nobody number one

"just like me, they long to be close to you" ~ the carpenters

do you have someone in your life that is undoubtedly lovable? and not just in the "oh, they're swell" kind of way. i'm talking about the ones people flock to, the ones that we crave to be near to, the ones who always have someone at their side swallowing every word they say as if it were dark chocolate creme brulee.

i have a couple of people like that in my world. one, for his boyish charm and gracious generosity. the other for his bad boy ways and cunning sensuality. i've never been in love, but i would dare say that i have loved each of these men at different times in my life. i wonder what it would be like to have that much influence over others: with one look, melt a heart and persuade someone to fall in love. with one smile, earn the complete trust of every person you encounter. with one touch, cause another to follow you wherever you may lead.

i tend to take second place. i don't say that as a cop out or a cry for attention. it's simply a truth i have come to discover. i am the best friend, not the love. i am the late night call, not the weekend mini-vaca.

have you ever heard michelle featherstone's "back of the church"? it's a beautiful tune:
i will wait somewhere in the wings,
watch you take your bow.
in the front row is someone else;
they’re clapping for you now.

i will wait on the starting line,
watch you win this game.
i won’t move when someone else is cheering on your name.

i will wait in the back of the church,
and watch you say i do.
i won’t cry when someone else is standing next to you.
i wish there was some way to tell you,
but words just get in the way.
you should know that i will always love you,
forever and a day.

the song has this haunting melody that stays with you for days. i can't help but hear the song in the back of my head as i wonder if i'll ever be that person in the front row. i know that i'll never be like my friends who are center stage to the world. i don't want to be. i'm an intravert, anyway. what i would like, though, is to have one person who somehow sees me as the priority in their life.

i close tonight with some over the rhine:
i'm afraid i've lost the piece of me
i need the most you see.
this puzzle is really just about the need
to be somebody.
i'm afraid i'm not all that you see;
all along the coast of me
i'm camouflaged, a desert mirage,
a nobody...

but you came so close and i assumed
you were looking
for the piece of yourself that's lost.
it is the hiding place inside everybody
and though we love to numb the pain,
we come to learn that it's in vain.
pain is our mother.
she makes us recognize each other.

c'mon now child don't cry.
let's give it one more try.

sometimes i feel so all alone
here in this city i call my home.
they say, hey, you're one of us.
funny, i should feel so anonymous.
but i'm drawn to you
and that still small voice is talking too,
and that's the voice that so seldom can get through.

that's the trouble with you and me;
we always hit the bottom before we get set free.
i'm so far down
i'm beginning to breathe...