30.b4.30 join something

it's taken a couple of years, but indianapolis is finally becoming home. i have a few favorite restaurants,
some really great friends and i've found myself a quiet little routine of life.

finding a church was at the top of my list of things to do when i moved here and i was lucky to find one fairly quickly. after a few months, i became a member. a few months after that and i was volunteering with the youth ministry. unfortunately, a year and a half later, i still hadn't found my place. i loved volunteering with the youth, but outside of the youth ministry staff i hadn't really met any other young professionals. i still felt pretty anonymous.

don't get me wrong - i craved the anonymity at the beginning. it was nice - worshiping every sunday without anyone knowing me, anyone talking to me, anyone asking anything of me, anyone expecting anything from me. this was a welcome change from the decade of working every weekly worship service.

the anonymity was great at first, but as time went on it just made me feel empty and alone. the whole point of worship is to live out our faith together as the body of Christ. we can praise God on our own. we can sing songs of worship in our cars. we can pray as we breathe. worship, though, worship brings us together in communion not only with God, but with each other.

i craved communion with a congregation.
and i hadn't found it.

truth be told, i hadn't really tried. i looked at small groups and sunday school offerings, but not much interested me. more than that, the things that did interest me were held during the day during the work week. this told me that either the groups were made up of stay at home moms or retirees. i'm neither.

so, this lent, the church implemented dozens of small groups centered around the sermon series. no reading required. just go to church on sunday to hear the sermon, then show up at your small group to discuss. a small group was offered for "twenty-somethings" and i signed up. i figured that it would only last 5 weeks and i could commit to anything for 5 weeks. if it wasn't a good fit, it would be over soon enough - no harm no foul.

those 5 weeks are over now, and it's hard to believe that our small group began as a collection of individual strangers. our first night together was timid and felt somewhat rehearsed. we have since made some real connections and are planning movie nights and dinners and kayak trips and service projects for the future.

and for the first time in two years, i'm no longer anonymous.

what does it mean to be christian?

"christians are supposed to represent Christ to the world. but according to the latest report card, something has gone terribly wrong. using descriptions like “hypocritical,” “insensitive,” and “judgmental,” young americans share an impression of christians that’s nothing short of . . . unChristian." ~ unChristian by david kinnaman and gabe lyons

no wonder people are against us.

but what are we doing to change this perception?

i'm here to say that although some people would want us to believe that christians have all of the answers, we don't. the truth is that christians are messy. life is messy, so it's only natural that we are too.

the most christian people i know are the ones who are honest about their messiness and allow God to work with them through the muck and mire. they don't give me any of that "we are a flawed people and through God i am made pure" / all life's a bunch of daisies and glitter pretension. instead, they say "look, sometimes life sucks. sometimes it's my fault and sometimes it's just the way the chips fell. but i have faith that God is with me every step of forging a way through this, even though sometimes i ignore or forget it."

some of the most christian people i know have struggled with compulsive lying, with substance abuse, with eating disorders, with insecurities that led them down roads of false fulfillment through superficial popularity at the cost of true personal connection in their lives. now, i don't want this to sound like you can only really be christian if you've struggled with something significant. that's simply not the truth. i just think that when you've struggled with something really difficult in your life, at some point you've had to be really honest with yourself in order to steal the reigns away from that struggle. i think it means that you know a thing or two about true honesty and transparency, and that is something i believe to be essential to christianity.

some of the most christian people i know simply do not fit into the nicely packaged image of what some
would expect of us. they wrestle with God, like jacob. they question God, like the psalmist. they're messy.

i'm messy. (but maybe not in the good way.) and right now i need a lot of prayer. prayer for wisdom. prayer for discernment. prayer for acceptance. prayer for determination. prayer for courage. prayer for understanding. because God and i...we're wrestling.

"jacob wrestles with god" by grace carol bomer

musical trip down memory lane

songs always take me places. they typically send me down memory lane. today, it was a song from the new tv show nashville:

"boys and buses got a lot in common
they both pick up speed when you try to stop 'em
you could waste your breath
you could scream and cuss 'em
but there's no use chasing after boys and buses."
~nashville

my first kiss was on the back of a school bus.

it was in the middle of a day-long band competition and we walked back to the empty bus to retrieve something forgotten. (eh, in all honesty it was probably just a lame excuse to be alone together.) i don't remember much, except that it was ridiculously awkward and, instead of thinking about how cute he was or how my first real kiss was actually happening, i wondered the whole time if we were doing it right.

yeah, boys and buses, we have a long history.

i don't see too many buses these days. my city is definitely lacking in the public transit department.
and boys? well, boys continue to come and go and all these years later i still haven't learned how to live in the moment and enjoy life. i'm still wondering if we're doing it right.

30.b4.30 west coast

yes folks, i traveled to the west coast. months ago. many months ago, actually. but i didn't have much to say about it, so i didn't write.

i didn't have much to say about putting my feet in the pacific because it didn't feel any different than putting my feet in the atlantic.

i had all of these ideas about what the west coast would be like. it would be so different from the east coast i had experienced so often, especially over my past ten years of visiting the likes of charleston and wilmington on a regular basis. but it wasn't... it was exactly the same, lined with an eclectic mix of trendy hot spots, shady hole-in-the-walls and overpriced tourist shops.

my high expectations were disappointed and i stood there with my bare feet in the cold salty water begrudgingly thinking about what a disaster it would be trying to dry my feet of the water and sand enough to put my shoes back on.

the fact is that the grass always looks greener on the other side. the other fact (that we don't always hear) is that it's the same damn grass.

have you ever experienced a time when something you thought would be totally different turned out being more similar than dissimilar? like the relationship that would be stronger or the job that would be more satisfying, until you realize that the new relationship still lacks depth due to your constant struggle with poor self-image and the job is still taking over your life because you fail to set appropriate boundaries in order to create sustainable work-life balance.

yeah, me too.

the many faces of God

"do you realize how many people who love you you're going to see over the next week?" katie said when i finished sharing about the busy week i'll be experiencing starting on friday. i hadn't thought about it that way, but she was right. from childhood besties to family to coworkers to college buddies to sorority sisters and interfraternal friends, i have a packed week full of spending time with people who love me.

i am truly so very, very blessed.

in his book "the road to daybreak", henri nouwen states that “when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

those are the kind of people in my life. people who have surrounded me with love and support - through the mountaintops, through the valleys, through the questions, the fears and the celebrations. they stay with me and face life with me.

i have a friend for every letter of the alphabet. i even have friends for the hard-to-find q or z. and there is nothing that i could ever do to earn this love. the love my friends share with me is as free as it is unconditional. it comes without expectation, without stipulation, without exception.

in my friends i see the many faces of God. through their loving, i find the Great Comfort. through their challenging, i find the Master Teacher. through their humor, i find the Ultimate Storyteller. through their passion, i find the God of Justice and through their constancy, i find The Great I AM.

if it is true that we are made in God's image, then surely the Creator and Sustainer is truly beautiful. so tonight i pray for these beautiful friends of mine - for each person by name - and i thank God for the privilege of being in their lives and the blessing to have them in mine.

our first fight

things i wish i could help you to hear:

1) you are loved.

2) you are beautiful.

3) you are intelligent.

4) you are talented.

5) you have impeccable taste.

6) you have an eye for talent in others.

7) you are inspirational.

8) you affirm others.

9) you affirm me.

10) if you could even be half as affirming of yourself as you are of others, the doubt you experience might dissipate.

11) i fear that the distrust you are feeling toward others is a manifestation of your lack of trust in yourself.

12) even though i may challenge you, my respect for your emotions and your decisions are rooted in love and affirmation.

13) i will always accept you for you.

14) always.

gotcha day

three years ago, i met the love of my life. i saw a photo of him in an email from a friend of a friend, advertising that they had picked up a stray dog on the streets of charlotte and were looking for a permanent home for the pup.

i ran down to my friend becca's office. "should i respond to the email?"

we talked about budgets and schedules and how dogs change your life, and in the end, we decided i should call and find out more about the dog.

so i did. and we met. and i fell in love instantly. the smiths said that they would not be sending the dog home with anyone just yet, that they wanted to pray about it and wanted to get the dog fixed.

on the drive home, i asked becca if i should adopt him. she said that if i didn't, she would.

so i prayed about it for a few days, then called the smiths to schedule a pick up. they sent me home with the love my life, a huge bag of food, a few toys and wouldn't accept anything in return but a simple "thank you".

and that is the story of adopting the dog who would become "pete", the best thing that ever happened to me.

we've had our ups.

and we've had our downs.  

but over the past three years we have become the best of friends. even mr. darcy has accepted him into our family.

whoever said that diamonds were a girl's best friend clearly never had a dog.

so, for "gotcha day" this year i decided to make pete some homemade treats. i saw it on pinterest, with a photo and a link to a super cute blog. i followed the recipe on the blog, but made a few substitutions, since pete is allergic to so much.

Pete's Peanut Butter Bones

Ingredients:
1 cup organic brown rice flour
1 cup quick oats
1/2 T baking powder
1/2 cup organic creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup 1% milk
3 T unsweetened applesauce

step 1 - combine all dry ingredients
step 2 - add wet ingredients and mix well
step 3 - roll out dough to 1/2 inch thick
step 4 - cut treats and place on baking stone
step 5 - bake for 20 minutes at 350, or until golden brown
step 6 - because these don't have all the preservatives of store bought treats, be sure to store them in an airtight container

pete LOVED them. he followed me around all night, trying to earn another!

since he loved them so much, and because they won't last forever without preservatives, we decided to package some for our fluffy friends.

happy gotcha day, pete. some say that i saved you, but you and i both know that you saved me.

love lessons

(bliss = lounging at grandma and grandpa's)

love lessons i've learned from my dog:

1. he kisses all my tears away. if i am crying, pete is sure to be at my side, kissing every tear from my face. he's taught me that love cannot erase the hurt i experience through life, but the one who loves me will be by my side, swallowing every tear with me until i'm ready to stand again.

2. he interrupts my couch office time. like most of you, it's not uncommon for work to come home with me. when it does, i set up office on the couch. pete hates this. sometimes he desperately tries to distract me away from the work only to give up and curl up next to me. the times when he carries his rawhide bones and drops them at my feet, though? well, i simply can't resist. i take a break, pick up the bone and we play. he's taught me that no matter the deadline or the project or the pressure, there's always time to share life with the one you love by doing that which makes them happiest.

3. he forgets to eat. my parents make fun of me, but sometimes i have to hand feed pete's food to him. it's the only way he'll actually eat it. he's taught me that love is about giving and receiving - just as he cares for me, sometimes i have to be the comforter and encourager.

4. he wants to make me happy. years ago, pete spent three weeks with a trainer, then he was returned to me and we continued training together for several more weeks. our trainer was astonished at how acutely pete's emotions were connected to my own. if i was happy, pete was happy. if i was upset, pete was upset. you can really see every emotion in his sweet face. training pete was not difficult, because he desperately wanted me to be happy with him. he's taught me that when you love someone, you pay attention to their emotions, that sometimes you can only be happy if the other is too.

5. he sometimes scratches me. he's even been known to draw blood. he doesn't mean to. he still has so much puppy energy that we simply haven't figured out the balance between playtime and every other minute of the day. he's taught me that getting to know someone else takes time, and even years down the road you're still learning where the lines are drawn.

6. he has a short memory. pete is in his crate every day while i am at the office, and sometimes i get home from work only to return him to the crate so i can go shopping or meet up with friends. i hate this. i hate that i don't trust him in the apartment alone and that i can't afford those awesome doggy daycare places. and let's not forget that there have been days when i have simply forgotten to give him his allergy pills, until he's scratching his belly raw as we're going to bed. and yet, he forgives me every time. he's taught me that when you love someone, you work together to be better beings and to better care for one another; and when one of you fails, you respond with grace.

the dress that defied gravity

“that dress defies gravity.” when he finally decided to talk to me, this is what he said.

the dress did exactly what it was supposed to do: grab his attention and show him what is no longer his.

i have no idea what defying gravity has to do with a dress, but it was clear that he meant it as the highest of compliments. it was said dozens of times throughout the night. and each time, the wall i built between my head and my heart crumbled and the line between good and evil blurred.

the woman who caught his attention with her fabulous style and radiating confidence was reduced to the girl who melted every time his eyes caught hers.

and his wasn’t the only attention caught. another old flame was in the room that night and he had words for the dress as well. he gave me a mouthful.

apparently the best parts about me when we were (almost/kinda/sorta) together have magnified over the years. apparently indianapolis has been good to me. apparently i have a new confidence that is intoxicating. apparently he always wanted to be with me, but that he figured it out too late and i had already moved on to [former flame mentioned above]. apparently they have always fought over me. apparently they were fighting for my attention all night. apparently he felt like he was winning. apparently our kiss back in college was epic.

apparently he felt that he was never good enough for me. apparently he felt that i never chose him.

interesting. because i never thought i was good enough for him. never good enough for either of them. and i chose them every time in the past. every single time. they simply never chose me.

their attention was addictive. i ate it up when i should have walked away.



at the end of the night, one begged for a kiss.
at the end of the night, i refused.

in the morning, the other sent a text asking to rekindle the past.
in the morning, i cried, wondering if i would ever experience a love worth rekindling.
wondering if i would ever experience a love that needed no rekindling because it actually lasted.

wondering if i'll ever be the somebody that somebody chooses.

30.b4.30 - the kill order

i've been telling everyone about the maze runner series for about a year now. i was looking for something to read after the hunger games, and my middle school lit teacher best friend suggested it. i read the first book in two days. the next two books of the series were finished shortly thereafter. then, there was talk of a fourth book: the kill order, a prequel to the trilogy. i had to read it.

but i didn't. not right away, at least. instead, i put it on my christmas wish list.

everyone around me was reading it. all these people i had sold the idea of this fabulous book series to were reading ahead of me and i was left behind.

so after months of hushing friends before they ruined the secrets of the book, i gave in. i went online and reserved a copy at the library. two days before leaving indy for christmas holiday, i picked it up. two days into my christmas holiday in ohio, i finished the book.

it was STUNNING. it was bloody and nasty and thrilling and mysterious and everything i expected it to be. it answered the questions the trilogy had left wide open and it left me with a sense of closure the last had left me wanting.

i was blissfully content.

until today, when i unwrapped a gift from my parents: the kill order. it was on my list, and they were devastated when they saw me reading it when i arrived to town. i thanked them and explained that i owned the other books, so it would be nice to add this one to the collection, even if i had already read it.

then i noticed that the cover said that this edition of the book had "barnes and noble exclusive" top secrets from WICKED (that's an organization in the book - if you read it, you'll know what it is). i quickly turned to the back and found an extra chapter. a short chapter, revealing one last secret. answering one last question. coloring the characters that much brighter. telling the story that much fuller.

i am content with my life. i find happiness every day. and every day i feel loved. but sometimes i wonder...what if a better life is out there waiting for me? what if i've settled for something less than i could be? what if there is a different edition of my life's story, with a "barnes and noble exclusive" extra chapter...revealing another secret, answering another question, coloring brighter characters, telling a fuller story?

maybe i've settled for the library loaner life, but i guess you could say that the exclusive edition is still on my wish list.