locked out

i’ve been staying at a friend’s house for the weekend, but yesterday i drove back to misenheimer for a few hours to take another friend out for her birthday and pick up the bill from a student activity at the local movie theater. at the end of the night i drove back to charlotte to stay with my friend. when i showed up at her door around midnight i called and i texted, but heard no response. i noticed that her bedroom light was still on, so i rang the doorbell. the light turned off. i called again. no response.

we lock our doors at night to keep out strangers and thieves. we lock our hearts for the very same reason.

one bad experience too many and we build up walls to protect us from being hurt again. you say you're not into public displays of affection because it’s easier than admitting that you’re completely insecure about your body. you tell people you don’t want to have kids because it’s easier than confessing that your heart broke the moment the doctor told you that you couldn’t. you believe his it-will-be-different-this-time lies because it's easier to be with someone who's wrong for you than to wait for that someone who is right.

i've got pentagon worthy security systems around my heart. i use sarcasm as a deterrent and when all else fails, there's always self-sabotage to finish the job.

i once dated a guy who (after we broke up, of course) told me that i wasn't affectionate enough. i didn't hold his hand in public or sit on his lap at parties. i didn't give him enough love. i told him that it was probably because i didn't love him. the truth is, though, that after months of dating i was still so uncertain of his affection for me that i was unwilling to risk my own.

so i'm standing in front of my friend's house, about to cry because i'm so exhausted from a long couple days. i text every friend i have in charlotte. well, every friend that just might still be awake at 1am. no one answers. i decide to drive back to misenheimer, but everyone there is asleep, including the student who is petsitting at my house for the weekend. i have nowhere to sleep in charlotte, and i can't go back to my house either. i'm homeless. i have nowhere to go. in a spirit of desparation i post a status on facebook and one of my lovely colleagues immediately offers for me to crash at her place.

my friend called me at 3:30am when she woke up and realized that i had never come back. she was considerably worried and overly apologetic. i drove back to charlotte and walked up to her house, and she immediately promised to have a spare key made for me so this would never happen again.

relationships are all about taking risks. sometimes we see the light on inside and it gives us hope that the door will be opened for us, that those self-built walls will come crumbling down. we call and text and bang on the door just to see the light go off and be left alone out on the street. sometimes, though, you're invited in and even given your very own key.