esse quam videri

"so how are you feeling, now that you're back from your trip to north carolina? are you still glad that you took this job?" my boss asked me on thursday in our first one-on-one meeting since my return.

yes.

because my happiness in my 6 years in north carolina had very little to do with the work that i did over those years and everything to do with the people who surrounded me. conversely, my happiness in indiana has everything to do with my work and very little to do with the people here. because let's face it...i can count the friends i've met on one hand.

i am truly happy here. i am. i'm not saying that to convince myself, but to assure my faithful readers that this is not going to be a blog about how much i hate indiana. i go to work every day excited about the work i have to do. i come home every evening thrilled that i get to cook my own meals with time to spare for a good work out. for the first time in my life, my weekends are truly sabbath days to enjoy farmers markets and hiking trails and dog parks and reading books and enjoying the silence and anything else i choose to do.

and i have met some absolutely fantastic people at work who are truly wonderful women.

but then i go back to charlotte and i smile until my cheeks are sore and laugh until my belly tightens up like a corset and i struggle to breathe. i toast a beer with friends who were by my side through bad decision after bad decision, but loved me anyway. i lie in bed with two of my best friends, cuddling with their three dogs and giggling about cute mountain men and krispy kreme doughnuts. i share a meal with friends who were my family as i struggled through heartbreak, dealt with the loss of family members, spent holidays away from my parents and fought my way out of a deep depression. i talk with my old roommate and it feels like just yesterday we were packing up our house in west virginia and moving to this queen city to start a new life.

and i am reminded why north carolina will always be in my heart. because it became my home.

my friend katie and i were talking one night about a year ago that we were ready for another tattoo. i got my first tattoo shortly after meeting her and she got her first while we were living together in the village. we went through a lot during our time together. we helped each other through some really difficult times in our lives. there were a lot of reasons why we wanted to erase the north carolina chapters from our memories - horrible heartbreaks, lousy jobs and a myriad of poor decisions.

but the state was good for something - each other. north carolina had brought us into each others' lives and that was worth remembering. and i know that statement is filled to the brim with cheesiness, but it's the truth.

so we started looking for an image or a word or a symbol, something that could signify our time in north carolina and the friendship that had been created. possibilities were considered, but when we found the north carolina state motto in our research we knew exactly what our next tattoo would be.

esse quam videri.
to be rather than to seem.

the people that i spent time with in north carolina are some of the few people on this planet with whom i can truly be myself. there is no act. there are no lies. there is no awkwardness, no self-consciousness, no fear of judgment. i can just be me and know that they love me.

as i continue to build my community here in indiana, i just keep reminding myself that this community that i left behind me when i moved for this new job, well, i didn't know anyone but kara and monica when i moved there. if i can do it once, i can do it again.

and if i'm going to build that community here, then i need to remember to be myself. because acting like someone else, or faking who you are, only creates fake friendships. only when you are truly yourself can you create true community. esse quam videri.