i knew it was him.
though i had deleted him from my phone a long time ago.
("deleted him" ...so much more than just deleting his number.)
i replied with a coy "sorry... who is this?"
he gave me a one word answer: his name.
he was one of the first guys i dated post-college. we worked together at my part-time gig at the mall. he asked me out a couple of times. i said no a couple of times (i have a long history of this throughout the years.). then randomly one day i invited him to a cook out my roommate and i were hosting. that was the beginning of our strange little story.
we were inseparable for about a month, then i went off on a mission trip. i came back a week later and he had moved on to someone else. luckily, i left that job only a few weeks later. i figured that i would never have to encounter him again. easy, right?
no. like clockwork, every few months i would receive a text. something lame, of course, but it always drew me back in just enough to grab my attention. we tried dating more times over my 6 years in north carolina than i'd like to admit.
loyalty. it is one of my top strengths.
it also gets me into trouble. i stay at jobs because i feel loyal to my boss or to the company. i give third and fourth and fifth and sixth chances in relationships and friendships because i have faith that things will be better the next time around.
there comes a time, though, when i need to walk away. because the job isn't challenging anymore. because the friendship is based on history, but not the present. because the guy just isn't right for me.
i wish i could tell you all that i ignored the text, but i didn't. i wrote back a simple, "oh hi. happy new year to you too." no capitalization. little punctuation. no hint of emotional context.
had i actually said what was on my mind....here's what the text would have said:
"well hello, [name]. still working that job that you despise? still dreaming of futures you will never have the courage to actually take ANY steps toward making a reality? you must be between girlfriends and bored out of your mind. is it because i'm so damn awesome that you keep returning to me? or is it simply because you know i'll always be here and that i'll always respond? because even though you have no interesting experiences, can't speak intelligently about anything, aren't passionate about life at all and quite frankly bore the hell out of me, you think that i'll appease you by entertaining you over a meal at some stupid super-chain restaurant who rely on frozen shipments rather than actual chefs. and well, unfortunately you would be right because normally i would use you to get a free meal (no matter how mundane) and pass the time with someone who tells me how wonderful i am. however, i've moved. again. and even further than just an hour outside of the city. i live in another state. so no, thank you. i will participate in this charade only so far as to respond cordially but i would much rather you forget i ever existed. signed: yours no longer, havaleh."
maybe that is what 2012 will hold for me: a year of remaining loyal only to the relationships, friendships, situations and technologies which continue to strengthen me as a person and to say goodbye to those which no longer (or never did) contribute to my being in positive, healthy ways.
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