26 memories for 26 years

in honor of my birthday today, i am going to share 26 memories from my last 26 years (in no particular order):

1) i peed my pants when i met cinderella at disney world. it's true. i no longer cringe when i hear this story. it's somewhat endearing..

2) i broke my finger on the playground at school in the third grade and my mom made me practice for my piano recital anyway. the recital was supposed to be the next day and i had to do a run through at the church with my piano teacher. mom thought i was just making excuses - she knew i hated those recitals. after my performance though, mrs. coffman noticed that i missed a lot of my lower notes in the left hand. that is when we looked at my hands and realized that my finger was green and purple. oops.

3) i got black-balled from theta chi in college. it was greek week and sean and i had been fighting something fierce for who knows what stupid reason. katie and i had gone to KA to cheer on our sisters at chandeliers and katie convinced me to walk down the street to apologize to sean. i hated the fighting, and i missed my friend, so i went. theta chi was hosting the horse shoe competition in their back yard, so that's where we headed. as soon as i came around the corner, will (president at the time) asked me to leave the premise. he said that i had disrespected a brother and had been black listed. luckily sean and i patched things up, haha.

4) in sixth grade we had a candy table that we set up at the end of the school day. i had bought some gobstoppers for a dollar on wednesday before going to church for kids club. i then sold the candy to some poor defenseless third grader for five dollars. most people would celebrate such a victory. i, however, cried. i felt horribly guilty. so guilty, in fact, that by the end of the program i gave the $5 back to the kid, even though she had eaten all of the candy already. so in the end, i had no money and no candy. awesome.

5) on a mission trip in rural ohio, carl roeger somehow tricked me into climbing on top of a two story house to do some roofing. i have a horrible fear of heights, so on work day number one he had me carrying packages of shingles from the pile to the ladder. each day he coaxed me a few more feet off of the ground until by the end of the week i was at the peak of the roof. i may not have completely conquered my fear of heights, but i did conquer my fear of that roof that week.

6) for my birthday one year when i was really young (kindergarten? 2nd grade?) my parents converted our garage into the party palace. there were games and food and even pin the tale on raccoon mario that my grandfather made for me. i still remember the scavenger hunt all over the yard. i thought our yard was HUGE then. i also remember receiving hair scrunchies from a certain boy and all of my girl friends snickering about it.

7) one winter in high school it snowed so much and got so cold that we didn't have school for something like a month straight. i remember one day my brother sliding down all of the ice in our back yard and then not being able to make it back up the hill. i ended up throwing a hammer or something down to him so he could pierce the ice and make foot holes to climb back up to the house. we spent all winter sliding down that hill and climbing back up. i also loved ice skating around on our back porch. that was an awesome winter!

8) my dad had a lot of sinus issues when we were growing up due to the chlorine of the school pool next to the choir room. because of this, even in the dead of winter, my friends and i would sit on the stairs outside and paint our toe nails. just the hint of the smell of polish would send my dad over the edge.

9) "playing" theta xi while pledging my freshman year of college. we ran back to mccuskey, drenched in water in the middle of a freezing cold night and i returned to my room with icicles in my hair. i was so afraid to comb my hair for fear that it would break off with the ice.

10) taking the "scenic route" with heather and chandra around town in high school and bowing to four chimneys, haha

11) fighting with kelly. man, we sure did know how to fight... but somehow we ended up stronger in the end.

12) speaking of kelly, i will never forget the random road trip kelly, carrie, and i took to pennsylvania to track down a certain boyfriend who didn't show up for his scheduled visit and wasn't returning phone calls. who knew we could arrive at our destination without any directions and even convince that teenage boy to let us on the boat trolley thing and take us to the island. then walking around the island while kelly and her boyfriend had a little "talk". fun times haha

13) singing "home among the hills" for the last time with the concert chorale. and i use "singing" lightly, since i think i cried the entire time and barely sang a note.

14) singing "home among the hills" for the first time at freshman orientation. my mom was sitting next to me crying. i made fun of her, but she assured me that the song would come to mean something to me one day.

15) the first dilworth refugee retreat. jenny and sally were so gracious to invite us out for an escape from the hell which was our lives at the time. i don't remember much from the actual weekend - i think my heart and my head were far too distressed and i have blocked all memory of the particulars, but i will never forget their kindness and support at a time when i felt like my world was ending.

16) the days of red lipstick at sephora. we had a manager once who made us all wear dark red lipstick every day at work. i felt it to be cruel and unusual punishment at first. then i came to love the red. sometimes i missed it...

17) dancing around mike's living room to "world swirl" after a night of fun with good friends.

18) my first 4th of july in charlotte, complete with a riot right outside of the window where monica, kara, katie, and i were celebrating.

19) not really a memory, but a non-memory... i cannot for the life of me remember who was my first boyfriend. i know that it is one of two guys, but i can't remember who was first! i dated one guy one year, and the other the next. i've wondered at this for years now. i hate my lack of a memory!

20) the day i found mr. darcy on the internet. yes, i fell in love online... kara promised me a cat for my birthday and i found one on the animal control website. we went in and there he was. three hours later, i had adopted him and he was headed to his new home.

21) after a truly horrible day at work, i came to katie's house (it was before i moved in and it became "our house", which was before she moved out and it became "my house") and laid my head in her lap and cried my eyes out. this was when i knew we were true friends.

22) trevor and nicole's wedding. truly the most beautiful wedding i have ever been a part of.

23) my grandparents used to spend their winters in florida, (because that's what all the great old ohioans do!) and gramps would send trevor and i hand drawings while they were gone. i wish i had kept more of those...

24) the day that sydney alexis cox hinkle was born into this world. chandra called me before school that day to tell me that she didn't need a ride. i called her between almost every class that day to check in and see if sydney was here yet. i skipped the wrestling meet that afternoon to go to the hospital and welcome our beautiful angel into this world.

25) playing with my cousins at my grandmother's house in reynoldsburg. we would turn her closet into the "chrishavannon cafe" and serve food to all of our family. we played the always incredible out of tune piano. we made forts out of walkers and blankets. we would sneak up to the upstairs bedrooms and guess at how old everything was. and we can't forget...using the groundhogs as target practice with the bow and arrows.

26) hearing my beautiful niece, zedica, sing "happy birthday" to me over the phone yesterday :)


so there you have it, friends. 26 memories for 26 years. thank you all for making it a life worth remembering!!

greensboro grasshoppers game

i wasn't paying attention to the beautiful men scouting the players on the field in front of me. no, sitting in front of me were three older women sharing a bag of peanuts and they held my attention.

they were dressed so sweetly with khaki capris and flowered tops. they talked and laughed and cheered for every run. i couldn't help but think of "a league of their own" and picture these women out there on the diamond in their younger years with tom hanks screaming "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" from the dugout.

it really was a sweet moment, and i just thought i would share it with you.

dating in the dark

somehow i got sucked in to watching the season finale of the bachelorette. didn't watch a single episode all season, but i saw so many of my friends posting messages on facebook about the finale that i had to watch.

when the finale was over, a new show on abc premiered: dating in the dark. i got sucked in again.

if you haven't seen previews for it, the show is a dating experiment where three girls and three guys meet in a completely darkened room and date without ever seeing each other. weird, yeah?

it got me thinking...aren't we all just dating in the dark? i never really know the men on the other side of the dinner table. the more i get to know them, the more questions i have. people are complex and no one can be taken at face value.

maybe we're all in the dark reaching our arms out and hoping there's someone to hold, calling out praying that we're not alone.

sushi 101

typically, when faced with new experiences i like to pretend like i'm a pro. i don't like people to know that i've lived a pretty sheltered life. this time, however, i owned up to my lack of life experience and i let marisa and her friends tutor me in the ways of the japanese culinary creation known as sushi.

i decided not to even look at the menu as aaron, amy, and marisa ordered our dinner. i had no idea what they were ordering, but when our food was served, well it looked beautiful. later i would find out that they had picked some salmon, tuna, white fish, and eel.

i watched as marisa pulled her chosticks out of the paper wrapper and broke them apart. i mimicked her every move. then amy perpared a plate for me with such delicate use of her chopsticks that i decided she would be who i asked to teach me how to use my own. aaron seemed astounded that i would be new to all of this. what can i say? i grew up outside of amish country. i ate my rice with a fork.

what a learning experience. and what fun!

marching bands of manhattan

i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you

and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown


death cab for cutie

late night rambling

how do you tell someone you've known you're whole adult life that he is the one you want to come home to every night?

i've had a crush on him for years. probably since we first became friends. on more dramatic days, i would tell you that i've loved him since i first saw him. i don't necessarily think that's true, but a crush...well, i'll own up to that.

i wonder sometimes how my life might be different if i actually found the courage to tell him. would he feel the same way? would it be some fairy tale ending like you see in movies? or would it be the end of a cherished friendship. is the possible bliss worth risking years of friendship?

once, when i shared my little secret with a mutual friend, he responded with utter surprise. he had no idea. this made me question my approach. all of these years i have held myself back, worried that i would flirt too much or get too comfortable and he would discover how i feel and it would ruin what we have. maybe i've held back too much...

or maybe not. maybe there is a reason why i've never really pursued this dream. maybe deep down i know that he doesn't feel the same way. or maybe deep down i know that it wouldn't work, even if he did.

my old friends would tell you that i was quite the bold girl and that i always went for what i wanted. friends today who didn't know me then would tell you that i'm quiet, reserved, polite... what happened over the past 8 years? now, i would never dream of making the first move. the fear of rejection is just too strong.

still, i can't help but wonder "what if"...

and so, tonight, with the thunder quaking and with my windows noisily trembling in fear, i'm sending my soul out into the cosmos and asking my Creator for some sense of a sign. because it's been too long.

it's not like i haven't dated or that i've been sitting around waiting for him to get a clue. i just feel like i need to either go for it, or give it up for good. thoughts?

missing pieces

ikea delivered my couch this morning. i have waited two long weeks of sitting on the floor in my living room for this furniture to be delivered. although i have been quite patient, i was extremely anxious to rip open the boxes today and begin assembling this new sofa. piece by piece i began joyously pulling it together it before i realized that they had forgotten to deliver one of the boxes. i had a couch and even had cushions, but i did not have any armrests.

and so i sit on my armless couch and silently scream out into the universe: "what is with all of the missing pieces in my life!?"

i love my job. i love the work, i love the students, i love the team i work with. i love everything about it. i love my house, even with all of its many flaws. i even love misenheimer. as much as i love the city, i think i'm a small town girl to the core. i am in a great situation with so much going for me that i feel guilty for not being happy.

but i'm not. happy, that is. i'm not happy.

i'm not necessarily UNhappy. but i'm not happy, either. some thing is missing.

like sitting on my beautiful armless couch, i am living this less than life. i know what the missing piece is. i know what's missing. but just like my arm rests from ikea, it is en route. and i haven't the foggiest clue as to when it will be delivered.

from dvr to mug shots

imagine this: you're finishing up a show on dvr when your tv goes back to current tv. it happens to be the news. and suddenly you see the mug shot of a kid you know.

this is what happened for rich just before he called me tonight with the news.

i wanted to refuse to believe the allegations. i couldn't process what i was hearing. i had to see it for myself, so i did what anyone else would do - i googled it. and there it was. i saw the photo, watched the surveillence footage, and read the local news article. i wanted to continue in disbelief, but it appears that the police have some hard evience.

he is still just a child in my mind, but he will most likely be tried as an adult. i can remember so clearly him walking into my office and telling me that he ran the church, haha. he is such a funny kid. and while he was always a bit ornry, even after seeing this news, i cannot doubt his good spirit.

"does hallmark make a card for this?" rich asked as we brainstormed ways to show our support to the family. it was a joke, but seriously - how do you let someone know that you saw their kid on the news and you want them to know that you're there for them? all i can say for now is that i am flooding God's ears with prayers for this young man and his family. what else can i do?

the news anchors and journalists share the report with an air of "eh, it's just more rotten kids doing more rotten stuff" and the people who have commented on the online news reports are going on and on about these good for nothing kids and how the world's going to hell in a hand basket. all of these people are forgetting that these kids have families and communities who love and care for them. they have parents, teachers, preachers, mentors, and even peers who have tried everything to teach them right from wrong, and while i am one of those people for one of these teens, i will not say that we failed. because that would be saying that he is a failure, and he is not.

it's like my mom always used to say, "i may not like what you're doing right now, but i will always love you." 1) "right now" - this is but a bad decision. he can come out of this a stronger man with a new outlook on life. 2) "always" - unconditional love is just that: unconditional.

i believe in this kid. and i truly believe that he can do great things in this world. we (because it truly does take a village to raise a child/adult) can turn this life around.

the abc's of growing up

"there, there baby.
it's just text book stuff.
it's in the abc's of growing up..."
~ Imogene Heap

in honor of one of my new favorite songs, my abc's of growing up (the 25 yr old edition):

a is for ambition.
it is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.

b is for best friends.
people may come a go out of our lives, but it's pretty amazing to state the claim that my best friends have never left me.

c is for capitalism.
capitalism or consumerism? is there a difference anymore?

d is for doggies.
the older i get the stronger this urge to adopt a dog becomes.

e is for ears.
did you know that your ears get bigger as you get older? it's true. google it.

f is for family.
you're family may not look like what you had imagined when you were a kid, but your family (whether blood or not) is the people who celebrate your victories and mourn your losses by your side.

g is for gadgets.
buy a cell phone or a laptop today and tomorrow it will be outdated.

h is for happy meals.
and not just the mcdonalds kind. good meals with good people and good conversation - this is a truly happy meal.

i is for insurance.
and lots of it. renters insurance, auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance.

j is for joy.
never ever stop searching out the joy in every moment of every day life.

k is for kindred spirits.
the more you see of the world, the more people you will meet who are different than you and the more people you will meet who you just know were destined to be your friend forever.

l is for like, love, and lust.
because it hasn't become easier to distinguish between the three.

m is for mammogram.
squish squash. good times.

n is for newspaper.
it's not just for good for packing fragile items or cleaning windows!

o is for oatmeal.
i don't care how old i get, i still don't like it.

p is for passion.
what would you give your life for?

q is for quiet.
now you understand why mom and dad always yelled at you to turn down the music. sometimes you just crave the quiet.

r is for retinol.
wrinkle reducing AND pore minimizing - the best of both worlds!

s is for secrets.
they just aren't about foolish crushes and petty gossip anymore.

t is for tragedy.
maybe bad things were always happening, but as you grow older you notice the tragedies because the diagnoses, divorces, and deaths are happening to your friends.

u is for umbrella.
you should always be carrying one. which means carrying a handbag big enough to hold one, and the 25 other items you MUST have with you at all times.

v is for vegetables.
glenda was right, you just can't eat enough vegetables in a day.

w is for white hair.
yes, it's true. i am only 25, but i find at least one new white hair on my head every day.

x is for xerox machines.
the bane of my professional existence.

y is for yardwork.
there's something gratifying about cleaning out an overgrown flowerbed and starting over.

z is for zebras.
why not?

haunted

he was in my dream last night. it's been a year and half and i have never dreamt about it, but there he was.

he was smiling.

i still have a picture of us together. smiling.

i keep the picture, in spite of it all. i don't look at it often, but i can't delete it. it reminds me that no matter how well you think you know someone, in a moment they may completely betray your naive trust. no matter how innocent the smile, you just don't know what is going on behind it.

i talked about him yesterday. maybe that's what triggered the dream. although, i've talked about it many times before. why this time?

i don't remember anything about the dream except his smile. his haunting smile.

i don't remember most of that new year's night. still. some people make them selves sick trying to remember. i just want to forget.

i just want to forget.

will i ever forget?