those who stayed

my teenage goddaughter recently started watching one tree hill. i religiously followed the show back in the day, so this of course prompted me to watch from the beginning again.

over the past couple of months, i've seen multiple tree hill weddings. first, haley and nathan, married quietly with only family present; then again, surrounded by family and friends (and a lot of extras we were never introduced to). then, peyton and lucas, again surrounded by dear friends and loved ones. 

tonight, i watched brooke and julian's wedding and i got all of the feels. 

if you know one tree hill, then you probably remember that brooke is the cool-girl, cheerleader/fashion designer who thoughtfully struggles to find her match. while i've never really related to brooke's character, there is a lot about this episode that hit me hard tonight.

one tree hill begins in high school. we follow the characters as they navigate typical (and not-so-typical) high school drama, then we fast-forward to post-college life. at the first two weddings, the focus is on the bride and groom's high school friends. the show's writers create this world where high school friends in a small north carolina town grow so closely together that they remain friends forever. you can't help but root for these friends to truly make it last.

at this point in the show, though, nearly half of the actors who played main characters have left the show to star in other tv dramas and movies. by brooke and julian's wedding in season eight, half of the high school friends are gone and most of the main characters are new to the show in the last couple seasons--coworkers, teachers, friends-of-friends, etc. brooke's self-declared best friend doesn't even make it to her wedding, and julian ends up with an eight-year-old for his best man.

i had the privilege of spending time with one of my childhood best friends today. we took pete for a walk and enjoyed lunch at a local restaurant. as we watched the field mouse search for an exit from the porch where we sat and sipped our iced tea, we talked about everything and nothing at all. she asked me if i kept in touch with some of our other friends, and we marveled at how easy it is to slip away from the people you once loved. in a way, our lives aren't really that different from a television drama whose actors' contracts end and characters disappear from scripts. 

one tree hill got some slack for the loss of main characters after season six ended, but the show introduced quality new characters and continued for three more seasons before calling it quits. while the storylines went a little crazy in the later years, the characters themselves were good. almost immediately, you cared about them because they cared about the characters you had already loved for years. you were interested to see how those relationships developed. you wanted to see them succeed.

like brooke and julian's wedding, as adults we find ourselves surrounded not necessarily by the ones who were with us at the beginning but simply with the people who renegotiated and signed contracts. the ones who stayed. 

this has been a year for the books. at thirty-one, i became a cliche and moved back home into my parents' basement. i sold everything that didn't fit into my parent's minivan and my car. i quit my stable job without a plan for what would come next. i also spent wonderful quality time with my family, explored new creative outlets, became debt free and started my own business. 

i am so thankful for friends and family who have been by my side this year. the ones who stayed. the encouragement has been overwhelming at times, and so necessary. i feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by old and new friends who truly sustain me through the tough times and celebrate with me in victory. the random phone call, the texted prayer, the pinterest message joke, the instagram emoji or, yes, even the elusive mailed greeting card...they have fueled my fire. 

i am eternally grateful. thank you for staying.

resignation

in the days that followed the announcement of my departure from my previous employer, i received a lot of questions about why i was leaving. "why did you quit?" and "what will you do next?" and "are you okay?" and "how are you handling all of this?" top the list.

as i look around me, it seems like i am surrounded by people are resigning--from habits, from jobs, from relationships. they have given up and accepted the previously ignored necessity for radical change, the cold reality that their voices are not being heard, the desperate lie that tells them they are unlovable.

sometimes there's nothing left to do but give up, to take a phrase from the definition. sometimes the inevitable undesirable stalks us until we have nothing left to fight for. sometimes we have no fight left in us because we've fought as hard as we could and lost. sometimes we are simply tired of fighting.

folks, knowing the problem is the first step in identifying a solution.

that habit? it was unhealthy.
that job? it was unhealthy.
that relationship? it was unhealthy too.

so, we start in a place of resignation. it's natural to be sad. to mourn the loss of what was and the hope of what could have been. and mourning is a process that takes time. sometimes it takes a long time. let yourself feel it. truly feel the sadness and the loss.

but...one night, when you're ready...instead of focusing on the darkness, your eyes will wander up to notice the stars in the sky again.

please don't miss it. don't dismiss it.

you don't have to see the full galaxy, but don't miss the star twinkling out there to remind you that it's time to move past the resignation and start fighting for a new dream.

fight for a new way of living. one that is good and healthy for your body, mind and spirit.
fight for a new way of working. one that progresses your calling and promotes good in the world.
fight for a new way of loving. one that starts with loving yourself and extends to bring in someone worthy of your tremendous heart.

so, how am i, you ask? i feel a true sense of resignation. i have faith in the choice i made. i am at peace.

...and i'm listening to the One who made me and starting to find my fight again.

i wept.

like a tsunami, the feeling rushed over me leaving nothing but agony and confusion in its wake. the waves of fear and doubt pulled me down to the depths of hell, laughing as they pinned me to the ocean floor. they knew they could hold me there. they knew i wouldn't fight it.

i let the exhaustion sink in fully. i shrunk into myself and let go of the facade that had told everyone else i was holding it together. i could no longer believe the lie myself. 

and then... i wept.

Jesus did that (at least) once. Jesus wept. shortest verse in the bible, "Jesus wept."

many men and women much smarter than me have studied the theological significance of that sentence; but as i try to find the words to describe what happened tonight as i sat in my car, alone in the target parking lot...all i can come up with is a simple sentence. all the words in the english language can't paint the picture more accurately.

i wept.

and the waves that had threatened to bury me beneath the ocean floor poured out as tears flooding down my cheeks and neck, drenching my scarf as if i had danced outside in a rainstorm.

but my mascara didn't run. because instead of investing in my spirit these days, i purchase high-end products that will effectively protect the mask i still wear despite the growing evidence that it just isn't worth it anymore.

maybe it never was.

thankful

sometimes, when the world is swallowing you whole and you can't quite even make out the lines of your own hands in the darkness, you need a reminder that you're not alone.

sometimes you just need a best friend.

needless to say, it's been a pretty rough couple of weeks. just when i didn't think it could get any darker, another bomb would drop. i kept telling myself that it'd be fine, it would all be fine. except it wasn't.

i kept telling myself that i'd make it through, i would make it through somehow. except i wasn't.

i was standing still, feet planted in the sinking sand below me, foolishly believing that if i smiled just right and held it together just so that somehow the sand would turn to solid ground again.

today, as my head hit my hands and my tears hit the table, i had a friend who offered a listening heart, reassuring wisdom and even a bit of humor to keep me going.

esse quam videri, my friend.
so thankful for a friend who lets me reveal my true self and loves me through the tough stuff.
i simply wouldn't make it through this life without you.

A photo posted by Havaleh Havelka (@havaleh) on Aug 8, 2013 at 11:25am PDT

bliss list #2: baking

i love to bake. there's just something beautiful about taking raw ingredients and making something useful.

tonight i made cookies. not just any cookies--my great grandmother's chocolate chip cookie recipe. they are, by far, my favorite.

think about the ingredients...

• flour, salt and baking soda: essential, but no one wants to eat a spoonful alone.
• vanilla, sugar and brown sugar: sweet, but who wants to eat a spoonful of those either?
• eggs: eating them raw could kill you. seriously.
• butter: eating two sticks of that could probably kill you too. over time, at least.
• and then you have the semi-sweet chocolate chips: they certainly don't taste like a chocolate bar. they are far more bitter than sweet.

none of those ingredients alone would taste nearly as delicious as they do when combined to make great grandma's chocolate chip cookies.

i bake to be reminded that i'm not alone, thank God. i bake to remember that i am but one ingredient in the larger mixing bowl of life, and that thankfully i am mixed together with some pretty awesome people. and with them, i'm part of something delicious too.

bliss list #1: the symphony of a storm

i lie down and open up my newest library rental, meg wolitzer's "the interestings". i suppose page one is a good place to start. pete is curled up at my feet and mr. darcy is purring, cuddling my arm. i'm already relishing in the awesomeness of my life when it begins.

there is no warning, no build up, no intro, no climb. the rain simply begins pouring, thumping against the roof in forceful persistence.

the beat is steady. not necessarily fast; it's more than that. fuller. it's constant. not like a heartbeat. more like a line of a thousand little drummer boys, beating to the rhythm of their fears.

i love the sound of rain. it is a tangible reminder that dry grass can be green again, that what once appeared dead can be given life once more. tonight, it is my lullaby.

thirty-one

my birthday surprised me like fireflies littering the sky with bits of light on the first night of summer.

a few weeks ago i felt like august 5th was forever away. a few days ago, i felt like it was probably coming soon. the night of the 4th, nearing midnight, as my roommate ran through the front door exclaiming an enthusiastic "happy birthday!", i found myself surprised.

another year come and gone.

another year of desperately trying to get things right. of trying to treat people with kindness. of trying to show grace and receive mercy. of trying to become a better version of myself.

another year of sometimes failing miserably. of saying or doing the absolutely wrong thing. of losing my temper over stupid milk spills. of clinging to my stubbornness as if being 'right' meant anything at all.

another year of sometimes, just sometimes actually succeeding. of exploring new avenues. of learning new things. of allowing myself to love and be loved.

with my birthday coming as a surprise, there is no list this year. at least, there isn't a list today...

throughout the next year, i'll be creating my bliss list. the list will be comprised of things that bring me joy. because sometimes it's a good practice to silence the chaos for a moment, take a deep breath, and be reminded of all that is good and pure and wonderful in this world.

so, stay tuned, friends, for the bliss list awaits.

counting sheep

do you know what happens when your phone has to be rebooted and you lose your contacts?
you lose all the numbers of the people from your past.

you don't lose the people in your current life - they call and text and their numbers reappear.
you lose the people from your past.

funny how quickly they can be erased, as if they never existed.

i didn't have any hesitation when curtis at verizon told me that i may lose my contacts and photos. i told him to do it anyway. i must say, he was pretty shocked with my determination to move forward.

the downside? no late night phone calls with the ghosts from your past. so you just have to lie in bed, counting sheep, or whatever it is that normal people do.

why is it that the dark of night brings out the dark in us? like the midnight sky can somehow veil our poor decisions and desperate reaches for connection.

it can't.

...back to counting sheep.

troubleshooting

my phone has had issues for a while now. it won't call out when i try to then will randomly call people without being prompted. it's like it has mind of its own.

a few days ago, i had some time to kill so i stopped in a verizon store. curtis was a young associate and he tried his best to troubleshoot my problems.

after describing my frustrations, he took a look at the hardware and eventually made a call in for some additional help. he explained to me that he would need to reboot the phone and that there was no guarantee that my contacts or photos would be saved. i confirmed that it was fine, and to try everything he could to make it better.

while my phone rebooted, he told me that my phone was pretty old and tired and that it might just be best to say goodbye to it. he then tried to nonchalantly talk me into buying a new phone.

his speech started out with the question, "tell me about yourself." i gave him a skeptical glance and said, "well, i want a phone with a good camera and..." and he cut me off. "no," he said, "i didn't ask about the kind of phone you want. i want to know about you. what do you do? do you work? do you have hobbies? tell me about your life."

brilliant sales strategy, curtis.

so, i told him a little about my job and told him about the kinds of things i like to do with my friends. he used what i had told him to pick out three phones he thought would be a good fit for my lifestyle.

first, he tried selling me on the newest iphone. i've carried an android for so long though, that i just don't think i want to make the switch to the iphone. plus, it seems like everyone i know who has an iphone has trouble with it at some point. i mean, i've never had a screen crack on my droid... i'm not going to jump on the iphone bandwagon just so i can drop my phone and have to pay hundreds of dollars to get the screen replaced.

next, he showed off some huge phone that might has well be a tablet. seriously, it was huge. he boasted that the phone could run two different apps at once. apparently it has a stellar camera. i said it wouldn't matter because it couldn't fit in my pocket. the fact that he thought i would like this phone is simply laughable.

finally, he introduced me to a "mini" phone. i assume he picked this out based on my overt laughter over the gigantic size of the last phone he tried to sell me. by this point, i've stopped really listening and mostly i've given up on curtis' ability to help me. he tried to get really serious with me and said "look, i don't get anything from selling you a phone. i promise i'm not just trying to sell you something. i'm trying to help."

but i didn't want a new phone. i liked my phone. i didn't want what everyone else has. i didn't want anything more than i could handle. and i certainly didn't anything he had to guilt me into buying. i just wanted my phone to work the way it did three years ago when i bought it.

curtis fixed my phone, and it's working pretty well right now; but i know it's just a matter of time before it can't be bandaged and rebooted anymore. sooner or later, it's going to be time to trade it in for something new.

honestly, maybe it's time.

just because i'm comfortable, doesn't mean it's right. right?
and just because i've had it forever, doesn't mean that it's still working well for me. right?

maybe i should give curtis another try.
sure, there may be breaks and there may be laughable blunders.
most importantly, i need to stop trying to dictate what i think should happen, stop judging and stop talking long enough to truly listen.
who knows, maybe we'll find something work taking home.

persuasion

all week i had planned for my manicure date with cori. i wanted to try something different, so i searched a little online and found some pictures of what i wanted: a french manicure with light blue-green tips instead of white. i had a plan. my mind was made up.

well, i got the manicure yesterday. i arrived at the salon and carefully chose my color: the perfect shade of a bluer sea foam green. it was very light and somewhat transluscent. it was perfect. it would be a little bit fun without going over the edge.

for the first part of the manicure, everything went as planned. then, it came time to add the tips. the manicurist looked down at the first nail with the color and studied it a bit before asking if i liked it. clearly, she didn't like what i had picked out. she wanted me to be bolder and to use a brighter turqouise. i didn't put up a fight. i actually went ahead and just asked her to pick out a brighter color for me. 

i am too easily persuaded.

heck, i don't even give myself the chance to be persuaded. i see the persuasion coming and make a premptive strike, changing my own mind before someone else can change it for me.

my nails are nice and all. i don't necessarily regret going with the brighter, bolder color. i guess i just wish i had stuck with my original plan.