church shopping

i hate that term.  it makes finding a church sound as trivial as finding a cute new sundress for the party friday night, when it should be about finding a place where your soul can grow.

a friend and i were talking about this today.  we have both recently moved to indianapolis and we're still figuring out our new lives in this new city.  finding a church was pretty easy for me, but she's still on the search.  i asked her what she was looking for and automatically she started talking about the worship music style.  actually, most of our conversation centered around church music.

as a daughter of not one but two music teachers and church musicians, i fully appreciate the impact music has on one's worship experience.  it can truly make or break the communion with God.  and that's just it, the purpose of worship is to commune with our Maker, right?  i have no problem listing worship music as one of the top factors when finding a new church.  my frustration lies with people who list it is the only factor.

actually, no.  my frustration lies with the church.  because we are the ones who have fueled this obsession with worship music style.  how many churches have divided over worship styles?  too many to count.  i hear it all the time from family members who attend a small town church with one traditional service and one contemporary service.  they claim that the contemporary service congregation doesn't participate in any other aspect of church life.  "it's like they're a completely separate church."  well, i bet if i talked to people in the contemporary service congregation they'd say the same thing.

how did it get this way?  when did we decide that worship services were the most important part of the church?  when did we decide that people who don't attend the same church or even the same worship service as us were somehow strange or wrong?

let me tell you about my new church because i think it's nearly everything i have hoped for, for many years now.  i'm not going to say it's perfect (because what ever is?) but it is a really great start.  various friends and colleagues told me to check out this church when they heard i was moving to indianapolis.  some recommended it because it is so big.  others recommended it simply because of the faith tradition.  neither is the reason i stay.

i stay because the church values both individual and community experiences with the Sustainer.  i stay because the pastors mirror the diversity found in the congregation.  i stay because the congregation is the first truly open congregation i have ever been a part of.  i stay because there is a real respect for the vibrancy of the arts.  i stay because there are a variety of classes on a variety of topics in a variety of learning styles at a variety of times with a variety of expected commitment levels.  i stay because there is a deeply rooted call to congregational action with the community - both local and worldwide.  i stay because the church understands that it must be relevant and it strives to be so.  i stay because they are more worried about the message they teach and the people they are than the clothes they wear or the technology they use.  i stay because they have a heart for justice in every sense of the word.

my favorite worship music style is the kind i just haven't found in a church yet.  i'd rather sit on a rocking chair on my porch singing along to a blind willie johnson record than dance around to the latest david crowder band craziness any day.  don't get me wrong, i like david crowder band.  there's a time and a place for great songs like "you are my joy" or "shine" and who doesn't love a little church hoedown with "i saw the light", but those simply don't stir my soul like shane and shane's "yearn" or rev. dorsey's "precious lord". and few songs can break my heart and make me weep like blind willie johnson's "dark was the night, cold was the ground", a lyric-less reflection on the crucifixion of Christ, because why put words to feelings that leave you speechless...

worship music is important.  worship itself is vital.  but it's not everything.  when looking for a church, i always refer back to john wesley's quadrilateral.  does this church recognize various interpretations of scripture?  does this church have a rich sense of tradition?  does this church value personal life experience?  does this church use sound reason with wisdom?  i find that if i can answer a strong, honest "yes" to each of those questions then i've probably found a church worth investing myself into, a place where I can meet my Savior, a congregation with whom I can explore and study my faith in challenging and exciting ways, a community where i can stretch and grow and yes, even worship, regardless of the music style.

adulthood

"i'm waiting, all of my life been waiting
to get it right, but that still seems like its so far away.
and i'm taking all the advice i'm given
trying to find out how a kid like me becomes a man.
cause i guess i'm just scared i'm the only one here growing old,
growing old but not quite growing up"
~ matt wertz, waiting

today i spent a lot of time with a new hire, going over office procedures, employee paperwork and job responsibilities.  several times in our conversation she mentioned that now she's an "adult" but she doesn't quite feel prepared.  it made me think....am i an adult?  how did i feel when i entered adulthood?  did i feel prepared?

heck no.

i spent a lot of time lost in the wilderness of post-adolescence/pre-adulthood.  (the developmental theorists are probably rolling in their graves over that made-up classification.)  i graduated college and i moved to a new city.  eventually, i got a job.  three, in fact.  one to pursue my dreams, one to pay the bills, and one to have money for my social life.

professionally, i was doing alright.  i was one of only a handful of my friends who was actually working (in one of the jobs) in the field that i studied in college.  i had the kind of job that my major prepared me for.  not only that, but i was excelling with my work.  i loved it and it showed, because i was darn good at it.

personally, though, i hadn't grown up at all.  in so many ways, i was still living the college lifestyle.  i made money so i could spend it, and i spent it quickly.  i filled every spare moment by partying with friends and making lots of poor decisions.  i was growing older, but not growing up.

the illusive "they" keep extending the range of adolescence in america.  it used to be that graduating from college or moving out of your parents house or getting your first job were all signs of adulthood.  nowadays, that's not necessarily the case.  parents continue to fund their children sometimes into their thirties and college grads move back in with mom and dad.  more than that, these young professionals are refusing to call themselves "adults".  do they fear the word?  do they think that if they say they're adults that they have to have all the answers figured out?

well, i don't have life figured out.  i still have a lot of questions.  and do i get it right, all of the time?  absolutely not.  but i am an adult. 

i keep trying and i keep striving toward my goals.  over the years i learned how to manage my finances.  i learned how to maintain a healthy work-life balance.  i learned that friendships are stronger when you have more than boys and booze to talk about.

most importantly, i learned to be happy with who i am.  unfortunately, that's not something that you can necessarily teach someone.  it's not a math equation that i can pass along to recent graduates.  if only learning to love yourself were that simple..

i think being an adult is about thinking of more than yourself.  it's about seeing the bigger picture, a picture much bigger than your own little corner of the world.  i think being an adult is about living with integrity and with grace.  i think being an adult is knowing yourself and allowing yourself to be the most authentic version of yourself possible.

ironically, the way that i measure adulthood is based on a lyric from bob dylan's "forever young":
"may you grow up to be righteous 
may you grow up to be true
may you always know the truth 
and see the lights surrounding you
may you always be courageous 
stand upright and be strong
may you stay forever young"

when i think of home

"when i think of home, i think of a place where there's love overflowing" ~ the whiz

i'm not much of a crier, but when i do the flood gates sure do fly open wide.  as i drove away from the "club house" where much life has been celebrated together with my dilworth refugees, i couldn't help but shed some tears.  it was my going away party at jenny and sally's and i was in denial.  these people had become my family.  why did i decide to take a new job that would make me move away from them?

i was scared.  scared that they'd forget me.  scared that i would feel alone in indianapolis.  scared that i wouldn't be able to find people in my new city who cared about me as much as they did.  but then sally said something that i can still hear crystal clear, now months later: "well you didn't know us when you moved to charlotte, either!"

i have been so blessed in my life.  i have friends in my life that i've known since we were three years old together.  i grew up with incredible friends in middle school and high school who gave me such grace through every awkward stage and stuck with me long enough to see me through to the other side.  i remember being at a party sometime around graduation when brad made the comment that we would all be friends forever.  i also vividly remember nate and i laughing at him and telling him that he was crazy, but i guess he was right.  not many people can say that they've been friends this long, but when you grow up in a place like coshocton, ohio with friends like mine, well, you can't help but stick together for life.  it's like your souls are eternally stitched together somehow.

i went to college out of state where nobody i knew would be attending.  for the first two weeks, i called my parents every day and begged them to cross the border into this wretched land of west virginia and bring me home.  it was horrible and i didn't have a car to escape.  eventually though, my roommate kelly talked me into going through recruitment and i joined the wonderful world of sorority.  through experiencing this with kelly i met phenomenal women who continue to teach me what it is to be a woman of purpose to this day.  again, these were friends who gave me grace as i tried to figure out what kind of woman i would become.

after college kara and i moved to charlotte on a whim.  sure, we had each other but we weren't quite sure what we were getting into.  shortly after moving, we reconnected with old college acquaintances who quickly became the best of friends and the infamous "char-latte crew".  then, after a few months, i finally landed a job at a church where i met the equally infamous "dilworth refugees".  both groups of friends became my stronghold in charlotte.  they were my family for so many holidays when i couldn't make it back to ohio.  we joined together for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births and even deaths.  i will never forget the people at grandpa's funeral staring at the gorgeous flower arrangement with the card that was signed "havaleh's refugees".  on a day when i felt like my world was ending, my crazy friends could somehow still make me giggle.

on the side, i was pursuing a graduate degree.  slow and steady was the pace, but through those five years i met some truly fantastic people.  people who are challenging the  relevance of the church and challenging young people to get off their asses and take ownership for their own faith stories.  people who challenged me to be a better professional and a better person.  people who somehow made group projects enjoyable and caused eight hour classes to race by in a breeze.

then came the misenheimer years.  in so many ways, my time in the village can best be described as a holding pattern, but then again it was also a place of self-discovery.  it was in the village that i met three women, who although they all hold a dear place in my heart and share the same name, touched my life in very unique ways.  rich was already constantly making fun of me for having too many katies in my life, but adding katie, katy, and katie to the list when i moved to misenheimer was well worth the ridicule.  each woman let me info her life and allowed me to be fully me, no matter what the circumstance.  in addition to the katie/ys were the wonderful colleagues  and students at pfeiffer who made the 15 hour work days not only bearable, but entertaining and enjoyable.  they were more than just people i knew at work, they are soul friends for life.

so, as the indianapolis chapter of my life begins i look forward to getting to know the newest cardholders of "havaleh's friends for life" exclusive membership program.  one day soon, indianapolis will feel like home but just like every other city i've moved to, well it takes a while...

trouble sleeping

"it's late and i'm feeling so tired
having trouble sleeping
this constant compromise
between thinking and breathing"
~ corinne bailey rae, trouble sleeping

in lieu of my insomniac behavior lately, i'm going to share some strange facts about what keeps me from sleeping as i'm laying in my bed -

things that keep me awake at night:
1. poverty and hunger in america (it's true. i stress myself out.)
2. anxiety about harry potter 7, part 2 (i'll see it by myself if i have to)
3. pete's whimpering and kicking in his nightmares (it's so cute i can't stand it)
4. mr. darcy walking across my face every five minutes (it's so annoying i can't stand it)
5. trying to remember the words to a song i hear on the radio (never can)
6. wondering if the tingly sensation on my back is natural or if it's a spider (it's never a spider)
7. worrying that if i don't fall sleep soon i'll not get enough sleep to function (i always function)

things that ought to keep me awake at night, but don't:
1. the fact that my front door handle won't lock properly
2. wondering if i'll ever see that cute guy from the store again
3. that i continually leave my pepper spray by the front door, instead of bringing it with me to the bedroom at night.

carolina in my mind

tonight marisa sent me a text from the wine vault.  she was sitting there listening to rich (refusing to play jason mraz, no doubt) and felt the loss of my absence.  so did i.  as much as indianapolis is surely becoming home for me, i think i'll always miss the friends i left in north carolina.

so in honor of my friends and "going to carolina in my mind" (james taylor) tonight, i'm going to list, in no particular order, many of the things that i am missing/will miss from the tar heel state:

1. freshly brewed sweet tea.
2. mert's southern soul cooking.
3. lupie's banana pudding.
4. bootsie's homemade pimento cheese.
5. celebrating thanksgiving on the beach in wilmington.
6. checking out great music and mountain men in asheville.
7. weekend hikes with pete at morrow mountain state park.
8. spending weekend evenings at the wine vault listening to rich perform.
9. char-latte crew cookouts complete with college games.
10. office potluck lunches with the village people.
11. midnight puppy play dates at the tennis courts.
12. attempting book studies with the refugees.
13. bank of america. (only no-deposit atms here)
14. finding the perfect dress at a belk sale.
15. uptown parking garage prices.  ($30 here!)
16. deep slow southern accents.
17. peach cobbler cook out milkshakes.
18. beautiful magnolia and crape myrtle lined streets.
19. the truly unique summer concert series - rock, indie, country, pop, folk, jazz, classical & oldies.
20. not having to lock my door or carry keys and pepper spray when i take pete out to pee at midnight.

you are not alone

"and you have your choicesand these are what make man greathis ladder to the stars
but you are not alone in this
as brothers we will stand
and we will hold your hand"

a lover of shakespeare and steinbeck, many of marcus mumford's lyrics allude to their stories.  timshel is no exception.  timshel is taken from the main theme of john steinbeck's east of eden.  it captures the idea of man's free will to choose.  to choose good from evil, right from wrong, excellence from mediocrity, something rather than nothing..

the last thing i did in north carolina was attend a mumford and sons concert with some of my favorite people.  we enjoyed fantastic musicianship and incredible artistry.  as they sang timshel i couldn't help but shed some tears.  and when my soul swelled with emotion, i took a friend's hand and prayed that the gesture would make up for the words i couldn't say.

i think i'm ready though, to tell her those words i couldn't find that overwhelming evening in asheville.

...you are not alone.  if i could find a way to say that enough that you would hear it, then i would say it one million times more than even that.  i know that life is hard right now.  i know it has been hard for a while.  i know that sometimes it feels like you are alone in this world but no matter how many miles away i may reside, i will always be there for you.  always.

believe in yourself.  you are so confident in so many facets of your life.  i only wish you would apply that strength to the concepts of love and trust.  in others.  ...in yourself.  you are intelligent, talented, witty, respected, classy, capable, attractive, lovable, worthy of being treasured and adored.  and should you begin to doubt any bit of that statement then give me a call and i will remind you that you are nothing less than truly lovely.

there is some debate over the exact definition of the hebrew word timshel.  does it mean "thou mayest"? does it mean "though shalt" or "thou must"?  is it a command or a choice?  well, i'm going to break the rules and say "both".

i think that living is both a command and a choice.  we live.  and if we are going to survive in this world, then we must live with intention.  if we are to live in this world, why not thrive?  why not be excellent?  that's where the choice lies...  we choose our purpose.  we choose whether we will be excellent or we will be ordinary.  because mediocrity, that's a choice too.

you, my dear friend, are meant for an extraordinary love affair with life.  
 "and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.when love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.get over your hill and see what you find there,with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."~ after the storm

new chapter development

the civil wars have been playing nonstop in my life for the past year.  i couldn't get enough of their sound and "poison and wine" is one of my favorites on the album.  there's something desperately haunting about their harmonies signing "i don't love you  ...but i always will."  like you can taste the delicate pain on the resounding chords..

i'm not one of those judgmental hipsters, but i do have a deep appreciation for authentic music from authentic musicians.  funny, then, that i should also really enjoy trashy teen television shows like gossip girl.  sometimes the mainstream melodramas can surprise you with philosophy that just sticks in your soul.

"there's a difference between a great love and the right love." - chuck.

i had a great love.  i don't call it love when i speak about it, but in the safety of this journal i'll admit that my feelings were significant enough to be (at least) near to 'love'.  he was charming. handsome. dynamic. intelligent. incredibly fun. talented. clever. appreciated a great variety of good music. 

on day one he told me i was too good for him.  four years later, i finally believed him and walked away.  it might have been a great love, but it wasn't the right love.  despite that truth, though, i've been living the song - i don't love him, but i always will...  well, 'always' ends today.

in some ways, i think moving across the country (can i call it that?) was the best thing for the two of us.  i didn't tell him i was leaving.  when he heard, he was astounded.  he couldn't believe that our chapter was finally coming to an end, but like a dickens novel that never seems to come to a close our story ended long before the last words were written. 

this is a fresh start.  this is an opportunity to turn the page and start a new story.  ...and this time the main character is going to be me.  i have high hopes for the indianapolis chapter of my life.  (for the education junkies out there, i've even created some learning objectives for my time here.)  it's time to start living with intentionality and with purpose.  i'm ready to be the person i've been wanting to become.  as another civil wars song goes, "i've missed you, ...but i haven't met you yet."

mystery injuries

i am prone to mystery injuries.  i've never been one of those dainty little princesses and i'm not particularly graceful. so it's not surprising that i sometimes discover scratches, cuts, and bruises on my body of whose origin i haven't the faintest clue.  there are simply too many possible options..

still, every time i discover one of these inevitable injuries i stare and i think and i think and i think...."when did this happen?  how did this happen?"  today, as i was massaging lotion into my legs after my shower a familiar stinging sensation alerted me to the 6 small cuts on my left knee.  i stared and i thought....and eventually i decided that it was probably that semi-nasty fall i had when i was running to my car in the rain the other day.  who knows for sure, but my mind simply wouldn't let it go until i decided on the source.

i seem to have the same issues in life sometimes.  i'm just continuing along with my life when suddenly something or someone triggers a reaction and all of a sudden i recognize this pain that i never knew existed in my soul.  (yeah, i just went there.  ...my soul.  but it's true.)  and sometimes i know exactly where the pain is coming from - which crappy guy or past heart hurt is the cause.  other times, though, it's simply a mystery injury.

after a decade of dating all the wrong guys and a myriad of bad experiences with them, well, one can end up with a few of these latent pains.  they go undetected for months, sometimes years at a time and then they surface in the midst of the most random moments.

luckily, like the 6 small cuts on my knee, once these mystery injuries are discovered it's much easier to speed up the healing process.  it's only a matter of time before the cuts scab over and are eventually cured.  and if i've done a good job with proper care, then i won't even have any scars as reminders.

it's a small world after all

catchy title, but no, i'm not talking about that creepy ride at disney. -->



today while i was trying to track down an old grad school classmate of mine, i noticed a photo of said grad school classmate and one of my classmates from undergrad.  i couldn't help but freeze.  i stared at the photo, bewildered.

how do these two people know each other?

one is from the northeast and went to college in west virginia, the other is from north carolina where our grad school is as well.  i was so confused...  has that ever happened to you?  when you realize that two people you know for two completely different reasons happen to know each other?

it just goes to prove that as vast as this world seems at times, it really is quite small.

it made me think about tragedies like 9/11, hurricane katrina, the earthquake in japan or the tornadoes in joplin.  it's kind of sick, but we always want to have a personal connection to the tragedy.  like, even though i've never been to japan, there is an international student at pfeiffer (whom i've only spoken to twice) who is from japan and his family is fine because they didn't live where the earthquake hit but he knew some people who knew some people who did live there.  because i know him, i have a connection to the earthquake. 

i remember similar scenarios on 9/11.  i remember sitting in my residence hall room hearing girls on the hall talking about relatives who worked for businesses that had offices in the world trade center buildings (even though the branches they worked for were in completely different states) and girls crying inconsolably about friends who had enlisted in the military after high school (although when asked about their 'friends' we found out that they didn't even know the last names of these classmates because they'd actually never talked to them in their lifetime).

and what about the people who claim that they were a little league baseball coach to the latest american idol or the 3rd grade teacher of an olympic swimmer.  why do we care what these people have to say?  (unless, of course, the star names that coach or teacher as a true inspiration for their aspirations in life.)

we want some semblance of fame.  we want to be able to personally identify with these situations, whether stardom or tragedy.  we want to be included in the news coverage.  we want to be news-worthy.

so why is it when we see funding for public education cut to pieces we remain silent?  why is it that we forget about the hungry and homeless in our own communities until we see a commercial on tv (but even then too often we shed one silent tear and then go on with our lives as if we never heard the news)?  why is it that we assume that someone else will fix the problem, that someone else will give, someone else will care?

we have got to start caring for our neighbors - around the world, throughout our nation, and within our communities.  we have a responsibility to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, the give shelter to the homeless, to love the forgotten....because people, it is a small world after all.

catching up with change

pete chews shoes. he chews shoes and glasses. and magazines and boxes. and pretty much anything but furniture (thank goodness for that small miracle).

i love pete.  i also love my shoes.  so pete has spent the past two weeks with a dog trainer in concord.

on friday i went to pick up pete and we had our first lesson with the trainer together.  pete tested me.  oh boy did he test me.  as lindsay said, "he knows the rules.  he knows that i enforce the rules.  he also knows that you've never known the rules before.  you have to show him that you know the rules now too."  it only took a few tries before he realized that the change he experienced for those two weeks weren't just temporary, until he realized that i knew the rules too.  i had to learn the trigger words lindsay used with him and just when and how to say those words to get the reaction pete had been taught. 

pete is a different dog, people.  truly.  i cannot say enough good things about swiftdogz and our trainer, lindsay.  pete is still full of energy and probably the happiest dog on the planet, but he now listens in ways he never did before.  we learned "base" training, which is actually quite similar to super nanny's "naughty step", only it's not just for being naughty.  pete has a base, or a space that is his and only his.  i physically place him on his base and say "pete, base" and he stays.  he doesn't leave his base until i invite him off of it.  it's genius!  it works really well when he's super energized and needs to calm down or when he gets under foot as i'm trying to cook in the kitchen.  i can't believe how much he has changed.  how much we have changed...

my friend katy just returned from a trip to germany.  we met today at a park in salisbury to get our pups together (pete and ellie are best of friends) and catch up on our lives.  katy was a different person than the girl who left for germany just a short week ago.  she's still the same old sweet friend, but she's experienced life in a new way that has effected her in ways that cannot be undone.  the changes my be subtle, but they're there.  the trip was for class, but it was also about discovering herself in the freedom of anonymity.  her observations in people are slightly different and our conversation topics are a big more colorful.  just like with pete, i'm having to learn slightly new ways of interacting with her.

katy's was the first return to america of many friends of mine who are gallivanting across the world right now.  each one of them will have been changed.  some in big ways, and some in small subtle, almost forgettable ways.  but traveling isn't the only experience that changes us.  sometimes it's as simple as a moment.  one quick moment during your typically mundane life when something clicks in your soul and you have been changed.  and when you change, you have to give the people around you time to catch up.

i think that's why things like marriage counseling and al-anon exist.  because when someone changes, the significant people in their lives have to catch up with that change too.  sure, a person can go to counseling or attend aa meetings alone, but what good will that do if their family and friends don't support it or maybe don't even recognize the change at all?  sometimes you need that time together to work through that change, learning the triggers and the reactions so that you can communicate better with this newer version of someone you care about.