sometimes

sometimes, when it's late at night and i'm lying in bed worrying about what tomorrow will bring...i miss
you.

and sometimes, when i'm in a crowded room and my introversion is paralyzing me...i miss you.

and sometimes, when the movie score swells and the lovers reunite in a perfect kiss...i miss you.

and sometimes, when i overhear an amusing conversation and i desperately want someone to laugh about it with...i miss you.

and sometimes, when i awake to the sound of birds singing outside my window and i can't help but smile even before my eyes are opened...i miss you.

i guess what i'm trying to say is...i miss goodbye.

i'd start with "i'm sorry"

things i would tell you, if i could:

1) i'd start with "i'm sorry."

2) because i hate that i hurt you. i hate that we hurt each other.

3) because although i'm sure you've moved on and don't think about it anymore, i'd hate for one of us to be gone tomorrow and for hurt and anger or even complete indifference to have been the last feelings between us.

4) and i'd say it again: "i'm sorry."

5) and that it doesn't matter why it ended. it doesn't matter that i still feel like you don't understand me, just as i'm sure that you probably don't feel like i understood you either.

6) because at one time, we did understand each other.

7) because at one time, we never thought we would ever be the ones to harm the other.

8) because at one time, we only had smiles and laughter and the good kind of cries between us.

9) because at one time, simple apologies were enough.

10) then, i'd end with "i'm sorry." even then, knowing it wasn't enough.

empathy

with the polar vortex rearing its chilly head here lately, i've been sipping on a lot of warm beverages in the evenings.

each night, after dinner, i fill up the kettle and put it on the stove to simmer then go back to the couch to cuddle up under the warmth of a mom-original afghan with my furry family (a.k.a. pete and mr. darcy).

in the movies, the tea kettle sends a lovely high-pitched whistle into the room to gently announce that its ready to be mixed with whatever delicious flavors have been prepared in the decorative mug of choice.

in my house, its almost as if the water feels lied to by the movies as it gurgles like the groaning of a hungry stomach until it screams at the top of intensity with utmost assurance "GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!"

tonight, as i rescued my hot water from its claustrophobic kettle and poured it into my favorite mug, marrying it with the havaleh-made hot cocoa mix inside, i couldn't help but whisper a defeated "me too..."

the best lecturer

storytelling was the original lecture. before pulpits and podiums, we earned our wisdom by listening to our elders around mealtimes and fires, through stories told in poetry, prose, song and dance.

it's no wonder that some of the best modern teachers are the ones who find creative ways to incorporate passionate storytelling into their style.

i took a class on storytelling in grad school, but my fascination with educational storytelling was sparked years before when i had a history professor who modeled for me the impact storytelling can have when intentionally woven into the fabric of education.

like most college freshmen, my schedule was heavy on general ed requirements. one of those courses was a history class with dr. mahoney. of all the classes in my schedule, history was the one i dreaded most.

i wasn't a history major. and i may have worked at a historical village through high school and college, but history has never been my thing. i think the only reason i thrived at the village was because i got to immerse myself in the history and live it. my job was more about acting and crafting than it was about history itself.

i struggled with history in high school. actually, i took all of my high school history classes in summer school format. i used the excuse that my art, choral and band classes took up too much of my schedule, but another reason was that i probably would have struggled in a year-long history course. summer seemed like an easier option.

so, history in college? not something i was looking forward to. funny, then, that one of the professors i have talked about most as an alumna is dr. mahoney. his lectures were delivered so brilliantly that it felt like you were sitting in a theatre, listening to the lively dialogue and watching the scenes unfold before your eyes. at the end of class, he would end not with a reminder of homework but with a "stay tuned" message and a preview of the next chapter of our story worthy of any prime time network television drama.

dr. mahoney was the best lecturer. he had you on the edge of your seat, wondering what happened next. he made the characters come off of the page with passion and heartbreak and stupidity and valor. he made history something to care about, something to ponder, something to listen to.

even at a small private college like wesleyan, i was never close to dr. mahoney. he probably wouldn't have recognized my name or face had we run into each other on campus. we didn't connect outside of the classroom, like he did with so many of my friends and sisters. still, he had an impact on my life. what a testimony to his dedication to teaching and his passion for connecting students with the stories of our past.

i was saddened to hear that this world has lost one of the greatest storytellers. in the wind tonight, you'll hear a distant whisper. you may think its mourning students grieving the loss of a beloved teacher, but if you listen closely you'll instead hear the telling of a story. you'll hear those of us who had the pleasure of learning from him sharing the story of a man who taught us the art of telling the stories worth sharing and inspiring us to live our own stories worth being told.

playing pretend

as a child, most of my playtime involved playing pretend.

when i played with legos, i wasn't just building structures - i was building the stage for my stories. when i played with american girl dolls and barbies, i wasn't dressing them up and fixing their hair - i was dressing them appropriately for the next scene of the play.

after all these years, i'm still playing pretend.
i think a lot of us do.

like when i let the near stranger hold my hand as we walk down the hall. or when i close my eyes as he kisses my forehead goodbye. just to have one small moment of intimacy with another being.

but it's a false intimacy.
we're playing pretend.

because to me, holding a hand means that i'm yours. it means that i'm not alone. that you're journeying beside me, facing what's around the next corner with me.

and a kiss on the forehead? that means that you know my insecurities and you love me anyway. it means that you know my struggle as well as my strength.

in purest form, these cannot truly be shared with strangers.

i can assume that some of you are thinking, "wow, havs - these are pretty innocent interactions and you're placing far too much weight on them."

maybe i am. maybe you and i are different. and that's okay. for me, though, holding a hand is more intimate than any other touch, kissing a forehead more intimate than any other embrace.

so when we play this age-old game of pretend, we fake the intimacy we desire. like if i let him hold my hand, maybe i can forget for a moment that this will be short-lived and i'll be on my own again in a few quick hours. 

i've come a long way since playing with dolls as a child,
but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever stop playing pretend.

30 beliefs for 30 years

at 26, the list was best memories.
at 27, favorite gifts.
at 28, my most influential mentors.
at 29, a list of 30 things i wanted to accomplish before i turned 30.

i'm still reporting on those 30 things, but it's time for this year's list: 30 things i believe.

1. i believe in the power of positivity.
2. i believe that the love from our pets may be the closest tangible example of God's love for us.
3. i believe that people can change lives, even if journeys only cross for a moment.
4. i believe in a Creator who delights in creation and in those who join in creating goodness in this world.
5. i believe in friendships that last a lifetime.
6. i believe that french kiss is still one of the best movies of all time.
7. i believe that we are meant to live in community with one another.
8. i believe in Jesus as the Christ who came to teach us the timeless message of truly serving others.
9. i believe in equality for all.
10. i believe that the world would be a better place if women were truly afforded the same opportunities as their male counterparts.
11. i believe that our wrinkles tell the stories of our lives.
12. i believe that we have become too anonymous, and that this is extremely dangerous.
13. i believe that the privileged have a responsibility to speak for those who cannot be heard.
14. i believe that we must do more than speak, if we ever want progress.
15. i believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
16. i believe in love that transcends all reason.
17. i believe that the only epic concerts are the ones where the artists tell their stories.
18. i believe that my mother makes the absolute best cheesecake in the world.
19. i believe in authenticity.
20. i believe that painting your walls a different color can change the essence of a room.
21. i believe that knowledge is power, but that power doesn't equal greatness.
22. i believe in soul mates, although they come in many different forms.
23. i believe that music transforms those who silence themselves long enough to listen.
24. i believe in family.
25. i believe that we are better than the mediocrity we've become accustomed to.
26. i believe that history repeats itself.
27. i believe in grace.
28. i believe that one day the church will figure it out.
29. i believe in you.
30. i believe in me.

30.b4.30 read all about it

the next category of items on the list i'd like to write about are the books. 

"a truly good book teaches me better than to read it. i must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. what i began by reading, i must finish by acting." ~ henry david thoreau

reading changes us. it causes us to think, it sparks curiosity and it takes us to places we may never get to visit. reading reminds us that the world does not, in fact, revolve around our puny little lives. reading helps us to remember that there is a big world out there, and that there will always be more to learn.

so i included some reading on my list:
4) read an auto/biography
8) read the 4th book in the maze runner series (don't judge me)
21) read lauren winner's "still: notes on a mid-faith crisis"
28) read all of the unread books on my shelves

and i even included some writing:
26) get published (check.)
30) journal about these 30 things and my attempts to succeed (check. check.)

how did i do? well, there are no unread books left on my shelves and i read mindy kaling's autobiography is everyone hanging out without me (and other concerns). it was fantastic. the fact that she jokes about it being a second-rate bossypants only pushes it even closer to tina fey's brilliance.

i've already written about reading the kill order, but i haven't shared much about lauren winner's still: notes on a mid-faith crisis. there were just too many take-aways. this is a book that came into my life at just the right time.

some of my favorite quotes:

"some days i am not sure if my faith is riddled with doubt 
or whether, graciously, my doubt is riddled with faith...
i doubt; i am uncertain; i am restless, prone to wander. 
and yet glimmers of holy keep interrupting my gaze." p. xiv

"i am torn in two but i will conquer myself. i will dig up the pride. 
i will take scissors and cut out the beggar. 
i will take a crowbar and pry out the broken pieces of God in me. 
how many pieces? it feels like thousands." 
p. 24 (anne sexton poem)

"sometimes the reshaping is not big, not audible; 
not a move, a marriage, a child, a heroic change of course. 
sometimes it is only here inside, how you make sense of things. 
sometimes it is only about who you know yourself to be." p. 32

"the point, i think, is that you can't simply pursue God in the desert; 
you must also begin to pursue yourself." p. 56

"i start to suspect that the reason my christian life hasn't completely conked out 
is that even when i am not praying, other people pray for me, on my behalf...
their prayers the blood running through my own shutting-down veins." p. 68

"from deep in the tradition, from 'the cloud of unknowing', 
a fourteenth-centrury text from an unnamed english monk: '
you only need a tiny scrap of time to move toward God.' 
...it seems that scraps are all i have to bring forward." p. 108

"even on the days when i don't believe in God, i still will tell you that one night, 
while sitting in church, i heard God's voice, naming a resurrection of sorts, 
telling me i could stay." p. 149

"'what you promise when you are confirmed,' said julian's father, 
'is not that you will believe this forever. 
what you promise when you are confirmed 
is that that is the story you will wrestle with forever.'" p. 172

"i have heard that many of us sojourn in the middle for a long, long time; 
that we have many middles; that we keep meeting and making new middles...
and i have heard that some people eventually leave the middle and arrive at an end. 
i have heard that this end is a place of wisdom, of beatitude. 
i have heard it is a place of unself-consciousness. 
i have heard there is a lot of give in the fabric there." p. 195

and there was the kicker:

"it is easier to read about prayer than to pray...sometimes i think that all this reading gets in the way, that the books become excuses, something to do in lieu of praying." ~ p. 75

i had spent my entire adult life (and most of my teenage years too) studying what it meant to be a christian. i had devoted my life and my career to studying prayers and liturgies and scripture and hymns and sermons. so it shouldn't have been a surprise that two years ago when i decided to switch careers and leave the world of professional ministry behind that i found myself lost.

i had never really learned just to be christian (or maybe i just forgot along the way). i had spent too much time studying it.

after finishing the book, i quit reading anything having to do with theology or christian spiritual practices. i set aside everything that might distract me from being instead of studying. and though i wouldn't say that i found myself at 'the end' lauren writes about, i do believe that i found my way out of this particular middle in my journey. i'm sure there will be many more middles in the future, but for now i'm enjoying a sense of belonging to a faith community and a sense of purpose in my identity as a Christ-follower.

30.b4.30 reclaiming my creativity

as my thirtieth birthday quickly approaches, i find it time to report out on how i've done with my list of 30 things i would accomplish before turning 30 years old.

one of the purposes of the list was to spark my creativity once again. there was a time in my life when painting and sketching and sculpting and crafting were the primary medium through which i expressed the inner thoughts of this introvert. eventually, i found writing. and while writing takes less tools, less space and less preparation or forethought, there's something about the visual arts that still pulls at me.

"the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls." ~ pablo picasso

from the list...
3) paint something and hang it in my home
14) finish the afghan i began knitting in 2005

18) buy pencils and crack open my old sketch book
19) complete my map art project

how did i do? well, i've committed to going to a painting class with three of my friends and we've even already purchased the tickets. the afghan is progressing. i anticipate finishing it by christmas. pencils were purchased and i started sketching again. until pete tried to eat the pencils... and the map project? complete!

so, did i check everything off of the list? no. but i have reclaimed my creativity. and i've reclaimed the vulnerability that comes with being a creator.

part of my struggle with the visual arts is that when i put that paint brush to canvas, well, there's a chance that what i try to create won't turn out the way i envision it. there's a chance when i put that pencil to paper that i'll mess up and not be able to erase the imperfection so completely that others won't see it. there's a chance that it won't be perfect. there's a chance that people might realize that i'm not perfect.

"creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. art is knowing which ones to keep." ~ scott adams 

there's a deep vulnerability that comes with creating something and inviting others to see and potentially scrutinize your creation, because the mistakes i'm ready to live with or even put on display may not be the mistakes that others can forgive.

i wonder if that's how the Creator sees me.
maybe i'm a mistake worth keeping.

apologies

we've had a lot of public apologies lately, and alan chambers and paula deen probably top the list of unaccepted apologies.

alan is the president of exodus international, a conservative ministry and leader of the ex-gay movement which in many ways coined the term "pray away the gay". finally, after many years of utilizing anti-gay therapy that was deemed ineffective and ultimately detrimental by the american psychological association years ago, the organization has offered a public apology and shut its doors.

paula has been under fire after being accused of and admitting to racist language and business practices. she has publicly apologized, but this hasn't seemed to slow down her sponsors from severing ties and her ex-fans from sharing their disappointment on social media. some celebrities have come out in her defense, but most are letting the media slash her into pieces.

so, did alan and paula apologize wrong? what makes an apology believable? what makes a person forgivable?

a couple of years ago i was looking for this answer. i had just had an argument with a friend, and she thought that she had apologized but i didn't feel like it was an acceptable apology. i just couldn't accept it and i didn't know why. that's when i discovered the five apology languages.

the five apology languages are:
1. expressing regret
2. accepting responsibility
3. making restitution
4. genuinely repenting
5. requesting forgiveness

my friend kept expressing regret, but accepted no responsibility. in looking back, this made perfect sense. if she had taken the apology profile, i'm sure that expressing regret would be at the top of her list, meaning that it was her preferred apology method. that's how she wanted to be apologized to and how she apologized to others. i, on the other hand, scored highest in accepting responsibility. for an apology to feel genuine and be accepted, i needed to hear that she understood what she had done wrong.

the issue wasn't about whether or not i could forgive her for what she had done. sure, she hurt me. she disappointed me. she humiliated me. my issue was with her apology. until she accepted responsibility for her actions, i wondered whether or not she really understood why i was upset.

so, what makes an apology believable? unfortunately, there is no magic answer. although public relations experts surely gave both alan and paula a long list of dos and don'ts to offer the perfect apology, both apologies have been left largely unaccepted. i think it depends on the harm that has been done, the person who is apologizing and the person(s) receiving the apology.

the first step is knowing that an apology is warranted, regardless of what language is used. knowing your apology language and recognizing that others may be different can surely help too.

and what makes a person forgivable? thankfully, in the eyes of the Redeemer, no person, word or deed is unforgivable. we are all imperfect and we all need forgiveness now and then. thank God for grace...

"but sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. when it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down." ~ romans 5.20 the message

one day maybe humanity will learn to give grace the way God does.

flying in the rain

i was standing in the doorway, watching the rain fall heavy against the pavement, bouncing off of cars and digging into the dirt. it was a dark and gloomy scene, leaving no room for hope.

then i saw the birds.

a small flock of small birds flying through the seemingly unending storm.

did you know that birds' feathers are oily, which repels water and keeps it from weighing them down?

it's like the Creator knew that they would face the rain, now and again, and intentionally designed them to be resilient.

i'm praying for the birds tonight.
may they weather the storm
and find dry land.