living together: yes or no?

someone asked me the other day how i felt about living with your partner without the promise of marriage. he was surprised by my response.

i prefaced my response by articulating my recognition of the fact that not everyone is as defensive about their lives as i am. so while i understand that what is best for me may not be best for everyone, i think that my reasoning may raise some good questions for him to ask himself before jumping into an apartment with his girlfriend too quickly.

most people think that i'm against non-marital cohabitation for conservative religious reasons. usually they think i just blindly believe that no one should live together because it implies sex outside of marriage and surely i would think that's an evil sin. they aren't exactly correct in their assumptions.

a summary of my beliefs in this arena:

1. i believe in gay marriage, so until that is acknowledged in all corners of the world then there will always be people in solid, beautiful, God-formed relationships living together without a marriage license. so, clearly the idea that living together outside of marriage is an evil sin is not an idea that i agree with.
2. i believe that the biblical stance on sex outside of marriage is less about the physical nature of the act and more about the mental and emotional implications of tying yourself to another person so completely. so, do i think that all sex outside of marriage is an evil sin? no. but do i think that there are very real implications for sexual relationships both outside and inside of a marriage? absolutely. (if you want to read more on this, check out rob bell's sex god, or, my favorite, lauren winner's real sex.)

now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to this blog.

i've heard a lot of great arguments in support of non-marital cohabitation. i get all of the postmodern "you have to know if you can live with the person, day in and day out" justifications and i understand that it really is important to realize what exactly you're getting into, but i think that's the very reason i don't think i could ever do it.

(are you confused yet? to sum up so far: i'm not against living together, i just don't think it's for me.)

i'm simply not strong enough to let someone so completely into my life without the guarantee that they won't disappear one day. and i know, i know...i know that signing a paper license makes no guarantees either, but i have to believe that standing before God, family and friends and declaring our commitment to one another makes walking away something very different from simply moving out of an apartment i shared with a guy i've dated for a few months.

as a creature of habit, the idea of living with someone day in and day out scares the heck out of me. i've been on my own for a long time now and i have my own particular way of doing things. creating new habits, new routines, new consistency with someone else will be hard work for me. really hard work. (are you appreciating yet just how much a hate change? because if not i can add another "really" with a capital R, or even all caps if that will make the message loud and clear.)

i think when you live with someone, when you offer your whole vulnerable self to that other person, that's an enormous risk to take. contrary to what some people may think, for me, it's not about the whole "your body is a temple" pre-marital sex stuff. it's about making sure that i'm prepared for the consequences, should an end come one day.

for example, here i am lying in bed, completely unsettled because my dog pete has chosen to sleep on the couch instead of cuddling up with me for the night. i can't get comfortable because "comfortable" for me now requires a warm dog curled up at my side whimpering through his nightmares.

what happens when comfortable means coming home every day to the same wonderful man to talk and laugh about our days at work? what happens when comfortable means sharing breakfast and dinner with the same person every day? what happens when cleaning the house takes half the time because he takes half of the chores? what happens when i depend on him to fix my car or remind me to make the regular six-month appointment with the dentist that i always forget? what happens when my stuff becomes his stuff and his stuff becomes mine?

wonderful happens, that's what.

but what happens when it ends?

that, my friends, is what makes me believe that i could never live with someone outside of marriage. because sharing life so intimately with someone else after having been so independent for so long will be difficult enough for me. having that all taken away? i think that's more then i could handle.

bedtime confession

confession: sometimes i sleep in the guest bed because my bed feels too crowded.

sure, i have an angry cat who likes to crawl on my face at night and a sixty pound pup who sprawls out like the bed is all his, but that's not really what causes the claustrophobia.

in the quiet of the night i'm haunted equally by the dark memories of regrets and the memories of better times. my heart starts racing and my mind sprints to keep up. suddenly, i am surrounded by my ghosts.

by grandpa and his quiet smile.
by that little boy in englewood who just wanted to be held.
by songs that touch my soul.
by stories that stretch my imagination.
by the hearts i've broken.
by the heart that broke mine.
by friendships built on mutual quirkiness.
by friendships that ended over trivial matters.
by the fact that i'm not living as "green" as i'd like.
by the fact that i never really knew my mother's father.
by stolen moments with strangers.
by swings that seemed to send us to the heavens.
by angry emails in my inbox.
by lyrics that can't seem to leave my head.
by questions for the Creator.
by questioning my self.

sometimes it just gets to be too much
and i can't handle it.

so i walk down the hall and crawl into a bed that's cold from a long vacancy.
sometimes the pets follow, but somehow the ghosts never do.

sudden loss

on a night like this, when stories of heartbreak and fear, frustration and even death are found on the other end of the telephone line, i pray.

i realize that we are holidays away from the season, but the spirit of easter is with me tonight.

i pray the prayer of good friday.

i pray the prayer of holy saturday.

i pray that easter will come for those suffering from such devastating life stories right now. i pray for the hope that comes with easter morning, all the while remembering that easter sunday doesn't bring with it the resolve of answers. if anything, it raises more questions.

but it brings hope. hope of a tomorrow without pain. hope of a life without death. hope of life everlasting.

and so my friends,
feel the pain of good friday.
experience fully the depth and breadth of utter heart-wrenching loss.

and feel the confusion of holy saturday.
the frustration of waiting for a future you're unsure will ever actually become reality.

just don't be so blinded by the loss that you don't recognize easter when it arrives...

regret

i miss the way your personality could light up any room.
the way the mere mention of your name could make people laugh and dance.

i miss the way your whole body would turn serious when you were arguing your point.
the way your whole stance would change and the light in your eyes would change from green to grey.

i miss the way you were always right.
or at least you thought you were...

i miss the way you knew something about absolutely everything.
the way your mind could remember every bit of information you had ever heard.

i miss the way you would smile at me from across the room.
the way the room seemed to part like the red sea and you could hear the distant movie score.

i miss the way you held my hand under the table so no one would see just how sweet you can be.
because those sweet little moments were the best of my life...

i miss the way you let me think i was meek, but loved the bold me better.
the way you didn't mind that i was a strong-willed, stubborn woman who only pretended to be laid back.

i miss the way you would text me loving words while we were sitting in a room full of friends.
the way you would remind me that you were mine and i was yours.

i miss the way you would kiss my forehead and make me feel for even just a moment like i was the only girl in the world.

i miss a lot of things about you.
...about us.

but i don't miss you.

parenting 101

lessons i've learned from observing my neighbor's superb child-rearing skills.

1) if your child is screaming bloody murder, it is best to lock her outside of the apartment for 15 minutes until one of your neighbors knocks on your door to ask why you seem to find enjoyment out of torturing your children.

2) play your music deafeningly loud and you'll never hear the kids screaming anyway.

3) if it's rainy outside, don't worry! the open staircase between the first and second floors makes the perfect jungle gym!

3b) there's also a great cardio track if you send the children running down the first floor hallway, up the south staircase, up the second floor hallway and down the north staircase. and don't forget to encourage them to stomp down the stairs as loudly as possibly, complete with a full force jump at the end. luckily, the entire space is open so you can hear them no matter where they run!

4) when your child purposefully damages your neighbors property, simply pretend like you don't understand the english language.

5) teach your children to run toward large energetic puppies. furthermore, make sure to remind them to plunge their hands back and forth toward the dog's face.

6) if you really want to teach your children to make friends with their new dog-friends and neighbors, teach them to feed the dog horrible things like paper and sticks and kids meal toys.

7) children perform best at school when they've had as little sleep as possible, so be sure to keep them up until approximately 3am every night.

8) don't teach your children boundaries. and make sure that they know to talk to any and all strangers. at any time of day or night. whether they have shown their complete disdain for you or not.

a shared heartbeat

i should be reading for book club tomorrow, but instead i am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading an article someone posted to facebook this evening.

"iowa couple married for 72 years dies holding hands, an hour apart"

i may not be a sappy person, but i couldn't resist the article after seeing that title. as i read, i found tears forming just behind my eyelashes desperate to escape down my cheeks.

the article recounts the story of an elderly couple involved in a car accident on their way into town. the couple was sent to the emergency room, but it was eventually determined that they would not survive their injuries. they were then moved to a room where their beds could be close enough together to hold hands.

"'they joined hands; his right hand, her left hand,' sheets said.

gordon yeager died at 3:38 pm. he was no longer breathing, but the family was surprised by what his monitor showed.

'someone in there said, 'why, then, when we look at the monitor is the heart still beating?' sheets recalled.

'the nurse said dad was picking up mom's heartbeat through mom's hand'

'and we thought, 'oh my gosh, mom's heart is beating through him,' dennis yeager said."

...her heart was beating through him.


last night as i was caring for pete's sore feet and itchy face, i couldn't help but cry. his face was itching relentlessly and he had chewed his feet so badly that they were painfully raw. i searched him for fleas. i checked for injuries. i felt his hurried heart beat. i was determined to find out what was wrong and fix it for him. i researched online. i called his old vet in NC. i did everything short of going to a 24 hour animal hospital.

eventually though, i simply held him in my arms and rocked him gently, trying to calm his anxiety. i didn't know what to do to help him calm down but to love him, which somehow worked more than any of the other methods i attempted. eventually his heart beat slowed to a normal pace and either the itching ceased or he was too tired to fight it any longer.

today i started him on a steroid, bathed him in an awesome new dog shampoo, treated his feet, trimmed his nails and even bought a cone of shame in case he still went after his poor little feet. i don't know if it was the pill, the shampoo, treatment, or the threat of the cone, but he is itch free. he hasn't touched his feet and hasn't scratched his face this evening. he is a tired, but happy puppy again. last night, however, the only thing that would comfort him was for me to hold him close to my heart and let him feel my calm.

because sometimes there is nothing we can do for one another but share a heartbeat. i wonder if that is what gordon and norma were for each other in those last moments - a shared heartbeat, a calm spirit, a common love.

"'dad used to say that a woman is always worth waiting for,' dennis yeager said. 'dad waited an hour for her and held the door for her.'"

the bass who reads braille

church was extravagant this morning. and not in a "i can't believe they spent this much money on all of this. shouldn't we be feeding the hungry in our town?" kind of way.

the church orchestra was in rare form. it must be all the extra practices they've been holding in preparation for this weekend's performances of "jesus christ superstar".

i have two confessions. 1) i was late to church this morning and slipped into the balcony during the first hymn. 2) for the first few minutes of the service i wasn't really focused on God, as i was busy admiring the music, most especially the lively upright bass player and the strong voice of the man standing next to me.

as i watched the orchestra with awe, i couldn't help but notice something sticking out in the chorale scenery above. as my eyes scanned upward, i spotted what had been catching my eye.

the chorale is always a picture of perfection. robes hemmed at just the right length. music held at just the right angle. eyes fixed upon the musical director. standing and sitting silently together on cue.

but this week was different. there was a bass holding his music flat against his chest. at first i thought there might be an infliction of his hands, but then i saw it. his fingers were gracefully scanning the pages. he was blind.

he is blind. and yet he reads music. can you imagine the discipline that takes? i don't know that i have the determination to conquer such a quest, but from now on every time i feel like something is too difficult i will think of the bass who reads braille and recalculate my efforts.

esse quam videri

"so how are you feeling, now that you're back from your trip to north carolina? are you still glad that you took this job?" my boss asked me on thursday in our first one-on-one meeting since my return.

yes.

because my happiness in my 6 years in north carolina had very little to do with the work that i did over those years and everything to do with the people who surrounded me. conversely, my happiness in indiana has everything to do with my work and very little to do with the people here. because let's face it...i can count the friends i've met on one hand.

i am truly happy here. i am. i'm not saying that to convince myself, but to assure my faithful readers that this is not going to be a blog about how much i hate indiana. i go to work every day excited about the work i have to do. i come home every evening thrilled that i get to cook my own meals with time to spare for a good work out. for the first time in my life, my weekends are truly sabbath days to enjoy farmers markets and hiking trails and dog parks and reading books and enjoying the silence and anything else i choose to do.

and i have met some absolutely fantastic people at work who are truly wonderful women.

but then i go back to charlotte and i smile until my cheeks are sore and laugh until my belly tightens up like a corset and i struggle to breathe. i toast a beer with friends who were by my side through bad decision after bad decision, but loved me anyway. i lie in bed with two of my best friends, cuddling with their three dogs and giggling about cute mountain men and krispy kreme doughnuts. i share a meal with friends who were my family as i struggled through heartbreak, dealt with the loss of family members, spent holidays away from my parents and fought my way out of a deep depression. i talk with my old roommate and it feels like just yesterday we were packing up our house in west virginia and moving to this queen city to start a new life.

and i am reminded why north carolina will always be in my heart. because it became my home.

my friend katie and i were talking one night about a year ago that we were ready for another tattoo. i got my first tattoo shortly after meeting her and she got her first while we were living together in the village. we went through a lot during our time together. we helped each other through some really difficult times in our lives. there were a lot of reasons why we wanted to erase the north carolina chapters from our memories - horrible heartbreaks, lousy jobs and a myriad of poor decisions.

but the state was good for something - each other. north carolina had brought us into each others' lives and that was worth remembering. and i know that statement is filled to the brim with cheesiness, but it's the truth.

so we started looking for an image or a word or a symbol, something that could signify our time in north carolina and the friendship that had been created. possibilities were considered, but when we found the north carolina state motto in our research we knew exactly what our next tattoo would be.

esse quam videri.
to be rather than to seem.

the people that i spent time with in north carolina are some of the few people on this planet with whom i can truly be myself. there is no act. there are no lies. there is no awkwardness, no self-consciousness, no fear of judgment. i can just be me and know that they love me.

as i continue to build my community here in indiana, i just keep reminding myself that this community that i left behind me when i moved for this new job, well, i didn't know anyone but kara and monica when i moved there. if i can do it once, i can do it again.

and if i'm going to build that community here, then i need to remember to be myself. because acting like someone else, or faking who you are, only creates fake friendships. only when you are truly yourself can you create true community. esse quam videri.

i run.

pete is desperate for friends right now. (...so am i.) the move has really been rough on him. (and if i'm honest...me too.) he had regular puppy play dates in the village. he played with his dog pals nearly every day of the week and it's now been three months since the big move and he's only played with one other dog for a grand total of two hours one month ago.

today, while we were taking our daily run around the apartment complex, i noticed his ears perk every time we passed another dog. whether they were indoors or out on a walk, every dog sparked his interest. it is so clear that he wants so desperately to just run around and play with another pup. but i held true to my determination to get in those miles before the rains came. i kept him moving along every time.

it didn't stop him, though, from continuing to spot every dog and staring them down as long as he could. sometimes i even had to give him a little tug on the leash to remind him that we were not going to succumb to any distractions. i have a goal for pete and i. for me, i want to feel good about my body for once in my life. for pete, i need him to release some major energy so he isn't such a crazy mess in the evenings.

so we kept on running. we didn't stop. not when the prissy little yorkie yipped at pete and tried to start a fight. not when the black lab took a playful stance and beckoned pete to come and play then barked fiercely when pete started toward him. not when the bulldog sat and stared us down like we were the enemy. not even when the absolutely adorable beagle wagged his tail and cheerfully joined us on the run for as long as she could keep up. we kept on running.

sometimes i wonder if i've passed up some great things because i was too focused on what was ahead of me. sure, this can be a good thing. passing up jobs or men or friendships or opportunities that simply weren't positive influences has been a good thing. passing up on them because they were degrading or mundane or unhealthy or ...simply not enough. passing on the yorkie, passing on the lab, passing on the bulldog - these were good choices.

but what about the beagles of my life? the opportunities and the people who came into my life and for lack of true acknowledgement or a ridiculous loyalty to a senseless hurried pace, i kept on running.

while i am still learning the ins and outs of becoming a physical runner, i am an expert on the practice of running from my life sometimes. i dismiss the pilot who gives me his number because "i have a plane to catch. besides, he can't really be interested in me." or when i don't even print out the application for the internship in paris because "i've already promised to move to charlotte with kara. it may only be february, but i can't back out now." 

i don't share this to dwell on the "could have been"s. that's a waste of time. i share because i don't want reach the end of my life and realize that it was chock full of "could have been"s. from now on, i want to be known as someone who took the time to acknowledge life around me. i want to be known as someone who took advantage of every positive opportunity that came her way. i want to be known for more than just someone who pursued her goals, but as someone who truly lived.

this is not to say that i will let pete play with every dog we meet during our evening run. but maybe once in a while we'll walk instead, and we'll say hello to the people and the puppies we meet on the street. who knows, maybe that beagle will be pete's new best friend. (...heck, maybe i'll find a new friend too.)

being myself ...but better

"i just hope that you aren't changing who you are for this..."

she said it so seriously that the tension in the room almost made me giggle. (i laugh when i'm nervous, but anyone reading this knows that about me already.)

katie has been a best friend almost since the day i met her. she has always allowed me to be myself. actually, she's begged me to be myself every moment that we are together. if i am anything but truly me, she automatically questions it.

i love this about her. i love this about our friendship.

so the other night when she asked me if i was somehow changing who i am for my job, well, i hesitated. i haven't felt like i needed to change anything for my job. ...but katie knows me so well. maybe she is seeing something i don't?

people said the same thing when i joined my fraternity ten years ago. i remember one longtime friend in particular saying, "what, now you're going to be a barbie or something?"

i didn't have the right words for those friends ten years ago, and i didn't have a good explanation for katie either. but i think i do now. (i'm an internal processor. i need time to think about things before i respond.)

for the past few years i lived in a village. a VILLAGE, people. it's not like i completely let myself go to the point of needing an intervention or anything, but i surely wasn't taking care of myself either. what was the point? there was nowhere to grow in my job. and the most interaction i saw each day was with college students who thought pajamas were acceptable for class and mac 'n' cheese should be considered as a food group of its own. who did i have to impress? where was my challenge?

now that i am back among the living, i care a little more. this is a good thing.

i have been more thoughtful of my appearance than i have been in recent years. and yes, i have been more concerned with physical fitness and healthy nutrition. the same thought processes changed when i made my decision that fateful bid day friday ten years ago.

because membership in my fraternity makes me want to be better.

and not just better looking, although those are the easiest to recognize at first glance. i have a renewed connection to my faith. a renewed commitment to seeking social justice. a renewed positivity in what each day can bring.

our new fraternity tagline charges us to "live with purpose" and i intend to live with purpose every day. so, i purposefully style my appearance not to distract from my intelligence. i purposefully make healthy living a priority. i purposefully try to find new ways to challenge myself and my creativity. i purposefully seek out opportunities to contribute to my community.

if membership in an organization doesn't make you want to be a better person, then what's the point? and if the work you do each day doesn't challenge you to seek more, to learn more, to do more, to be more, then maybe it's time to find another job.