moving forward

he came upon me so quickly that i didn't have time to calculate my response. suddenly, i heard his voice bellowing from over my shoulder. i couldn't even look at him. i made an honest attempt to appear as normal as possible, excused myself from the conversation and walked away without looking back.

people tell me i ought to be over it by now, but i don't know that i will ever be "over it". as natalie maines sings, "forgive? sounds good. forget? i'm not sure i could. they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting..."

it's been two years. and in these two years i have come a long way. i no longer hate him. and boy did i hate him. i know it is a strong word, but two years ago i would have told you that i hated that man for ruining my life, for ruining my career, and for ruining my faith. he may have left me a little bruised and beaten, but now two years later, i can say that i have forgiven him and i have moved forward with my life.

seeing him again was a dark reminder that while i continue to move foward, i have a long way to go before i am completely healed. while my initial faith in other people has returned, a totality of trust has not. although the acceptance of my calling has returned, an assured confidence in it still falters. and however little i may think of him these days, when i am face to face with him again i can't help but tremble in fear and burn up in anger all over again. i cannot force myself to look at him and words are impossible to find.

how can i say that i've forgiven someone but still have such a reaction when i merely hear his voice? some say that you must forget in order to truly forgive. others tell you that true forgiveness mends the broken relationship. i think that both theories are crap. how do you tell a jewish man who suffered through the holocaust that he must forget what he went through? how do you tell a battered wife that in order to forgive her husband she has to endure the abuse and mend their relationship? in theory, these forgiveness policies sound great and noble, but when played out in reality they simply sound ridiculous.

forgiveness isn't about the other person. it's about you. it's about cleansing your soul of the viral bitterness that hatred causes when not properly treated. it's about forgiving others as God has forgiven me. it's about asking God for forgiveness of the part i played in the ultimate downfall. it's about moving forward.