love lessons

(bliss = lounging at grandma and grandpa's)

love lessons i've learned from my dog:

1. he kisses all my tears away. if i am crying, pete is sure to be at my side, kissing every tear from my face. he's taught me that love cannot erase the hurt i experience through life, but the one who loves me will be by my side, swallowing every tear with me until i'm ready to stand again.

2. he interrupts my couch office time. like most of you, it's not uncommon for work to come home with me. when it does, i set up office on the couch. pete hates this. sometimes he desperately tries to distract me away from the work only to give up and curl up next to me. the times when he carries his rawhide bones and drops them at my feet, though? well, i simply can't resist. i take a break, pick up the bone and we play. he's taught me that no matter the deadline or the project or the pressure, there's always time to share life with the one you love by doing that which makes them happiest.

3. he forgets to eat. my parents make fun of me, but sometimes i have to hand feed pete's food to him. it's the only way he'll actually eat it. he's taught me that love is about giving and receiving - just as he cares for me, sometimes i have to be the comforter and encourager.

4. he wants to make me happy. years ago, pete spent three weeks with a trainer, then he was returned to me and we continued training together for several more weeks. our trainer was astonished at how acutely pete's emotions were connected to my own. if i was happy, pete was happy. if i was upset, pete was upset. you can really see every emotion in his sweet face. training pete was not difficult, because he desperately wanted me to be happy with him. he's taught me that when you love someone, you pay attention to their emotions, that sometimes you can only be happy if the other is too.

5. he sometimes scratches me. he's even been known to draw blood. he doesn't mean to. he still has so much puppy energy that we simply haven't figured out the balance between playtime and every other minute of the day. he's taught me that getting to know someone else takes time, and even years down the road you're still learning where the lines are drawn.

6. he has a short memory. pete is in his crate every day while i am at the office, and sometimes i get home from work only to return him to the crate so i can go shopping or meet up with friends. i hate this. i hate that i don't trust him in the apartment alone and that i can't afford those awesome doggy daycare places. and let's not forget that there have been days when i have simply forgotten to give him his allergy pills, until he's scratching his belly raw as we're going to bed. and yet, he forgives me every time. he's taught me that when you love someone, you work together to be better beings and to better care for one another; and when one of you fails, you respond with grace.

the dress that defied gravity

“that dress defies gravity.” when he finally decided to talk to me, this is what he said.

the dress did exactly what it was supposed to do: grab his attention and show him what is no longer his.

i have no idea what defying gravity has to do with a dress, but it was clear that he meant it as the highest of compliments. it was said dozens of times throughout the night. and each time, the wall i built between my head and my heart crumbled and the line between good and evil blurred.

the woman who caught his attention with her fabulous style and radiating confidence was reduced to the girl who melted every time his eyes caught hers.

and his wasn’t the only attention caught. another old flame was in the room that night and he had words for the dress as well. he gave me a mouthful.

apparently the best parts about me when we were (almost/kinda/sorta) together have magnified over the years. apparently indianapolis has been good to me. apparently i have a new confidence that is intoxicating. apparently he always wanted to be with me, but that he figured it out too late and i had already moved on to [former flame mentioned above]. apparently they have always fought over me. apparently they were fighting for my attention all night. apparently he felt like he was winning. apparently our kiss back in college was epic.

apparently he felt that he was never good enough for me. apparently he felt that i never chose him.

interesting. because i never thought i was good enough for him. never good enough for either of them. and i chose them every time in the past. every single time. they simply never chose me.

their attention was addictive. i ate it up when i should have walked away.



at the end of the night, one begged for a kiss.
at the end of the night, i refused.

in the morning, the other sent a text asking to rekindle the past.
in the morning, i cried, wondering if i would ever experience a love worth rekindling.
wondering if i would ever experience a love that needed no rekindling because it actually lasted.

wondering if i'll ever be the somebody that somebody chooses.

30.b4.30 - the kill order

i've been telling everyone about the maze runner series for about a year now. i was looking for something to read after the hunger games, and my middle school lit teacher best friend suggested it. i read the first book in two days. the next two books of the series were finished shortly thereafter. then, there was talk of a fourth book: the kill order, a prequel to the trilogy. i had to read it.

but i didn't. not right away, at least. instead, i put it on my christmas wish list.

everyone around me was reading it. all these people i had sold the idea of this fabulous book series to were reading ahead of me and i was left behind.

so after months of hushing friends before they ruined the secrets of the book, i gave in. i went online and reserved a copy at the library. two days before leaving indy for christmas holiday, i picked it up. two days into my christmas holiday in ohio, i finished the book.

it was STUNNING. it was bloody and nasty and thrilling and mysterious and everything i expected it to be. it answered the questions the trilogy had left wide open and it left me with a sense of closure the last had left me wanting.

i was blissfully content.

until today, when i unwrapped a gift from my parents: the kill order. it was on my list, and they were devastated when they saw me reading it when i arrived to town. i thanked them and explained that i owned the other books, so it would be nice to add this one to the collection, even if i had already read it.

then i noticed that the cover said that this edition of the book had "barnes and noble exclusive" top secrets from WICKED (that's an organization in the book - if you read it, you'll know what it is). i quickly turned to the back and found an extra chapter. a short chapter, revealing one last secret. answering one last question. coloring the characters that much brighter. telling the story that much fuller.

i am content with my life. i find happiness every day. and every day i feel loved. but sometimes i wonder...what if a better life is out there waiting for me? what if i've settled for something less than i could be? what if there is a different edition of my life's story, with a "barnes and noble exclusive" extra chapter...revealing another secret, answering another question, coloring brighter characters, telling a fuller story?

maybe i've settled for the library loaner life, but i guess you could say that the exclusive edition is still on my wish list.

family dinners

last night, i introduced my friend katie to some of my oldest and dearest friends at a monthly family dinner tradition. she was skeptical, to say the least. she always has been. how could i still be friends with the same people i sat next to in grade school? there's no way that people maintain solid friendships over so many years, across such distances and amidst varying life stages?

last night she was proven wrong.

these people are not just old friends. they are friends of today too.

it was almost surreal, seeing two of my worlds come together so quietly. friends who have been a part of my life for as long as i can remember and have stuck with me, despite it all, and katie, who was my friend and roommate and it's safe to say that we saved each other through two pretty traumatic events that solidified our friendship as one for a lifetime. i think i was simply observing the conversational dance that played out throughout the evening.

my grateful heart also took time to recognize just how blessed i am to have friends around that table and elsewhere who have found such incredible partners in their spouses. they married only one, but they got the friends as bonuses. they are men and women who have embraced me and welcomed me into their lives as well.

heck, one friend's husband called me a couple of weeks ago to get my thoughts on his big family present for this christmas. he has welcomed me at family dinners, surprised his wife with weekend getaways with me and has even invited me to join their family vacations. he's more than just my friend's husband. he's become my friend too. i don't know that i can ever express just how thankful i am that she found such a man who loves her so incredibly AND a man who accepts my crazy friendship as part of the packaged deal.

then tonight, as i was sitting down to dinner at my grandma's, i got the phone call that i knew was coming. another dear friend is now engaged to be married. and i am thrilled to say that he is a man who not only values her and loves her and challenges her and accepts her and builds her up and brings out the best in her, he also values her friendship with me and allows us to be our silly selves whenever i am in town. i look forward to the family dinners i will have with the two of them as they start their married life.

i am blessed. far more than i could ever put into words on a page. blessed with beautiful lifelong friends. and blessed with the new friendships i have found in the men and women my friends have chosen to spend their lives with.

and to the gentleman who is now engaged to one of my dearest: welcome to the family :)

right in front of his eyes

mom wanted to try an enticing new recipe for marmalade glazed carrots for thanksgiving this year and i was put in charge of cutting the carrots. pete anxiously sat next to me as i cut carrot after carrot.

as i worked at the cutting board on the counter, a carrot fell to the ground. pete didn't notice. he was zeroed in on the pile of cut carrots on the cutting board.

so i tried getting his attention by saying his name. "pete." "pete!" "PETE!"
he didn't even blink.

then i tried pointing at the carrot with my toe (my hands were busy with the knife and carrots). you can imagine a lazy ballerina practicing her battement tendus.
he did nothing.

finally i tried giving him a little nudge with my foot. even mom tried coaxing him to the carrot. still, he wouldn't break his gaze on the mound of carrots that were out of his reach on the counter.

he was so focused on the pile that would never be his, that he didn't notice the little piece of heaven just under his nose.

i'm like that too sometimes.

are you? what happiness is right in front of your eyes that you've been missing?

grace

"for meat and drink, we thank Thee Lord
who stand round this fraternal board.
grant that our sisters everywhere
in Thy full grace and bounty share."
~ the alpha gamma delta grace

oftentimes, when we speak of "grace" we are talking about the undeserved forgiving love one has for another. the grace we say before a meal is different. it has been shortened from the word "graces", which is from the latin "gratiarum actio" or the italian "grazie", meaning thanksgiving or thanks.

the history of saying grace goes far back into history. for christians, we see Christ model breaking bread and giving thanks for it before partaking (acts 27:35) and are reminded of this every time the bread is broken as we celebrate holy communion.

saying grace before a meal, then, is a reminder of communion. communion not only with our Creator, but with each other. and when we sing the alpha gam grace, we break bread together as sisters and we thank our Awesome Parent for all who gathered around the table.

it's important to note, that we don't only thank God for those who are with us, but we also ask the Almighty to care for our sisters everywhere. we ask that grace - that undeserved, forgiving, unconditional, sacrificial love - wash over each sister, that they may never go hungry for nourishment of the body or the soul.

tonight, i pray the alpha gamma delta grace. over and over again. that each sister may know the love of their sisters and the love of the Wonderful One.

a tale of five cities

i've written a lot about charlotte. about how it became home over the years. about how the people there are my family. about how much i miss it sometimes.

as i drove away from the city this morning, i wondered....will i ever feel the way about another place and another people, the way i did about charlotte?

of course i will. because i've lived several places in my life, and each city holds a special place in my heart.

my love for coshocton seems to grow, more and more, as the years go by. i may have dogged the place as a teenager, but it's home. the people are constant and the welcome is eternal.

buckhannon was the first place i ever felt free. i made a lot of stupid decisions, but i lived with abandon.

lewisburg was my training ground. could i be an adult? could i live on my own? could i make it in the professional world? was ministry really for me? lewisburg taught me how not to lose myself in adulthood.

charlotte was like college, round two. i made a lot of stupid decisions, and i loved with abandon.

and then there was misenheimer. it's hard to separate the village from the college. similarly, it's hard to separate my personal life from my professional life. this is where the lines began to blur and my role as a workaholic was birthed.

now, indianapolis. the cross roads of america. where i feel like i am at a cross road in my life. i'm not sure exactly where i'm headed, but i feel like my next few years in indianapolis are going to be important ones. something big is on the horizon - i can feel it. can you?

walking on broken glass

loading the dishwasher. that's when it happened. again. (the third time in the past week.)

i reached down and pulled a small shard of glass out of my foot. this one was really in there. it stung as i pulled it out and immediately began bleeding. i hobbled over to the bathroom to get a bandaid and now i can barely tell that anything happened at all.

a little over a week ago, i left a glass of water on the kitchen counter. big mistake. as can be expected, mr. darcy kicked it off of the counter and it shattered on the floor.

i don't think that i saw it for two days. i was so busy, that i simply didn't notice. luckily, when i finally did walk into the kitchen i was wearing sneakers. i heard the glass crunch beneath my foot and i froze, looked down and started cleaning up the mess.

it was easy to pick up the large chunks with my fingers. it's the tiny pieces that cause trouble. no matter how many times i swept the floor, there always seemed to be more. until finally there wasn't, and i thought the floor was clear.

and yet, i keep finding tiny shards of glass in my feet. it doesn't happen every day. and it won't happen forever. but it hurts when it does...

this is what happens when things shatter. the broken pieces seem to surprise by tearing into you time and time again, until you've found every single one and cleared them away.

permission granted

"i just don't feel like i have the right to be sad about this," a friend said to me today. the very moment the words escaped her lips, my heart sank.

how often do we limit ourselves like this? we don't allow ourselves to feel certain emotions because we think that it wouldn't be allowed or that we couldn't handle it. we don't allow ourselves fully experience the utter joy in a moment because we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. we don't allow ourselves to feel pain and loss over a death, because we weren't as close to him as others were.

we create these arbitrary rules for what is allowed and what simply is not okay.
key word = arbitrary.

here is what i wish to say to everyone out there who is struggling with their emotions right now:

you have permission to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. 

you really can't control your feelings. so go ahead - be sad, be betrayed, be joyful, be confused, be conflicted, be anything that you are feeling because if you are having to tell yourself that you are not allowed to feel these things, well, you're most likely already feeling them anyway.

hidden harm

shortly after i adopted pete, he underwent surgery to remove a lump on his side.

well, it was a lump originally. i first noticed it within days of bringing him home. it was as small as a bug bite and the vet said not to worry about it.

but it grew. and grew. and grew. until it was as large as a silver dollar.

then pete bit it and left a crater instead of a lump. so the vet cut all around the sore and sewed him back up.

he looked pretty brutal for a while. it made me cringe, just to look at it. when i would accidentally touch the stitches my entire body shivered with disgust. sure, i was disgusted. but he was mine. and i loved him. and i would have done anything to make him feel better.

today, you would barely know that he ever had those red stitches lining up along his side. he has a long scar, but his fur covers it up. unless you really pay attention, you'd never notice that some of the dark spots don't line up just right. you'd never know that he ever had surgery. you'd never know that he was ever hurt.


this past weekend a friend of mine facilitated a workshop with some college students. the workshop is designed to make them aware of how their decisions effect those around them. during a section on hidden harm, the unthinkable happened.

some of you will know what the buzz phrase "hidden harm" means, but for those of you who do not...here we go. hidden harm is the risk of everything you don't know. in the world of student development, it refers to the unknown history of a student's life.

during this workshop, the students are given scenarios to discuss. each scenario presents a student who is asked to do something that triggers something from their past that they'd rather not remember. in the middle of this activity, while talking about activities that may cause a student who was abused as a child to relive or at least recount those painful memories, like i said - the unthinkable happened.

the students laughed.
they LAUGHED.
they laughed at child abuse.

when my friend told me about this, i couldn't decide if i wanted to cry or if i wanted to vomit.

my disappointment in these students is more tremendous then i could ever put into words.

each of us have history. bags that we carry of varying weight. some days the bags may be more than our tired arms can stand. some days the bags are so light that we forget that they're even there. but we carry them. and like pete's scar, other people can't see it. we've covered up the scars with designer clothes or sarcastic humor.

maybe we've covered it up, but like pete, if you look closely you'll see that something just doesn't line up quite right.