dog tags

pete had surgery a couple weeks ago. it was a simple surgery, but he had stitches and was forced to wear the cone of shame. (if i ever figure out how to upload photos from my cell phone onto my computer i'll share the adorable little humiliated pup)

the day had finally come when the cone could come off. i took it off and we played and played around the house. he ran up and down the stairs like a fool and i watched, giggling in my chair. i gave him a bath and reached for the collar that he hadn't worn in over ten days.

pete could not contain his excitement! he tried to sit still but his tail just kept wagging at lightning speed, causing his whole body to shake with anxiousness.

it took me a moment to get it on there with all of the movement, but it finally latched. he paraded around the house with his snout pushed out and his head held high. i couldn't help but picture a pageant queen with her crown. he was so proud...

who knew that a dog would be so happy to wear his collar? like he wanted everyone in the world to know that his name is pete havelka, that he belongs to me, and that he has his rabies vaccination.

today in chapel we celebrated the "u2-charist". (catch the funny play on the band u2 and the eucharist?) the whole service featured music and video from the band u2 and we celebrated holy communion at the end. i love communion. you can call me weird, but i look forward to communion sundays. i love the idea that i can come before the Lord in this cleansing ritual and ask forgiveness for the stupid decisions i've made and be made whole again. i know that i could do it any day of the week, and i do, but there is something about this ritual of remembering the life and death of Christ that the cleansing of sin is made more real to me.

i doubt pete has ever thought about his rabies vaccination like communion before, but would i wear a tag proclaiming my forgiven self to everyone in the world like pete wears his?

are you that proud of who you are? whose you are?

practically everyone on campus knows pete and knows that he is mine. they don't need a dog tag to let them know that he belongs to me, but it's there just in case. just in case he gets loose or runs away from me, so a stranger would know where to return him.

pete and i were playing fetch in the front yard yesterday when he noticed a neighbor walking their dog across the street. (i say street, but it's a highway. and a railroad.) he flew across the street, even though katie and i were screaming his name to come back. he didn't even flinch.

sometimes we run. sometimes we are running so fast in the other direction that we don't even hear God calling after us. it may be as innocent as running to see a harmless friend, but when we forget to listen to our Master's voice then we put ourselves in danger.

pete could have been hit by the semi truck that passed by only seconds before he darted across the road. he could have ran past the neighbor and out into the unfamiliar forest beyond the houses. luckily, he's sleeping next to me on the couch tonight while i watch tv and think about doing some homework.

how would our lives be different if we were truly proud of the titles we keep? do you wear your name - who you are and whose you are - like a beauty queen's crown? do you wear it like pete wears his dog tags - with your head held high? do you live in ways that you and your Master can be proud of?

or are you running away?

colorado consciousness

we rounded the bend and there it was. this beautiful lush green tree in direct opposition of the white and black rocky mountains in the not so distant background, like an artist had painted a stark canvas in the dark lonely cold of winter and only bought green paint in the spring when life began to bloom again.

i couldn't help but stare. i leaned toward the window like a little child arriving at the gates of disneyworld for the first time. it was beautiful. it was haunting.

sometimes i feel like that tree. i'm a round bright tree in a world of spiked spruces and pines and snow dusted black mountain peaks. i feel like somehow i don't make sense against the world that surrounds me. like the master Artist created for me a charcoal masterpiece and i took a child's electric lime crayon and scribbled in the middle.

i felt my nose hit the glass, i caught consciousness again.

none of my photos do the scene justice. just like my words never seem to be sufficient.

the last days

i can barely take a second more
the ticking of the clock
the dripping of the leaky faucet
the struggle of his every breath

every second seems longer than the last

*breathe in*
tick...tock...
*and out*

i can't believe that this lifeless body is him
he simply can't be there anymore
he wouldn't have fought this hard
my grandpa wasn't a fighter
he was the kindest man i ever knew

*breathe in*
drip...drop...drip
*and out*

i start to dream of where he must be now
of islands and leis and coconut milk
with a beer in his hand
and his twerp at his side
they're dancing to the playful melody of steel drums and ukeleles

*breathe in*
tick...tock...tick...tock*
*and out*

i never did get that pet name of her's.
what does "twerp" mean anyway?
was it because grandma is so short?
grandma doesn't remember.
it's too late to ask him.

*breathe in*
drip...drop...drip...
tick...tock


...he didn't breathe out



is this the end?



...*breathe in*
tick...tock...tick...tock
drip...drop...drip


with every breath now we stare.
is this the last?
what about this one?
the constant rhythm of the breath and the clock and the faucet,
it's now not so constant.


time of death: 7:45am


quietly in the stillness of the morning
i hear grandpa say to me
"breathe in"

a new kind of job description

yesterday i asked a student to write a job description for me. "as your advisor," i said, "just write what you expect of me and be as specific as possible."

i'm still learning what it means to be the director of student life, but more importantly, i am still learning what it means to be in (and about) student development. am i helping to develop strong students? am i helping to develop solid leadership? am i helping to develop open-minded individuals? how will i know if i don't ask?

so i asked one of my student leaders to write a job description for me as his advisor. this may be the best document i will ever observe. i have goals for my job and the university has expectations as well, but it is the student who matters the most.

colleagues of mine would disagree with my request. they would argue that as experienced adults, we know more of what our students need than they do themselves. they are not entirely wrong... we do know more about life. we have studied human development and leadership strategy. sure, we know more than they do.

but they know some stuff too. they know what they want (which, argumentatively, may or may not equate with what they need). they know how they learn best. they know what their goals are in life and how college fits into their master plan (or maybe the Master's plan?).

one of the key note speakers at a recent conference asked the audience what God would say if he asked God about each of us and, alternatively, what would our students say about us? would they say the same thing? or would there be a discrepency? if there is, then something needs to change. i thought about that a lot...

the same theory applies to our jobs, i think. what would my supervisor and the administration as a whole say if you asked them about how well i perform at this job? what would my students say?

what if dr. sharples said, "yeah, havaleh does great work and is continually striving to be even better" but my students said, "eh, havs is alright but i really wish that she would spend more one-on-one time with us..." or what if my students said, "havaleh rocks. she helps us plan awesome events and is always there when we need her" but the administration said, "well, havaleh seems to be popular with the students, but her work is somewhat lacking. either she doesn't understand what the university expects of her area, or she simply doesn't care." this would not be good. in both scenarios someone loses. in both scenarios i have not done my job properly.

so, to my colleagues who would say that i am crazy....well, so be it. i think there can be a balance between pleasing the expectations of the university AND its students.

all this to say that i'm really excited to see what justin comes back to me with. i'm ready to take steps forward (or backward, depending on what he finds) in my leadership with our students according to what they perceive their own needs to be.

wisdom from nine inch nails, really?

"bow down before the one you serve.
you're going to get what you deserve..." ~ trent reznor


sometimes i forget who i'm serving. i lose sight of my path. i look back and i see poor decisions and wasted opportunities. my latest regret is one that some friends would slap me for calling it such. they would say that i had fun and to quit worrying about it. i can't help but wonder if i wasted an opportunity for what could have been a new friendship. i'm not dwelling on the specificity of the instance, but more about my attitude going into it all. what is the bigger picture here?

i find myself asking, who am i? and who do i show the world that i am? and why are they not always the same? i have a tendency to either come on too strong or alternatively, too passive. out of fear of being too shy, i am sometimes a bit too sarcastic or too bold with people i've just met. out of fear of being too intense, i sometimes appear apathetic.

neither is the real me. i fall somewhere in the middle.

here are the things i know to be true about myself:

• i am an imperfect person who screws up regularly
• God loves me and accepts my apologies with generous grace
• i continually ask God to use my mentors to teach me how to be a better me
• nothing is more exciting to me than a great conversation
• music touches my soul in ways that nothing else can
• my heart aches for the injustices of the world
• because of this, friends have named me "social justice girl" and professors have called me a feminist
• neither of those classifications bother me
• my heart has been bruised and even beaten, but it has never broken
• i sometimes wonder if i will ever live up to the expectations others have set for me
• currently, i am not living up to the expectation i have of myself
• currently, i am not living up to the expectation God has for me

so whom do i bow before? money? lust? success? the Lord?

"no servant can serve two masters. either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." ~ luke 16:13

who do i serve? and am i getting what i deserve?

with the usual play on sexuality and violence, reznor's 'head like a hole' digs deeper in asking "who do you serve?" we could fight all day about what the song is really about - sex, capitalism, addiction, etc - but what if the song is really saying something similar to luke? are you going to give into money? lust? success? or are you going to serve something or someone greater? whatever your answer, there can only be one. you can only bow before one.

who do you choose?

christmas cards and vigil votive candles

"tis' the season to be jolly, so why am i so melancholy?"

(i feel like that's in a song somewhere...but maybe i'm making it up)

today my boss invited me into his office. he asked me to shut the door and sit down for a minute. i of course followed his wishes. what came next, i was not prepared for. he said, "is everything okay? i feel like you have been sad lately."

my soul ached as i heard the words leave his lips. i felt like i was in one of those made-for-tv-movies in the moment when the music swells and the camera pans out as the parents stage an intervention with the teenage girl and her long-time eating disorder.

the truth is that i am not sad at all. i have had a beautiful week. i finished my classes for the semester, caught up on projects that have been haunting me for months, even cleared out my e-mail inbox for the first time since i took on the new job. this has been a very good week!

so why does my boss find me to be sad? why is my disposition not matching my emotion?

i don't have an answer...

what i do have, though, is a christmas card from my aunt jeanne before she passed away. i have no idea how old this card is, but i uncovered it tonight as i looked through a box of old cards and letters to search for friends' addresses so i could send out christmas cards. i opened the card to the familiar writing and the even more familiar phrase, "candles for all at mass tonight. pray for me, too."

my aunt was a devout catholic and always lit candles for people. she made a point of telling you when she did and also telling you when she prayed for you. lots of people do that, but few ask for prayer for themselves. she always did. every time i called her to thank her for the birthday money or the card in college she would tell me she was praying for me and then she would ask me to pray for her. every phone call. every card.

it's easy to tell someone that you are praying for them. although i have a friend who gets annoyed when someone tells them that they are praying for him. he says that it is undermining his own beliefs and it seems like laughing in his face for not sharing the same faith. whatever your intention, it's easy to tell someone what you're doing on their behalf and then walk away ignorantly without ever hearing what they have to say or hear what they believe. it's an act of vulnerability and an act of courage to ask someone to pray for you. in that simple act we admit that we don't have it all together and that we, too, need some help. in that act we also challenge our brothers and sisters to join us in our faith. for me, aunt jeanne's words were a constant reminder to stay in regular contact with my Maker.

maybe that's what russ was really asking when he called me into his office this morning. maybe the question wasn't just "is everything okay?" maybe the real question was "is there anything i can pray about for you?"

maybe my disposition hasn't been the best because i haven't been really faithful in my prayer life lately. sure, i say my daily prayers. but i haven't been in real conversation with God. i've thanked the Creator for my many blessings and i've asked for those blessings to be extended to my neighbors in the specific ways that they need, but i haven't really spent time with God. that changes now.

so tonight, in the dark midnight hour as i light a candle in memory of an incredible aunt and prepare for prayer, i ask you to please "pray for me, too".

before this fleeting season

Lord, before this fleeting season is upon us,

let me remember to walk slowly.
Lord, bless my heart with love and with quiet.
give my heart a leaning to hear carols.
grace our family with contentment,
and the peace that comes only from You.
Lord, help us to do less this busy season;
go less;
stay closer to home;
kneel more.
may our hearts be Your heart.
may we simply, peacefully, celebrate You.

~ maryann jindra

a day of thanks

what i am thankful for this day (and always), in no particular order:
1. my family. they can be wacky but i love them :)
2. coshocton. a lot of people dog this place (with perfectly good reason), but it will always be home.
3. the lake park playvillion. countless memories were made there and it's always fun to go back.
4. food. and not just food, but good fresh food. and the fact that i have never been hungry.
5. the thousands of individuals and organizations who are fighting world hunger.
6. my job. i love my job. i love empowering students to create their own college experience.
7. my students. pfeiffer has one-of-a-kind students who pour their hearts into their work/ministry/sport.
8. my coworkers. i work with an amazing team of passionate professionals.
9. the village people. the weekly "get ready for monday!" and "glee" parties with becca, katie, and katy keep me moving!
10. music. there is nothing in this world that makes me FEEL more than good music.
11. cold weather. sweaters and coats and scarves and boots - yes!
12. love. there can never be enough love in this world.
13. hate. i think it's okay to hate, as long as you're hating something like poverty or racism or greed.
14. my pillow. i have laid my head down on the same feather pillow since middle school. it's perfect.
15. laughter. there is not a sweeter sound on this earth.
16. Jesus, who needs no explanation.

expecting the unexpected

wednesday afternoon i received a call from the dealership where i do all the servicing for my car. the woman on the other end of the line asked what it would take for me to trade in my car and get a new one. she said that they had no hondas on their pre-owned lot and, being a honda dealership, this was a problem. i told her that i would only consider it if they lowered my monthly payment and didn't tack on more than 2 years of the financing i still had left on my current car. she asked me to come in the next morning, so i did.

i explained to justin, the salesman, that i was in no way interested in buying a new car. i love my car. it is a great car. it's not even three years old. it has treated me well and it was in perfect shape. justin agreed, which is why they wanted it on their used lot. he said that looked it over the last time it was in for an oil change and since i was such a loyal client, that they wanted to offer me $2000 more than the kelly blue book value of my car. (luckily, i had done my homework and checked this out the night before just in case he was going to try to swindle me! ...he didn't.) he gave me the numbers and ended up offering me a brand new version of the same exact car i had with a lower monthly payment and only added two more years to the financing i had with the old car.

students keep asking me how long i'm going to stay at pfeiffer. i think they are quickly realizing that as i finish my master's i have one less thing holding me to this place. they recognize that i am overworked and undersocialized. my entire life here is work. i get away every once in a while, but my closest ties are in places like ohio or charlotte or boston. social activity in misenheimer can be boring for students. it is utterly nonexistent for single young men and women. this is a good place to settle down with a family, but when you're on your own life can get pretty lonely out here.

my answer is always the same: "i have no plans on leaving."

am i looking at other jobs? of course, but not seriously. every young professional my age is always looking for ways to expand their experiences and build up their resume. i would be silly not to be looking, but that's all i'm doing - looking. i'm not searching.

i love my job. i love the students i work for and the staff i work with. i love the small school atmosphere and the dedication to our church-relatedness. i love that my superiors truly let my job be a ministry. i have no intentions on leaving.

but i had no intentions on trading in my old car, either. i drove onto that lot with a trunk full of pampered chef boxes to be delivered in ohio next week, a cup of tea in the cup holder, and a pile of mail in the back seat.

the only constant in life is to expect the unexpected.

the american dream

exhausted.
my body aching
my soul depleted
exhausted.

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
if i strive long enough
if i dream big enough
that i could do anything.

so i went to college.

counselor told me to build up a resume
so i double majored
i got all a's
i filled my schedule with
curriculars, co-curriculars, extra-curriculars
until there wasn't a minute left.
over 10,000 moments
of classes
and clubs
and meetings
and service
and projects
and lessons
and work
and...
and...

and...exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

all so i could get a job.

and get a job, i did.
three, in fact.

one to pay for a roof over my head
one to pay for food on my table
and one to pay for the transportation to get to the other two

who has time to dream
when you're working 95 hours a week?

daddy told me long ago
that if i work hard enough
strive long enough
believe firmly enough
that i could do anything.

exhausted.
body aching
soul depleted
exhausted.

is this the american dream?