dating in the dark

somehow i got sucked in to watching the season finale of the bachelorette. didn't watch a single episode all season, but i saw so many of my friends posting messages on facebook about the finale that i had to watch.

when the finale was over, a new show on abc premiered: dating in the dark. i got sucked in again.

if you haven't seen previews for it, the show is a dating experiment where three girls and three guys meet in a completely darkened room and date without ever seeing each other. weird, yeah?

it got me thinking...aren't we all just dating in the dark? i never really know the men on the other side of the dinner table. the more i get to know them, the more questions i have. people are complex and no one can be taken at face value.

maybe we're all in the dark reaching our arms out and hoping there's someone to hold, calling out praying that we're not alone.

sushi 101

typically, when faced with new experiences i like to pretend like i'm a pro. i don't like people to know that i've lived a pretty sheltered life. this time, however, i owned up to my lack of life experience and i let marisa and her friends tutor me in the ways of the japanese culinary creation known as sushi.

i decided not to even look at the menu as aaron, amy, and marisa ordered our dinner. i had no idea what they were ordering, but when our food was served, well it looked beautiful. later i would find out that they had picked some salmon, tuna, white fish, and eel.

i watched as marisa pulled her chosticks out of the paper wrapper and broke them apart. i mimicked her every move. then amy perpared a plate for me with such delicate use of her chopsticks that i decided she would be who i asked to teach me how to use my own. aaron seemed astounded that i would be new to all of this. what can i say? i grew up outside of amish country. i ate my rice with a fork.

what a learning experience. and what fun!

marching bands of manhattan

i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you

and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown


death cab for cutie

late night rambling

how do you tell someone you've known you're whole adult life that he is the one you want to come home to every night?

i've had a crush on him for years. probably since we first became friends. on more dramatic days, i would tell you that i've loved him since i first saw him. i don't necessarily think that's true, but a crush...well, i'll own up to that.

i wonder sometimes how my life might be different if i actually found the courage to tell him. would he feel the same way? would it be some fairy tale ending like you see in movies? or would it be the end of a cherished friendship. is the possible bliss worth risking years of friendship?

once, when i shared my little secret with a mutual friend, he responded with utter surprise. he had no idea. this made me question my approach. all of these years i have held myself back, worried that i would flirt too much or get too comfortable and he would discover how i feel and it would ruin what we have. maybe i've held back too much...

or maybe not. maybe there is a reason why i've never really pursued this dream. maybe deep down i know that he doesn't feel the same way. or maybe deep down i know that it wouldn't work, even if he did.

my old friends would tell you that i was quite the bold girl and that i always went for what i wanted. friends today who didn't know me then would tell you that i'm quiet, reserved, polite... what happened over the past 8 years? now, i would never dream of making the first move. the fear of rejection is just too strong.

still, i can't help but wonder "what if"...

and so, tonight, with the thunder quaking and with my windows noisily trembling in fear, i'm sending my soul out into the cosmos and asking my Creator for some sense of a sign. because it's been too long.

it's not like i haven't dated or that i've been sitting around waiting for him to get a clue. i just feel like i need to either go for it, or give it up for good. thoughts?

missing pieces

ikea delivered my couch this morning. i have waited two long weeks of sitting on the floor in my living room for this furniture to be delivered. although i have been quite patient, i was extremely anxious to rip open the boxes today and begin assembling this new sofa. piece by piece i began joyously pulling it together it before i realized that they had forgotten to deliver one of the boxes. i had a couch and even had cushions, but i did not have any armrests.

and so i sit on my armless couch and silently scream out into the universe: "what is with all of the missing pieces in my life!?"

i love my job. i love the work, i love the students, i love the team i work with. i love everything about it. i love my house, even with all of its many flaws. i even love misenheimer. as much as i love the city, i think i'm a small town girl to the core. i am in a great situation with so much going for me that i feel guilty for not being happy.

but i'm not. happy, that is. i'm not happy.

i'm not necessarily UNhappy. but i'm not happy, either. some thing is missing.

like sitting on my beautiful armless couch, i am living this less than life. i know what the missing piece is. i know what's missing. but just like my arm rests from ikea, it is en route. and i haven't the foggiest clue as to when it will be delivered.

from dvr to mug shots

imagine this: you're finishing up a show on dvr when your tv goes back to current tv. it happens to be the news. and suddenly you see the mug shot of a kid you know.

this is what happened for rich just before he called me tonight with the news.

i wanted to refuse to believe the allegations. i couldn't process what i was hearing. i had to see it for myself, so i did what anyone else would do - i googled it. and there it was. i saw the photo, watched the surveillence footage, and read the local news article. i wanted to continue in disbelief, but it appears that the police have some hard evience.

he is still just a child in my mind, but he will most likely be tried as an adult. i can remember so clearly him walking into my office and telling me that he ran the church, haha. he is such a funny kid. and while he was always a bit ornry, even after seeing this news, i cannot doubt his good spirit.

"does hallmark make a card for this?" rich asked as we brainstormed ways to show our support to the family. it was a joke, but seriously - how do you let someone know that you saw their kid on the news and you want them to know that you're there for them? all i can say for now is that i am flooding God's ears with prayers for this young man and his family. what else can i do?

the news anchors and journalists share the report with an air of "eh, it's just more rotten kids doing more rotten stuff" and the people who have commented on the online news reports are going on and on about these good for nothing kids and how the world's going to hell in a hand basket. all of these people are forgetting that these kids have families and communities who love and care for them. they have parents, teachers, preachers, mentors, and even peers who have tried everything to teach them right from wrong, and while i am one of those people for one of these teens, i will not say that we failed. because that would be saying that he is a failure, and he is not.

it's like my mom always used to say, "i may not like what you're doing right now, but i will always love you." 1) "right now" - this is but a bad decision. he can come out of this a stronger man with a new outlook on life. 2) "always" - unconditional love is just that: unconditional.

i believe in this kid. and i truly believe that he can do great things in this world. we (because it truly does take a village to raise a child/adult) can turn this life around.

the abc's of growing up

"there, there baby.
it's just text book stuff.
it's in the abc's of growing up..."
~ Imogene Heap

in honor of one of my new favorite songs, my abc's of growing up (the 25 yr old edition):

a is for ambition.
it is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.

b is for best friends.
people may come a go out of our lives, but it's pretty amazing to state the claim that my best friends have never left me.

c is for capitalism.
capitalism or consumerism? is there a difference anymore?

d is for doggies.
the older i get the stronger this urge to adopt a dog becomes.

e is for ears.
did you know that your ears get bigger as you get older? it's true. google it.

f is for family.
you're family may not look like what you had imagined when you were a kid, but your family (whether blood or not) is the people who celebrate your victories and mourn your losses by your side.

g is for gadgets.
buy a cell phone or a laptop today and tomorrow it will be outdated.

h is for happy meals.
and not just the mcdonalds kind. good meals with good people and good conversation - this is a truly happy meal.

i is for insurance.
and lots of it. renters insurance, auto insurance, life insurance, health insurance.

j is for joy.
never ever stop searching out the joy in every moment of every day life.

k is for kindred spirits.
the more you see of the world, the more people you will meet who are different than you and the more people you will meet who you just know were destined to be your friend forever.

l is for like, love, and lust.
because it hasn't become easier to distinguish between the three.

m is for mammogram.
squish squash. good times.

n is for newspaper.
it's not just for good for packing fragile items or cleaning windows!

o is for oatmeal.
i don't care how old i get, i still don't like it.

p is for passion.
what would you give your life for?

q is for quiet.
now you understand why mom and dad always yelled at you to turn down the music. sometimes you just crave the quiet.

r is for retinol.
wrinkle reducing AND pore minimizing - the best of both worlds!

s is for secrets.
they just aren't about foolish crushes and petty gossip anymore.

t is for tragedy.
maybe bad things were always happening, but as you grow older you notice the tragedies because the diagnoses, divorces, and deaths are happening to your friends.

u is for umbrella.
you should always be carrying one. which means carrying a handbag big enough to hold one, and the 25 other items you MUST have with you at all times.

v is for vegetables.
glenda was right, you just can't eat enough vegetables in a day.

w is for white hair.
yes, it's true. i am only 25, but i find at least one new white hair on my head every day.

x is for xerox machines.
the bane of my professional existence.

y is for yardwork.
there's something gratifying about cleaning out an overgrown flowerbed and starting over.

z is for zebras.
why not?

haunted

he was in my dream last night. it's been a year and half and i have never dreamt about it, but there he was.

he was smiling.

i still have a picture of us together. smiling.

i keep the picture, in spite of it all. i don't look at it often, but i can't delete it. it reminds me that no matter how well you think you know someone, in a moment they may completely betray your naive trust. no matter how innocent the smile, you just don't know what is going on behind it.

i talked about him yesterday. maybe that's what triggered the dream. although, i've talked about it many times before. why this time?

i don't remember anything about the dream except his smile. his haunting smile.

i don't remember most of that new year's night. still. some people make them selves sick trying to remember. i just want to forget.

i just want to forget.

will i ever forget?

moving forward

he came upon me so quickly that i didn't have time to calculate my response. suddenly, i heard his voice bellowing from over my shoulder. i couldn't even look at him. i made an honest attempt to appear as normal as possible, excused myself from the conversation and walked away without looking back.

people tell me i ought to be over it by now, but i don't know that i will ever be "over it". as natalie maines sings, "forgive? sounds good. forget? i'm not sure i could. they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting..."

it's been two years. and in these two years i have come a long way. i no longer hate him. and boy did i hate him. i know it is a strong word, but two years ago i would have told you that i hated that man for ruining my life, for ruining my career, and for ruining my faith. he may have left me a little bruised and beaten, but now two years later, i can say that i have forgiven him and i have moved forward with my life.

seeing him again was a dark reminder that while i continue to move foward, i have a long way to go before i am completely healed. while my initial faith in other people has returned, a totality of trust has not. although the acceptance of my calling has returned, an assured confidence in it still falters. and however little i may think of him these days, when i am face to face with him again i can't help but tremble in fear and burn up in anger all over again. i cannot force myself to look at him and words are impossible to find.

how can i say that i've forgiven someone but still have such a reaction when i merely hear his voice? some say that you must forget in order to truly forgive. others tell you that true forgiveness mends the broken relationship. i think that both theories are crap. how do you tell a jewish man who suffered through the holocaust that he must forget what he went through? how do you tell a battered wife that in order to forgive her husband she has to endure the abuse and mend their relationship? in theory, these forgiveness policies sound great and noble, but when played out in reality they simply sound ridiculous.

forgiveness isn't about the other person. it's about you. it's about cleansing your soul of the viral bitterness that hatred causes when not properly treated. it's about forgiving others as God has forgiven me. it's about asking God for forgiveness of the part i played in the ultimate downfall. it's about moving forward.

picking petals

"but what do you WANT this to mean?" she said so simply.

i had asked katie to help me analyze a message i had received. i wanted to help me decode his words and figure out what he wanted from me. a friendship? a relationship? nothing?

the reality, though, is that his meaning is not really what matters here. regardless of his intentions for wanting to see me, the real question surrounds what i want it to mean. i can't control his idea of what we are or what he would want us to be. i can barely control my own. his answer to the question matters only after i answer this question for myself.

the bottom line is that before i allow myself to fall any deeper into this situation, i need to figure out just what i'm looking for here. i need to weigh my options and make a conscious decision as to whether or not he's worth it. maybe he is, but maybe he's not...