day nine

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
Your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
Your justice like the great deep.
You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
how priceless is Your unfailing love, O God!
people take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
they feast on the abundance of Your house;
You give them drink from Your river of delights.
for with You is the fountain of life;
in Your light we see light."


~ psalm 36:5-9, new international version


when i was a little girl the church i grew up in had a strong sign language ministry.  we would learn bits of the language and then learn songs and share them in the worship.  the first song i remember learning was "i love You, Lord".  every time i hear that song in church i think of being a little girl and feeling so much pride in learning the signs to this, such a simple song.

it's amazing how a song can take you back in time.  i hear a lyric or a chord progression and i travel back to a particular moment in my history, instantly.  for example...

awesome God sends me to the summer of 1997.  heather and i are at youth annual conference and some crazy worship leader is making us sing the stupid chorus 85 times.

the eagles' hotel california sends me to the summer of 1999.  chandra and i are waking up yet another morning with our hair all tied up in knots as we test different hair curling techniques.

eddie vedder's better man and lifehouse's everything send me to 2002.  i'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling talking with kelly in the next bed as we drift off to another night's sleep.

ja rule and jennifer lopez's ain't it funny sends me to 2003.  i'm dancing like a fool at theta chi. or theta xi. or chi phi. or formal. or...

ashlee simpson's pieces of me sends me to the summer of 2004.  i'm unpacking my room at 12 marion street, gearing up for my senior year of college.

nelly and tim mcgraw's over and over again sends me to the summer of 2005.  kara and i have just moved to charlotte and monica is driving us around, introducing us to the city.

songs are essential in worship for me.  i can't worship without music. i think it's because there isn't anything on this earth that brings out more emotion in me than a thoughtful lyric and a haunting harmony.  it's only natural then, that when i read tonight's scripture i immediately heard mac powell singing 'your love oh lord'.

even though the song is simple, i love You Lord will always be a worship song that is close to my heart.  it was one of the first songs I remember learning to sing (as well as sign).  tonight, i'll let the lyric be my prayer:

i love You, Lord
and i lift my voice
to worship You
oh, my soul rejoice!
take joy my King
in what You hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear 

day eight

"meanwhile, friends, wait patiently for the Master's arrival. you see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work. be patient like that. stay steady and strong. the Master could arrive at any time.

friends, don't complain about each other. a far greater complaint could be lodged against you, you know. the Judge is standing just around the corner. 

take the old prophets as your mentors. they put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. what a gift life is to those who stay the course! you've heard, of course, of job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. that's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail."

~ james 5:7-11, the message



i hate hospitals.  i think of needles and tubes and monitors and death.  but hospitals are also places of treatment and rehabilitation and healing and birth.

i've found, though, that a lot happens in the waiting rooms in the wings.  sincere hope is felt in the waiting room.  loving memories are shared in the waiting room.  future plans are made in the waiting room.  astounding news is learned in the waiting room.  life is found in the waiting room.

life is found in the waiting...

 
i have my mother's face.  my mother's naivete.  and my mother's hair.

i have my father's ear.  my father's ocd.  and my father's patience.

i'm not very good at waiting, but God's working on me and maybe one day i'll finally learn that waiting is, well,...it's living.

day seven

"what's God going to say to my questions? i'm braced for the worst. i'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. i'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. 

and then God answered: "write this. write what you see.
write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.
this vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming.
it aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
and it doesn't lie.
if it seems slow in coming, wait.
   it's on its way. it will come right on time."

~ habakkuk 2:1-3, the message


oh God of all that was and is and is to come...
i have faith that You know every part of our world.

Lover of all that is good and Hater of all that is evil...
i pray that you would change our hearts to love like You do.
teach us to hate injustice, to hate prejudice, to hate inequality - to hate what You hate.

Parent to the orphan, Healer to the sick, Comfort to the lonely...
care for those suffering from the devastation in japan.
give them food, shelter, clothing, medical care.
give them support - financial, physical, emotional.
bring the people of the world together to bless this hurting nation.

selah.
(pause, and listen...)

day six

"in the beginning was the Word, 
and the Word was with God, 
and the Word was God. 
He was with God in the beginning. 

through him all things were made; 
without him nothing was made that has been made. 

in him was life, 
and that life was the light of all mankind. 

the light shines in the darkness, 
and the darkness has not overcome it."

~ john 1:1-5, new international version


Alpha and Omega,
Beginning and the End,
First and the Last.

Elohim, El Shaddai, Adonai,
Almighty Sufficient Master of all.

Jehovah-Rophe, Jehovah-Jireh, El Elyon,
Healer, Provider, Most High.

Creator, Sustainer,
the Great I Am.

God with me.
God beside me.
God behind me.
God before me.
God in me.


"so the Word became human and made his home among us. he was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. and we have seen his glory, the glory of the God's one and only Son."

~ john 1:14, new living translation


thank You.
thank You.
thank You.
thank You.
thank You.

              ...but "thank You" will never be enough.

day five

"to everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
a time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
~ecclesiastes 3:1-8, amplified bible

i've made a habit in my life of disagreeing with the writer of ecclesiastes.  here, we find the byrd's 'turn turn turn' - to every thing, there is a season.  i've always hated that song.  i've always hated that scripture.  but maybe i just need to interpret it differently.

there simply isn't a 'right time' for EVERY thing, for violent war and devastating hunger.  but maybe that's not what the writer is saying. 

most translations use the word "activity under heaven" in verse one, but the lockman foundation uses "every matter or purpose under heaven" in their amplified bible translation.  they claim to have gone back to accepted aramaic, greek, and hebrew manuscripts to translate the scripture into literary english.  sure enough, the original hebrew uses the word "he-pes" meaning event, delight, pleasure, or will.   both versions translate the word pretty literally, but with a word with so many possible meanings who is to say which is right?  simply because of my bias, i'm going to go with the lockman foundation on this one.

so where i used to think that this scripture was trying to tell me that there was a time for everything that happened on earth (under heaven), maybe it is really trying to tell me that there is a time for everything that God delights in, finds pleasure with or wills.  maybe there isn't a time for violent war, but there is time for a world-wide war against hunger.  maybe there isn't a time for blind hate of our neighbors, but there is a time for moral hate of the injustices of the world.

this isn't at all what my study prompted me to write about today, but oh well.  maybe tomorrow i'll get back on track...

day four

God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
so we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.

let the oceans roar and foam.
let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
                        
a river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
from the very break of day, God will protect it.
 
the nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!
 
“be still and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”


~ psalm 46:1-6 & 10, new living translation


silence. it's not so easy to obtain.  especially at 1:30am in a house full of snoring pets with your college-aged neighbors hosting a 'welcome back from spring break, it's time to get crazy' party.  but silent was what my book was telling me to be for ten whole minutes.

it's amazing what God can do when we quiet our minds long enough just to be and feel and know.  so many times we're told to be still so we can listen for God, but even more important than listening is being.  a colleague preached a sermon several years ago about our call to be human beings instead of human doings.  that idea has really stuck with me over the years...

monica and i used to go to each other's apartments to just sit and be.  we'd watch tv and read magazines and barely say a word to each other.  an hour or two would pass and we'd say our goodbyes.  i loved those evenings.  i loved that we could just be together.  we didn't have to do anything or go anywhere.

that's the true test of a relationship.  when you can just be with someone else and not have to talk or do anything, that's when you know this is a friend that you've really built a solid relationship with.  they know you.  they appreciate you.  they understand you.  they love you for who you are, not what you say or what you do.

as much as i want to reach that point with the men that i date and the friends that i cherish, the Maker wants to reach that point with us too. that point when the prayers aren't important (because let's face it, God knows our prayers without our even voicing them).  that point when worship songs aren't needed (because i'm sure the angels sing sweeter than me anyway).  that point when the only sacrament needed is an open heart and an open hand.

be still and know that I am God.

be still and know.

just be.

i'm kind of a cold person.  i don't like mushy stuff and, generally speaking, i avoid physical contact.  all that said, i have a very loving, compassionate heart.  i just don't do well with the outward expression of those feelings.  so to just be with God?  i can do that.  i prefer that.

tonight i pray for a quiet mind and a loud heart.

day three

"why would you ever complain, oh jacob,
or, whine, israel, saying,
'God has lost track of me.
God doesn't care what happens to me'?
don't you know anything?
haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
God is Creator of all you can see or imagine.
God doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch a breath.
and God knows everything, inside and out.
God energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
for even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
but those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
they spread their wings and soar like eagles,
they run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."

~ isaiah 40:27-31, the message


i have to be honest... the scripture lesson was too much for me tonight. i stopped and started over and over again. it took me several tries before i completed the reading. i know that's not something i should admit, but it's the truth.

i was taught that "good christians" read their bibles every day for hours on end. i engrossed myself in academic study of religion for 9 years. i read the bible every day for hours. but that wasn't time with the Great Author of life. that was homework.

by the time i finished my graduate degree i was exhausted. i was tired of reading... well, i'm not tired anymore. i just have to get back into the habit!

i didn't just have trouble with reading tonight. i had trouble with the reading. i can't help but wonder...do the people of japan feel God's loving presence? or does it feel like they've been forgotten? if it were me, well. i'd feel forgotten. (i'm just being honest..) i would absolutely feel like God had "lost track of me".

i can't believe in a God who plays chess with our lives, planning every single move we make. i believe in a God that loves creation so much that we are given gracious lessons through hardships, if we accept it. but i don't believe in a God who causes bad things to happen simply to teach or punish or simply to be cruel. so when things like war and hunger plague our world i can blame that on people and pray that God would see us through. i can blame evil people for tragedies in our history like slavery or the holocaust but when something like an already devastating earthquake forms a life-taking tsunami, well...i don't know that i can blame that on people. i don't want to blame it on God either. but if God "knows everything, inside and out" then why would the Source of Love allow such devastation?

my prayers tonight go out to the people of the world so terribly lost from this latest tragedy. to the families and friends of those who have died and those who are missing. i pray for the communities that will have to rebuild joy and strength and solidarity as much as they will reconstruct homes and businesses. i pray for the industries that are losing business, for the world-wide impact. tonight i pray for the world to come together to help those in need, that we would do more than silently stare at the television screen at the horrid images of the day. that we would be moved to action. that we would be the hands and feet of Christ.

day two

"and that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. so take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. and put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws your way.

this is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the devil and all his angels.

be prepared. you're up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet.

truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you'll need them throughout your life.

God's word is an indispensable weapon. in the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long. pray for your brothers and sisters. keep your eyes open. keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."

~ ephesians 6.10-18, the message

other translations use the imagery of armor to describe the gifts from God that prepare us for the battle called life. i don't know about you, but i don't see too many people wearing breastplates and carrying shields these days. i do better with more modern imagery. instead of gladiator armor, maybe it's easier to visualize modern day under armour (even if "this is no afternoon athletic contest").

instead of the belt of truth, tennis sweatbands.

instead of the breastplate of righteousness, football shoulder pads.

instead of the shield of faith, soccer shin guards.

instead of the helmet of salvation, a baseball helmet.

instead of the sword of the Spirit, a golf club.

we prepare for sport with such diligence and ritual. we wear lucky socks that haven't been washed since the season began, wouldn't dare run out on the lacrosse field without cleats and athletic trainers would step in and speak up if we weren't eating well and hydrating ourselves in preparation for the game. we cheer on our teammates from the bench and encourage each other with a slap on the butt after the huddle.

so why is it that we cut corners with our faith? why is it that we let our friends fall out of love with the Lover of our souls?

i sometimes fall asleep without saying my evening prayers, forget to read scripture each morning, and never have cash when the offering plate comes around. it's no wonder that when times get tough i'm not prepared for the emotional toll.

i think we've let faith become this individual experience with our Creator, when my understanding of the Bible tells me that faith was always about communion with other people, as much as it was about communion with God. we talk about faith in general in our churches, but we rarely get down and dirty with raw honesty. well, if i'm ever gonna make it in this life then i need a community of faith that is going to demand nothing but the honest to goodness truth, a community that will cheer me on to victory, a community that will love me enough to hold me accountable for upholding the precious title of "Christian".

tonight i pray that God would use the next 40 days to foster in me the spirit of faithful discipline. tonight i pray for a community of believers to walk with me through this journey.

because, well, "this is for keeps. a life or death fight to the finish"

day one

God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. he led me around and among them - a lot of bones! there were bones all over the plain - dry bones, bleached by the sun.

he said to me, "son of man, can these bones live?"

i said, "Master God, only you know that."

~ ezekiel 37:1-3, the message

i sometimes joke that my job has sucked the life out of me. i'm eternally exhausted from the long hours and the constant craziness, but more than that i have allowed my work completely take over my soul. i spend all day at work then i come home, sit on the couch and work some more. i moved to a village so i could spend less time commuting and more time actually working.

i could blame all of this on my employer, but the truth is that i allowed this to happen. everyone is overworked these days. everyone has been charged to "do more with less, better." each time i sold a bit more of my soul to my job, i stole more and more of it from it's Originator.

back in the day, lent wasn't about losing weight or cutting out coffee. lent was a period of dedicated study of the catechism in preparation for baptism and admission into the orthodox church at easter. over the next 40 days i'm committing to dedicated study and prayer in preparation for my own re-admission into the church. over the next 40 days i'm asking the Creator to create in me a heart worth loving and a life worth living.

tonight i pray that my dry bones would find form through the words of my Maker. tonight i pray that my soul would find life in the breath of my Sustainer.

rope bones, part two

i bought pete a new rope toy yesterday. it wasn't your typical twisted and knotted at each end variety. it was shaped like a bone and had no frayed edges. i haven't bought pete a rope bone in many months, but this one looked so neat and strong that i thought i'd give it a try. a rope bone was his very first toy and he has always loved them, he just destroys them so quickly that i can't afford to give them to him anymore. well, i was sure this one would last longer than the others.

as soon as i got home, pete sniffed through my bags and discovered his new toy. i quickly cut it free from it's wrapping and pete ran off with it tucked
inside his teeth.

the bone was shredded in a matter of minutes.

 i should have known.
(remember pete's history with rope bones?)

i threw the shredded pieces of yarn in the trash can, hoping pete wouldn't find them.

he did. and it wasn't long before tiny pink and brown threads littered my bedroom floor so densely that i could barely see the carpet. after finally cleaning up all of the pieces, i put them in a bag and threw them out in the trash can outside in the rain where pete couldn't get to them.

i'm just like pete. i fell for someone years ago. i refuse to ever say that i loved him, but i definitely fell into something... (as the civil wars song says, "i don't love you, ...but i always will.") for years i thought that he had me under some sort of spell. i thought about him all the time. even though i knew we were bad together, i couldn't help but accept him into my life time and time again. i'd shut him out, only to let him back in the very next time he came around. i'd lie to my friends about who was texting or where i was going. he was like a drug to me. i was addicted.

a couple of years ago, circumstance separated us and despite similar friends i kept from seeing him for a year. when he resurfaced, i convinced myself that we could be friends. that i could somehow put the past behind me. that i could forget the way he looked at me and i felt like i was the most beautiful girl in the world. that i could forget all of the crazy fun times we had together. that i could forget all of the ways that he hurt me. that i could move forward with the man that had once been my friend.

i was wrong.

i saw him a couple of weeks ago and everything i had suppressed for so long all came flooding back to the surface. i danced with the devil and the younger, stupider havaleh came out to play. i joyfully jumped over lines and flirted with territory i hoped i'd never see. i made all the poor choices i made years ago, only this time i knew better. i knew better and i chose not to care.

around the time when i was lost with this guy years ago, my friend dawn sent me this postcard that read, "she threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsuitable men". i thought it was hysterical. she thought it was fitting. i've kept the card for the last 5 years. about a month ago, pete chewed it up and for some reason i kept the pieces that remained.

maybe it was to remind myself of the person i was. maybe it was to remind myself of the person i didn't want to be anymore. maybe i was simply holding on to the pieces that remained of an epic romance.

like pete, i held on to the trash that remained after something i loved was destroyed.

well, now it's time to throw it all away. it doesn't matter how many different kinds of rope bones i bring home to pete. he will destroy every one of them until he swallows dangerous pieces of yarn. it doesn't matter how many years go by, my relationship with that man will always be toxic. not because of him, but because of me. sure, he might be my drug, but i'm the one with an addiction.

friends of mine would like to make him a villain. they like to think that he's this horrible person who waltzes into my life like a tornado on steroids and laughs at the wreckage as he whirlwinds out, but that wouldn't be fair to him and it wouldn't be fair to me. i'm not some damsel in distress. i am a strong, educated woman who makes my own decisions, even the bad ones. and i'm not just some victim of crazy voodoo tactics. as much power as he may have over me, i have just as much power over him. as much as he has abused that power, i have too. tonight though...tonight i say goodbye to it all. tonight i relinquish my power over him and i relegate his power over me.
tonight i threw away the remnants of that postcard, along with the remnants of hope left inside of me that one day i could salvage this friendship. (tonight i don't just write about throwing away burnt cookies. tonight i actually carried them to the trash bin outside in the rain.)

tonight i let that piece of my past die. tonight i let that piece of me die.

lent will begin later this week. lent is my favorite season of the year and it centers around this concept of death. during lent, we die to the things that separate us from our Maker and Sustainer. sometimes people give up something for lent. this year, i've given up someone.

i'll also be working my way through a lenton study - writing to god. those writings will take the place of my usual blog. i know some of you have ordered the book and will be doing the same. please feel free to comment throughout the 40 days about how you interpret the scripture prompts each day. i look forward to our time together through this season of holy reflection. what needs to die inside of us? what will be pruned from our habitual living? who are we becoming?