thousands of individuals and organizations who are fighting world hunger.
6. my job. i love my job. i love empowering students to create their own college experience.
7. my students. pfeiffer has one-of-a-kind students who pour their hearts into their work/ministry/sport.
8. my coworkers. i work with an amazing team of passionate professionals.
9. the village people. the weekly "get ready for monday!" and "glee" parties with becca, katie, and katy keep me moving!
10. music. there is nothing in this world that makes me FEEL more than good music.
11. cold weather. sweaters and coats and scarves and boots - yes!
12. love. there can never be enough love in this world.
13. hate. i think it's okay to hate, as long as you're hating something like poverty or racism or greed.
14. my pillow. i have laid my head down on the same feather pillow since middle school. it's perfect.
15. laughter. there is not a sweeter sound on this earth.
16. Jesus, who needs no explanation.

expecting the unexpected

wednesday afternoon i received a call from the dealership where i do all the servicing for my car. the woman on the other end of the line asked what it would take for me to trade in my car and get a new one. she said that they had no hondas on their pre-owned lot and, being a honda dealership, this was a problem. i told her that i would only consider it if they lowered my monthly payment and didn't tack on more than 2 years of the financing i still had left on my current car. she asked me to come in the next morning, so i did.

i explained to justin, the salesman, that i was in no way interested in buying a new car. i love my car. it is a great car. it's not even three years old. it has treated me well and it was in perfect shape. justin agreed, which is why they wanted it on their used lot. he said that looked it over the last time it was in for an oil change and since i was such a loyal client, that they wanted to offer me $2000 more than the kelly blue book value of my car. (luckily, i had done my homework and checked this out the night before just in case he was going to try to swindle me! ...he didn't.) he gave me the numbers and ended up offering me a brand new version of the same exact car i had with a lower monthly payment and only added two more years to the financing i had with the old car.

students keep asking me how long i'm going to stay at pfeiffer. i think they are quickly realizing that as i finish my master's i have one less thing holding me to this place. they recognize that i am overworked and undersocialized. my entire life here is work. i get away every once in a while, but my closest ties are in places like ohio or charlotte or boston. social activity in misenheimer can be boring for students. it is utterly nonexistent for single young men and women. this is a good place to settle down with a family, but when you're on your own life can get pretty lonely out here.

my answer is always the same: "i have no plans on leaving."

am i looking at other jobs? of course, but not seriously. every young professional my age is always looking for ways to expand their experiences and build up their resume. i would be silly not to be looking, but that's all i'm doing - looking. i'm not searching.

i love my job. i love the students i work for and the staff i work with. i love the small school atmosphere and the dedication to our church-relatedness. i love that my superiors truly let my job be a ministry. i have no intentions on leaving.

but i had no intentions on trading in my old car, either. i drove onto that lot with a trunk full of pampered chef boxes to be delivered in ohio next week, a cup of tea in the cup holder, and a pile of mail in the back seat.

the only constant in life is to expect the unexpected.

the american dream

exhausted.
my body aching
my soul depleted
exhausted.

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
if i strive long enough
if i dream big enough
that i could do anything.

so i went to college.

counselor told me to build up a resume
so i double majored
i got all a's
i filled my schedule with
curriculars, co-curriculars, extra-curriculars
until there wasn't a minute left.
over 10,000 moments
of classes
and clubs
and meetings
and service
and projects
and lessons
and work
and...
and...

and...exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

all so i could get a job.

and get a job, i did.
three, in fact.

one to pay for a roof over my head
one to pay for food on my table
and one to pay for the transportation to get to the other two

who has time to dream
when you're working 95 hours a week?

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
strive long enough
believe firmly enough
that i could do anything.

exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

is this the american dream?

tenderheart

do you remember the care bears? i remember them from my childhood a little, but mostly i remember them from when they relaunched in 2002. i was in college at the time and nose deep in sorority life. my friend carrie chose "care bear" as her sorority nick name. (so much cooler than the generic "hav dawg" i was given...) her room was COVERED in care bears. blankets, stuffed animals, pillow cases - you name it, she had it.

one of my students, laura beth, can best be described as one with a gentle spirit and a tender heart. she cares so deeply for the feelings of others. it's taken me a while to warm up to who laura beth is because it is so different from how i tend to be.

for example, carrie wasn't the only one in college to catch on to the care bear craze. other friends bought bears as well. someone bought me "grumpy bear". if tenderheart is the the bear i would give laura beth, then what does it mean that i was given grumpy bear? what does that say about who i was and how i treated others?

i thank God for the laura beths of this world. we need them. to remind us of all that is good and pure in this world and to show us how to simply CARE for one another.

she shut down during one of our activities this morning. our facilitator, susan, from the general board of church and society was demonstrating the abuse people in poverty experience every day, without prepping the students for it, so they didn't know what was happening. all they knew was that she was yelling at them for not finishing the activity on time. "if only you were smarter - does pfeiffer just let ANYONE in?" "if only you worked harder!" "do you not care if you win or not?" "what's wrong with you??"

laura beth had enough. she had tried to speak up, but susan just spoke over her. she tried again. failed again. she ended up turning around in her chair and turning her back to the group circle. if she wouldn't be heard, then she wouldn't engage in the conversation at all.

eventually susan shared the purpose and brought it back to the issue of poverty and the students realized that she had only been pretending before.

what if everyone had done with laura beth did? what if everyone quit listening to susan? what if they left the room? who would she have been speaking to then? a leader who has no one listening to them is not a leader anymore. maybe we could correct some of the social issues in this world if only we would stop listening to those who are content with further silencing those without voices. maybe we could make this world a more tender hearted place...

memorials and memories

this morning we hit up dc's favorite past-time - the monuments! we started with the washington monument and worked our way through to the korean war memorial. what incredible artistry...

as we were walking solemnly through the world war II memorial i couldn't help but send my infamous "death-glare" glances toward an annoying group of middle school boys and girls who seemed more interested in flirting than anything else. i had just about had it when i noticed several war veterans and their wives approaching. anticipating the horror of how disrespected these men and women would be when face to face with the little terrors, i anxiously watched on.

what i saw next was something i will never forget.

the pre-teen boys quit their female counterparts, excitedly approached the older gentlemen in their uniform hats, and nervously asked if they would mind having their picture taken with them. my jaw dropped. in the exact moment when i thought all hope was lost for this next generation, they proved me wrong. in the exact moment when i thought these boys would completely dishonor how those men so graciously served, they treated them like the heroes that they are.

as they gathered for the photo, the men stood tall with their shoulders back and their heads held high. the boys timidly mimicked their every move. when at last it was time to take the photo, they all smiled from ear to ear. picture perfect.

babies. i got stuck with babies.

our morning began at 5am. we silently gathered ourselves for breakfast and walked out the door at 5:45am. as we emerged from the metro station to walk the 5 more blocks to s.o.m.e. the sun had still not broken the day. so many men and women were hurrying through the streets as if rushing to beat the daylight so as not to be seen by us regular folk.

we saw many of those people only an hour later as they came to s.o.m.e. for a hot breakfast. what they received was more than just some food, though. every plate was served with a loving “good morning”, every coffee poured with a smile.

we served over 250 guests and then walked toward the bus station. we passed some of our guests on the streets as we walked. in our devotion time tonight sarah shared that she noticed a man that she had served that morning and though she wanted to say hello, he decidedly avoided her eyes and stared at the ground. is it shame? is it fear? is it what our society has taught him to do because we avert our eyes too?

we eventually reached the bus stop and took the bus over to martha’s table where i got stuck with babies. yes, …babies. others were cleaning playgrounds or preparing food for the mobile soup kitchen, but i was put with the babies.

i think the kids could tell that i wasn’t a baby person. they just stared at me skeptically as i tried to force tiny spoonfuls of applesauce into their tight-lipped little mouths. then i was sent to another room with 9 children 3-15 months old. immediately i was directed to pick up a little crying boy named brian. he settled down rather quickly – seemed he just wanted to be held. i awkwardly walked him around the room while the two classroom teachers fed lunch to the rest of the kids.

one of the teachers kept calling over to brian, telling him that he was being spoiled rotten today. being held is being spoiled? more specifically, being held by a weird lady who doesn’t like kids and doesn’t know how to talk to them is somehow special? i guess when you have 9 infants and only 2 teachers, you have few chances to hold the children and love on them.

being smiled at while walking down the street should not be special treatment. being held should not be special treatment. it ought to be the norm.

the seeds of revolution

we started our morning at the holocaust museum. what a way to begin... my heart sank more into my chest with each new image silently screaming at me from the walls. my stomach turned as i learned about the medical experiments doctors used to justify the torture of innocent jews. the students milled about the exhibits with tear-filled eyes and heavy hearts. it wasn't until i saw my name on the wall of victims, however, that the tears came flooding from the depths of my soul. there it was - hava. there were too many names to count etched onto that glass wall, but my eyes zeroed in on the one my parents chose for me before i was yet born, some 36 years ago. suddenly, this wasn't just a passive walk through history. suddenly, i was part of the story.

isn't this how, all too often, we react? we watch the commercial with starving children in darfur while cooking dinner for our families, and sure we feel bad about it. but it doesn't stop us from continuing with what we were doing. we hear about the genocide in africa, and we quiet our minds with a loud sigh. but then we go back to our lives and move on. it isn't until we find ourselves in the story that we begin to care enough to act.

in our devotion tonight joey read job chapter 17: "my spirit is crushed and my life is nearly snuffed out...where then is my hope? can anyone find it?" (job 17:1, 15 nlv) and begged the question, "what injustices do you see that you want to see end and how do you stop them?" students spoke of large world issues and their desire to see change. they spoke against the passivity of the church today, who only fights causes when they become trends, "when shouldn't we be the ones leading the revolution?"

i think there's a reason that revolution and revelation sound so similar. it is through revelation that the seeds of revolution are planted.

God is definitely planting seeds within these students already this week...