you are not alone

"and you have your choicesand these are what make man greathis ladder to the stars
but you are not alone in this
as brothers we will stand
and we will hold your hand"

a lover of shakespeare and steinbeck, many of marcus mumford's lyrics allude to their stories.  timshel is no exception.  timshel is taken from the main theme of john steinbeck's east of eden.  it captures the idea of man's free will to choose.  to choose good from evil, right from wrong, excellence from mediocrity, something rather than nothing..

the last thing i did in north carolina was attend a mumford and sons concert with some of my favorite people.  we enjoyed fantastic musicianship and incredible artistry.  as they sang timshel i couldn't help but shed some tears.  and when my soul swelled with emotion, i took a friend's hand and prayed that the gesture would make up for the words i couldn't say.

i think i'm ready though, to tell her those words i couldn't find that overwhelming evening in asheville.

...you are not alone.  if i could find a way to say that enough that you would hear it, then i would say it one million times more than even that.  i know that life is hard right now.  i know it has been hard for a while.  i know that sometimes it feels like you are alone in this world but no matter how many miles away i may reside, i will always be there for you.  always.

believe in yourself.  you are so confident in so many facets of your life.  i only wish you would apply that strength to the concepts of love and trust.  in others.  ...in yourself.  you are intelligent, talented, witty, respected, classy, capable, attractive, lovable, worthy of being treasured and adored.  and should you begin to doubt any bit of that statement then give me a call and i will remind you that you are nothing less than truly lovely.

there is some debate over the exact definition of the hebrew word timshel.  does it mean "thou mayest"? does it mean "though shalt" or "thou must"?  is it a command or a choice?  well, i'm going to break the rules and say "both".

i think that living is both a command and a choice.  we live.  and if we are going to survive in this world, then we must live with intention.  if we are to live in this world, why not thrive?  why not be excellent?  that's where the choice lies...  we choose our purpose.  we choose whether we will be excellent or we will be ordinary.  because mediocrity, that's a choice too.

you, my dear friend, are meant for an extraordinary love affair with life.  
 "and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.when love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.get over your hill and see what you find there,with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."~ after the storm

new chapter development

the civil wars have been playing nonstop in my life for the past year.  i couldn't get enough of their sound and "poison and wine" is one of my favorites on the album.  there's something desperately haunting about their harmonies signing "i don't love you  ...but i always will."  like you can taste the delicate pain on the resounding chords..

i'm not one of those judgmental hipsters, but i do have a deep appreciation for authentic music from authentic musicians.  funny, then, that i should also really enjoy trashy teen television shows like gossip girl.  sometimes the mainstream melodramas can surprise you with philosophy that just sticks in your soul.

"there's a difference between a great love and the right love." - chuck.

i had a great love.  i don't call it love when i speak about it, but in the safety of this journal i'll admit that my feelings were significant enough to be (at least) near to 'love'.  he was charming. handsome. dynamic. intelligent. incredibly fun. talented. clever. appreciated a great variety of good music. 

on day one he told me i was too good for him.  four years later, i finally believed him and walked away.  it might have been a great love, but it wasn't the right love.  despite that truth, though, i've been living the song - i don't love him, but i always will...  well, 'always' ends today.

in some ways, i think moving across the country (can i call it that?) was the best thing for the two of us.  i didn't tell him i was leaving.  when he heard, he was astounded.  he couldn't believe that our chapter was finally coming to an end, but like a dickens novel that never seems to come to a close our story ended long before the last words were written. 

this is a fresh start.  this is an opportunity to turn the page and start a new story.  ...and this time the main character is going to be me.  i have high hopes for the indianapolis chapter of my life.  (for the education junkies out there, i've even created some learning objectives for my time here.)  it's time to start living with intentionality and with purpose.  i'm ready to be the person i've been wanting to become.  as another civil wars song goes, "i've missed you, ...but i haven't met you yet."

mystery injuries

i am prone to mystery injuries.  i've never been one of those dainty little princesses and i'm not particularly graceful. so it's not surprising that i sometimes discover scratches, cuts, and bruises on my body of whose origin i haven't the faintest clue.  there are simply too many possible options..

still, every time i discover one of these inevitable injuries i stare and i think and i think and i think...."when did this happen?  how did this happen?"  today, as i was massaging lotion into my legs after my shower a familiar stinging sensation alerted me to the 6 small cuts on my left knee.  i stared and i thought....and eventually i decided that it was probably that semi-nasty fall i had when i was running to my car in the rain the other day.  who knows for sure, but my mind simply wouldn't let it go until i decided on the source.

i seem to have the same issues in life sometimes.  i'm just continuing along with my life when suddenly something or someone triggers a reaction and all of a sudden i recognize this pain that i never knew existed in my soul.  (yeah, i just went there.  ...my soul.  but it's true.)  and sometimes i know exactly where the pain is coming from - which crappy guy or past heart hurt is the cause.  other times, though, it's simply a mystery injury.

after a decade of dating all the wrong guys and a myriad of bad experiences with them, well, one can end up with a few of these latent pains.  they go undetected for months, sometimes years at a time and then they surface in the midst of the most random moments.

luckily, like the 6 small cuts on my knee, once these mystery injuries are discovered it's much easier to speed up the healing process.  it's only a matter of time before the cuts scab over and are eventually cured.  and if i've done a good job with proper care, then i won't even have any scars as reminders.

it's a small world after all

catchy title, but no, i'm not talking about that creepy ride at disney. -->



today while i was trying to track down an old grad school classmate of mine, i noticed a photo of said grad school classmate and one of my classmates from undergrad.  i couldn't help but freeze.  i stared at the photo, bewildered.

how do these two people know each other?

one is from the northeast and went to college in west virginia, the other is from north carolina where our grad school is as well.  i was so confused...  has that ever happened to you?  when you realize that two people you know for two completely different reasons happen to know each other?

it just goes to prove that as vast as this world seems at times, it really is quite small.

it made me think about tragedies like 9/11, hurricane katrina, the earthquake in japan or the tornadoes in joplin.  it's kind of sick, but we always want to have a personal connection to the tragedy.  like, even though i've never been to japan, there is an international student at pfeiffer (whom i've only spoken to twice) who is from japan and his family is fine because they didn't live where the earthquake hit but he knew some people who knew some people who did live there.  because i know him, i have a connection to the earthquake. 

i remember similar scenarios on 9/11.  i remember sitting in my residence hall room hearing girls on the hall talking about relatives who worked for businesses that had offices in the world trade center buildings (even though the branches they worked for were in completely different states) and girls crying inconsolably about friends who had enlisted in the military after high school (although when asked about their 'friends' we found out that they didn't even know the last names of these classmates because they'd actually never talked to them in their lifetime).

and what about the people who claim that they were a little league baseball coach to the latest american idol or the 3rd grade teacher of an olympic swimmer.  why do we care what these people have to say?  (unless, of course, the star names that coach or teacher as a true inspiration for their aspirations in life.)

we want some semblance of fame.  we want to be able to personally identify with these situations, whether stardom or tragedy.  we want to be included in the news coverage.  we want to be news-worthy.

so why is it when we see funding for public education cut to pieces we remain silent?  why is it that we forget about the hungry and homeless in our own communities until we see a commercial on tv (but even then too often we shed one silent tear and then go on with our lives as if we never heard the news)?  why is it that we assume that someone else will fix the problem, that someone else will give, someone else will care?

we have got to start caring for our neighbors - around the world, throughout our nation, and within our communities.  we have a responsibility to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, the give shelter to the homeless, to love the forgotten....because people, it is a small world after all.

catching up with change

pete chews shoes. he chews shoes and glasses. and magazines and boxes. and pretty much anything but furniture (thank goodness for that small miracle).

i love pete.  i also love my shoes.  so pete has spent the past two weeks with a dog trainer in concord.

on friday i went to pick up pete and we had our first lesson with the trainer together.  pete tested me.  oh boy did he test me.  as lindsay said, "he knows the rules.  he knows that i enforce the rules.  he also knows that you've never known the rules before.  you have to show him that you know the rules now too."  it only took a few tries before he realized that the change he experienced for those two weeks weren't just temporary, until he realized that i knew the rules too.  i had to learn the trigger words lindsay used with him and just when and how to say those words to get the reaction pete had been taught. 

pete is a different dog, people.  truly.  i cannot say enough good things about swiftdogz and our trainer, lindsay.  pete is still full of energy and probably the happiest dog on the planet, but he now listens in ways he never did before.  we learned "base" training, which is actually quite similar to super nanny's "naughty step", only it's not just for being naughty.  pete has a base, or a space that is his and only his.  i physically place him on his base and say "pete, base" and he stays.  he doesn't leave his base until i invite him off of it.  it's genius!  it works really well when he's super energized and needs to calm down or when he gets under foot as i'm trying to cook in the kitchen.  i can't believe how much he has changed.  how much we have changed...

my friend katy just returned from a trip to germany.  we met today at a park in salisbury to get our pups together (pete and ellie are best of friends) and catch up on our lives.  katy was a different person than the girl who left for germany just a short week ago.  she's still the same old sweet friend, but she's experienced life in a new way that has effected her in ways that cannot be undone.  the changes my be subtle, but they're there.  the trip was for class, but it was also about discovering herself in the freedom of anonymity.  her observations in people are slightly different and our conversation topics are a big more colorful.  just like with pete, i'm having to learn slightly new ways of interacting with her.

katy's was the first return to america of many friends of mine who are gallivanting across the world right now.  each one of them will have been changed.  some in big ways, and some in small subtle, almost forgettable ways.  but traveling isn't the only experience that changes us.  sometimes it's as simple as a moment.  one quick moment during your typically mundane life when something clicks in your soul and you have been changed.  and when you change, you have to give the people around you time to catch up.

i think that's why things like marriage counseling and al-anon exist.  because when someone changes, the significant people in their lives have to catch up with that change too.  sure, a person can go to counseling or attend aa meetings alone, but what good will that do if their family and friends don't support it or maybe don't even recognize the change at all?  sometimes you need that time together to work through that change, learning the triggers and the reactions so that you can communicate better with this newer version of someone you care about.

easter sunday

i try to be as true to my word as God is to his. our word to you wasn't a careless yes canceled by an indifferent no. how could it be? when silas and timothy and i proclaimed the son of God among you, did you pick up on any yes-and-no, on-again, off-again waffling? wasn't it a clean, strong yes? 


whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. in him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident.


~ 2 corinthians 1.19-20, the message


Jesus is the ultimate Yes.
Amen. (which means "Yes")

holy saturday

then he was told, "go, stand on the mountain at attention before God.  God will pass by."
   
a hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.


when elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. a quiet voice asked, "so elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?"


~ 1 kings 15.11-13, the message

today i wait
because yesterday was a day of death
death of dreams
death of beliefs
the death of hope

today i wait
for God to "pass by"
though it won't be in a hurricane
and it won't be in the wind
and it won't be in an earthquake
and it won't be in the fire
for God comes in a whisper

today i wait.

good friday

at noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock.  then at three o’clock Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means “my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”


~ mark 15.33-34, new living translation 




if only good friday only came but once in a lifetime.  but for too many in this world, good friday is a daily existence.


the lonely
the hurting
the scared
the enslaved
the tortured
the hungry
the neglected
the forgotten


let us remember this day that good friday is not just a means to easter sunday.  good friday is a holy-day in and of itself.  

it is a day when God, through Jesus, felt the awful pangs of a tortured death.  it is a day when God, through Jesus, took on all of our pain - the loneliness, the hurt, the fear, the hunger, the cuts and bruises on our bodies and our souls.  it is a day that reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering, and that God knows how it feels.  

thank God for good friday.

maundy thursday

be merciful to me, o God, for man would swallow me up;
         fighting all day he oppresses me.
my enemies would hound me all day,
         for there are many who fight against me, o Most High.
        
whenever i am afraid,
         i will trust in You.
in God (i will praise his word),
         in God i have put my trust;
         i will not fear.
         what can flesh do to me?
        
all day they twist my words;
         all their thoughts are against me for evil.
they gather together,
         they hide, they mark my steps,
         when they lie in wait for my life.
shall they escape by iniquity?
         in anger cast down the peoples, o God!


You number my wanderings;
         put my tears into Your bottle;
         are they not in Your book?
when I cry out to You,
         Then my enemies will turn back;
         This I know, because God is for me.
in God (i will praise his word),
         in the Lord (i will praise his word),
in God i have put my trust;
         i will not be afraid.
         what can man do to me?


~ psalm 56.1-11, new king james version


what beautiful imagery..  "You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle"

holy wednesday

"jesus wept."
~ john 11.35, NIV

smallest verse in the bible.  biggest statement.