i should have felt something

i should be angry. i should be considering throwing my computer across the room. i should care that microsoft word just screwed me over and the program proposal i've been working on since last tuesday won't open correctly, that i'll have to start over and have it finished in approximately 40 hours.

i should have been frustrated. every decision i made at work this week was contended. i was countered at every turn. by tuesday, when my boss asked my opinion on a student matter my unusual response was "do whatever they want," knowing that what they wanted and what they needed were two very different things.

i should have been happy. all weekend. my best friend came to visit. he drove hundreds of miles, just to spend the weekend with me. we slept in late and we spent all day relaxing with little to do. truth be told, if drew weren't here i probably would not have left my bed all weekend.

i should have felt something.
i should have cared.

but i didn't. i don't.
i'm numb.

last week i wrote about motivation for major change, but today i write to you to confess that i haven't budged an inch. physically, with the help of a close friend i'm developing healthier habits, but mentally...well, it's like i turned off a switch and i'm simply going through the motions. sure, i've pretended to be angry when it was expected and i've faked laughter when appropriate, but those moments were only practice for a future in theatrics.

the truth is that i'm hurt. i'm broken and i'm bruised and i'm simply in survival mode. i don't have the energy to fight, but i've got to fight if i'm ever going to find my way out of this.