before this fleeting season

Lord, before this fleeting season is upon us,

let me remember to walk slowly.
Lord, bless my heart with love and with quiet.
give my heart a leaning to hear carols.
grace our family with contentment,
and the peace that comes only from You.
Lord, help us to do less this busy season;
go less;
stay closer to home;
kneel more.
may our hearts be Your heart.
may we simply, peacefully, celebrate You.

~ maryann jindra

a day of thanks

what i am thankful for this day (and always), in no particular order:
1. my family. they can be wacky but i love them :)
2. coshocton. a lot of people dog this place (with perfectly good reason), but it will always be home.
3. the lake park playvillion. countless memories were made there and it's always fun to go back.
4. food. and not just food, but good fresh food. and the fact that i have never been hungry.
5. the thousands of individuals and organizations who are fighting world hunger.
6. my job. i love my job. i love empowering students to create their own college experience.
7. my students. pfeiffer has one-of-a-kind students who pour their hearts into their work/ministry/sport.
8. my coworkers. i work with an amazing team of passionate professionals.
9. the village people. the weekly "get ready for monday!" and "glee" parties with becca, katie, and katy keep me moving!
10. music. there is nothing in this world that makes me FEEL more than good music.
11. cold weather. sweaters and coats and scarves and boots - yes!
12. love. there can never be enough love in this world.
13. hate. i think it's okay to hate, as long as you're hating something like poverty or racism or greed.
14. my pillow. i have laid my head down on the same feather pillow since middle school. it's perfect.
15. laughter. there is not a sweeter sound on this earth.
16. Jesus, who needs no explanation.

expecting the unexpected

wednesday afternoon i received a call from the dealership where i do all the servicing for my car. the woman on the other end of the line asked what it would take for me to trade in my car and get a new one. she said that they had no hondas on their pre-owned lot and, being a honda dealership, this was a problem. i told her that i would only consider it if they lowered my monthly payment and didn't tack on more than 2 years of the financing i still had left on my current car. she asked me to come in the next morning, so i did.

i explained to justin, the salesman, that i was in no way interested in buying a new car. i love my car. it is a great car. it's not even three years old. it has treated me well and it was in perfect shape. justin agreed, which is why they wanted it on their used lot. he said that looked it over the last time it was in for an oil change and since i was such a loyal client, that they wanted to offer me $2000 more than the kelly blue book value of my car. (luckily, i had done my homework and checked this out the night before just in case he was going to try to swindle me! ...he didn't.) he gave me the numbers and ended up offering me a brand new version of the same exact car i had with a lower monthly payment and only added two more years to the financing i had with the old car.

students keep asking me how long i'm going to stay at pfeiffer. i think they are quickly realizing that as i finish my master's i have one less thing holding me to this place. they recognize that i am overworked and undersocialized. my entire life here is work. i get away every once in a while, but my closest ties are in places like ohio or charlotte or boston. social activity in misenheimer can be boring for students. it is utterly nonexistent for single young men and women. this is a good place to settle down with a family, but when you're on your own life can get pretty lonely out here.

my answer is always the same: "i have no plans on leaving."

am i looking at other jobs? of course, but not seriously. every young professional my age is always looking for ways to expand their experiences and build up their resume. i would be silly not to be looking, but that's all i'm doing - looking. i'm not searching.

i love my job. i love the students i work for and the staff i work with. i love the small school atmosphere and the dedication to our church-relatedness. i love that my superiors truly let my job be a ministry. i have no intentions on leaving.

but i had no intentions on trading in my old car, either. i drove onto that lot with a trunk full of pampered chef boxes to be delivered in ohio next week, a cup of tea in the cup holder, and a pile of mail in the back seat.

the only constant in life is to expect the unexpected.

the american dream

exhausted.
my body aching
my soul depleted
exhausted.

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
if i strive long enough
if i dream big enough
that i could do anything.

so i went to college.

counselor told me to build up a resume
so i double majored
i got all a's
i filled my schedule with
curriculars, co-curriculars, extra-curriculars
until there wasn't a minute left.
over 10,000 moments
of classes
and clubs
and meetings
and service
and projects
and lessons
and work
and...
and...

and...exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

all so i could get a job.

and get a job, i did.
three, in fact.

one to pay for a roof over my head
one to pay for food on my table
and one to pay for the transportation to get to the other two

who has time to dream
when you're working 95 hours a week?

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
strive long enough
believe firmly enough
that i could do anything.

exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

is this the american dream?

tenderheart

do you remember the care bears? i remember them from my childhood a little, but mostly i remember them from when they relaunched in 2002. i was in college at the time and nose deep in sorority life. my friend carrie chose "care bear" as her sorority nick name. (so much cooler than the generic "hav dawg" i was given...) her room was COVERED in care bears. blankets, stuffed animals, pillow cases - you name it, she had it.

one of my students, laura beth, can best be described as one with a gentle spirit and a tender heart. she cares so deeply for the feelings of others. it's taken me a while to warm up to who laura beth is because it is so different from how i tend to be.

for example, carrie wasn't the only one in college to catch on to the care bear craze. other friends bought bears as well. someone bought me "grumpy bear". if tenderheart is the the bear i would give laura beth, then what does it mean that i was given grumpy bear? what does that say about who i was and how i treated others?

i thank God for the laura beths of this world. we need them. to remind us of all that is good and pure in this world and to show us how to simply CARE for one another.

she shut down during one of our activities this morning. our facilitator, susan, from the general board of church and society was demonstrating the abuse people in poverty experience every day, without prepping the students for it, so they didn't know what was happening. all they knew was that she was yelling at them for not finishing the activity on time. "if only you were smarter - does pfeiffer just let ANYONE in?" "if only you worked harder!" "do you not care if you win or not?" "what's wrong with you??"

laura beth had enough. she had tried to speak up, but susan just spoke over her. she tried again. failed again. she ended up turning around in her chair and turning her back to the group circle. if she wouldn't be heard, then she wouldn't engage in the conversation at all.

eventually susan shared the purpose and brought it back to the issue of poverty and the students realized that she had only been pretending before.

what if everyone had done with laura beth did? what if everyone quit listening to susan? what if they left the room? who would she have been speaking to then? a leader who has no one listening to them is not a leader anymore. maybe we could correct some of the social issues in this world if only we would stop listening to those who are content with further silencing those without voices. maybe we could make this world a more tender hearted place...

memorials and memories

this morning we hit up dc's favorite past-time - the monuments! we started with the washington monument and worked our way through to the korean war memorial. what incredible artistry...

as we were walking solemnly through the world war II memorial i couldn't help but send my infamous "death-glare" glances toward an annoying group of middle school boys and girls who seemed more interested in flirting than anything else. i had just about had it when i noticed several war veterans and their wives approaching. anticipating the horror of how disrespected these men and women would be when face to face with the little terrors, i anxiously watched on.

what i saw next was something i will never forget.

the pre-teen boys quit their female counterparts, excitedly approached the older gentlemen in their uniform hats, and nervously asked if they would mind having their picture taken with them. my jaw dropped. in the exact moment when i thought all hope was lost for this next generation, they proved me wrong. in the exact moment when i thought these boys would completely dishonor how those men so graciously served, they treated them like the heroes that they are.

as they gathered for the photo, the men stood tall with their shoulders back and their heads held high. the boys timidly mimicked their every move. when at last it was time to take the photo, they all smiled from ear to ear. picture perfect.

babies. i got stuck with babies.

our morning began at 5am. we silently gathered ourselves for breakfast and walked out the door at 5:45am. as we emerged from the metro station to walk the 5 more blocks to s.o.m.e. the sun had still not broken the day. so many men and women were hurrying through the streets as if rushing to beat the daylight so as not to be seen by us regular folk.

we saw many of those people only an hour later as they came to s.o.m.e. for a hot breakfast. what they received was more than just some food, though. every plate was served with a loving “good morning”, every coffee poured with a smile.

we served over 250 guests and then walked toward the bus station. we passed some of our guests on the streets as we walked. in our devotion time tonight sarah shared that she noticed a man that she had served that morning and though she wanted to say hello, he decidedly avoided her eyes and stared at the ground. is it shame? is it fear? is it what our society has taught him to do because we avert our eyes too?

we eventually reached the bus stop and took the bus over to martha’s table where i got stuck with babies. yes, …babies. others were cleaning playgrounds or preparing food for the mobile soup kitchen, but i was put with the babies.

i think the kids could tell that i wasn’t a baby person. they just stared at me skeptically as i tried to force tiny spoonfuls of applesauce into their tight-lipped little mouths. then i was sent to another room with 9 children 3-15 months old. immediately i was directed to pick up a little crying boy named brian. he settled down rather quickly – seemed he just wanted to be held. i awkwardly walked him around the room while the two classroom teachers fed lunch to the rest of the kids.

one of the teachers kept calling over to brian, telling him that he was being spoiled rotten today. being held is being spoiled? more specifically, being held by a weird lady who doesn’t like kids and doesn’t know how to talk to them is somehow special? i guess when you have 9 infants and only 2 teachers, you have few chances to hold the children and love on them.

being smiled at while walking down the street should not be special treatment. being held should not be special treatment. it ought to be the norm.

the seeds of revolution

we started our morning at the holocaust museum. what a way to begin... my heart sank more into my chest with each new image silently screaming at me from the walls. my stomach turned as i learned about the medical experiments doctors used to justify the torture of innocent jews. the students milled about the exhibits with tear-filled eyes and heavy hearts. it wasn't until i saw my name on the wall of victims, however, that the tears came flooding from the depths of my soul. there it was - hava. there were too many names to count etched onto that glass wall, but my eyes zeroed in on the one my parents chose for me before i was yet born, some 36 years ago. suddenly, this wasn't just a passive walk through history. suddenly, i was part of the story.

isn't this how, all too often, we react? we watch the commercial with starving children in darfur while cooking dinner for our families, and sure we feel bad about it. but it doesn't stop us from continuing with what we were doing. we hear about the genocide in africa, and we quiet our minds with a loud sigh. but then we go back to our lives and move on. it isn't until we find ourselves in the story that we begin to care enough to act.

in our devotion tonight joey read job chapter 17: "my spirit is crushed and my life is nearly snuffed out...where then is my hope? can anyone find it?" (job 17:1, 15 nlv) and begged the question, "what injustices do you see that you want to see end and how do you stop them?" students spoke of large world issues and their desire to see change. they spoke against the passivity of the church today, who only fights causes when they become trends, "when shouldn't we be the ones leading the revolution?"

i think there's a reason that revolution and revelation sound so similar. it is through revelation that the seeds of revolution are planted.

God is definitely planting seeds within these students already this week...

on sleeping and sabbath keeping

i don't sleep much these days. i wish i could say that i try, but the best argument that i can find is that i've been in bed since 11pm. that was over three hours ago. maybe if it weren't for this computer in front of me and the textbook in my lap, i would have fallen asleep sooner. but maybe not.

i get into these phases where my mind constantly runs through my to-do list - "finish reading chapter 10 of world religions, read chapter 9-11 of the old testament textbook, skim desuteronomy, vaccuum the upstairs of the house, move all of my toiletries from the shower before the maintenance guys come to rip it out and put in a new one, get the clothes out of the dryer (but not before i fluff them again so they're not all wrinkly, of course), pack my bag for charlotte tomorrow, and let's not forget the absolute "must" of checking my school e-mail account to see if there are any e-mails about the incidents this weekend."

add to that my constant need to repeatedly go over my schedule for the next day - "wake up, shower, pack up computer, eat some breakfast, go into the office, meeting, take my car to get the oil changed at 10am, leave from there for charlotte, call andrew on the drive, pick up gift cards for student activities event at target, class 2pm-5pm, dinner, class 6pm-9pm, drive home, call rich on the drive, come home and begin homework for class next week."

no matter how hard i try i can't seem to make it stop. i like to dream that if i could get through my to-do list completely that i could stop and fall asleep then, but there are just not enough hours in the day. every day it's the same thing. even today...i woke up to the phone calls of student concerns. spent the morning on the phone for work, went to an ultimate frisbee match because i promised students i would be there to support them, then drove to huntersville for refugee Bible study, stayed only an hour before making the hour-long drive back here for a sports chaplain meeting. then spent the rest of the night here, on my bed, trying to read and relax and get through a few more things on my to-do list for the day.

today is supposed to be the sabbath. what happened? a week or so ago someone asked me when i took sabbath. i looked at them with astonishment... who takes sabbath anymore? i sure don't.

i need to.

i really need to.

i am losing my wits far too quickly and i'm having trouble admitting it to anyone. i somehow make it through each day, but i am hanging on by a thinly shredded thread. one of these days i'm going to crash and burn.

my body and my spirit simply can't keep up with this fast-paced life. i am racing toward this unattainable goal each and every week - "as soon as i get through this week, i'll be fine. next week i can start to really live my life." it never happens.

all summer i told myself that if i could just take on a little more coursework this year that i could finish my masters by may and be DONE. that if i could just get through this year, then i will have made it. after may, my life can calm down and i can begin to take sabbath again. right now, it's just not an option.

i have been cruelly lying to myself.
1) running myself into the ground now will do nothing positive for my future. it will only stunt my growth.
2) just because i finish grad school does not mean that my life will slow down or that i won't fill that vacant time with something else that keeps me busy. knowing me, i will do just that.

and so, tonight, as i lie in this bed surrounded by notebooks and textbooks and even this laptop, i make a new household rule: my bed is for relaxing and sleeping. no books. no computers. no paperwork. no NOTHING except this body and my fabulously fluffy pillows. i am retaking this space for ME.

26 memories for 26 years

in honor of my birthday today, i am going to share 26 memories from my last 26 years (in no particular order):

1) i peed my pants when i met cinderella at disney world. it's true. i no longer cringe when i hear this story. it's somewhat endearing..

2) i broke my finger on the playground at school in the third grade and my mom made me practice for my piano recital anyway. the recital was supposed to be the next day and i had to do a run through at the church with my piano teacher. mom thought i was just making excuses - she knew i hated those recitals. after my performance though, mrs. coffman noticed that i missed a lot of my lower notes in the left hand. that is when we looked at my hands and realized that my finger was green and purple. oops.

3) i got black-balled from theta chi in college. it was greek week and sean and i had been fighting something fierce for who knows what stupid reason. katie and i had gone to KA to cheer on our sisters at chandeliers and katie convinced me to walk down the street to apologize to sean. i hated the fighting, and i missed my friend, so i went. theta chi was hosting the horse shoe competition in their back yard, so that's where we headed. as soon as i came around the corner, will (president at the time) asked me to leave the premise. he said that i had disrespected a brother and had been black listed. luckily sean and i patched things up, haha.

4) in sixth grade we had a candy table that we set up at the end of the school day. i had bought some gobstoppers for a dollar on wednesday before going to church for kids club. i then sold the candy to some poor defenseless third grader for five dollars. most people would celebrate such a victory. i, however, cried. i felt horribly guilty. so guilty, in fact, that by the end of the program i gave the $5 back to the kid, even though she had eaten all of the candy already. so in the end, i had no money and no candy. awesome.

5) on a mission trip in rural ohio, carl roeger somehow tricked me into climbing on top of a two story house to do some roofing. i have a horrible fear of heights, so on work day number one he had me carrying packages of shingles from the pile to the ladder. each day he coaxed me a few more feet off of the ground until by the end of the week i was at the peak of the roof. i may not have completely conquered my fear of heights, but i did conquer my fear of that roof that week.

6) for my birthday one year when i was really young (kindergarten? 2nd grade?) my parents converted our garage into the party palace. there were games and food and even pin the tale on raccoon mario that my grandfather made for me. i still remember the scavenger hunt all over the yard. i thought our yard was HUGE then. i also remember receiving hair scrunchies from a certain boy and all of my girl friends snickering about it.

7) one winter in high school it snowed so much and got so cold that we didn't have school for something like a month straight. i remember one day my brother sliding down all of the ice in our back yard and then not being able to make it back up the hill. i ended up throwing a hammer or something down to him so he could pierce the ice and make foot holes to climb back up to the house. we spent all winter sliding down that hill and climbing back up. i also loved ice skating around on our back porch. that was an awesome winter!

8) my dad had a lot of sinus issues when we were growing up due to the chlorine of the school pool next to the choir room. because of this, even in the dead of winter, my friends and i would sit on the stairs outside and paint our toe nails. just the hint of the smell of polish would send my dad over the edge.

9) "playing" theta xi while pledging my freshman year of college. we ran back to mccuskey, drenched in water in the middle of a freezing cold night and i returned to my room with icicles in my hair. i was so afraid to comb my hair for fear that it would break off with the ice.

10) taking the "scenic route" with heather and chandra around town in high school and bowing to four chimneys, haha

11) fighting with kelly. man, we sure did know how to fight... but somehow we ended up stronger in the end.

12) speaking of kelly, i will never forget the random road trip kelly, carrie, and i took to pennsylvania to track down a certain boyfriend who didn't show up for his scheduled visit and wasn't returning phone calls. who knew we could arrive at our destination without any directions and even convince that teenage boy to let us on the boat trolley thing and take us to the island. then walking around the island while kelly and her boyfriend had a little "talk". fun times haha

13) singing "home among the hills" for the last time with the concert chorale. and i use "singing" lightly, since i think i cried the entire time and barely sang a note.

14) singing "home among the hills" for the first time at freshman orientation. my mom was sitting next to me crying. i made fun of her, but she assured me that the song would come to mean something to me one day.

15) the first dilworth refugee retreat. jenny and sally were so gracious to invite us out for an escape from the hell which was our lives at the time. i don't remember much from the actual weekend - i think my heart and my head were far too distressed and i have blocked all memory of the particulars, but i will never forget their kindness and support at a time when i felt like my world was ending.

16) the days of red lipstick at sephora. we had a manager once who made us all wear dark red lipstick every day at work. i felt it to be cruel and unusual punishment at first. then i came to love the red. sometimes i missed it...

17) dancing around mike's living room to "world swirl" after a night of fun with good friends.

18) my first 4th of july in charlotte, complete with a riot right outside of the window where monica, kara, katie, and i were celebrating.

19) not really a memory, but a non-memory... i cannot for the life of me remember who was my first boyfriend. i know that it is one of two guys, but i can't remember who was first! i dated one guy one year, and the other the next. i've wondered at this for years now. i hate my lack of a memory!

20) the day i found mr. darcy on the internet. yes, i fell in love online... kara promised me a cat for my birthday and i found one on the animal control website. we went in and there he was. three hours later, i had adopted him and he was headed to his new home.

21) after a truly horrible day at work, i came to katie's house (it was before i moved in and it became "our house", which was before she moved out and it became "my house") and laid my head in her lap and cried my eyes out. this was when i knew we were true friends.

22) trevor and nicole's wedding. truly the most beautiful wedding i have ever been a part of.

23) my grandparents used to spend their winters in florida, (because that's what all the great old ohioans do!) and gramps would send trevor and i hand drawings while they were gone. i wish i had kept more of those...

24) the day that sydney alexis cox hinkle was born into this world. chandra called me before school that day to tell me that she didn't need a ride. i called her between almost every class that day to check in and see if sydney was here yet. i skipped the wrestling meet that afternoon to go to the hospital and welcome our beautiful angel into this world.

25) playing with my cousins at my grandmother's house in reynoldsburg. we would turn her closet into the "chrishavannon cafe" and serve food to all of our family. we played the always incredible out of tune piano. we made forts out of walkers and blankets. we would sneak up to the upstairs bedrooms and guess at how old everything was. and we can't forget...using the groundhogs as target practice with the bow and arrows.

26) hearing my beautiful niece, zedica, sing "happy birthday" to me over the phone yesterday :)


so there you have it, friends. 26 memories for 26 years. thank you all for making it a life worth remembering!!