i was talking with a friend the other day when she looked at me and said, "i don't want to be the hook-up girl anymore" and laughed. it was the sort of laugh that is birthed from insecurity. we've all done it - said something in jest that held more truth than we were willing to admit. knowing this wasn't the time nor the place to dive into a deep discussion about the reasons we do the things we do and who she was created to be, i laughed along and moved the conversation in another direction.
tonight, though, i'd like to revisit the topic. someone once told me "you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh." it was advice given for a rather shallow fraction of my life, but it has become my mantra for so much more.
i was once in a pretty crappy relationship. well, calling it a relationship might be inaccurate. it lasted (on and off) for a couple of years. i didn't know that i deserved anything better, so i just kept going back. he wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't the right guy. i didn't like the person i became when i was with him. it was toxic. it was like an addiction. i knew it wasn't a healthy situation, and i was hurt and angry more often than i was happy. then one day i remembered...you change your life one decision at a time, havaleh.
so i didn't pick up the phone the next time he called. the next party i was invited to that he would be at, well i didn't go. i even went so far (looking back, maybe too far) as to all but cut our mutual friends out of my life. i decided that i deserved more and i walked away.
since we were little girls, we have been taught that if you get the prince to kiss you then your true life will begin. ever heard of snow white? prince kisses her and she wakes up from a coma. cinderella? prince kisses her and the next thing we know they're married and living happily ever after. it's been ingrained into our very beings that the goal is to get the guy to kiss you. so my friend isn't too far off, right?
but i believe that we were created to be in communion with each other, not just relationship. relationship is just another word for a connection or association. but to be in communion with another person, well that's something quite a bit deeper. to be in communion means to share. you don't just know the other person, but you share with them your thoughts, your feelings, your bread, your wine, your heart, your mind, the very soul of your life. and i think deep down we all crave not a relationship with another person, not a fleeting kiss or a weekend romance, but communion. we crave communion because that's how we were built to live. we settle for less because we forget that we deserve so much more.
it hasn't always been easy. i still run into the guy i spoke of earlier from time to time and he's still just as charming as he ever was. the thing is...you don't turn away from your old life one day and never look back. you change your life with every decision you make, every moment, and sometimes you have to keep making the same decision to want more for your life over and over again to keep your life on the right track.
this song by julie miller has been running through my head for the past couple days and it seems appropriate for tonight:
You can have my heart
though it isn't new
it's been used and broken
and it only comes in blue
it's been down a long road
and it got dirty along the way
if i give it to You will You make it clean
and wash the shame away
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
if You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make things old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
so beyond repair
nothing i could do
tried to fix it myself
but it was only worse when i got through
but then You walked right into my darkness
and You speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child
til my frozen tears fall at Your feet
You can have my heart
if You don't mind broken things
You can have my life
in You don't mind these tears
well i heard that You make old things new
so i give these pieces all to You
if You want it
You can have my heart
~broken things, julie miller
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